I got this idea from a Tumblr post I saw and couldn't help writing a Fic about it. While writing this I had a good time, I hope you laugh reading this.

And as Kaoru sat there at the large mahogany table with the Host Club and his family, whom were talking about kinky orgies and incestuous threesomes, he never wanted to crawl in the corner of woe more.

A Couple Minutes Earlier

"Daddy, can you pass the salt?"

Kaoru didn't know why he said Daddy. Usually, when he was with his father, he would say Dad or, well, father. But never 'Daddy.' He hasn't called his Dad Daddy since he started pre-school.

They were currently at the Hitachiin Estate, in the expensive dining room, with the Host Club and his parents. Both his mother and father are very busy people so when they did have a chance to spend time with their kids it's mostly just the four of them eating dinner.

Tamaki, unfortunately, heard about the dinner and insisted on coming himself. Kaoru didn't really know how Honey and Mori ended up in the mix, not to mention Haruhi and Kyouya.

Now, at the dinner itself, Kaoru watched in complete horror at not only his actual father heading towards the salt but Tamaki and Hikaru as well.

This is not happening. Thisisnothappening!

Masao was in the middle of eating his delicious dinner when he heard one of his sons—Kaoru, his brain supplied—ask for the salt.

"Daddy, can you pass the salt?"

Of course he would pass the salt, especially if he was specifically requested. So when Masao reached out to grab the salt he didn't expect to find two other hands heading towards it as well.

Hikaru, his darling child, stared at him with a white face, his hand inches away from Masao's, while the Suoh Heir successfully grabbed the salt and passed it to a shell-shocked Kaoru beside him.

"There you go my son. Daddy always provides for his children." The blonde said, smiling brightly without a single care in the world.

The first thing that came to Masao's mind was that his son was having some sort of relationship with the Suoh Heir but that didn't explain why his other son was also reaching for the salt.

Unless Hikaru was also in their relationship.

He dropped his fork at the thought.

"N-Now Daddy—I mean—Da-ad, it's not what it looks like!" Kaoru stammered. Hikaru nodded enthusiastically beside him. "Right, Tono? You were just joking, right?" Hikaru's voice sounded cracked.

"Why would I ever joke about that?" Was the King's reply.

Masao held a hand to his heart. He was going to have a heart attack. He just knew it. Not only were the three having an incestuous kinky relationship but they were open about it! They could at least have brought the news to him gently!

"Kaoru?" Masao's voice sounded strained. He looked at his son from across the table with a new point of view. Kaoru, his little boy, was an obvious bottom of some BDSM fling. How had this come to be? Was it because he worked too much? Was he not there enough when they were younger?

"Are you using protection?" His wife asked suddenly, her delicate hand holding his tightly.

"Wha—no! I mean, we would if we were…umm." Kaoru looked at his brother with an ill expression. Was he sick? Did kinky sex make the bottom sicker than the rest? Was this relationship harmful?

"Kaoru! Why aren't you using protection?! You don't know if Tamaki-san, no offense Tamaki-san, has any diseases he's giving you or, or—"

"Wait, why am I automatically the bottom—"

"No, Mom," Hikaru spoke up, finally recovered from his shock. "Kaoru and Tono are not doing that. That's…that's just..." The oldest twin gagged.

Really, Masao couldn't believe they were trying to hide it from them. Were they scared that they weren't going to support them? Masao wouldn't have that.

He turned to Tamaki and gave him a nod in some sort of blessing. "As long as Kaoru is okay with it, I will allow this threesome." The Host King stared at the other for a moment before a whisper from Kyouya beside him got him understanding.

Tamaki blushed and Kaoru held his head in his hands. Hikaru was still gagging.

"Mother!" Tamaki shouted with a face as red as a cherry tomato. Both Mrs. Hitachiin and Kyouya answered at the same time, "Yes?"

Oh no. No! There was more of them in the relationship!? Dare Masao think it, say it…

"Wait, are you having a foursome!?" He screeched.

"DAD!"

"Honey, if our sons want to have a foursome, let them. We were wild in our days too, you know."

Honey choked on a piece of cake. Mori patted his cousin on the back helpfully.

"Ew," Hikaru looked green, "I didn't really need to know that Mom."

"Well which 'Mom' do you mean, sweetie? Kyouya-san or me?"

"We are not having a foursome, dad!"

Kyouya made an indescribable noise, probably a muffled laugh. Haruhi looked like she wanted to be anywhere else but there. Masao couldn't blame the poor girl. She must have had a crush on one of them and just found out about their secret orgy.

"Kaoru, Hikaru," he gave his sons his fatherly stare. Hopefully it looked understanding. "I know that you are still young and still learning about your bodies and such. And I support this…whatever it is, fully, but you still need to use protection! I know you know that men can't get pregnant but it keeps you safer and cleaner."

Mori covered Honey's ears while Haruhi also started to blush. Masao noticed this and his heart literally stopped for a moment.

Was…was she part of it too? Was Mori? Honey? The entire Host Club?!

He was getting too old for this. And they didn't use protection? He was going to give that school a piece of his mind. Not teaching his kids the rules of sex! What was wrong with the place? What did he pay them for? To look pretty?

"Mr. Hitachiin, you seem to have a misunderstanding. I can assure you that Kaoru, Hikaru, Tamaki and I are not in a Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism relationship. Tamaki just has this problem where he calls himself the father of everyone in the Host Club and me, sadly, the mother."

Masao knew that by tomorrow his entire head was going to be grey with stress. He took a few needed calming breaths and stared at Hikaru. "What's your excuse?" he asked.

"What's your excuse?" his father asked.

Kaoru turned and stared at his brother, hoping to anything powerful that his older twin wouldn't fuck this up.

"I'm used to hearing it during Club."

Haruhi winced at the choice of words while Kaoru face-palmed. Kyouya sighed, expecting this reply most likely and Tamaki wondered idly what was wrong with that statement.

Kaoru could see from the corner of his eye his father clutching his chest. Kaoru never wanted to go in the corner of woe more.

Every Fandom needs a "Daddy pass the salt" fic. I don't know if this Fandom already has one but here's another one. Reviews make me happy :)