Where did I go wrong? How on earth could I not have the ability to have seen the signs?...Wait a second...were there signs?...Well of course there were signs, dickhead, there must have been. Just hadn't seen them. Hadn't paid enough attention to the most important person in the world. Waltzing around in my egotistical bubble of bullshit while Bruce was dying from the inside out.
I would have stayed up with him all night. All week. All year. I would have forced myself to stay awake for all eternity if he had needed someone by his side. Y'know, it's surprising - drinking doesn't numb the ache, or the guilt. Or fill the emptiness. Usually when I'm looking through the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniel's, I feel more...at ease. Now it just makes me wired and lonely.
I would have told him eventually, y'know - either in green-smashing-machine form or just as Bruce. I didn't have the balls to tell him when he was alive and now he's rotting in the ground and I can't even say how I feel to his fucking grave. But I would have told him.
But I will tell him. Even with my mind being as logical and practical as it is - I can't accept that the essence of Bruce can just...disappear. Travel, perhaps - to a different plane of existence, maybe. But not gone. I hope I'm special enough to meet him once I get there. That I'll continue to be as well - even though my lifeless body will be spread outside the entrance to my Tower. Our tower.
Pepper, you'll probably be the one to find this. I don't think I'll ever be able to apologise enough - I know I'm not making it the cleanest departure - but I'm so used to flying. I made the connection and I guess falling came second best. After all, the last time I fell, The Other Guy broke my fall. Maybe I'll continue to fall until Bruce catches me in his arms. Fuck. I never knew I could be so poetic.
So many people in my life have told me I haven't got a heart. And after a while, I started to believe them. Until one day - not so long ago, when the sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky and all that bullshit - I met my heart. Personified in to that of one Bruce Banner. I know I've told you all this, Pepper, and you understood perfectly - as you always do. But I just can't handle it. Don't blame yourself, okay? You know how much I love you, you're my perfect match, and we've always understood each other completely. It's just...I'm in withdrawals. I've just got to find my soul. Find him. Make sure to eat. I know you don't eat when you're upset. The company's yours, by the way. Do whatever you want with it.
I know I don't believe in god and all that, but I'd like you to do a favour for me, if you could. Just, like, pray for me? Pray that I find Bruce, okay?
It's weird - I'm crying. Not out of sadness. I could never be sad when seeing Banner.
I guess it's show time. The sky's always so awesome this time of year. It reminds me of Bruce's eyes. I wouldn't mind falling in to Bruce's eyes.
Anthony Edward Stark
...Tony.