Co-written by RackleTackle. Just something we thought up one night. Warning: This is very, very silly.
Disclaimer: We don't own Smallville or any species of birds.
We would love reviews, good, bad, constructive or flames!
~Cherri
BOY MEETS GIRL, GIRL MEETS BOY
Clark Kent,
Hickory Lane,
Smallville, Kansas.
Dear Clark,
Thank you for your letter, we are here to help you with all of our romantic problems.
Some of the simplest things in life can become the most complicated. Take romance, for example. What could seem more simple? Boy meets girl, girl likes what she sees, romance blossoms. How could you possibly make such a simple event complicated?
Well, here are some actual examples of the way things can go wrong.
Boy meets girl, girl likes what she sees, but is unable to make any sound come out of her mouth. A different girl meets a different boy, he likes what he sees, stumbles, falls over and hides under a very flat rock. Now you are saying, "That's silly, it will never happen to me." And maybe you are right. But just in case, we have prepared a guide to romantic behaviour, compiled from the courtship rituals of birds, just for you.
The male Tern when courting the female Tern catches a small fish and presents it to her. This is a good idea Clark. Give Lana a gift.
Now when the female accepts the fish, the male cunningly doesn't let go, and thus a tug-of-war ensues. This sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. It is called teasing, Lana may not like it but it is a good last resort.
The male Lyrebird in order to attract a mate fans out his magnificent tail. This is an excellent idea. It is called Extravagant Display.
Consider your case Clark. You wear farm boots and plaid shirts and you smell like cow manure. And you love Lana Lang, but she can't see you. To her you are invisible. You should try Extravagant Display just like the Lyrebird.
As an example, you should consider putting on a blue body suit with red underpants on the outside. You can also complete this outfit with a red cape and boots, and have your initial placed boldly upon your chest. This will work wonders. Lana will fall for you in a big way. (This may not work in some places because hundreds of men and women are dressed like this everyday and nobody takes any notice. You, however live in Smllville, so this should work quite effectively.)
The male Bowerbird makes an arched space with branches and leaves. He then decorates this space with sparkling objects, often of the same colour. He might collect bits of blue plastic, a blue clothes peg, blue glass, etc. He then waits outside for a female bowerbird to come along and be attracted to his taste in furniture and fitting.
This is an exquisite idea; decorate your loft with all the sparkly things you can find to try and impress Lana.
Don't take this too literally. Remember, the objects the bowerbird collects are completely commonplace. It is the blueness he collects. It is a mistake to litter your loft with hay, clothes and chocolate bars, when what works best is completely free. We would advise decorating your loft in your favourite colours (blue, red and yellow) and pictures of your favourite things (astronomy).
Female Flamingos and male Flamingos engage in formation dancing, gracefully bobbing their slender necks as they wheel back and forth in the shallow water. This is a top idea. Imagine you and Lana dancing in formation in a shallow lake, wearing gumboots.
The majority of male birds attract their mates by the simple technique of singing. If a female of the same species likes what she hears, she will join in the song. Try walking past The Talon several times singing your favourite song, if she likes it she may sing along with you. If not, we advise ducking any falling objects.
The male Ostrich who, like all Ostriches is flightless, tries to impress the female Ostrich by beating his gorgeous wings looking like he is about to fly. This is a fabulous idea. We advise pretending to jump off a very tall building and pretending you can fly.
The female ostrich doesn't mind that the male ostrich doesn't actually take off. It is enough that he looks like he could really fly if he wanted too.
If none of these ideas work we accept no responsibility inflicted by Lana's good aim. If all else fails, we suggest puppy-dog eyes.
Here is some idea of how this should work out:
Lana meets Clark (you).
She likes what she sees and gives him a fish (or a cappuccino).
You put on your brightest red cape and pretend to fly.
She takes you to the prom, wearing gumboots.
You decorate your room with pictures of astronomical stuff.
Lana has grown out of astronomical stuff, and departs singing.
It's all quite simple!
Hope this helps,
Cherri and Rach (your romantic tip team)