Every time I saw him I made sure to keep my eyes from his. Direct eye contact was lost between us, and for the longest time so was talking. When I finally made myself put on my brave face and be in the same room as him he apologized profusely. I told him to save it and tried to show him the pain I was in through my eyes.
Every chance I got I looked him in the eyes and showed him my pain, but I didn't hold it over his head. If he was meant for my 'sister' then so be it. I was going to be Emily's bridesmaid and it wasn't going to be easy. Holding flowers while they recited their love and devotion for each other.
Even if they were imprinted I still loved Sam, and I was going to love him until he said 'I do.' The wedding was weeks away, and I made sure that when I changed I did it while no one else was, at least not Sam. Getting away was easy as a wolf; all I had to do was start running and let my mind leave and my instincts take over, but the probing thoughts of my pack members didn't help me.
Where are you going, Leah? Seth always made sure to track me while I left and when I would return it would one question after the other.
Leah, please, come home. This from Jake, of all people, he would inform me the only reason I needed to come home was because Mom was worrying a hole in the ground and Seth was howling at the moon like none other, but in the back of his mind, he was worried.
For the longest time I thought Jake and I were going to be together. Just us, but then that bloodsucker had a kid and he imprinted with her.
Back to Sam and I. I loved Sam with all of my being, and when Emily spent the weekend at my house and they first caught sight of each other I could practically hear my heart breaking. The soft 'hello's' they exchanged and the blush from Emily made me hurt even more.
When Sam informed me that Emily was his 'one' I was furious. How dare he get to be in love while I waited patiently for him through everything? Everything, the running away for two weeks, the lies, the leaving at dark and not coming home for hours on end… How dare he get a happily ever after.
And the fact that he got to just tell Emily about himself was infuriating. I had to go through loop holes and read ten thousand books and search the attic of the elder's home's for answers. I can still remember the conversation Emily and I had had.
"So, Emily, how did you figure out about Sam?" I asked casually.
"He told me," She said.
I stared at her in disbelief. Then I figured she must have meant he told her how to figure it out. "What did he tell you to look at? The Quileute tribal books? It took me awhile to figure out those were in that store down in Port Angeles."
"What are you talking about, Leah? He just told me," She said confused.
I felt my face contort in confusion and rage, "He just told you? He just flat out said, 'Hey, Emily, I'm a werewolf.'?"
I was enraged and I fled from the house as soon as possible, quickly changing and running away from the scene before causing something bad to happen.
Sam tried to explain to me, but it took three werewolves and a screaming Seth to calm me down. Apparently, he wasn't allowed to tell anyone who didn't need to know. So, I wasn't his imprinted lover so I had to find out the hard way. I don't know why he wouldn't have let me off then, instead of stringing my along all the years.
I was with Emily and Mom and Emily's mom, looking over wedding plans. I nodded my approval and politely picked things when I was asked which I liked best. When the meeting was over Emily went home with her mother and I stayed at the kitchen table.
"Sweetie, are you alright?" Mom asked.
I looked up at her and briefly wondered why my life sucked so badly before nodding and standing up. I kissed her forehead and said, "I'm fantastic, don't worry about me. Do you want me to drop you off at Charlie's?" I grinned at the end and she blushed.
I drove her to Charlie's and told her I was going home. Instead, I detoured and drove to the bloodsucker's house, hoping to find Bella. I was allowed on their territory, because I was friends with Bella, as was Jake because of the bloodsucker's kid.
It wasn't really Bella's fault that the bloodsucker got her pregnant. She wasn't informed by the leech that she could get pregnant so protection wasn't very high on her list. I knocked shortly on the door and it flung open to reveal the pixie leech.
"Is Bella here?" I asked shortly.
"Oh, yeah, sure, one second," She said and called out softly for Bella. She appeared down the stairs and came to me. Pixie leech left and I watched Bella's face, she was confused.
"So, you remember when Jake told you about my…predicament with Sam and Emily?" I asked.
She nodded and I bit the inside of my cheek. "I was actually wondering if we could talk privately. The woods work with me…" I trailed.
"Okay, Leah, is everything okay, though?" She asked.
"Oh, yeah, I just…need someone to talk to," I said.
She nodded and we walked quietly for a few minutes. We covered ground quickly and when we arrived at Bella's cottage/house thing she pulled me inside. She sat me at the couch and said, "What's wrong, Leah?"
I bit my lip and felt the tears pricking at my eyes. I hadn't once cried over anything that had happened, swallowing it all I held my head high and took whatever life wanted to hand me, but sometimes kick ass werewolves like me needed to vent.
I stared down at my hands and sighed. "It's just not fair, he gets the perfect girl, and a perfect life, while I have to sit here with no one to hold my hand and kiss my tears away. He has Emily to hold him and kiss him, and I want to be there for him, but I know that crosses some line out there, so I can't even be in the same room with him without wanting to cry and yell and scream and beg for him to take me back, all at the same time. I miss him, Bella, and I'm not sure that I can exactly be…there for Emily when she has cold feet at her wedding, I don't think I can hold flowers while they recite their undying love and devotion for each other, but I'm going to, and I just… I just want, for once, life to go my way, why can't I win?"
Bella chewed on her lip and then the door opened to her cottage. There stood the bloodsucker that changed my friend into a monster. I glared at the bloodsucker and Bella stood up to stand in front of him. She said something to fast for me to hear and he untensed slightly.
I stood up and walked towards the door. "Bella, I'll see you later, if you ever get let off this leash he's got you on," I said acidly and walked past them both.
Walking back to the bloodsucker's house I thought over how to resolve my issues. I wanted Sam to want me and I could name a few times that Sam's love and devotion would be in his eyes while looking at me, but they were broken promises. All of them. The 'I'll never leave you' and 'You're the only one for me' were lies, and every single 'I love you' Emily and Sam shared pounded the nail farther into my heart.
I wasn't ready to leave Sam, not yet. The only thing keeping me from clawing at Emily's face, and yelling at her every time I saw her, was the fact that it would hurt Sam. Even if he had decided to through my feelings to the wind by taking Emily over me, I still loved him, and if I ever gave up on him… It would break me, I just knew it.
I was going to keep Sam with me, close to my heart, even if he didn't want me there, but I knew that once they were pronounced husband and wife, I was a goner. My life would shatter and whatever was left of my heart would go along with it.
I climbed into my car and drove home. I pulled into my driveway and slowly got out of my car. I went up to the house and went inside. I closed the door softly behind me and went to my room. The clock told me it was late, later than I usually got home. I checked on Seth, he was sound asleep in his bed. I checked to see if Mom was asleep in her bedroom and sure enough there she was.
I shuffled my feet to my room and got into my bed. I threw my keys on the side table and kicked off my shoes. I rolled over in my bed and stared blankly at the wall. In my dreams I was haunted with the vows they would share, the one moment they would become one person. It haunted me in my dreams and when I was walking wide awake.
The next time I registered how much time it would be until the wedding it was the next day. I followed Emily around the whole day, not speaking much, and looking away whenever she would express some sort of love for Sam.
I watched with envious eyes as she modeled her final dress. The beautiful white dress looked wonderful on her, and if she had been marrying anyone else other than my one and only, I would have told her so, but I kept my thoughts to myself the whole day.
The whole day I had to keep the disgust off my face, the hatred off my face, the rude comments at bay, I was a perfect lady. The night before the wedding the nightmares kept me up. I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling when I heard the howling.
I didn't move though, if it was even him, I couldn't face him. I couldn't see the happy smile on his face; I couldn't hear his cheerful thoughts. I wasn't even remotely happy for them, I just knew…I knew that if she could keep him happier than I could…he deserved her, but by no means did she deserve him.
No one did, not even I, Sam was the most… Sam was all of the good adjectives and none of the bad, and the love and passion in his eyes when he was with someone he cared for, or when he was going all bad ass wolf mode on us, he was fantastic. When he was pulling the wolf leader card on us, I still loved him. He was the perfect leader, perfect man, he was perfect.
The day of the wedding I hadn't slept at all. I went to Emily's house with Mom and put on the best smile I could muster. I wasn't good at lying, but I could easily just not say anything to anyone. I went to Emily's room and she was having cold feet. She was worrying. She was scared.
I stared at her and watched as the other bridesmaids tried to calm her down, but she couldn't. I bit my lip and pulled courage from the wind and shooed the others out of the room.
"Emily, calm down, sweetheart. You're marrying the best man on the earth, you deserve each other, and you know that. What could you possibly be worrying about?" I asked.
"I don't deserve him, Leah, I can't do this," She fretted.
I grabbed her hand and she met my eyes. For the first time in months I felt sorry for her. The tears bubbling in her eyes, the way her eyes flicked from her nerves, the way she was breathing heavily, she was worried she wouldn't live up to him. "Emily, I've known you for my whole life. You deserve him just as much as he deserves you, and you make him so happy, I wouldn't dream of letting you two leave each other. You must not see the way his eyes light up when you enter the room or the way his smiles widens every time you start talking. He loves you, he loves you more than the moon itself, and if you ever think otherwise…you're crazy. Even a complete stranger would be able to tell that he's head over heels for you," I said.
She sighed and said, "Do you really mean that?"
"Of course," I said.
She hugged me and then I called the other bridesmaids in to help her. I went out of the room because I was already dressed and didn't need to be in the way. I drove to the beach not far from where Sam and Emily would be getting married after telling my mom and Emily's mom.
I sat down on the seats that were sat in front of the alter and stared out at the ocean. I chewed on my lip and then heard someone approaching. I turned to see Sam. I smiled weakly at him and stood up to walk to him. "Hey," I said softly.
"Hi," He said.
His tie was crooked and he looked disheveled. "Are you okay, where are you groomsmen?" I asked.
"They were instructed to take a run before getting ready by Billy, that away they don't get antsy in the ceremony," He said.
I nodded and said, "Well you look horrible, you want help?"
He shrugged and said, "I have no idea what I'm doing, Leah."
He sighed and I said, "It's easy, here let me help you." I grabbed his tie and unknotted it. I idly started tying it for him while he stared at my face. I watched my hands work with the tie and when I was finished I smoothed it down for him.
"Thanks," He said.
I nodded and chewed on my cheek. "You need help with anything else?" I asked.
"Have any way to calm down nerves?" He asked.
"You need to relax, Sam, Emily and you have some major chemistry…and nothing could ruin this day for you. You know that…Not even Paul phasing in the middle of your vows would ruin it for you, you know…" I said.
He sighed and looked me in the eyes. I shoved the pain away this time and showed him understanding. "Why is this so hard, Leah, why did it suddenly get so awkward for us?" He asked.
I bit back my sarcastic comment and said, "Sam, it's not awkward, it's the fact that we haven't had a conversation in awhile so we haven't gotten this… This angst out of the way, yet."
"Then how do we get it out of the way?" He asked.
I sighed and lied to him for his sake, "I'm over it if you are."
He looked me dead in the eye and it felt like my soul was open for him to read. "I'm sorry, Leah, and…I'd like to be friends with you, if you'll let it happen," He said.
"I'd love that," I lied again.
He smiled and I offered him one back. My love for him wasn't wavering. Paul and Jared soon arrived to disrupt our peaceful moment and they dragged him away. I sat back down and soon I was being called back to Emily's house. I drove over and received the bouquet. The wedding was on its way. Once I walked down the aisle and Emily joined me… It was over.
We drove over and I spotted Sam standing there with the pack next to him. As the music started up I walked down the aisle and the girls followed me. Then Emily started down. I saw Sam look at her with the love he use to show me.
She got to the end and handed me the flowers in her hand. This was the moment I had dreaded from the day they had announced their engagement. This was my nightmare come true. My true love was about to give his life away to my cousin and I was going to let it happen, because I loved him enough to allow it.
I watched them vow their love to each other and when Emily said 'I do'. It was down to Sam… We met eyes and as he spoke the two words I hated the most fell from his lips, effectively breaking my heart in the process.
I let the fact that I would never feel Sam's arms or lips ever again sink in. I let the fact that I would never hear the three words I needed to hear from his lips towards me again. I let in the fact that he just left me for my cousin sink in.
I heard the priest ask for objections and several eyes burned into my side. I stared down at my feet and when the priest announced them husband and wife the last little piece of my heart fell away. It was gone.
I watched Sam and Emily get passed around to each person there, being hugged and congratulated. I stood there alone for a few moments before walking with the crowd towards the reception area. I was sat at the same table as Sam and Emily. I was sitting next to Sam providing everyone a smile that seemed remotely convincing.
The time for toasts came and I watched as everyone congratulated and told them how perfect together they were. When it was my turn I stood up and stared out at the eyes of my family, pack, and friends.
"I've known Emily my whole life, and Sam just about as long… Emily has always been so caring and loving for everyone…and forgiving. She provided the help to get over some issues that we've all encountered and she's perfect. Sam is just about as perfect as Emily. He's a great leader for his family, and I know he'll make Emily happy. He's always been a dear friend of mine and I know he'll make Emily proud… They deserve each other and I wish them the best of luck in their long and happy lives," I held up my glass and said, "To Emily and Sam!"
Everyone cheered and I saw several relieved expression on people's faces. I chugged my champagne and sat next to Sam. He put a hand on my knee as a comforting gesture, but him being comforting wasn't going to help me at the moment. I put his hand back in his lap and squeezed it before looking back at my circle of friends.
When it came time for us to part I longed to pull Sam into my arms, but he disappeared. Then I found them walking to their car where family member's were throwing rice over their heads. I watched my love leave me. I watched him climb into a car and felt my heart officially die. It might have actually stopped beating.
The last few snapshots I had of Sam were of his beautiful smile as everyone shouted their goodbyes to him. His arm around his bride, he caught my eye. He smiled at me and I made myself smile back at him. When the car pulled away I felt my heart go with him. The tears pricked at my eyes and I felt one get loose.
Whispering goodbye to my true love I walked home from the wedding, silently trying to mend my broken heart.