Die Asha, Diiiiiie!
Come on, you know you want this. I mean, who really likes Asha? The M/L shippers certainly don't... I don't... and... and... other people don't. I mean, come on. It's Asha. Wasn't the character supposed to be named Stephanie originally or something? I maybe could've liked her a little more if that was the case. I mean instead of intense hatred, I bet I'd just feel loathing. But noooooo! Her name is Asha. Well guess what? I do not like Asha and that is not good for her health.
Read First:
Womannapped
Original Logan
The Noise Of Musac
*N Max's Addiction
Orno Movie
Steel Chef
Disclaimer: Mr. Help The Boat Is Sinking and Mr. Egg Man own Dark Angel. They just do, alright? I don't know why. I mean, people who direct movies about ships definitely shouldn't be supervising a show about genetically enhanced killing machines. *shrugs* But what're ya gonna do?
[Logan's p-ap-pe-ap...ahhhhhhh! I need penthouse therapy! Logan's... home. Yes, Logan's home. Logan is sitting on the couch and Asha just walks right in like she's Max or something.]
ASHA:
Hi, how are you?
LOGAN (moodily):
Oh, hello.
ASHA:
Something wrong?
LOGAN (mumbling):
I just hate you is all.
ASHA:
What?
LOGAN:
Nothing.
[Max walks into the room and stops dead in her tracks. OMG! She's dead?? No.]
LOGAN:
It isn't what it looks like!
MAX:
Oh yeah? It looks like you are having a perfectly platonic, nonsexual conversation with Asha over here!
LOGAN:
Well then it is exactly what it looks like.
MAX:
Oh...
ASHA:
I feel uncomfortable.
[Max glares at Asha and Asha cowers. HA Asha! Cower!!]
LOGAN:
I'm gonna make some Campbells soup.
[Logan walks into the kitchen and Max advances on Asha.]
ASHA:
What're you... what're you doing?
MAX:
Shhhhhh. There is only room for one of us on my show, and it is MY show after all.
[Max pulls out a.... ]
STEPHANIE18:
Oh I can't take the suspense!
[Max pulls out a... spoon!]
STEPHANIE18:
Who read my Things That Would Never Happen On Dark Angel? I would highly recommend it. *big grin*
MAX:
Ya know, I know 45 ways to kill man with a spoon. 46 for a woman.
ASHA:
46? Why one extra?
[Max just raises an eyebrow.]
MAX:
Well Asha, girls and boys are different from each other. You see, girls-
ASHA:
Nevermind!
MAX:
That sounded a little bitchy to me.
[Max takes a few steps toward Asha, and Logan walks in the room.]
LOGAN:
Hey do you guys - Max, what're you doing?
MAX:
Me? Oh, I was just... preparing for your wonderful meal. See, spoon and everything.
LOGAN:
Oh, okay. So, do you guys want crackers with your soup?
MAX:
Oh, don't worry about Asha. She won't be around long enough to eat hers.
LOGAN:
O-kay.
[Logan walks back into the kitchen and Max jumps on Asha.]
MAX:
Diiiiiie!
[Max tries to stab Asha with her spoon. No luck.]
MAX:
Damn!
[Max starts pummeling Asha instead.]
ASHA (yelling):
Logan! Max is pummeling me!
[Max jumps away from Asha. She pulls a book from her jacket and sits down on the couch, pretending to read. Logan comes in and frowns.]
LOGAN:
Asha, why are you making up lies about dear, sweet Max?
ASHA:
No! She had that spoon and tried to kill me! Then she began to pummel me endlessly!
LOGAN:
I frown on liars.
MAX:
Yeah, Logan frowns upon liars you... you... you liar!
[Logan goes into the kitchen and Max walks over to Asha.]
MAX:
Dirty nark.
ASHA:
Noooooooo!
[Max picks up the statue of... um... uh... Jennifer Lopez and walks over to Asha.]
ASHA:
What're you gonna do with that?
MAX:
Beat you with it until you diiiiiie!
[Max begins to beat Asha with the J.Lo statue.]
ASHA:
Oh God! Not the booty!
MAX:
Yes, the killer booty!
[The statue breaks and Bling walks in the room.]
MAX:
Where did you come from?
STEPHANIE18:
What have I told you about pointing out my plotholes??
BLING:
I came from... cheese.
ASHA:
Cheese?
BLING:
Shut up!
[Bling picks up a vase and throws it at Asha. Logan walks in. Bling and Max look around the room like they didn't do anything.]
LOGAN:
What's going on?
BLING:
Uh.... Asha broke that vase!
MAX:
And that J.Lo statue!
LOGAN:
Asha... I'm disappointed.
ASHA:
But... but...
LOGAN:
Asha, please, no more lies.
[Logan walks back into the kitchen. Max picks up Bling-]
STEPHANIE18:
Don't ask me how, I just write these things.
[Anyway, Max picks up Bling and starts beating Asha with him.]
BLING:
Ow! Take that Asha! Ow! Jesus Max, this head is rented!
MAX:
Sorry.
[Max puts Bling down and whips out a... er... piece of... piece of cardboard. She advances on Asha, but despite the head injury, Asha scoffs.]
ASHA:
Oooooo. Cardboard. I'm sooooo scared.
MAX:
Oh really fool? REALLY?
[Max begins to beat Asha with the cardboard.]
ASHA:
That isn't cardboard! That's sheet metal in disguise!
MAX:
So it is.
[Max throws down the "cardboard" and grabs Asha by the arm.]
MAX:
We're gonna take a trip.
ASHA:
What're you going to do?
MAX:
Something. Come on Bling.
[Bling comes back from his fantasy world (it would only scare you if I told you) and realizes that Max is talking to him.]
BLING:
Huh?
MAX:
We're taking Asha somewhere.
[They walk into the kitchen and Logan stops them.]
LOGAN:
Why is Asha all tied up? And why is her mouth taped shut?
MAX:
Oh you know. Kids and their crazy fashions! Listen, we gotta blaze. I'll be back later.
LOGAN:
Okay.
[Max, Asha, and Bling leave the ppppp...Logan's home. They meet a truck outside of... Chuck E. Cheese and Bling hands over Asha.]
MAN:
You sure she escaped?
BLING:
Well, she's a real pouty one. I figure, even if she didn't, you guys could just use her for [thunder explodes in the sky and Bling's eyes get wide. His voice booms.] experimentation.
[Everything goes back to normal.]
MAN:
Yeah. Experimentation is good.
BLING:
So, all set?
[Max walks over and smacks the man.]
MAX:
Yeah.
[Bling and Max walk away. The Manticore truck drives away with Asha inside.]
BLING:
Why'd you smack him?
MAX:
Does everything always have to be about me?
BLING (muttering):
It is your show...
[Max and Bling go back to Logan's...home. Logan has the soup on the table.]
LOGAN:
Where's Asha?
MAX:
Man, I swear. We tried to save her, but that flying Buick just came out of nowhere.
BLING:
Yeah, sorry man.
[Logan shrugs.]
LOGAN:
Eh, what're ya gonna do? Soup?
MAX:
Hells yeah!
THE END
Come on, you know you want this. I mean, who really likes Asha? The M/L shippers certainly don't... I don't... and... and... other people don't. I mean, come on. It's Asha. Wasn't the character supposed to be named Stephanie originally or something? I maybe could've liked her a little more if that was the case. I mean instead of intense hatred, I bet I'd just feel loathing. But noooooo! Her name is Asha. Well guess what? I do not like Asha and that is not good for her health.
Read First:
Womannapped
Original Logan
The Noise Of Musac
*N Max's Addiction
Orno Movie
Steel Chef
Disclaimer: Mr. Help The Boat Is Sinking and Mr. Egg Man own Dark Angel. They just do, alright? I don't know why. I mean, people who direct movies about ships definitely shouldn't be supervising a show about genetically enhanced killing machines. *shrugs* But what're ya gonna do?
[Logan's p-ap-pe-ap...ahhhhhhh! I need penthouse therapy! Logan's... home. Yes, Logan's home. Logan is sitting on the couch and Asha just walks right in like she's Max or something.]
ASHA:
Hi, how are you?
LOGAN (moodily):
Oh, hello.
ASHA:
Something wrong?
LOGAN (mumbling):
I just hate you is all.
ASHA:
What?
LOGAN:
Nothing.
[Max walks into the room and stops dead in her tracks. OMG! She's dead?? No.]
LOGAN:
It isn't what it looks like!
MAX:
Oh yeah? It looks like you are having a perfectly platonic, nonsexual conversation with Asha over here!
LOGAN:
Well then it is exactly what it looks like.
MAX:
Oh...
ASHA:
I feel uncomfortable.
[Max glares at Asha and Asha cowers. HA Asha! Cower!!]
LOGAN:
I'm gonna make some Campbells soup.
[Logan walks into the kitchen and Max advances on Asha.]
ASHA:
What're you... what're you doing?
MAX:
Shhhhhh. There is only room for one of us on my show, and it is MY show after all.
[Max pulls out a.... ]
STEPHANIE18:
Oh I can't take the suspense!
[Max pulls out a... spoon!]
STEPHANIE18:
Who read my Things That Would Never Happen On Dark Angel? I would highly recommend it. *big grin*
MAX:
Ya know, I know 45 ways to kill man with a spoon. 46 for a woman.
ASHA:
46? Why one extra?
[Max just raises an eyebrow.]
MAX:
Well Asha, girls and boys are different from each other. You see, girls-
ASHA:
Nevermind!
MAX:
That sounded a little bitchy to me.
[Max takes a few steps toward Asha, and Logan walks in the room.]
LOGAN:
Hey do you guys - Max, what're you doing?
MAX:
Me? Oh, I was just... preparing for your wonderful meal. See, spoon and everything.
LOGAN:
Oh, okay. So, do you guys want crackers with your soup?
MAX:
Oh, don't worry about Asha. She won't be around long enough to eat hers.
LOGAN:
O-kay.
[Logan walks back into the kitchen and Max jumps on Asha.]
MAX:
Diiiiiie!
[Max tries to stab Asha with her spoon. No luck.]
MAX:
Damn!
[Max starts pummeling Asha instead.]
ASHA (yelling):
Logan! Max is pummeling me!
[Max jumps away from Asha. She pulls a book from her jacket and sits down on the couch, pretending to read. Logan comes in and frowns.]
LOGAN:
Asha, why are you making up lies about dear, sweet Max?
ASHA:
No! She had that spoon and tried to kill me! Then she began to pummel me endlessly!
LOGAN:
I frown on liars.
MAX:
Yeah, Logan frowns upon liars you... you... you liar!
[Logan goes into the kitchen and Max walks over to Asha.]
MAX:
Dirty nark.
ASHA:
Noooooooo!
[Max picks up the statue of... um... uh... Jennifer Lopez and walks over to Asha.]
ASHA:
What're you gonna do with that?
MAX:
Beat you with it until you diiiiiie!
[Max begins to beat Asha with the J.Lo statue.]
ASHA:
Oh God! Not the booty!
MAX:
Yes, the killer booty!
[The statue breaks and Bling walks in the room.]
MAX:
Where did you come from?
STEPHANIE18:
What have I told you about pointing out my plotholes??
BLING:
I came from... cheese.
ASHA:
Cheese?
BLING:
Shut up!
[Bling picks up a vase and throws it at Asha. Logan walks in. Bling and Max look around the room like they didn't do anything.]
LOGAN:
What's going on?
BLING:
Uh.... Asha broke that vase!
MAX:
And that J.Lo statue!
LOGAN:
Asha... I'm disappointed.
ASHA:
But... but...
LOGAN:
Asha, please, no more lies.
[Logan walks back into the kitchen. Max picks up Bling-]
STEPHANIE18:
Don't ask me how, I just write these things.
[Anyway, Max picks up Bling and starts beating Asha with him.]
BLING:
Ow! Take that Asha! Ow! Jesus Max, this head is rented!
MAX:
Sorry.
[Max puts Bling down and whips out a... er... piece of... piece of cardboard. She advances on Asha, but despite the head injury, Asha scoffs.]
ASHA:
Oooooo. Cardboard. I'm sooooo scared.
MAX:
Oh really fool? REALLY?
[Max begins to beat Asha with the cardboard.]
ASHA:
That isn't cardboard! That's sheet metal in disguise!
MAX:
So it is.
[Max throws down the "cardboard" and grabs Asha by the arm.]
MAX:
We're gonna take a trip.
ASHA:
What're you going to do?
MAX:
Something. Come on Bling.
[Bling comes back from his fantasy world (it would only scare you if I told you) and realizes that Max is talking to him.]
BLING:
Huh?
MAX:
We're taking Asha somewhere.
[They walk into the kitchen and Logan stops them.]
LOGAN:
Why is Asha all tied up? And why is her mouth taped shut?
MAX:
Oh you know. Kids and their crazy fashions! Listen, we gotta blaze. I'll be back later.
LOGAN:
Okay.
[Max, Asha, and Bling leave the ppppp...Logan's home. They meet a truck outside of... Chuck E. Cheese and Bling hands over Asha.]
MAN:
You sure she escaped?
BLING:
Well, she's a real pouty one. I figure, even if she didn't, you guys could just use her for [thunder explodes in the sky and Bling's eyes get wide. His voice booms.] experimentation.
[Everything goes back to normal.]
MAN:
Yeah. Experimentation is good.
BLING:
So, all set?
[Max walks over and smacks the man.]
MAX:
Yeah.
[Bling and Max walk away. The Manticore truck drives away with Asha inside.]
BLING:
Why'd you smack him?
MAX:
Does everything always have to be about me?
BLING (muttering):
It is your show...
[Max and Bling go back to Logan's...home. Logan has the soup on the table.]
LOGAN:
Where's Asha?
MAX:
Man, I swear. We tried to save her, but that flying Buick just came out of nowhere.
BLING:
Yeah, sorry man.
[Logan shrugs.]
LOGAN:
Eh, what're ya gonna do? Soup?
MAX:
Hells yeah!
THE END