"That is really not a good noise."
Shepard, a hand holding her hair back from her face, her head poised over the toilet for another go at hurling her guts up, managed a weak and wavy obscene gesture in the direction of the man behind her. It didn't last. Soon she was using the free hand to prop herself up again as her stomach tried to come out of her esophagus.
"Shepard." There was a bit of helplessness in his voice as he came and stood right behind her. "What should I do?"
"Kill me." She answered, her voice raspy.
"How about a glass of water instead?" Kaidan moved to the sink.
Weary, she pulled back from the toilet and drooped against the floor, the cool temperature soothing her. "I resent the fact that it wasn't drinking that has me hurling like this. I should have at least had the buzz before the kill."
"Up." He crouched near her, a glass in one hand as he lifted her up with the other. "I hate seeing you like this. Will you please let me call Chakwas?"
"So she can tell me I'm sick? I figured it out." Shepard snorted before sipping at the water.
He arched an eyebrow at her. "So she can give you something so you won't be sick anymore."
"Hold that…" Shepard was over the toilet bowl again, this time both hands propped her up.
Kaidan pulled her hair back out of the way. "I know you hate showing any kind of weakness, Kaet, but you're sick. You need to let Chakwas see you."
"I just need to sleep." She managed, her entire body shuddering so badly he gathered his arms about her.
"You need a doctor. Why are you being so stubborn about this? Are you pregnant?" The last was a flippant charge and had her laughing weakly.
"No unless you've got super sperm in tiny red capes with blue biotic powers capable of warping the barriers of modern birth control." Came her snorting response.
The room was quiet.
"Shit." Shepard finally said. "I just scared myself."
"Not just you." Kaidan managed. "I'm calling Chakwas." He lifted her up and carried her to their bed tucking a blanket about her. "The full effects of eezo on human males hasn't been fully explored yet. We're still learning."
"Well, that's great to know. I was worried you might have gotten me pregnant, you bastard." Shepard rasped at him, her eyes finally shutting as if she were too tired to keep them open any longer.
"I'm calling Chakwas."
"It's a stomach virus." Chakwas said with a smile that turned to a chuckle at the very noticeable sighs of relief. "I believe Joker came down with it first. I should have quarantined him when I had the chance."
"I've been saying that for years." Shepard muttered glaring at the two figures standing next to her bed. "You should check Kaidan out for super sperm while you're here."
A very delighted, very anticipatory gleam lit the older woman's face. "As the Commander is due for a physical anyway, I believe, it would be my pleasure." There was enough of a purr in the last words to send a blush up Kaidan's cheeks.
"That's hardly a professional attitude, Doctor." He reprimanded moving slightly away from her.
"It may surprise you to learn, Commander, but I was a woman long before I was a doctor." Chakwas informed him, her tones light and full of humor.
"When I grow up I want to be Chakwas." Shepard mumbled into her pillow. "Get to feel up all the hot guys." Her breathing grew even as she settled into sleep.
Chakwas laughed softly. "When she wakes up, you might want to remind her that I also see to the medical needs of the non-human members of our crew. There's nothing quite so fun as telling a Krogan warrior to turn his head and cough."
"Please don't ever put that image in my head again." Kaidan asked rubbing his forehead. "Will Shepard be okay?"
"Let her sleep. When she wakes up, get her to drink lots of fluids. She'll be tired for several days and she'll try to do more than she should." Chakwas tilted her head, studying the slight frown of concern on his face. "She will be fine. Probably about the time you're coming down with this. After your physical, I'll see if Mordin hasn't come up with the vaccine he was working on. He became worried about cross species contamination when Joker threw up on him. On purpose, I believe."
"Uhnnn, I should…there's something..." Kaidan's expression was blank, but desperate as he tried to come up with an excuse.
Chakwas simply laughed. "We could wait until Shepard's awake, if it makes you feel better. As your significant other, she is allowed to be there and share any concerns she might have over what I find."
"Now is good." Kaidan gave in.
"Good. If you'll follow me to Medical we can get this done before Shepard wakes up." She crooked her finger at him and led him out the door.
"It's still not fair that you didn't spend half a day hurling your guts." Shepard complained as she stripped off her armor and set it carefully in the wall slots arranged for it.
"Mordin had a cure by the time I started to come down with it." Kaidan gave a careless shrug, but his eyes were on the woman next to him as she stripped out of her athletic bra and tossed it toward the laundry.
Opening her mouth to comment, she turned to him and then gave a snorting laugh as she saw where his attention was. "You are so easy. One shimmy and you are my slave."
His expression just a shade too innocent, he looked at her. "Prove it." He dared her and had her laughing. "Please?"
"I'm showering." She informed him as she passed him, naked.
"Leave the door open." He said.
"Why?" She asked not pausing in her walk across the cabin.
He stripped off his own shirt and arched an eyebrow at her. "Gee, I don't know, Shepard. You and bubbles are such a boring combination."
"You do remember Chakwas said I wasn't to overdo it." She called back, but left the door open.
"Then we should put you to bed as quickly as possible." He answered flashing her a grin.
"Hah. Until Chakwas certifies that you have the ordinary easily barred sperm and do not have super swimmers, looking at me in bubbles is all you'll be getting." She informed him before stepping into the spray.
Kaidan pulled on a clean t-shirt and sweats before leaning against the door, unashamedly watching her. "We've never talked about having kids."
Shepard completely froze, hands full of suds in her hair.
Kaidan arched an eyebrow at her reaction, a smiled kicking up one corner of his mouth. "That terrified look on your face goes so well with the bubbles."
"Uhm. Kids. Yeah. Cute." Shepard quickly shoved her head under the water and stayed there scrubbing long enough to make Kaidan wonder if she could breathe. "You know, I saw a really kickass armor mod on Illium when we were there last. I bet it would go great with your armor."
The smile turned to a full grin. "Nice dodge. I take it you don't want to talk about having children."
She pushed wet hair out of her face and sighed. "Want to? Not really. I have a feeling we're going to, though." The last was spoken with resigned irritation.
A dark, smoky look entered his eyes as they slowly moved up and down her body. "You'd be beautiful while pregnant, Kaet."
"You're insane." She informed him. "And I can't have a conversation about children while I'm naked." She rinsed the suds from her hair before quickly finishing the rest of her shower.
He laughed and tossed her towel. "Before you panic further, I wasn't talking about having them right now."
There was an almost subtle relaxation to her shoulders and stance as she efficiently dried off and moved past him. "That's good."
"Next month is plenty early enough to start having children. After all, you're not getting any younger." His dark eyes watched her carefully and then laughed as she stumbled slightly.
She gave him a fierce glare and pulled her sweats on with jerky movements. "That isn't funny."
Her anger sobered him and he gave her a considering look. "Do you want children, Kaet?"
She opened her mouth to respond and was cut off by a ping on the com.
"Shepard, get down here and tell this prehistoric bastard to get the hell out of my space." Jack snarled. "I will biotically punch his pointy ass through a wall if I catch him down here again."
"I'd like to see you try." Grunt's gravelly tones challenged.
Shepard frowned. "Grunt, what are you doing in Jack's space?"
"Probably sniffing my underwear." Jack snarled. "Krogan pervert."
"Since when do you wear underwear?" Shepard asked before shaking her head. "Never mind. Grunt?"
"I am pure Krogan. I go where I want." Came the answer.
"Not on my ship you don't." Shepard snapped back. "Why are you bothering Jack?"
There was a silence and then a low mumble.
"You want to try on her leather fetish?" Shepard blinked, staring at Kaidan with stunned horror.
"She has fresh lettuce." Grunt snarled. "She took the last of it from the mess because she knew it was mine. She doesn't even like lettuce. I want it. Now."
Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose. "Jack?"
"Hey, I got it first. He can wait until we restock. I need it for target practice."
"Oh, for the love…Jack, give him the damn lettuce and stop trying to piss him off." Shepard ordered. "Grunt, get it and leave Jack alone. Both of you knock it off. Shepard out." She snapped the console closed.
Kaidan smiled at her. "I bet there are times when you really miss military discipline."
A soft laugh burst through her irritation and she tilted her head, watching him. "You have no idea." The smile slowly faded. "Look, it's not that I don't want children, really. I mean, what kind of mother would I be? I grew up on the streets trying to survive being killed by other kids my age. The only person who tucked me in at night was me and it was usually with my favorite sniper rifle, not a bed time story."
He moved closer to her, running his hands up and down her arms. "You give yourself too little credit, Shepard. And I've never known you to back down from a challenge."
"Yeah, well, raising a kid is a bit different than drinking a biker gang under the table or out shooting the best snipers of three species." She retorted. "I just…"
The com pinged again.
"Shepard, I want Zaeed off this ship. Now. Preferably through the airlock." Miranda's coldly furious tones rang in the room. "I am tired of doing a check for surveillance devices every time I enter the women's restroom."
"Right. 'Cause it's okay for you to put 'em in the men's for security reasons but it's perverted if I put them in the women's for the same reason." Zaeed's voice sneered.
"Are you denying you're a pervert?" Miranda asked with biting disbelief.
"Naw. Just wanna see how you argue your way outta that one." He answered with smug tones.
"Knock it off, both of you." Shepard ordered. "No more surveillance devices of any kind in the restrooms. Period. Am I understood? Both of you remove what's there or I will personally smash them."
"Hah. Told you she'd say that." Zaeed smirked. "Hope you're happy now, duchess."
"I will be happy once we have doors on the stalls and showers rather than have you pass by deliberately opening the doors every time one of the females on board uses one or the other." Miranda retorted, her voice icy and sharp.
"Chambers don't seem to mind." The hum in Zaeed's voice sent a shiver of revulsion up Shepard's spine.
"Do I look like Chambers?" Miranda snapped back.
"Naw, you look like a…"
"Enough!" Shepard cut them both off, the sharp crack of authority in her voice. "Zaeed, stay away from the women's restroom. Miranda, stay away from the men's. I will get the door problem fixed as soon as I can. Until then, drop it! Shepard out."
Kaidan silently laughed at her and earned a glare that had him trying to contain his amusement.
"Look, Shepard, I'm not saying a child is in the immediate future." He pushed wet locks of hair behind her ear. "But I would someday love to have a little girl with your eyes and hair and preferably my temperament."
Shepard narrowed her eyes in mock anger. "Do I get to teach her to swear?"
"Not until she joins the Marines." Kaidan responded and she laughed while he managed a sober smile. "If this is truly something you don't want, Shepard, let me know now and I will deal with it."
Emotions played across her face, confusion being the most prominent. "Kaidan, I've never thought about being a mother. I've never even considered it. I never thought I'd be in a serious relationship, ever. There was always too much…"
"Shepard, Legion has tried to hack into your personal files! This bosh'tet is planning something. We should deactivate it immediately." Tali's voice stormed over the com.
Shepard muttered a low, vulgar phrase.
"I'd prefer you not teach any of our theoretical children that one." Kaidan told her, arms across his chest, but a smile fighting its way over his lips.
"Legion, what the hell are you doing?" Shepard demanded, ignoring Kaidan.
"Verification of Shepard Commander archive data." The electronic tones chirped and blipped across the com. "No hostile intention."
Shepard rubbed her stress spot between her eyes with a forefinger. "Next time please ask permission first." The words were as polite as an irritated Commander Shepard could make them for Legion and then hardened. "Tali, you need to find another hobby other than spying on Legion and then tattling on him for something you don't approve of. I am getting sick and tired of playing referee in this little quarrel. Leave Legion alone and go find something to do in Engineering that doesn't involve him. Shepard out!"
Kaidan's shoulders were shaking, but his laughter was silent.
"Oh, shut up." Shepard snapped at him running low on patience. "These constant interruptions are a prime of example of why I don't have time to be a mother right now. It's just too soon."
Kaidan let go of his laughter, the sound growing louder the angrier her face became.
"Then there is the fact that right now you are pissing me off bad enough for me to want to make sure you never get a chance to procreate ever again." She informed him, her eyes sparking with fury.
"Shepard, tell this…" Jack's voice sounded over the com again but was interrupted by the clear sound of weapons fire.
"Son of a…STOP FIRING ON MY SHIP! Do you know how much I spent to get the Normandy in good condition after our last firefight? Do you think credit chits just drop out of the sky?" Shepard shouted at the com. "I swear if I have to come down there, you will both regret it!" She punched the com off.
Kaidan lost it completely, doubling over as breathing became difficult. He managed to get himself under control as the expression on Shepard's face became more homicidal than angry. Struggling not to grin, he wrapped his arms around her.
"You are absolutely right, Shepard." He told her, looking down at her furious red face. "It is too soon for us to talk about having children together. We need to let your others grow up and leave the nest first." He pressed a kiss to her lips and quickly left the cabin before her searching hands could find something to throw.