Ink Magic
By: Jason Tandro
Author's Note: This whole thing came about because my wife was falling asleep while watching Ink Masters shortly after reading Harry Potter and the two began to mesh in her head. I made a joke, she lamented the lack of the existence of such a show, so I made this for her. It's a semi-AR fic of course. Enjoy.
Television was not one of those Muggle things that ever really caught on in the wizarding community. Radio was dead useful for listening to music or sending important broadcasts en masse, but the appeal of the picture box seemed less significant, especially given studies from the Muggle Liason Office that television on the whole seemed to rot the mind of the populace. However, in an effort brought about by Arthur Weasley, there was a brief attempt at integrating television into wizarding life. Mr. Weasley argued that the reasons Muggles wound up in such a poor situation was because in many cases they used it as their sole form of leisure, and that in capable hands and capable minds there was still merit to the device.
And so began the short-lived era of the Wizarding Broadcast Network. It sadly died, partly due to a lack of interest, but mostly because the average wizarding household lacked somebody capable of operating the device. Mr. Weasley, for his part, did try to convince the Ministry to allow him to enchant the televisions to make them easier for wizards to operate, but, as Ministry Lawyer Hermione Granger tactfully pointed out, that would be a gross violation of wizarding law that would doubtless get the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office into a lot of trouble.
During its two and a half year run the WBN hosted a fair number of shows. Rita Skeeter, quite unable to land a real job at any respectable newspaper, hosted a call-in show where she discussed her latest crackpot theories and scandalous scoops. While Ranting with Rita was by far the most popular show, it was not due to the content of the show, so much as it was a great excuse for people to gather around and laugh at her as the last shreds of her journalistic integrity scattered to the four winds.
Hagrid ran a show with the aid of George Weasley (who took time out of managing his shop to offer some pointers to the aging half-giant). The show was initially going to be named Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them after the popular Newt Scamander book, but the estate of Mr. Scamander wanted nothing to do with it. Hagrid eventually settled on Curious Creatures of the Wizarding World. However it would all be for naught as the show was cancelled within one month. In a bout of incredibly poor foresight, Hagrid showcased a new monster he'd bred himself – the unfortunate and anatomically baffling mix between an Acromantula and some sort of winged creature which Hagrid didn't have time to identify before the giant flying spider carried George off camera and dropped him into a nearby lake. It took 3 weeks and 14 Magizoology experts to find and subdue the beast.
There were lesser hits as well such as The Wizarding Emergency Broadcast (WEB for short), which played round the clock alerts. There was a regular history show which starred some of the Hogwarts ghosts though the name was so incredibly long and detailed many viewers fell asleep before the end of the opening credits. There were also regular televised sports, most notably Quidditch, and while that for a while seemed to be the strongest wizarding use for the box, the aforementioned problems were insurmountable.
However there was one more simple little show that was a wizarding version of a popular Muggle television show that pit tattoo artists against one another in a contest to see who was the best. After some redressing and polish, the show was dubbed Ink Magic. For your amusement, the following is a recounting of the four episode long pilot series.
Episode 1: Pilot- Creature Tats
The contest judges were a motley crew of magical tattooing expertise. There was Kirkley Duke, the lead guitarist for the Weird Sisters. His pale complexion and sallow face shining bright against his black hair and dark lipstick. He was easily the most unnerving looking member of the panel judges, an especially impressive feat considering Kirkley was the only judge who was alive. On his left and right sat a Ghost and a Portrait respectively. The ghost was Davide Nefarious, an ancient French pirate who boasted an impressive number of tattoos in his day, some of which still were visible even on the haunting visage. The Portrait was of Owlick Peck, an American artist who had tragically died a few months before shooting began when a self-performed tattoo of Fiendfyre came to life and immolated him from the inside out.
The show scraped up five contestants. There was Nymphadora Tonks, who depending upon her mood sported an impressive collection of tattoos and piercings in her own right. There was the optimistic if somewhat outclassed Luna Lovegood who "really never tried tattooing, but I can't imagine it's terribly different from doodling on the skin." There was Charlie Weasley, who still sported his devil may care haircut and outlandish facial decorations and Blaise Zabini who had an unappreciated talent for artwork and saw this as a chance to prove himself. And then, for some ungodly reason, there was Gilderoy Lockhart.
Kirkley began thus: "You five have worked your way up through the preliminary rounds and are our finalists to be the next Ink Magician." (What Kirkley fails to mention here is that the preliminary rounds only featured one additional contestant – Palumbra Holster – who quickly realized she was on the wrong show when instead of creating a tattoo for the canvas to wear, she attempted to transfigure him into a desk.)
"Today we're going to test you on one of the most commonly requested magical tattoos," Nefarious added with a haughty French accent spilling out of his ghostly presence. "A magical creature, that the canvas can interact with it. We have chosen for this challenge five recent Hogwarts graduates, whose mothers don't know they're on this show."
This would have been a relatively easy challenge, but there were complications. For one thing, Luna's canvas wanted a Centaur on his bicep. The centaur actually came out rather well for one as inexperienced as Luna. The only problem was it would ceaselessly fling arrows at the canvas's head, and Kirkley had to amend that particular feature himself.
Tonk's canvas wanted a Manticore, a dangerous request, but one that turned out quite well thanks to her expertise. The Manticore's location is best left unwritten. Blaise got lucky and his canvas only wanted a Niffler. And while the furry fellow did occasional probe uncomfortable reaches in search of treasure, it was still considered a success. Charlie's canvas wanted a unicorn, and Charlie spent half the day trying to convince her to get a Hungarian Horntail instead. The unicorn came out quite well all things considered.
The only true disaster was Gilderoy Lockhart's abysmal attempt at a Mandragora tattoo, which to be fair, turned out rather lifelike, except it wasn't on the canvas's skin, but rather a nearby sketchbook, from whence its horrific scream caused both he and his canvas to faint. Fortunately the lethality is removed from the Mandragora tattoo by wizarding law, for obvious reasons.
Lockhart was, of course, eliminated.
Episode 2: Ancient Runes
"Today, we're going to return to an ancient form of magical tattooing," said the portrait of Owlick Peck. "The carving of ancient magical runes into the skin for enchanced spellweaving. While runes are not as often employed today for magic they are still a popular adornment to wizards."
"We're going to be judging you on the legibility of the Runes, and the accuracy of your fine line work," added Kirkley. "Hop to it!"
Unfortunately the second half of this episode is missing because of another accident, which the Portrait of Owlick Peck explained to us after the fact.
"Well Luna, bless her heart, had a canvas who wanted some Runes of time alteration engraved into his back and, well they worked. The canvas now thought he'd be clever and reverse time so that he didn't have to pay for them. Without the aid of a time turner, or really the knowhow to use time manipulation magic, he created a horrible mess. Aurors were able to subdue him eventually, however I swear my mustache will never grow all the way back…"
Episode 3: Enchanted Landscapes
After a two week hiatus, the show returned with Luna gone from the lineup. She did give an exit interview to explain her actions.
"Oh really I just thought it would be fun to see what he did with those abilities. I thought it might be very exciting. And I suppose it was, if somewhat more than I expected. I just didn't expect my canvas to travel back in time just to shave Peck's mustache off. And for good measure he used varnish on his portrait. Very interesting use of time travel. "
Blaise, Charlie and Tonks were the final three, and now the challenge had moved to something considerably more challenging – an enchanted landscape.
"This is where you have to really focus on making your image pop. Good saturation will be important here to give the landscapes a lifelike feel," said Kirkley.
This challenge went surprisingly well, considering there was no way for a biome to suddenly rise out of a persons arm and stab them. But there were side effects nonetheless as the mid-episode interview reveals.
"My canvas wants a tundra scene. Well we're halfway through and I've had to wrap her in four blankets already," Tonks sighed.
"Mine wants a forest. It's going well, except there's this one vine that keeps wrapping around her leg and won't stop. I sure hope I didn't accidentally draw Devil's Snare," Charlie offered.
"My canvas just wanted some plains, but he was having some real issues with the pain as I was adding some detail on the grass. I had to petrificus totalus him. It's against the rules, but I couldn't afford to lose any time," Blaise said.
Of course, this was illegal and Blaise was immediately disqualified.
Episode 4: Finale – Wizarding Portraits
"Okay we're down to the two finalists! Tonks and Charlie. For your final challenge, you will each be tattooing a famous Wizarding personality. Furthermore, you will be tattooing them," Kirkley removed his shirt, there was a faint sound of swooning from the audience. "On me."
They each took an arm and began working their magic. This final challenge was clearly the worst thought out of the bunch however. They were given free reign to choose whomever they wanted. Tonks chose her crush, Remus Lupin. Charlie chose his secret idol, Sirius Black. The two pals walked across his body to meet in the middle of the chest and chatted animatedly for minutes until they decided to start playing pranks on Kirkley, including, but not limited to, giving him a wedgie, hiding things in his ear and moving certain objects from certain parts of his body to others.
Then Lupin turned into a werewolf. Pandemonium ensued, no winner was declared, and the show was cancelled.