AUTHOR: Little Miss Violet.
RATING: PG13.
DISCLAIMER: Anything you've seen on the TV doesn't belong to me.
SUMMARY: "But should the angels call her, much sooner than we'd planned, we will brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."
PAIRING: Derek/Meredith.
SPOILERS: All of seasons 1, 2 and 3 are fair game.
NOTES: I live in England (and even then English is only my second language) so my terminology may be lost in translation sorry for any confusion. Reposted to correct some mistakes that were annoying me.
1. "Tear a star from the sky and the sky feels blue, tear a petal from a rose and the rose weeps too."
Standing at the edge of the beach Derek ran his hand across his face, 4 days of stubble had made his skin rough, rolling up his trouser legs he walked to the edge of the sea allowing the cool water to wash over his feet.
Reaching into his pocket Derek pulled out a large white envelope, pulling out the papers held within he ripped them into tiny pieces before scattering them in the ocean. Screwing up the envelope he threw that in too before taking a step further into the water.
"Do you really think that's the answer," Addison said as she stood behind him.
Derek turned to face her. "What are you doing here?"
"I got your message," Addison told him.
Turning around again Derek watched as the small pieces of paper floated on the water. "I forgot about sending that."
"Probably because you were under the influence of half a bottle of scotch at the time," Addison reminded him.
Derek took a step further into the ocean. "Are you sure it wasn't whiskey or brandy because scotch hasn't been the only thing helping me sleep at night."
"Derek-"
"Is this that bit where you tell me that life is worth living, that all I have to do is find the rainbow after the storm and it will all be hugs and bunnies again?" Derek asked.
Taking a step towards the beach Addison took off her shoes, heels weren't exactly the most appropriate footwear for the beach. "No but it's the bit where I ask you what's going on. I haven't spoken to anyone from Seattle Grace for 3 years and then out of the blue you leave a drunken message on my phone and Mark calls, he wants to warn me that you're heading this way and will probably turn up on my doorstep, drunk, suicidal or more than likely both. Only that's all he would say so maybe you can tell me what is going on?"
Turning around Derek looked up to where she stood. "I just want it all to end."
"What to end?" Addison asked.
"Everything," Derek sobbed falling to his knees.
Walking to him Addison kneeled down next to him, not caring that she was ruining her designer outfit, right now Derek was in pain and he needed her and despite everything between them she would be there for him. "Derek what happened?"
"There's nothing for me anymore," Derek cried.
"You have your career, your friends you have-"
"Don't say her name," Derek pleaded, his voice more broken than Addison had ever heard it before. "Please don't say her name."
Addison reached out a hand to comfort him but before she made contact something inside her stopped her from closing the gap. "Did something happen?"
"I … I … It … I just need a place to stay," Derek asked.
Knowing she wasn't going to get anything out of him in his current state Addison helped him to his feet. "Ok. You can stay in the spare room but in the morning we're going to talk."
"No talking," Derek muttered. "Drinking, just drinking I need to drink I … I'm too sober I need … do you have any alcohol?" Derek asked only just making sense.
Addison shook her head. "There's no alcohol in my house."
"No alcohol?" Derek asked.
Again Addison shook her head. "No. I guess I just haven't had a chance to go shopping."
"Then lets go," Derek suggested.
"Go where?" Addison asked.
Stumbling up the beach Derek stopped at the edge of the sand. "To get some alcohol."
"Don't you think you've had enough?" Addison asked as she watched him struggle to get his bearings.
"No," Derek stuttered.
Pushing him in the direction of her car Addison shook her head. "Well I do."
"When it stops hurting then I've had enough," Derek told her.
Opening the door to her car Addison helped him get into the passengers seat before making sure he was strapped in. "It's not the answer Derek."
"No but it's helping me make it through the day without putting a gun to my head," Derek mumbled as he closed his eyes and prayed for the oblivion of a dreamless sleep.
GA-GA-GA
Once helping a near comatose Derek get settled into one of her spare rooms Addison pulled out a bottle of red wine that she was pleased had been hidden from view, pouring a glass she took a long sip before picking up her phone and dialling his number.
"Hey," Mark answered, turning on his bedside lamp and leaning against his headboard.
Putting down her glass of wine Addison switched hands. "What the hell did she do to him this time?"
"Hello Addison it's nice to speak to you too," Mark yawned.
"Cut the crap Mark I know you know so just tell me what's going on with Derek?" Addison asked.
Mark blinked rapidly trying to wake up more. "It's not my place to tell you."
"Since when has that stopped you, it wasn't your place to sleep with his wife but that didn't stop you," Addison reminded him.
"That was a long time ago," Mark sighed.
Picking up the wine Addison took a sip. "Derek he's-"
"A mess," Mark finished for her. "I know," he sighed, everything that his best friend was going through affected him in a way that he had not thought possible.
Taking another long sip of the wine Addison mentally berated herself for not leaving the £200 one of a kind bottle of Merlot until a special occasion. "Last I heard he and Meredith were getting married, what happened? What did she do to him?"
"What makes you think she did this to him?" Mark asked.
"Because she's the only one with the power to hurt him like this, he would do anything to make her happy but she, well it doesn't always work both ways," Addison explained.
Mark laid down against his pillow holding the phone close to his ear. "It's been 3 years people change you don't know anything about their relationship or what went on between them."
"But you do," Addison said.
"But it's not my place to say," Mark reminded her.
Finishing her glass of wine Addison put the empty glass down. "Mark-"
"When Derek is ready he will tell you but don't push him before he's ready," Mark warned her.
"Why?" Addison wondered.
Mark put the phone on speakerphone. "Because that's not what he needs. And Addison don't blame Meredith for this."
"Give me one good reason why not?" Addison asked because right now her friends was in a state and past experience told her that only one person had the power over him to hurt him this way.
"Because right now she's in just as much pain as he is," Mark cryptically answered. "Only she's a lot better at hiding it than he is."
Addison nodded. "Ok I'll take your word for it."
"And Addison?" Mark sighed.
"Yes?" Addison asked.
Mark closed his eyes. "Be there for him, even if he does his best to push you away and spends 24 hours a day drinking himself into a stupor and throwing all sorts on obscenities at you to drive you away don't let him because he needs people around him."
"I'm not going anywhere," Addison promised Mark.
"Good," Mark smiled as he hung up the phone, turning his light back off he hoped that Addison would be able to reach Derek because everyone in Seattle had tried and failed.
GA-GA-GA
Waking up Addison stretched out her arms, sitting up she realised that she had fallen asleep on her couch and it was when she spotted the bottle of empty wine that she realised why. Then it all come back to her, finding Derek on the beach, helping him home and the phone conversation with Mark all of which had left her more than a little confused.
Creeping upstairs Addison slowly opened the door, surprised to find the bed empty she jumped when her front door slammed shut.
"Where have you been?" Addison asked.
Derek motioned to the sweaty t-shirt, shorts and running shoes. "Is the outfit not a bit of a giveaway?"
"You should have woken me," Addison told him.
"Sorry I wasn't aware I had to check in," Derek replied.
Addison shook her head. "You don't but after the state I found you in last night I was worried."
"I'm sorry," Derek apologised. "I'm sorry about last night but it was a wake up call I needed and it forced me to make a few decisions."
"Like what?" Addison asked.
Derek opened her fridge, took out the carton of orange juice and poured himself a glass, downing it in a few large gulps he put the glass in the sink. "Like I need to get away from Seattle."
"What does that mean?" Addison questioned.
"It means that I think the sunshine might do me some good, so I'm going to apply for some positions here or somewhere like here, look for a place to rent and move on with my life," Derek explained.
Addison was worried about how quickly Derek had come to such a decision. "Do you think that's a good idea. What about Seattle?"
"What about it?" Derek asked.
"It's your life, you have a career there you're the chief of surgery you can't just walk away from that and you have a wife-"
Shaking his head Derek interrupted her. "Not anymore, those little bits of paper floating in the ocean last night, well they were divorce papers, my next step is to phone my lawyer and I'm going to get her to send me another copy, then I'm going to sign them and move on."
"Derek-"
"I don't want to talk about it anymore but seeing as I'm here I would like to see where you work so how about when I've had a shower and got changed why don't you show me around the practice?" Derek asked.
Remembering what Mark said about not pushing him Addison nodded. "Ok.
"Ok," Derek echoed as he picked up the duffle bag that he had rescued from his car this morning after finally remembering which bar he had left it outside.
As she watched Derek head up the stairs Addison poured herself a glass of orange juice. "Mark had better be right about this," she muttered to herself.
GA-GA-GA
Entering the practice Derek found himself amazed by what a different world it was to Seattle Grace.
"It's different," Derek observed.
"You don't say Sherlock," Addison teased.
Derek found himself smiling for what felt like the first time in months. "It's so calm."
"You won't be saying that when you meet my partners," she warned.
"Well I already know Naomi and Sam," he reminded her. "So no surprises there."
As she made her way towards her office Addison almost bumped straight into Cooper who was holding the hand of a young girl who couldn't have been more than 2-years-old.
"Hey," Addison smiled. "Whose your friend?"
"I'll introduce you to mine if you introduce me to yours," Cooper teased.
Addison nodded turning her attention to Derek. "This is Derek Shepard."
"Ah the ex," Cooper smiled. "Well this is Mary Stevens she's a patient of mine who thought it would be a good idea to put one of her mums earrings in her ear, like right in the ear."
"Ouch," Addison cringed as she turned her attention to Derek who appeared almost catatonic as he watched the little girl, her dark curly hair bouncing around her face as she shuffled restlessly her green eyes full of boredom. "Are you alright?"
Derek shook his head. "I need some air," he gasped running outside with Addison quick behind him.
Addison found Derek sat outside on a wall. "What's happened Derek?" she asked for what felt like the hundredth time.
"She's gone," Derek muttered.
"She's not gone," Addison told him. "You haven't signed the divorce papers yet you can still save your marriage."
Sighing Derek closed his eyes. "There's nothing to save. Not now, we tried, we really tried but she can't look at me because when she looks at me she sees her."
"Sees who Derek?" Addison asked.
Derek felt his breath catch in his throat. "It's all my fault."
"Did you cheat on Meredith?" Addison asked trying to put the pieces together.
"No, that would be easier, maybe if I had we could still find our way back from it," Derek said his voice close to tears.
Addison sat down on the wall next to him. "Then who does she see?"
"Imogen," Derek said, the word coming out as a sob as he said her name out loud for the first time in months.
"Who is Imogen?" Addison questioned him.
Derek took a series of deep breaths just to remind himself he was still alive because talking about her made him feel like dying. "Our daughter."
"I don't, I didn't know you had a daughter, no one said anything but then I haven't spoken to anyone for years," Addison rambled.
Derek closed his eyes as he pictured her green eyes, they had been so full of life when she had first been born, but then the image changed and they were full of pain, her tiny features were distorted in agony as she struggled to breath, her lips turning blue as Meredith screamed for someone to help her.
"For 7 months 1 week 3 days and 14 hours we had a beautiful baby daughter, she had my facial features but her eyes were the same colour as Meredith's, she was perfect and she was ours, we were so happy," Derek stopped to catch his breath. "But then she started to get sick and no one could work out what was wrong with her, she was 7 months old when they figured it out and there was nothing anyone could do, there was no treatment so we …"
"Derek," Addison whispered tears streaming down her face as she heard the raw pain in his voice, she could never even begin to imagine the pain he was going through.
"We took her home, to the house we built together for our family, we took her for a walk by the lake and showed her pictures, we read her stories and told her how much we loved her, 9 days later she died in Meredith's arms," Derek sobbed.
Addison brought her hand to her mouth to try and stop herself from sobbing too. "I'm so sorry."
"I lost my daughter and now … now I've lost my marriage," Derek sobbed as he stood up and began to follow the path away from the practice, he had no idea where he was going he just knew that he needed to be alone because the only 2 people he wanted by his side were gone, his daughter was dead and in the moment she had stopped breathing his wife had stopped living, pushing him further and further away until she could push him no more.