Luan's Last Stand-Up
Birthday parties are typically seen as joyous occasions, especially to the birthday boy or girl in question. There are exceptions, such as Lucy Loud's birthday, but even then, she and her guests are happy on the inside. However, at the birthday party of one five year old, there was one man who wasn't happy at all. He was slumped in a patio chair, his head in his hands. He was wearing a dark gray business suit, dress shoes, a bad red floral print tie and a little party hat over his comb over. He looked utterly depressed as children ran around, playing happily. 'What am I doing wrong….?' He thought to himself. 'Every business venture I've tried failed…' He sighed to himself as he went over his business life in his head. He started as an enthusiastic young businessman who managed to procure some cheap commercial property on main street, which he turned into a toy store. Not a bad idea, but he didn't fully know what he was doing. A few missteps and the error of not stocking video games as well led to his business going under. He took it as a learning experience though and tried again, this time buying into a big clothing store chain. Unfortunately, he went too far in the other direction and tried to cater to too many customer bases. He couldn't afford to keep enough stock to satisfy everyone and his business failed again. This continued on with his restaurant partnership, his attempts to sell his own invention (a teeth brushing contraption for kids), and even his latest investment in glow in the dark sunglasses.
"I should have known THAT wouldn't work…" he grumbled to himself. "Who needs to find their sunglasses in the dark…?" He sighed again, but was broken out of his melancholy musings by a soft tug on his arm. He glanced in the direction of the tug to see a small, blue haired young boy looking at him. He was wearing a red and white striped t shirt, denim shorts and black sneakers. His hair wasn't naturally blue, but he accidently dyed it one day. He liked the color and decided to stick with it, the look becoming a part of him. On his head was a party hat saying Birthday Boy.
"Daddy...what's the matter?" He asked, a look of sympathy on his face.
"I just got a lot on my mind, Buddy." The man admitted, patting the child on the head. "Don't mind me...just go on enjoying your party."
"Why don't you come watch the funny clown with me? That might cheer you up." Buddy said with a small smile.
'I doubt it' he thought, but he couldn't bring himself to bring his son down on his birthday. "Well...why not?"
"Yay!" Little Buddy cheered, taking his father by the hand and hurrying off to the small stage set up in the backyard. Once all the children had made their way to the makeshift stage and the other parents were observing from a distance, the curtain opened to reveal...nothing? The kids were a little confused at first until a burst of smoke appear and emerging from the smoke was Luan Loud, professional clown. She was wearing her usual white shirt, yellow checkered skirt and big red nose, but she also had a top hat and cape on. The boys and girls in the audience all cheered, while Buddy's father looked confused. Wasn't she supposed to be a clown, not a magician?
"Thank you, thank you." Luan said cheerfully, tipping her hat to them. "Today, I'm gonna try something a little different. I'm going to add a little magic to the act. Let's see if I can make a few laughs appear from your mouths." She grins as she pulled off her hat, showing them the inside was empty. "As you can see, nothing in here." She shows them the inside of her sleeves as her brother, Lincoln, pushed out a small bistro table. "Nothing here." As soon as he got the table closer, Luan pointed to the top of his head. "And nothing here."
"Hey!" Lincoln pouted a bit as the children all laughed.
"I kid. I kid. My little brother and faithful assistant, everyone!" She declared, pulling him into a one armed hug while the children applauded. A smile returned to Lincoln's face. He knew Luan as just joking around, and he could take a shot or two on the chin if it meant the children were happy. He waved to them before he exited stage right to prepare for the next part. Luan then made two eggs appear in her hands out of seemingly nowhere. "Behold! Hen fruit! Now, a little tappy tap against the table…" she gingerly taps the eggs until they crack. "And in they go into the hat." She tossed the eggs, shells and all, into her top hat. She pulled a wand from behind her back and began to stir. "A quick stir and we can see if this trick is all it's cracked up to be." She quipped. This got a wave of laughs from her young viewers. The morose business man had to admit that she was good with the kids, even if her material was groan worthy. "And now a wave of the wand and the magic words, my hat will be clean." She explained just before she twirled the wand over the rim of the hat. "Presto cleanso. And now…" she places the hat on her head, egg yolk and shells going all over her face and head. The kids erupted into hysterics as she grinned sheepishly and shrugged. "Looks like the yolks on me."
She motioned to Lincoln off stage, who hurried over with a bottle of seltzer. He takes careful aim and sprays her whole head off, knocking her hat off in the process. She took it with dignity as her brother handed her a towel and a fresh hat. "Thank you Lincoln. Well, that trick certainly laid an egg. But at least no one can say Luan Loud is chicken." She waited for a moment to let the laughter to die down, beaming at her little fans. She was in her element right now: on stage, bringing laughter to others. "Ok. Perhaps we can try something a little more classic. Pulling a rabbit from a hat." She once more shows the empty hat. "As you can see, not a hare out of place." She places the hat on the table once again, then reaches inside of it. After a few seconds, she frowns a tad and reaches further into the hat...somehow up to her shoulder. "Hehehe. Seem my little furry friend doesn't want to come out…" she pulled her arm out, chuckling nervously. "But maybe he'll come out for the birthday boy himself. Come on up!" She called out, getting an excited gasp from Buddy. He quickly stands and climbs on stage. "Hey there, partner. What's your name and how old are you?"
"Buddy Rogers, and I just turned five today!" He said proudly.
"Well, pleased to meet you, Mr Rogers. I'm glad to be here in your neighborhood." That one got a few laughs from the watching parents. Even Buddy's father had a chuckle out of that. "Ok now, as you heard, my rabbit wants to play games. How about you try and pull him out of the hat?"
"I'll try." Buddy replied, rolling up his already short sleeve. With a boost from Luan, he reached deep into the hat. "Wow. What a deep hat."
"Find anything?"
"No...wait. I got something! Feels long and fuzzy!" Buddy exclaimed. He started to pull with all his might when the audience started laughing again. Luan had no idea what was so funny this time, as she didn't say or do anything funny. She looked behind herself and found her little pet rabbit sitting there staring at her.
"Wait...if you're there, then who's in the hat?" Luan asked to herself. Her answer came moments later when, after a tough struggle, Buddy pulled a bunny ear wearing Lincoln from the hat. The snow haired boy looked utterly lost.
"Tah dah!" Buddy sang as he held Lincoln by his fake ears. The applause was thunderous as Luan let the birthday boy down and helped her brother out of the hat.
"Thank you, Buddy Rogers. Let's give him a big hand!" Luan called out, Buddy's friends giving him a standing ovation and bringing a blush to his face. Lincoln looked between the hat and where he used to be standing backstage, at a loss for words.
"How in the….? That wasn't what we rehearsed…." He said quietly, striding toward the curtain and about to pull it back. However, when he got there, he stopped himself.
"What's the matter bro?" Luan asked.
"On second thought...maybe not. I might still be back there…" he said cautiously, backing away from the curtain. The kids were rolling on the grass with laughter. The once blue businessman looked around at the kids and then back at their parents. They were loving this. It was then an idea struck him: he could invest in this kid's business! How hard could it be? He waits until after Luan finishes her show, which she concluded with a Gallagher style watermelon smashing...only the melon sprayed candy instead of fruit, much to the joy of the children.
"You've really made his day, Luan." Mrs Rogers said, smiling brightly as she handed some money over to the comedianne. She was wearing a light green blouse and black stretch pants, and her brown hair was done up in a bun.
"It's my pleasure, Mrs Rogers." Luan replied with a smile. "Making birthdays happy ones brings me so much joy. It's just a shame smiles don't pay the bills."
"Wouldn't that be nice?" Buddy's mother commented, both of them giggling.
"Perhaps I can help you in that respect, Miss Loud." The two ladies turned to see Mr Rogers approaching her. "Benson Rogers, businessman. My card." He introduced himself, handing Luan a business card, though all it had was his name and number, no business.
"Call me Luan, Mr Rogers. My card." She replied politely, handing him a business card for Funny Business Inc.
"Very well, Luan. I'd like to buy your little clowning business." He said, pocketing her card and pulling out his checkbook with a smile. Luan's smile faded slightly as she heard this, wondering if he was serious. "I'd say, for a business of your size….five hundred is a fair asking price." That answered Luan's question, or so she thought. No way he was serious, making that insultingly low offer. He was trying to get in on the act. However, in reality, he was trying to take advantage of her age and 'inexperience' in the business world to get a good deal; a fact his wife clued in on and gave him an very angry scowl.
"So….let me get this straight…" she said, deciding to play along. "...you're offering to buy Funny Business Inc for five C Notes?"
"Indeed. What do you say?"
"I say K-N-O-W: No." She replied with a smirk, wiping the smile off Mr Rogers' face and making nearby children laugh. Mrs Rogers had to hide a snicker of her own.
'Kid's more savvy than I thought…' he thought sourly. "Very well. How about nine hundred...or ten?"
"Start again!" Luan chanted, getting even more laughs from those who were listening and irking the businessman even more.
"Twenty five hundred dollars then, and that's my final offer." He said firmly.
"And here's my final answer." She whipped her hat off her head and her pet rabbit popped up, holding a sign that said 'No Way Jose!' "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to help my brother clean up the stage." She turned on her heel and walked back to her hard working brother, leaving Benson Rogers looking furious.
"Luan, do you think it was wise to mock him like that?" Lincoln asked as he carted Luan's comedy supplies along in the wagon after the birthday party. "He seemed pretty steamed…."
"We were just joking around, Lincoln." Luan answered, counting her earnings from that birthday party.
"I dunno. I think he was being serious…"
"Come on, Linc. No way was he making a serious offer. I mean, five hundred bucks for a business like Funny Business Inc? With our resources, connections and reputation? It's worth six thousand at least."
"Well, maybe he doesn't know. I mean, all he saw was your act. He hasn't seen what goes on behind the scenes." This gave Luan pause for thought as she considered his words.
"Maybe you're right, Linc. Next time I see him, I'll apologize for giving him a hard time. Still not gonna sell to him, though." she said. "Let's get the lead out, bro. The sooner we get home, the sooner we can share some cake."
Meanwhile, down in the Roger's basement, Benson was fuming over Luan's refusal to sell to him. "Who does that little brat think she is!?" He raged to himself, furiously typing away at his laptop in the dark. "Not only does she refuse my very generous offer, but she has the nerve to turn me into a laughing stock as well!" He wrote down a few notes and numbers, nearly breaking his pen. "Well, we'll see who has the last laugh, Luan Loud...because when I'm done with you...you'll never clown in this town again!"
About a week later, Luan was on her way to her next party, backed up by Lincoln and Lisa. She was wearing a future style space suit, while Lincoln trudged along in a robot costume. "Thanks for coming along, Leese." Luan said, smiling at her prodigy sister as they strolled down the street. "For this space themed party, I'm gonna need some serious special effects."
"Think nothing of it. I need to wait for my bacterial cultures to grow in my incubator before I can proceed with my experimentation, so I have time to spare." Lisa explained, looking and sounding less than enthusiastic about the upcoming party.
"Well, I appreciate it nonetheless, little sis." They soon arrive at the party when Luan spotted a familiar face speaking with the birthday child's mother. It was Benson, looking much more pleasant than when they last met. "Can you two get things set up? I have something I need to do real quick." Lincoln and Lisa both nod and head around the back to get set up. Meanwhile, Luan approached the two grown ups with a winning smile. "Morning, ma'am, Mr Rogers."
"Oh, good morning, Luan. I'm so glad to see you. I see you two already met."
"Indeed we have. Good morning, Miss Loud." Bensen responded, turning to Luan. While he was smiling, there was a slight coldness in his tone and eyes.
"I was hoping I'd see you again. I wanted to apologize for giving you a hard time last time we met. I thought you just wanted to be part of the act."
"Hmmm. I see."
"I don't think my answer would have changed, but I probably would have left my long eared partner out of it if I knew then what I know now." Luan explained.
"Think nothing of it, Miss Loud. I've decided that I don't want your business after all." Bensen said, raising his hand to brush off her apology.
"I'm glad to hear there's no hard feelings, Mr Rogers-"
"I started my own clowning business." He interrupted her with a sinister smirk.
"...say what?" Luan's smile faded for a moment.
"That's right, Miss Loud. Allow me to present Laugh Out Loud Limited, or LOL for short." He produced a brochure from her pocket and handed it to her. The comedic girl glanced through the brochure, noticing he had professional clowns in his employ, if the pictures were any indication. And the services he offered were much more than she could handle by herself. She had to admit that she was impressed.
"Well, looks like you're off to a good start." Luan commented with a friendly smile, returning the brochure.
"Indeed. I was just offering my services to Mrs Perkins before you interrupted, Miss Loud."
"And I'm afraid I must turn you down." Mrs Perkins said, which wiped the smirk off Bensen Rogers face. "Your business offers a lot, Mr Rogers, but we've been hiring Luan for years now. Our children know her and love her act, and I trust her to make their birthdays fun for them."
"I see...well, thank you for your time anyway, Mrs Perkins.." Bensen said, trying to keep calm in spite of the set back. Mrs Perkins excused herself from the conversation so she could get the party set up, leaving the sour businessman and comedianne alone. "Looks like you win this round, Loud."
"Nevermind, Mr Rogers. There will be other parties. I'm sure your business will do just fine." Luan reassured him.
"Indeed. This is far from over. LOL will become the top comedy provider in Royal Woods." He told her in a deadpan tone.
"Best of luck to you, and may the better clown win." Luan said in a chipper manner, holding out a hand to shake his.
"I intend to. Good day, Loud." He replied coldly, turning his back to her and her friendly gesture. "The business world will eat you alive…" he muttered to himself as he left. Luan frowned, looking at her hand.
"Well, that's nice…." She mumbled sarcastically. "And I left the joy buzzer off and everything…."
Over the next few months, Funny Business Inc still seemed to be the top clowning business in town, thanks to her previous experiences, her reputation and her affordable prices. However, Laugh Out Loud Ltd was gaining a little ground with more entertainers, resources and advertising, despite much higher prices. Bensen was making plenty of money from his venture, much to the delight of his wife and child. "I have to admit, I was very wary when you told us you were going to start this business…" Mrs Rogers commented as she looked over the finances of LOL beside her husband. "...but you're doing magnificently. Your most successful business to date." Bensen couldn't help but feel pride swell up in him.
"Thank you, dear. But I'm not going to rest on my laurels. I made that mistake once. There's always room for improvement."
"Just don't go overboard with new changes. You made THAT mistake before too." She teased him before kissing him on the cheek and leaving him to his work.
"Right now, the only change I plan to make is to make Funny Business' customers mine…" he muttered to himself. "And I know just how to do it…" He gets out his cell phone, quickly dialing in a number. "Hello? Nevermind how I got this number…" He whispered. "I am in need of a certain item I heard you may have. A call interceptor device….yes. Yes, that's the one. How much is it?" He waits for a moment, then his eyes nearly bug out of his head. "That much!? Well, it'll pay for itself in the long run, I suppose...I'll wire the money right to you. You'll leave it where? Wonderful. Thanks a lot." He hung up, smirking to himself.
The next afternoon, in Luan's room, the family joker was organizing her next few parties on her calendar while Lola was acting as her secretary, answering the phone. "Funny Business Inc, where your fun is our business. Lola speaking. How may I help you? Oh, Hi, Mr Delgato! What's the occasion? A grandchild's first birthday!? How exciting!" Lola squeed a bit, getting a chuckle out of Luan. "Just a moment please. Luan, are you free on the fifth?"
"As long as it's after school, sure."
"When is the party, Mr Delgato? 3 pm? That should be perfect. No, thank you for your business. Have a lovely day. Buh bye."
"Thanks for taking the calls, sis. With all these events, I need all the help I can get to keep things straight." Luan smiled at her little sister as she added the Delgato family to her calendar.
"Glad to help, big sis...for the right price." Lola held out her hand, which was soon filled with a full sized chocolate bar. Her eyes started to sparkle as she looked the candy bar over.
"One bar of chocolate, as promised. Keep up the good work and I'll save a slice of extra cake for you too."
Meanwhile, outside, a man in thick coveralls and a cap was climbing up a ladder leaning against the telephone pole between the Loud's and Mr Grouse's residence. He had a handlebar mustache and wore large glasses. He looked around to see if there was anyone watching him. The street was clear. He reached into his pocket and started to attach something to the Loud's phone line. It looked kind of like a fishing sinker, only with a tiny red blinking light and antennae. He grinned as he looked over his handiwork. "Hey, mister! Whatcha doing?" He nearly fell off his ladder when he heard that young voice. The voice came from Lana, who was gazing up at him curiously.
"Err...I'm from the phone company. We've been hearing some complaints about poor connections, so we're doing a little diagnosis on the problem. Once we've isolated the issue, we can ensure our customers have crystal clear phone calls." He said hastily.
"Cool! Can I watch you work?" Lana asked.
"I was just finishing kid…" he climbs down the ladder and packs it up, Lana still staring at him. "Move along, kid. You bother me…" He shoos her away, causing the little handywoman to frown in annoyance as she watched him leave. A few minutes later, the 'phone guy' arrived at the Roger's residence, hastily ditching his disguise to reveal himself to be Bensen Rogers. "Well, annoying brat notwithstanding, a successful operation." He said to himself as he went down into his basement office, where a machine that looked like answering machine had been set up earlier. "Now, I just need to put in the phone number for Funny Business Inc, and all calls for them will come to Laugh Out Loud Ltd instead. It's pure genius."
"Daddy?" Bensen's blood turned cold as he heard the voice of his little boy, Buddy, right behind him. He turned quickly to see his son looking up at him with a worried look, holding his stuffed kangaroo close.
"B...Buddy..what are you doing down here?"
"I lost Charlie down the laundry chute…" He explained, holding up his plushie.
"Oh. Well, in that case, run along, B-"
"What did you mean you were going to take the funny lady's calls, Daddy?" Mr Rogers' eyes darted back and forth for a minute before he sighed.
"Come here, Buddy. We need to have a father-son talk." He said seriously.
"Is this about where babies come from?" Buddy asked as his father picked him up and put him on his knee.
"No no no. Nothing like that. It's more a…lesson about the real world. You see, partner...things may be all fun and games at your age; a perk of being a kid. But the real world is a much crueler place to grown ups, especially in the business world. If you aren't careful, people will eat you alive, figuratively speaking…" Buddy was shaking a bit as he squeezed his toy kangaroo tight to him. "In business especially, people will use every dirty trick in the book to get ahead. The only way to survive is to fight dirtier than them. They hit while your back is turned, you kick them where the sun doesn't shine. They throw mud on your name, you dump manure on theirs. You understand?"
"That sounds so mean…."
"I know it does, bud, but that's just how the world works."
"But it doesn't have to be like that, does it, Daddy?" Bensen sighed, realizing he wasn't getting through to him.
"You're too young to understand, Buddy...but someday, you'll learn and when you do…" he said, helping his son off his lap. "...you'll thank me for this lesson, because you'll be ahead of the curve." He pat the child on the head and gave him a small smile before motioning him to run along and play. Buddy slowly walks to the basement stairs, looking over at his father as he activated the call interceptor. His father was somewhat right: Buddy didn't understand his definition of the real world, but he did know right from wrong, and this seemed very wrong to him.
"...and she'll be at the bar mitzvah with bells on." Lola said in an overly sweet tone. "No, thank you for your business. Have a lovely day. Buh bye." She hung up the phone, taking a big bite of her chocolate. "Mmmmmm. Now, according to your date book, Mrs Tanbaum should be calling about…..now." Lola pointed toward the phone, but it remained silent. "Huh? Oh. Maybe….now!" The only sound was that of Luan's alarm clock. "...now?" Still nothing.
"Hmmm. Maybe she's so busy planning the party she forgot to call." Luan said with a shrug. "I'll reserve a spot for her daughter just in case she calls later. Yes, that would be a good call. Hahahaha!" Lola rolled her eyes at Luan's attempt at a pun, but felt she was probably right. This opinion started to change as the phone remained silent for the next several hours, up to their bedtime. "Hmmm. That's strange. I expected a couple of my regular customers to have called by now."
"Maybe they called that new place you mentioned. Laugh Out Loud, was it?" Luan considered this for a moment. It was possible: they did offer so much more than she could presently. However, Luan knew almost every child and their families in the tri neighborhood area. She knew how to make them laugh and enjoy their parties. Most of them had been loyal customers for years. What could have changed? Was it possible she was losing her touch?
The weeks that followed were a low point for Funny Business Inc. Not since the time Luan had gotten grounded for a month was there so little business. Her phone hadn't rang at all since that fateful day. Laugh Out Loud, however, seemed to be thriving, as Lincoln came to notice. He had gotten a little suspicious and decided to scope out a few of these parties. It seemed all birthdays in the area were being entertained by them, and their clowns all seemed to use the same methods to entertain. A little juggling, a few balloon animals, funny dances and pratfalls. Little to no variety, no theme matching, most of them even tell the same jokes. But by the same token, the kids seemed to like them, so there wasn't much he could do. However, there was one birthday girl who wasn't happy with the choice of Laugh Out Loud. A certain emo girl with long black hair, a pale blue shirt and a black checkered shirt.
"Mom...what happened to Funny Business Inc?" She asked in a monotone drawl. "I thought we agreed to have Luan entertain at my party, not these corporate phonies."
"I'm sorry, Maggie...I tried to get in touch with her, but every time I tried, I got this place called Laugh Out Loud ltd." Maggie narrowed her eyes as she pulled out her cell phone.
"Let me try…" she said, dialing Luan's business number. After a few rings, an automated message answered and said:
"Hello. Thank you for calling Laugh Out Loud limited. If you would like to schedule-" Maggie hung up the phone. She tried dialing again, thinking maybe she messed up. "Hello. Thank you for calling Laugh-" she hung up again, getting annoyed.
"What's going on!?" She asked angrily. She looked up from her phone and spotted a familiar face looking over the fence. A familiar face with white hair and a frown as he looked at the set up from Laugh Out Loud.
"They're even here...what is going on here…?" He muttered to himself.
"You there!" She snapped, getting Lincoln's attention and making him worried.
"Eep! I was just leaving." He said hastily, realizing who it was who spoke. He ducked back behind the fence, but Maggie had reached over and pulled him back up.
"You're Luan's brother, right?" She asked seriously. Lincoln nodded, looking pretty nervous. "I need her home phone number. This is important."
"Here. Borrow my phone." He said without hesitation, not wishing to upset Maggie. He made that mistake once when he tried to entertain her and her friends at her last party.
"Thanks." She replied flatly, looking through Lincoln's contacts until she found Luan's number.
"Hey Linc...what's up?" Luan asked, sounding uncharacteristically glum.
"This is Maggie, not your brother."
"Maggie? Happy birthday, Mags. How are ya?" Her mood seemed to improve as she heard the young goth's voice.
"Not too happy. Mother and I have been trying to contact Funny Business Inc for days now, but every time we try, all we get is this corporate knock off called Laugh Out Loud ltd."
"Say what!?" Both Loud siblings exclaimed at once.
"Here. Try for yourself." Maggie said, handing her own phone to Lincoln. He quickly dials the phone number, but just like her, he got LOL's answering machine.
"How in the name of…?" Lincoln wondered out loud.
"How is that possible?" Luan asked.
"I don't know, but they're setting up here right now."
"Thanks for the heads up, Mags. See you later." As soon as her friend hung up, Maggie took her own phone back and added Luan's number to her contacts list before returning Lincoln's phone.
"I don't know how they did this, but they aren't getting away with it...I better head back home...happy birthday Maggie."
"Wait. You want to help my birthday to be happy...help me get rid of these artificial funny men." Maggie said, pointing her thumb back at LOL's professional clown.
"Hmmmm. I think I have a plan, but I'll need a disguise. Gimme a minute." Lincoln ducked behind the fence again. In truth, the disguise was more for his sake, since he doubted Maggie's friends would be too happy to see him again.
Back at the Loud House, Luan was fit to be tied, ranting about her situation to her sisters. "...and now I found out they're literally stealing my business! I don't know how, but they are!"
"Elder sister, I must insist that you calm down." Lisa instructed, walking over to her. "Rambling on like this isn't going to resolve the issue. Now, explain to us exactly what you were told." Luan took a deep breath before she tried speaking again.
"Maggie told me that every time she or her mother tried to call my business line, they would get the machine at Laugh Out Loud ltd."
"But that's impossible...isn't it?" Lynn asked, turning to the resident brain for answers.
"Legally, yes." Lisa replied? "Illegally, on the other hand, it is possible."
"It is?" Luan inquired.
"Indeed. In order to divert incoming phone conversations to another number, it would require the alteration of the phone or phone lines. In short, wiretapping, which is very much against the law." The young genius explained.
"But no one went into my room, outside of family."
"Someone WAS playing around with the phone lines a few weeks ago." Lana said suddenly.
"What!? Why didn't you say something sooner?" Lori asked, leering at the six year old.
"The guy said he was from the phone company! I shoulda known something was fishy when he never took his device off the line…"
"Wait. The device is still there?" Lana nodded at Lisa. "Dear siblings, I think a closer investigation is required." The ten sisters all ran outside, Lana leading the way to the pole.
"It's right up there." she said, pointing right up at the little device attached to the wire. Lisa frowns lightly, running back into the house for a moment and returns seconds later from the garage with a scissor lift. She raises the lift as far up as she could make it; it wasn't enough to reach the wire, but it was close enough for her to see.
"If I had to hazard a guess, this is an electrical tool meant specifically to interrupt certain signals sent via the telephone wires, and transmit them to another telephone for the purpose of either listening in to private conversations or disrupt communications entirely. Street name: a wiretap."
"Then let's get rid of it!" Lynn said, about to climb up and tear it right out.
"No. No one touch it." Lisa instructed, taking a picture with her phone. "It's evidence. And I need it to remain there so I can track the signal back to its source." She lowers her lift and steers it back toward the garage.
"Well...we can't just stand here doing nothing." Lynn grumbled.
"She's right. We should go give LOL a piece of our minds!" Lola slammed her fist into her other hand, an angry glare on her face.
"Especially their owner, Mr Rogers…" Luan added, her own temper rising again.
"Whoa, hold on, Luan." Leni took hold of Luan's hand before she could storm off. "Just because he owns LOL doesn't mean he's the one responsible for this. He might not even know this is happening." She pointed out, and Luan couldn't argue her point.
"You're right, Leni...wow, that sounds weird to say." The comedic sister said, slowly pulling her hand free. "It could just be one of his employees…which is still bad, but not entirely his fault."
"...it was Daddy…" The nine loud sisters, Lucy included, all jumped at the soft spoken voice behind them. The voice came from Buddy, who looked like he had been caught doing something very wrong.
"...so that's how it feels…" Lucy commented to herself.
"What was that, Buddy?" Luan asked, walking over and kneeling down to look at him.
"Daddy has a thing in his office called a call….inta...septar?" He tried to say, but he was having difficulty.
"Interceptor?" Lori assisted.
"Thank you. Yes. He's been taking all your calls, Funny Lady….he told me it was just business….but it seems wrong to me…."
"Well, so much for the benefit of the doubt, dudes." Luna said with a frown. "I'd say this cinches it!"
"What's the plan, Luan?" Lana asked. Luan was silent, her back to her family. Buddy looked very worried as she stood up.
"...sisters...April Fools has come early…" she said, her voice trembling with fury. She turned to her sisters, looking more angry than anyone had ever seen here.
Back at Maggie's, the birthday girl and all her goth and emo friends were all gathered together by the back door, while the LOL clown prepared inside. However, there was a new face in the crowd. Lincoln had hastily put on the same goth outfit he had used to try and trick Lynn out of his room a few months prior (see "Space Invader") and used it to infiltrate the bleak crew. He slips his way over beside Maggie and gently nudges her to let her know it was him. The teen turns and opens her eyes wide in surprise when she saw him. She was about to ask him about the look, but there was no time. The clown had arrived. He was as cookie cutter as clowns could get: big hula hoop, polka dot pants held up with elastic suspenders, a bright white shirt with red and blue puffs where buttons would be, the typical grease paint makeup, and big red shoes. "Hiya kids! And hello to the birthday girl, Mmmmmaggie!" He cheered in an overly enthusiastic manner. The silence that followed his intro was so thick, it would take a chainsaw to cut it. "Um….right. So, how about some juggling?" He asked, starting to juggle foam red balls.
"Geez...was I this bad?" He whispered to Maggie.
"No." She replied flatly, then smirked ever so lightly. "You were worse." Lincoln's face turned very sour, but thankfully, it helped him fit in.
"Juggling….a never ending cycle...like your mediocrity." One of the emo kids stung, getting a few snickers from the others. The clown started to sweat, realizing he was dying out here.
"Ok. Not a fan of juggling…" he said. "How about magic?" He asked in, reaching into his pants to pull out a colorful handkerchief tied to another. Then another, and another and another. The string of hankies soon stopped coming, seemingly stuck. Lincoln knew what was about to happen and he was prepared to heckle the clown. With a few sharp tugs, the clown had pulled the rest of the cloth chain, which ended in a pair of underwear. Lincoln recoiled in disgust, backing away.
"It's bad enough that you pull THAT old stunt with us...but taking off your underwear in front of us too? That's messed up…" He said, having trouble maintaining his monotone voice. His words still had the desired effect, most of the teens looking disgusted at the buffoon for hire, a few more chuckling behind their hands.
"But the kids love that trick…" The clown said sadly.
"That's even worse!" Someone shouted out before bursting into laughter, the hired entertainer realizing his mistake way too late. Lincoln was struggling not to join Maggie's friends in their mocking laughter. Even Maggie let a few giggles escape her lips. The harlequin was getting desperate now. In a last ditch effort to entertain the kids, he pulls out a tiny tricycle and starts trying to ride around in it.
"That's just a sad display…." One of the gothic gals in the crowd commented, shaking her head.
"Here's a poem for you, you sad clown…" Lincoln grumbled before he cleared his throat.
Blinding colors
Over bright
Way too happy
A hideous sight.
Juggling balls
Poor magic trick
Your bland act
Makes us sick
Painted smile
You don't fool me
It's clear to all
Your lack of dignity
The poor clown just rolled along, his mouth hanging open as his audience either laughed, snapped their fingers, or nodded in agreement with Lincoln. Unfortunately for him, when he tried to get up from the trike, his leg got caught, causing him to fall forward, hitting the refreshment table. His sudden weight on the end caused the table to catapult all the food and drink on it skyward. Maggie's guest scattered, but Maggie was just standing there as her massive cake came falling toward her. "Look out!" Lincoln cried, forgetting his persona as he pushed Maggie out of the way, getting knocked to the ground and buried in the remains of the cake.
"What do you think you're doing!?" Maggie's mother complained as the clown got back up. "You're supposed to be entertaining this party, not ruining it!"
"It's not my fault ma'am. These kids just seem to hate me. Especially that little malcontent!" He snapped, pointing at Lincoln as Maggie helped him out of the cake.
"That 'little malcontent' saved my daughter from YOUR mess!"
"And if you don't want us to hate you, stop with the kiddie stuff. We're teenagers here." Maggie explained to him.
"Listen...you wanted a clown, you got one. This is the usual clown act. This is what I do. What I get paid to do. Nothing more. Nothing less. If you can't appreciate that, you little pill, then hire some more suitable to you...like an exorcist!"
"Get off my property!" The angry mother shouted. "And I will expect a full refund from Laugh Out Loud Ltd!"
"Heh. Read the fine print, lady." The sour funny man grabbed his trike and walked away, leaving Maggie and her mother glaring at his back, but Lincoln wondering what he meant by that.
"That will be the last time I ever use them...are you alright, Maggie?"
"My bleak outlook on life got a little bleaker...but I'm not hurt, if that's what you're asking?"
"And you, young man?" She turned to look at Lincoln, not recognizing him in his gothic attire.
"I'm fine...though I'll be combing frosting out of my hair for the next week…" he replied, muttering the last bit to himself. "Ma'am, do you still have a copy of your contract with LOL?" He asked, the entertainers words still fresh in his mind.
"Yes. I do. Why?"
"Something about what that guy said….read the fine print...it doesn't sit well with me." Lincoln explained, brushing cake crumbs off his skull shirt, a perfectly sliced piece of cake on his head still.
"Hmmmm. I better go look….wait..have we met before?" She asked, looking at him suspiciously. Lincoln froze in place, realizing he had completely dropped his goth act.
"I'll explain later, Mom." Maggie said. "You better check that contract. That's more important right now."
"...yes. You're right, honey." She nods as she steps inside.
"Sorry about that, Maggie…" Lincoln apologized quietly. "I guess that makes two cakes I wrecked."
"Don't worry about it. Our job was to get rid of that guy and we did. And...thanks for taking the hit for me."
"Anytime. Any friend of Luan's is a friend of mine." He said with a smile.
"I thought I recognized that voice…" Once more, Lincoln froze in fear. Maggie's friends had recovered from the refreshment bombardment and were now glaring at him.
"Uh oh…" he muttered.
"Guys, wait…" The birthday girl started to say, but her friends held up their hands to stop her as they started to surround Lincoln. Lincoln went to crouch down and cover his head to defend himself, looking terrified, but one of the kids grabbed his hand...and started shaking it.
"Huh?" He looked up, wondering what was happening. "You….aren't going to pound on me?"
"Why would we do that?" Asked the teen shaking his hand, helping him up. "I mean, yeah, you sucked almost as bad as that clown did last time you were here, but you made a great mime. Besides, not only did you help drive that giggling goof away, but you helped Maggie too."
"That was a wicked poem too." Said another of the goth teens. If Lincoln weren't wearing face paint to make himself paler, their compliments would have left him blushing.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Screamed Maggie's mother from inside the house. All eyes turned to the glass sliding door as she stormed out, fuming mad. "According to this contract, the corporation doesn't have to give refunds if their clowns perform, even if their performance fails to entertain! It was tucked in close to the bottom!"
"What!? That can't be legal!" Lincoln exclaimed in outrage. He got a closer look at the agreement, getting a quick picture of the offending line.
"What are you up to?" Maggie asked.
"Asking Lisa her opinion." He replied. "She's the genius of the family. She'll know if something is up." Seconds after he sent the text, he got a reply. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention, elder brother. However, I am afraid that, while morally wrong, LOL isn't violating the law. It is a dangerous decision to make, and will certainly affect how customers will view them, particularly unsatisfied customers, but they are not breaking the law in this case…" he said aloud.
"My faith in humanity continues to diminish…." Maggie grumbles.
"Sorry, Ma'am…" Lincoln said sympathetically.
"I'm not letting them off scott free!" The matriarch of Maggie's family declared. "I may not be able to sue them, but I have connections...I'll warn every parent from here to the Great Lakes about these charlatans...after I leave a scathing review online!" She quickly returns to the house.
"I should tell Luan about this." Lincoln pulls out his phone and sent his comedic sister a text. Little did he know she was busy planning a war: a war on Laugh Out Loud. And unfortunately for LOL, she knew exactly where their clowns would be.
Luan was riding along on a little bicycle pushing an ice cream wagon, wearing a ice cream vendor's costume and a fake mustache. She parks herself on the side of the street in front of a house that was familiar to her. She climbs on top of her wagon and scans the situation in the backyard with a pair of binoculars. She could see a crowd of six year olds watching a thin circus clown as he entertained them with some juggling. The comedian didn't want to have to come to this, but LOL needed to pay. She would find a way to make it up to the birthday child later. She climbs back into her bike seat, turning the handlebars. Instead of turning the bike wheel, it tilted the ice cream cooler. Once it was properly aimed toward the backyard, she opened the lid, revealing an array of multicolor popsicles set into slots; almost like a ice cream missile launcher. In fact, that's exactly what it was. "Ok, LOL...time to put you on ice...cream." She quipped quietly, pulling a lever on the side of the cooler. A single rainbow patterned ice cream launched from a spring, flying right over the fence and hitting the jester in the back of the head. The sudden impact caused him to drop all his juggling balls, a few of them hitting the young guests in the head. Luan stuck around long enough to hear the upset parents chewing out the clown before she cycled off, not wishing to be caught.
Meanwhile, in another part of town, Lana and Lola had infiltrated the birthday party of one of Lola's friends from school. The clown had already arrived, telling jokes to the kids. Some of them were laughing, but the rest just seemed to be listening politely. "So, tell me kids...did you hear the one about telephone who answered the message of his friend, the well to do clock? It was a callback to a better time!"
"Ugh...even Luan's jokes are better than that…." Lola groaned quietly, watching from the side.
"You got a plan, sis?" Lana whispered.
"I have one little idea…" she whispered back. "You go play in that mud puddle."
"I like this plan already." Lana said with a smile, moving to the nearby puddle of mud, playing around in the muck. After making sure no one was looking, the pageant princess grabbed a spoon from the table and scoop up a glob of grime. She shudders in disgust, but for her sister, it had to be done. She took careful aim, and launched the messy projectile at the harlequin, splatting him in the back of the head. She hastily ditches the evidence and sauntered to the other side of the table when the goof for hire turned angrily, his eyes falling on Lana.
"Hey! What was that for?" The clown demanded to know.
"What was what for?" Lana asked, utterly confused.
"You hit me with mud!" He accused her.
"No I didn't!" Lana snapped, offended at the accusation. "I was just sitting here, minding my own business."
"You've got mud all over your hands!"
"Well, yeah. I was making mud pies. See?" She gestures to the pile of mud in front of her.
"Don't you lie to me!" He yelled, grabbing her by the suspender of her overalls, picking her up to look him in the eyes.
"You leave my sister alone, you big bully!" Lola screamed, running over and lightly pounding on the side of his leg. She could have probably reduced him to pulp pretty easily herself, but that wasn't her plan.
"Stay out of this, you little rugrat!" He barked at her, grabbing one of Lola's arms. The twins shared a quick look before their eyes filled up with tears and they both started bawling. The moment the waterworks started, the clown knew he messed up.
"What is the meaning of this!?" A heavy set woman in a fancy purple gown stormed over, looking utterly furious. Lana sniffled a bit before she answered.
"I was just minding my own business….playing in the mud...and this mean man started yelling at me…" she said through her sobs.
"And when I tried to stop him, he tried to hurt me!" Lola wailed.
"But...I never…" the jester tried to explain himself, but the angry mother wasn't having any of it.
"How dare you! It's bad enough you're yelling at a pair of six year olds, but getting physical with them! Absolutely shameful and disgraceful!" She berated him furiously, waving her hands about. "Now put those little darlings down, pack up your red nose, and get lost! You're fired!" The clown tried to speak, but no words came out. Realizing there was no fighting it, he dropped the twins and started to walk away, looking ashamed. Lola and Lana smirked to one another.
"You're a genius." Lana whispered.
"I know." Lola replied with pride.
Over at Giggles' house, Lynn and Lucy were having a little meeting with the young clown about Luan's situation. "So you're telling me that these Laugh Out Loud guys are literally stealing Luan's business?" The pudgy practical joker asked, frowning.
"Quite literally." Lynn responded, flexing her fingers, ready to rumble. "So, would you be willing to help us?"
"Well, I can't do anything directly….my parents hired those guys for my little brother's party. Buuut, if you happened to be there and 'something' happens that causes them to quit…." Giggles explained, making air quotes as she said something.
"I like the way you think. Come on, Luce. Time to make a pest of ourselves." Lynn said with a smirk, taking Lucy's hand and running off around to the backyard. The clown was already there, and he was a big one. At least six feet tall and built like a boxer. He was currently mingling with the children before he started his show.
"So, what are we going to do?" Lucy whispered to her roommate.
"I'm going to make him want to leave." Lynn replied, pulling a baseball from her pocket. "And make it look like an accident."
"I don't think we want to hurt him."
"I won't hurt him much, Luce. Just annoy him enough to make him leave." Lynn's eyes scanned the crowd until she saw a five year old boy with blonde hair, a little dark blue suit and a little paper crown on his head. Seeing as he was the only one with the crown, she assumed he was the birthday boy. "Hey there. You're Giggles' bro, right?" She called out to him.
"Uh huh. I'm Charles." He replied.
"Lynn Loud. I'm a sister of one of your sister's friends."u The ponytailed Loud said as she shook his hand. "Hey, wanna play a little catch before the show?"
"Do I!?" Lynn smiled at the child's enthusiasm, backing up some before tossing the ball under hand to Charles. He caught it easily.
"Good catch, Little guy!" She told him, beaming at him. "Now put some pepper on it before you throw it back." The little boy chuckled as he reached for the pepper shaker on the refreshment table. "Uh...that's not what…"
"I know. But when you live with a clown most your life, it rubs off on you." Charles chuckled some before throwing the ball back with all his might.
"Don't I know it." Lynn replied right before she caught the ball. "Whoa! That's what I call a throw. You got some power in those arms." The two tossed the baseball back and forth for a little while, with Lynn moving her position ever so slightly so she had a clear view of the clown. She prepared to throw, then tossed the ball harder than intended, the ball flying right over Charles' head. "Oops!" The harlequin turns when he heard the 'Oops', catching the ball with one hand, much to her shock. "Er...sorry about that, buddy."
"No harm done, little lady." The clown replied in a deep voice. "Here, let's get everyone involved in the game." He called out, tossing the baseball into the crowd, the kids all laughing as they took turns throwing it to one another, as well as to Charles.
"This is fun!" Charles declared as Lynn looked a little downcast and annoyed.
"Glad to hear you're having fun...tell you what. When you're all done here, keep the ball. My little birthday gift to you."
"Really!? Thanks, Lynn!" He gave her a big hug before he rejoined the giant game of catch.
"Hopefully, it brings you more luck than it did me…" she muttered, rejoining Lucy and Giggles.
"Well, you did make my little brother happy." Giggles said, a half smile on her face.
"But the clown is still here…" Lynn griped.
"Allow me." Lucy said flatly, strolling over to the crowd of children. Being the only one among them in just black and white, she stood out among all the colorfully dressed kids: exactly what the gothic Loud wanted. She then looked toward the LOL employee and just stared at him. Even though she said nothing, the burly funny man could feel her eyes practically boring into him. He turns his attention to her, looking back at her for a moment before giving her an awkward wave. Lucy didn't even react. She just stood stock still, her eyes locked on him. The longer she stared, the more nervous he became. He tried his best to ignore her as the children gathered around for the show. However, even if he didn't look in her direction, he knew she was there and staring. When he went to do his juggling act, his nerves caused him to fumble the balls. Fortunately for him, the kids found this funny.
"Hehe...sorry kids. Guess I'm all thumbs today." He chuckled as he picked up the balls. "Maybe we should skip ahead to the magic show." He looked up and noticed that Lucy had disappeared from the crowd. On one hand, it was a relief. On the other hand, he could still feel her stare, and not knowing where it was coming from was rather frightening. He turned to his left to grab his deck of cards, only to be face to face with Lucy. He screamed and fell back, sending cards everywhere. The kids were rolling in the aisle, this thinking this was all part of the show. "Don't do that kid…"
"Do what?" Lucy asked in her usual monotone.
"...here, let's try this…" He placed a hand on each of her shoulders and turned her so her back was facing him. "Much better." The clown let her go, which caused her to swiftly turn right back around. He was utterly dumbfounded, but the kids found it hysterical. He tries it again, but once more Lucy turned to face him. He tried picking her up and moving her so she was staring at the fence practically up against her nose. Once she was there. The harlequin slowly backed away from her, watching to make sure she didn't turn around. As soon as he was back in position, he sighed with, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "Sorry for the delay, kiddos…" The jester apologized as he collected his cards. "...but now we can WAAAAAAAH!" He jumped and yelled in shock as he turned to see the duchess of darkness standing right beside him again.
"Hehe. Nice try. You aren't getting rid of her that easily." Lynn muttered, grinning at the sight, while Giggles was practically dying laughing.
"Ok, now you're getting on my nerves…" He grumbled, taking the young goth girl and setting her down on the other side of the fence. "And stay there." He said angrily, dusting off his hands.
"No." Came a horribly familiar voice from behind him. He turned in shock, seeing Lucy right behind him again.
"What!? But you were just...and now you are…..?" He points to her, then back toward the fence, very confused and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. "How did you do that!?"
"It's a gift." Lucy replied, an ever so slight smile appearing on her face. The smile did nothing to soothe his jangled nerves. In fact, it made it worse.
"Ok...let's do a trick you're probably good at…." The desperate performer said, pulling a large red blanket from his over large pocket. "We're going to make her...disappear." He placed the blanket over Lucy. "And with the magic words...presto scramo! The little lady is now…." He pulls the blanket off with a flourish to reveal….Lucy. The kids, Lynn and Giggles were laughing their heads off as the clown's face fell, seeing the little goth still standing there.
"Nope. Didn't feel like it." She said flatly. The bulky clown's eye twitched right before he screamed and ran through the fence to the front yard. The party guests still thought it was all part of the act, applauding and laughing gleefully. Lucy walks over her sister and the young joker as the kids waited for the performance to continue. "Our work here is done."
"Solid work, Luce." Lynn said with pride, taking her hand as they left. After a few minutes of not seeing or hearing from the clown, the kids begin to wonder what happened.
"He's….not coming back, is he?"
"Looks like we beat them to this house." Luna said as she stopped her bike, Leni close behind her, looking out across the street. "So now we need a plan to teach them a lesson…"
"I have an idea." Leni said as she set her bike against a phone pole.
"Ok, you got me curious, luv." The rock and roll brunette turned her attention to her older sister. "What's your plan?"
"We just ask nicely them to go away." Luna looked at Leni in a deadpan manner as Leni gave her a bright, toothy smile in return.
"I don't think they're just going to leave a job just because we asked them, Len."
"Well, maybe if we tell them a truth…" Leni continued. Just then, a little clown car had pulled up in front of the house across the street. Before Luna could stop her, Leni strolled across the street as a tall, lanky medieval style jester climbed out of it. "Excuse me. Mr clown person…"
"Hmmm? Oh, how can I help you, Miss…?"
"Leni. Leni Loud." Leni replied politely.
"Slapstick. Or at least that's my clown name. So what's on your mind, kid?"
"My hair?" Leni asked, a little confused. "But that's not important right now. You work for Laugh Out Loud, right?"
"Yeah. Why?" Slapstick tilted his head at the ditzy teen before him.
"Would you be so kind as to not take this job, please?" Leni asked, putting her hands together and putting on her best 'please' face.
"Sorry, kid, but I gotta job to do." He replied, starting to walk up the walkway to the door.
"But your boss stole this job." Leni explained with a pouty look on her face.
"What are you talking about? The customer chose us." The lanky clown turned to look at Leni, looking offended.
"Because every time they tried to call Funny Business, it went to Laugh Out Loud instead."
"...that's a serious accusation there, young lady….do you have proof?" Slapstick asked, his eyes narrowed. Leni thought for a moment, a look of pained concentration on her face. "...I thought not."
"Wait! I got it!" Leni exclaimed, a light bulb shining over her head. She pulls out Luan's business card from her purse and hands it to him. "Go ahead and call her." Slapstick raised an eyebrow, but decided to humor the girl before him. He got out his phone and attempted to call Funny Business Inc. He waits for a moment, a frown on his face, but it changed to a look of surprise as he got his business' answering machine.
"What the H E double hockey sticks?" He muttered, trying the number again. He tried it half a dozen times, but all the results were the same. Now he looked worried. "You...you were right…"
"I am? Yay! Twice in one day!" Leni cheered.
"I'm outta here….not just quitting this job, but LOL altogether. I don't even want to be associated with this level of…." Slapstick couldn't even finish his sentence, shaking his head in anger as he tore the hat from his head and stormed back into his clown car.
"Leni...you did it." Luna said, surprised, but elated.
"See. Sometimes, asking nice comes a long way." Leni looked pretty proud of herself. "Still...I feel bad for the birthday child here...now their party has no entertainment…"
"I think I can help there." Luna said with a smile. "I'll offer to play for the kids, free of charge."
"Awwww, that is so sweet of you, Luna. I'm sure they'll love your music."
"You head back home and get my guitar, while I go meet with the parents." Leni nods, getting back on her bike and riding off while Luna strode up to the front door.
"...and after he blew up at us, Lana and I started crying, and that brought the clown to his knees." Lola was relating her plan to Luan, Lynn and Lucy, getting a big laugh from Luan. They were standing in front of their house, going over how they had gotten LOL back for their skullduggery.
"Brilliant!" Luan exclaimed.
"Lucy did great too. Scared the guy into quitting using her stare and her creepy teleporting thing." Lynn said, patting her roommate on the back.
"And Lily just got finished sending one of their guys packing." Lori added with a devilish grin, walking over to the crew with the baby in her arms. "She started crying, which got the other babies crying. Add in mothers who disapprove of their children being 'frightened', and you get a clown out on his ear."
"I'm rubbing off on you, Lily." Lola said with a smirk, tickling Lily under her chin.
"Goodness help us all…" Lana mumbled. Just then, Leni arrived on her bike, setting it against the mailbox.
"I'm back guys! Just getting Luna's guitar." Leni chirped as she walked up the path.
"How did it go, Leni?" Luan asked.
"How did what go?"
"Did you forget the plan, Leni….?" The exasperated practical joker sighed.
"Oh! That! Yeah, he quit the job after I asked him nicely." Leni replied simply. Luan just stared at her for a moment before the ditzy loud stepped inside.
"Huh. To think….all we had to do was ask."
"So, how bad a dent do you think we put in them?" Lynn asked. Luan pondered this for a moment when Lincoln came running up to them, still in his goth garb, followed by Maggie. This got his many strange looks from his family, and one surprised look from Lucy.
"Luan! Did you….get my text?" Lincoln asked, gasping for breath as he held his side. He had run all the way here from Maggie's when he didn't get a response.
"Text?" Luan was a little confused, reaching for her phone. She checked her messages, then her face fell.
"Luan? What's the matter?" Lori inquired in concern.
"It didn't matter…." The family joker said, in a distant, devastated voice. "None of it mattered…they have a no refund policy...if the clown performs, LOL doesn't have to give them their money back…."
"...can they do that?" Lana asked, looking disgusted.
"Unfortunately, yes. Lisa already confirmed it was legal." Lincoln answered her, looking sympathetically at his pun loving sister.
"So everything we did…."
"...was for nothing, Miss Loud." Came the voice of Benson Rogers, with a sinister grin as he emerged from his Mustang and walked up to the Loud children.
"What are you doing here!?" Lynn demanded, stepping between the sour businessman and her sister.
"I came here to thank Miss Loud." He said, catching everyone off guard. "You really thought you could ruin me because you got my clowns fired, or convinced them to quit? If anything, you made me more money. If an employee returns early, they can go to another party. And quitting...severance pay is a drop in the bucket. And by the way...telling them about how we're getting your calls…" he snickers, shaking his head. "...not smart, Miss Loud."
"Leni!" Most of the Loud's yelled in anger.
"What?" Leni asked as she left the house, carrying Luna's guitar.
"Why, Mr Rogers…?" Luan said as she fought back a torrent of tears. "Why do you do this…?"
"Why? It's just business, Luan. And in the business world, it's dog eat dog. Survival of the fittest." As Benson started on his little speech, Lisa had stepped out of the garage, walking past both of them without notice, standing at the curb behind Mr Roger's car.
"But this isn't big business." Lincoln interjected. "We're talking a fourteen years old's solo owned clowning business."
"A fourteen years old's successful clowning business. And in the business world, the better business crushes the competition. My business has crushed yours, so what does that make me…?" He waited with a smug smile for Luan's answer. However, Maggie spoke up first.
"An idiot."
"...excuse me?" Benson asked, a scowl returning to his face.
"She's right. You had a really successful business before." Lincoln said. "You may not have been number one, but you were making money. You had the faith of your customers."
"And yet, you couldn't be satisfied. You got greedy and sank into the dark, twisted side of the business world." Maggie continued, her glare locked onto his. "Now you're simply milking your customers like human cows, caring only for the money."
"The money is only secondary, little lady." Mr Rogers growled. "The principal is the point!"
"The principal?" Luan asked, utter perplexed. "Wait...you mean all this is because I rejected your stupid offer!?"
"You made a mockery of me, Loud!" He snapped, causing some of the younger Louds and Lincoln recoil back. "All my life, people have treated me like I was nothing. Like I would amount to jack squat. But here I am now! CEO of the greatest party entertainment company in Royal Woods!"
"That's not what your customers say." Lori said, looking at her phone. "These online reviews are positively brutal. Seems your little no refunds policy left a bad taste in their mouths."
"It seems you've alienated your customers in your petty conquest for revenge...against a girl half your age, no less. You're mother must be so proud…" Maggie grumbled sarcastically.
"Their opinion doesn't matter. Soon enough, they won't have a choice but to use LOL." Benson Rogers retorted as a black limousine came to park right in front of his car. Three men in black suits emerged, Lisa approaching the nearest one and shaking his hand. "Once Funny Business Inc officially goes bankrupt, mine will be the only business for hiring clowns in the area. They will use us, or go without!"
"Or just look out of town. Duh!" Lola snapped, sticking her tongue out at him. Lisa seemed to be talking to the well dressed men, pointing up at the phone pole, where the wiretap was still in place, then over at Mr Rogers, who was oblivious to what was going on behind him.
"Only if they want to pay an arm and a leg for just a clown."
"I literally doubt they'll care, if the alternative is a company that gives their employees no incentive to do a good job, since being fired from the job is actually BENEFICIAL to them and you." Lori spat angrily.
"Don't talk like you know anything of business, little girl." Benson said with a sneer, making Lori even more angry. "I can see I'm wasting my time speaking to you all. I have a business to run. But let me make one thing clear, Loud." He continued, pointing a finger right at Luan, who was paying more attention to the scene behind him than the man before her. One of the men was walking over to the telephone pole while the other two were walking toward Mr Rogers from behind. Lisa moved herself out of the way, a satisfied smirk on her face. "If I ever see you or ANY of your family within 200 yards of a LOL employee or property, I will sue you all back to the stone age AND have you all arrested!" The moment he said the word 'arrested', the two men grabbed his arms and forced them behind his back, one of them slapping handcuffs on him. "What!? What is the meaning of this!?"
"You're Mr Benson Rogers?" One of the men asked, in an almost robotic voice.
"Yes…."
"CEO of Laugh Out Loud Limited?"
"Yes…"
"FBI." The man pulled out his badge, showing the irate business man and the Loud family, the other two following suite. "You're under arrest."
"On what charge!?"
"Illegal wiretapping, and possession and use of an illegal call interception device for the express purpose of hindering another business." The FBI agent explained.
"You have no…!" He started to say that they had no proof, but the man pulled a picture of his call interceptor, in his basement, from the inside pocket of his suit.
"Your interceptor has already been seized from your residence, along with your wiretap soon enough. We have also confirmed that the tap can be traced directly to your interceptor and possess a list of witnesses willing to testify against you, including the black market dealer you bought them from. You REALLY want to talk to us about prove, sir?" Silence. "In that case, you have the right to remain silent…." He continued to read the busted entrepreneur his rights as he forced him into the limo. The second agent had successfully climbed the pole and claimed the wiretap before returning to the vehicle. The last one gave Lisa a thumbs up, to which she returned with a nod.
"Auf wiedersehen, you immoral excuse for a businessman…" Lisa said, waving at the limo drove away.
"Lisa...what did you do?" Luan asked in awe.
"Exactly what I said I would. I traced the wiretap to Mr Rogers', before alerting an acquaintance of mine within the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Wiretapping is a federal offense, after all."
"You are a genius." Maggie said with a soft smile.
"Naturally." Lisa replied. "Now, with the interceptor no longer functioning, your business should rise from the ashes, like the majestic, mythical Phoenix."
"You know, it's kind of sad…" Luan said, shaking her head. "Mr Rogers could have had good business...but he chose revenge over a joke and ruined himself."
"He made his choice. He has to live with it." Maggie said flatly. "It is good to know Funny Business is back in business." The family jester smiled lightly at her glum friend, patting her one the shoulder.
"All's well that ends well." Lincoln said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get out of this get up."
"I don't see why, Lincoln." Lucy piped up, smiling slightly. "You look good."
"You kinda do." Maggie agreed.
"Thanks, but this look isn't me." He replied, looking down at his dark attire.
"Fair enough." Both the goth girls commented as Lincoln went inside. The other Loud sisters started to go inside as well, pleased that this ordeal was over. Soon, it was just Luan and Maggie outside, and Luan looked like something else was bothering her. "Something else on your mind, Luan…?"
"Yeah...before you and Lincoln got here...my sisters and I pulled some major pranks in order to get LOL's clowns fired." She started to explain, while Maggie patiently listened. "At the time, I thought it was justified, because they were stealing my business….but all I did was potentially ruin some birthday parties...and for what? Payback against a creep? Didn't even work that way….so really….am I any better than Mr Rogers?"
"Yes, Loud. Yes you are. Do you know why?" Luan turned to look at her, not having a clue with regard to her inquiry. "It's because you understand what you did wrong and acknowledge it was wrong. You are capable of regret and empathy. True, two wrongs don't make a right, but the first step to righting a wrong is admitting it was wrong to begin with. You've taken that first step, while Mr Rogers planted his feet into the ground like a stubborn weed. As far as he was concerned, he did no wrong. He didn't care about anyone else during his selfish crusade either...not you, his customers, his clowns...just his fool pride and money. So yes, Loud, you are MUCH better than Mr Rogers." Hearing Maggie's logic and thinking about it more, it made sense to her. Luan smiles at the teen emo, who smiled softly back.
"Thanks Mags. You know...I think tomorrow, I'm gonna throw a big party for all those whose parties I spoiled, compliments of Funny Business Inc." The funny Loud said, mentally planning the whole event, her smile growing.
"And there's another big difference. You strive to make up for your mistakes." Maggie said. "It's good to have you back, Luan."
"It's good to be back." Luan replied, giving Maggie a hug. Normally, Maggie would have scowled and told her to respect her personal space. However, in this case and because it was Luan, she would let it slide….just this once.