It was seven AM in the Mushroom Kingdom. At the Pad the world-renowned hero, Mario, was just waking up. He remembered that Princess Peach was coming for a visit today, so after some breakfast, he began to clean up the mess that was his Pad. After picking up his hats and getting all the plungers out of his closet, he went out for his morning jog.
The pathway between the Mushroom Kingdom and Mario's Pad was the best place to run. It wasn't that long a path, which was good for the portly plumber, as he ran short on breath quite easily. But today was different; a small infestation of Goombas was terrorizing his once beloved trail. Mario knew what he had to do. He leapt up with a great bound and crashed his feet down on top of one of the goombas, destroying it.
I need-a mush-a-room! The thought flashed through his mind as he realized just how many goombas there were. So he looked around his feet to find one of the magic mushrooms that would make his body grow, making it easier to kill the goombas. He found a mushroom, but wasn't paying very close attention, because otherwise he would've realized it wasn't the right kind of mushroom.
Bowser sat idly on his old throne. The paint on the throne was peeling, and it had two broken legs that were supported by books. He figured that'd be a good use for the books, seeing as the lizard didn't read much.
"Koopa!" He shouted gruffly, "bring me my day-planner!" A small winged turtle flew into Bowser's throne room carrying a small agenda. He handed it to Bowser, who quickly smacked the poor thing out the window. "Let's see…" he said as he opened the book.
August 4th: Kidnap Princess
August 5th: Kidnap Princess
August 6th: Kidnap Princess
August 7th: Attend AA meeting.
August 8th: Kidnap Princess
"Well…today's the 5th…" he sighed as he realized how repetitive his life was. "Better get going then." He left his throne room and went to the hanger, where his trusty Koopa Clown Car awaited him. He hopped in and started up the engine, and quickly ascended to the skies and left his Keep.
Mario felt a little woozy…the mushroom he ate wasn't the usual kind. It had strange spots on it, and though it did help him destroy all the goombas, he now felt as though the world was spinning around him. Bright colors started to glow everywhere he looked. He knew he was losing it when the flowers around him started talking to him.
"Hi Mario!" said the flowers.
"Hello-a flowers!" he replied. He suddenly felt the urge to take off his clothes. "Hey-a, flowers? Will-a you watch-a me clothes for-a while?"
"Sure thing Mario!" said the flowers.
"Great!" And with that, Mario was in the buff, running around in circles in this new psychedelic world. He ran all the way to the castle, and into the courtyard. There he found a clothesline where the Princess had laid out her dresses to dry. With his new sense of freedom, Mario felt no shame in putting on one of the Princess's dresses. He did so, and then he ran all the way back to his Pad, singing merrily along the way.
Princess Peach stepped out of her room and made her way to the Chancellor's room.
"Good morning, Princess! I trust you slept well?" he asked her.
"Yes, I did indeed. Thank you for asking." She replied.
"You will be on your way to Mario's Pad soon, yes?"
"Yes, I will. I'm leaving in a few minutes."
"Very well…I don't see why you spend so much time with that fat thing…his eating habits are the pits. He has no manners whatsoever and you can't even understand a single thing he says because of that stupid stereotypical Italian accent."
Angered, Peach replied, "Oh shut your mouth you old coot! I happen to love that fat disgusting plumber!" And with that, she left the castle. She noticed the clothesline as she left. Hmm…that's odd…one of my dresses is missing…
As Bowser's flying Koopa Clown Car sputtered across the sky (he'd been meaning to get that thing to the shop) he looked down at what he believed would one day be his kingdom. His dream was to one day rule all the land. With beer in hand he flew straight for the castle in the Mushroom Kingdom. Uhh…maybe I shouldn't have drunk so much… he thought. He couldn't see very clearly, and his brain was very foggy.
Mario skipped along the path merrily, humming his own theme music. The sky around him was full of rainbows and the fields were full of Tele-tubbies. He looked up at the sun, and seeing the bright shining smile on its face, he waved to it.
Through drunken eyes, Bowser looked down and cried for joy when he saw Peach skipping down the path. Why is she waving to me?
Peach was on her way
down the path when she shrieked at the sight of the Koopa Clown Car. She began to run in the other direction (a force of habit, not that
it really did anything), until she realized the Clown Car had fumbled
down to the ground and then picked up a strange figure. She looked
closely at the figure and saw it was wearing a dress similar to hers. Wait a minute…I know that
mustache…
"THAT'S
MARIO!" she screamed. Confused as to why Bowser would be
kidnapping Mario, Peach ran full on towards the Koopa Clown Car. Unfortunately the car was out of reach when she got there. She could
only stand by and scream as Bowser made off with her
pseudo-boyfriend.
Wow…I can fly…thought Mario. He felt himself lifted off the ground and looked up to the smiling sun. The sun had apparently grabbed Mario by the waist and was carrying him off to some hidden paradise. Mario decided that now would be a good time to take a little nap.
Dang…Peach gained some weight…thought Bowser. And the fear must've knocked her out…
"NOOOO! Why did Bowser steal Mario?" Peach was befuddled by the event. She didn't know what to think. Had Bowser devised a plan to knock off Mario? And why was Mario wearing one of her dresses? These are the questions that flashed through her mind.
After a few minutes of bewildered thought…she came to a conclusion: This was her chance to pay back Mario for all the times he'd saved her. And with that, Peach's Quest began. No…wait…not catchy enough. Peach's Peril…Peach's Problem…Peach's Journey…dang it… What should the title of this story be? AH! Peach's Plight! And so began Peach's Plight.
Bowser flew into his Keep, landing in the hanger. He threw Mario over his shoulder and laughed maliciously as he walked over to a big cage and threw him in.
"Ha ha ha ha ha! I have you now, Peachy!" he growled. Bowser took a close look at his trophy. Still under "the influence," he failed to realize his folly. "Geez Peach…you need to shave more often, that mustache is disgusting."
Bowser made his way back to his room and decided to take a nap. He was a bit uneasy as to why he hadn't seen Mario yet, but he figured Mario would show up soon enough.
Mario slowly got up. He rubbed his head, wondering why it was throbbing. The colors and whimsical characters had all vanished. Instead he was surrounded by metal bars. He stretched his back and then sat down. How did he get there? What happened? The last thing he remembered was fighting a horde of goombas.
He sniffed the air. Hmm…I-a smell-a beer…and some-a really bad-a body odor…mama mia I'm-a in Bowser's Keep-a!
Peach thought through her newfound journey. She realized she needed some help. But who? She needed someone with experience fighting Bowser. She needed a plumber.
Frustrated, Mallow trotted through the streets of his cloud city. Being a prince wasn't all it was cracked up to be…he didn't have any more time for adventure and fun. He missed Mario. In his boredom, Mallow had managed to start pumping iron over time. His once flimsy arms were now…not…as…flimsy…
So Mallow decided to run away from home and go on an adventure of his own. He packed his things and mapped out a route to Bowser's Keep. He wanted some action.
"You want-a me to do-a what?" screamed
Luigi.
Peach tried to reason with Mario's little brother. "You see…I need someone that is strong…courageous, and willing
to help me. Someone that has a history of great games and is a
master of several talents. I need someone that has the balls for the
job. But…Link was busy…so I turned to you for help."
"Mama mia!" shouted Luigi. He already had several crap games under his belt. Titles such as "Mario's Missing" and "Luigi's Fun with the Alphabet" still haunted him at night. His latest escapade in that stupid haunted mansion really didn't get his career back on track. But he figured this might just be his ticket to the big time. Starring as one of the lead characters in an RPG parody was always a cool role to play.
"Will you help me, Luigi?" Peach gave him the sad puppy eyes.
"Eh…is-a too bad I'm-a such-a sucker for the ladies. Okee-dokee, I'll-a do it." With that Peach had added a member to her party.
"Well let's get going then!" she shouted. The two left Luigi's mansion and started down the path to Bowser's Keep.
Mallow stepped up to the back door to Bowser's Keep. He simply took the cloud bus…really no action there. But now was the time for fighting. Mallow leapt into action immediately, stomping on a goomba. Using his newfound muscles, Mallow burst through the back door. Nothing could stop him.
Luigi and Peach looked up at Bowser's Keep.
"Ladies first, Princess." Said Luigi. She gave him a look that shut him up. Peach walked up to the door and knocked. A small window on the door opened up and a snifit poked his head out.
Looking down, the snifit said, "Whadaya want?"
"We-a came to rescue me brother Mario!" shouted Luigi.
"Let us in you slack-jawed dimwit!" growled Peach.
"No one gets in, not no way, not no how!" cried the snifit. He slammed window shut. Peach and Luigi sadly walked away.
"Hey wait a minute! Why should we listen to that idiot?" said Peach.
"Yeah, good-a point!" With that the two went back to the door and knocked again, this time with authority.
The little snifit poked his head out again, "I told you, not no way, not no how!" Peach reached up and smacked the snifit. With new motivation, the snifit replied, "Well, that's a horse of a different color, now isn't it?" He opened the door and Luigi and Peach ran inside. They were met by a group of terra cotta turtle soldiers and goombas. They saw the snifit running away like a scolded dog.
"Mama mia…that's-a lot-a badies!" squealed Luigi.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious."
The little snifit burst into Bowser's room.
"Master! Master!"
A little hung-over, Bowser groggily sat up. "What on earth do you want?"
"Princess Peach and Luigi have just infiltrated the Keep!" shouted the little snifit.
"Well…call the guards. Duh," said Bowser.
"We already did, sir! What will you have us do now?"
"…Catch them," said Bowser. Suddenly the hang-over started to wear off. "Hey…wait a minute…did you say Princess Peach…just infiltrated the Keep?"
"Yes sir!"
"How could she infiltrate the keep…if…she's…" Bowser let out a large grunt. He was confused…again.
"Ha!" shouted Mallow as he pounced on another Goomba. This is a breeze! he thought.
Four Terra Cottas filed in through a door and assumed fighting positions. Mallow was en-guard in a karate style fighter stance. A terra cotta rushed Mallow who quickly sidestepped and backhanded the turtle in the head, sending him to the ground. Two more terra cotta lunged at him and Mallow jumped over the first, landing on the second's head. The second fell onto the first, and Mallow gave one good "HI YA!!" as he kicked the two of them down the hallway. There was only one Terra Cotta left, and he didn't look as incompetent as the others.
"Mama mia…how did I get into Bowser's Keep?" said Mario, quietly. He had to figure out a way to get out of there. He looked around. He was inside a small little cage with a metal ceiling and floor. Four walls of steel bars surrounded him. "How-a am I gonna get outta here?"
The door to the chamber Mario was in exploded open as a huge lizard walked in. It was Bowser.
"Mama mia! Bowser let-a me out of here!"
"Mario? I kidnapped Mario?" Bowser looked really confused. But…he's wearing a dress…Mario…dress…"RRAAAARRGGHH!! I'm so confused! Why are you here? Where is Peach? And why the crap are you wearing a DRESS?!"
Mario looked down. He hadn't noticed until now that he wasn't wearing his normal attire. "Wow…that's-a good question-a."
"Raarrgh I don't care! I've kidnapped the wrong person!" Bowser snorted, angered. "This almost isn't worth it anymore."
Mario smiled. "Good then, you can let-a me go?" Bowser looked at Mario as Mario gave a huge stupid grin.
"Wow…that's a great idea!" Bowser said as he pounded his fist into his hand. "Oh wait…no. I'm just going to take this opportunity to kill you."
"Mama mia…"
The terra cotta lunged at Mallow, sending his fist straight into the belly of the fluffy young one. Mallow doubled over and gasped. The terra cotta proceeded to kick Mallow in the side, sending him into the wall beside them. The terra cotta stood over Mallow, and raised his foot to strike again, and Mallow lowered his head, awaiting the final blow.
BANG! BANG! BANG! Mallow looked up. The terra cotta was blown back through the wall behind him. Looking over, he saw a figure standing in the doorway, smoke coming from the barrel at the end of his arm.
"Figured you could use some help, my fluffy little friend." He said.
"GENO!" shouted Mallow.
Peach swung her frying pan as hard as she could and slammed into a terra cotta next to her. It flew off the side of the bridge into the lava below. They were getting deeper into the Keep, and the baddies were getting stronger.
"Mama mia! This-a is a lot harder than I thought-a!" complained Luigi. He jumped and landed on the head of a goomba. He kicked the flattened goomba off the side into the lava below.
"We're getting close, I know it." exclaimed Peach. She ran forward and kicked down a door.
Mallow and Geno rammed through a line of snifits, putting the ones who got in their way down.
"Geno, what are you doing here? I thought you went back up to the Star Way?"
"I saw you guys from up above and saw that Bowser was up to no good. I decided to come help my friends." Geno pointed his arm at a snifit, blowing it backwards.
"Wait…you guys? Who else is in this
Keep?"
"You're not here to help rescue Mario?"
"MARIO? Why would Mario need rescuing?" Mallow looked a little confused as he ran forward and kicked a door down.
Mario sighed as he awaited his fate. Bowser paced back and forth, pondering what he should do to Mario. Suddenly, the two doors on opposite sides of the room busted down simultaneously. Peach and Luigi ran in from one door, Geno and Mallow from the other.
"MAMA MIA!" screamed Bowser. Wait…did I just say...mama mia…?
"Mallow! Peach! Luigi! Geno? What-a are you all-a doing here?"
All four of them looked at Mario, who looked down and noticed he was indeed still wearing a dress. He turned red as his hat.
Geno decided to break the awkward silence. "We're here to save you, Mario."
"Yeah, we came to save you." said Peach.
"Yeah, bro, we-a came to save-a you!" chimed in Luigi.
Mallow wasn't as…enthusiastic. "MARIO! How did you get captured by Bowser?! And why the crap are you wearing a dress?"
Bowser growled. "We're still trying to figure that one out."
Suddenly a koopa flew into the room. "Sir!"
"Yes?" growled Bowser. "I'm kinda busy."
"Sir! Luigi, Peach, Mallow, and Geno all have infiltrated the Keep and are headed straight for you!"
Bowser sighed. "Why do I work with such idiots?"
Peach cleared her throat. The koopa slowly turned around just in time to catch a golf club with his face. He flew out the window. She put the golf club away and faced Bowser. "Why did you kidnap Mario? You…you beast you!"
Mallow was confused.
Bowser was confused.
Mario was confused.
Suddenly goombas and terra cotta flooded into the room. Instinct kicked in for Bowser as he sounded the charge. Peach and company began combat with the mass of baddies. Geno shooting goombas here and there, Mallow stretching and smacking terra cottas around, Peach swinging frying pans and golf clubs left and right, and Luigi jumping and pounding. All the while Mario stood shaking the bars of his cell screaming for someone to let him out and give him his clothes back.
Once the baddies were down, Bowser roared. "You all suck!"
Peach stepped forward. "Let Mario go!"
"Like that's gonna work, Peachy."
Peach reeled back and swung. Bowser's jaw was broken.
"OWWW! Stupid…broad!" Bowser held his jaw as a small tear came to his eye.
"Let Mario go, NOW!" yelled Peach. Bowser looked on as the infiltrators all surrounded him. He grunted.
"Look, I'm dealing with a massive hangover here. I don't feel like dealing with this anyway." He reached into his shell and pulled out a key. Tossing it to Peach, he said "Just get this cross-dressing weirdo out of my castle."
Peach caught the key, looking somewhat confused. "That's it, you're just going to let him go?"
"Listen here Peachy, I just wanna go wash the memory of Mario in a dress out of my brain. I'm taking a few days off." Bowser walked out of the room.
Mario sighed in relief. "Now you can-a get-a me out-a here!"
Peach walked up and used the key to open the cell, and a relieved Mario quickly moved out. He thanked all those who came to help him.
"Thank you so much-a for to helping me out-a."
Geno shook Mario's hand. "I must leave now, the higher-ups don't exactly know I'm here." Geno jumped up onto a window sill. "Until next time, my strange friends." A light surrounded him, and when it cleared a small doll fell to the ground.
Luigi hugged his brother. "I'm-a gonna say this once, brother. If you ever wear-a dress again, I'll-a kill-a you."
Peach kissed Mario on the cheek. "I'm just glad you're safe."
"I'm not gonna lie, Princess," said Mario, "you look-a much better in the dress than-a I do."
The group started to walk out of the Keep, when they realized Mallow was still standing behind, looking down.
Mario was worried. "Mallow, what's-a wrong?"
Mallow looked up. "Mario, why are you wearing a dress?"
THE END.