Words He'll Never Say
Ever since Elaine had come back Ban had been happier than ever. He finally had the woman he loved back in his arms every night. The two had been inseparable. It felt like Ban's world revolved around her. She really was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Ban had never loved anyone else the way he loved her. She was perfection. And perfect for him. They were able to talk about anything and everything together. He told her about his time with the Sins and his adventures since he'd lost her. She would tell him about her time in the world of the dead and how much she'd missed him. There was nothing that they couldn't talk about. At least that was what he let Elaine believe. In truth, there were actually 3 things Ban could never tell Elaine. It was too dangerous.
3. There had been a time when he'd wanted to move on and forget her. It had been 12 years since he'd lost Elaine to the demon. He'd been a sin for two years now and everywhere he went there were women throwing themselves at him. Wanting to drink with him. To go home with him and share his bed. Ban had been searching and searching for a way to be with Elaine again, but he'd continue to meet failure after failure. It was discouraging. Ban had been drinking more and more to try to forget her. He was wondering if it was worth all this effort for a girl he'd only spent a week with. Besides she was dead. She wasn't coming back so there was no reason to keep his promise right? What was the point? That's when he'd met her. She was nobody. Just some slutty redhead at a bar who kept buying him drinks. Ban hadn't known her name. He just knew that she wanted him. And he wanted to forget and move on from Elaine. So he'd let her kiss him. He'd let her sit on his lap and put her tongue down his throat. She'd tried to get him going. To make him want her. But it hadn't worked. She'd wanted him to take her home. But he hadn't. He couldn't. She wasn't Elaine. No woman could ever fill the hole Elaine had left. He was ashamed and hated himself for even thinking that such a cheap tramp could possibly replace his Elaine. And that was why he could never tell Elaine. Ban couldn't bear to tell Elaine and risk having her hate him as much as he hated himself for that night.
2. Losing her was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Ban had been through a lot of pain in his life. Being beaten by Lord Roxanu's guards and deserted by Zhivago. Being executed 33 times. The daily torture during his imprisonment. So much physical pain in his life. But nothing compared to the pain he'd felt when that demon had ripped Elaine out of his life. And not just because he'd nearly died from the demon inflicted wounds. It felt like he'd been the one to have his heart ripped out of his chest, not the demon. She had been the one bright light in his dark life. They had only been together a week, but in that week Ban had felt more happiness than he'd felt in his entire life. He'd fallen for her hard and fast, only to have her suddenly torn out of his life. Ban had held her in his arms. Had watched helplessly as she died. As the beautiful light of life faded from her eyes. He'd never felt so helpless in his life. And he never wanted to feel that helpless again. He could never tell her how helpless he felt. How much it had hurt him to watch her die. Elaine had been the one to actually die. He couldn't stand to compare his pain to what she had felt.
1. He wasn't as strong as she thought he was. Elaine always said that Ban was the strongest person she'd ever know. This was not a fact that Ban would deny, although he might be tied with the Captain on that one. Ban was an amazingly strong fighter and he knew it. In fact, he was not afraid to show this off to anyone and everyone who crossed him… and some who didn't. But all that strength had done nothing for him when the demon attacked. Despite his strength, despite his fighting prowess, despite everything he had done to try to save her; Ban had lost Elaine. All that strength and he had been too weak and powerless to stop the woman he loved from dying. Ban was not strong. Without her, Ban had barely been able to fight. He'd been forced to realize that he wasn't strong. He was weak and pathetic. Ban had tried to carry on normally, pretend he was still strong. The only time he'd ever really felt strong was when he'd been surrounded by the other sins. If he was truly honest he was probably stronger now that Elaine was back than he had ever been. It was one thing to fight for fighting's sake. It was another to fight when you had someone giving you a reason to fight. With Elaine back in his life, Ban found himself having a purpose for fighting. He wanted to protect her. To go home to her. To make the world safer for her. Ban knew he wasn't strong enough on his own, at least not the way Elaine thought. But with Elaine at his side Ban would always be strong. She gave him a reason to fight and that's what made him strong. Elaine was and would always be his strength.
Maybe there were those who thought that it would be better to be completely honest with Elaine. But it was too dangerous. If Elaine knew the truth, knew what a weak, pathetic loser he really was, she would never want to see him again. He'd lose her all over again. Ban couldn't handle that. He couldn't lose her all over again. Maybe someday he would be able to, that he would trust himself enough to not send her running for the hills. Until then it was better that these three things remain unsaid. Instead, he'd have to fill the silence that the left with other truths. Like how much he loved her. And how someday he'd make her his. Definitely.