A/N: Well this is my first (and probably last) attempt at writing in the present tense. So don't sue me if I screwed it up a bit.
Dis-of-the-claiming: I don't own Fruits Basket.
Bloodletting
Pain.
It's an emotion I'm familiar with. It follows me everywhere I go and I can't escape it.
And oh how I've tried.
But, there was one person who could save me from it… from myself. Even if it was just for a short amount of time, the bliss I felt when I kissed her soft perfect lips was enough to steal the pain away.
She made me feel alive… wanted.
But she is gone now, a thing from the past. Now I have nothing to live for and the pain, it just won't go away.
People say the only thing to fear in solitude is yourself… how right they are.
The scene from that night over four months ago plays over and over in my head, and your voice, it haunts my dreams. I can't help but wonder what you were thinking when you died. Did you blame me? I'm sure you didn't. You were always too kind,
… too naïve.
Everyone told me that it wasn't my fault, but I can't help but think that it was. I should have been there; I should have seen it coming.
I want them to hate me. I want them to see me for the disgusting creature I really am. But they're all the same. They look at me with those sympathetic eyes, but I don't want that. I want their hatred, not they're sympathy, that's what I truly deserve.
I don't deserve anyone's love and I especially didn't deserve hers. I made a mistake when I told you I loved you Tohru, I never should have given into those feelings.
I'm so sorry. I don't even deserve to live.
Did you know he laughed at you when you died? That bastard Akito actually laughed. I punched him and I would have done more had I not been stopped.
I think that's the moment when I finally lost my sanity.
So you see Tohru, I can't survive like this, locked in the memories of the past. I don't even know what day it is anymore. The others tried to help me, but I'm beyond the point of being fixed. They all sound like broken records to me.
"It wasn't your fault"
"You couldn't have stopped it"
"You have to move on"
But they just don't understand the pain of being hated, alone and unloved. For I am and always will be the most cursed of them all, fated to be locked away as soon as I graduate. I have never had any future, but you led me to believe that I did, that was my first demise. When I was with you, I was happy. Even if I couldn't embrace you, even if I knew we would never be a normal couple, I never regretted my decision.
So Tohru, I never thought it would come to this. If you could see me now, I know you'd be ashamed, but it's just so hard to keep going on like this. Even fighting Yuki has lost its excitement. I just don't care anymore.
So please forgive me for this. If you can see me, then just please forgive me.
I've been planning it for over a week now, I was so anxious for this moment to come. But you know, the funny thing is; now I'm scared. The gun barrel is just so cold, so hard, and so powerful.
Death.
Would it hurt?
I hoped so, for that's what I deserve is it not? To suffer even in my last living moments. I'm sure Akito will be pleased. Yuki will probably rejoice as well, glad to finally be rid of an annoyance.
With the gun loaded and the cold steel tip pressed to my head, I take what it sure to be one of my last breaths. My hands are shaking so bad. I steal a look at myself in the mirror, what a strange sight, watching myself holding a gun to my head with all the intent of really shooting myself.
Do I really want to let go of life?
I bite down on my lip drawing blood. God I'm such a coward. There is no turning back now; I have to go through with this, why the hell am I chickening out now? It's not like anyone will miss me anyway?
Will they?
No… my death will only bring relief. I'm only a burden, just like before.
I take a deep breath, suddenly feeling very calm. It's strange, the feeling of complete serenity at a time like this. My body feels weightless and numb. I smile; I've made up my mind.
"I'm sorry Tohru… I'm sorry I failed you." I murmur.
My finger rests on the trigger. This is it, my final moment, but why do I feel so sad?
"Kyo…!"
I hear a choked whisper from behind me and freeze. No! No one was supposed to be home today.
I slowly turn to face the intruder, though I am sure I already know who it is. There stands Yuki, the person I wanted to see the least. Not when I'm exposing my weakness like this. I expect him to laugh, but instead he does the opposite.
He cries.
He has tears streaming down his face and I have no clue why. What does he care if I shoot myself? Shouldn't something like this make him happy? After all, he does hate me. I realize then, that I've never seen him cry before.
"Kyo, please don't do this."
I start laughing hysterically. I laugh and laugh until I have tears streaming down my face as well. Fuck, it's just so god damn funny and Yuki is still standing there staring, fear apparent on his face. I start giggling again at the look on his face. What is it Yuki, have you finally realized I'm completely insane?
I still have a huge smile on my face as I toss the gun from hand to hand. "What the hell do you care if I do this or not?"
"I…" He seemed to change his answer. "It wasn't your fault."
So that was all he has to say to me? Well I've heard it all before and I honestly don't care. They are all wrong, it was my fault. All the more reason I have to get on with my date with death. I raise the gun to my head again. If Yuki wants to watch me blow my brains out, then so be it.
"Wait!" he cries out.
I raise an eyebrow. "Why should I?" If he doesn't come up with a good answer this time, then I'm not waiting. He's probably just stalling for time until Shigure gets back or something and I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of victory.
I can tell he is choosing his words carefully. He probably thinks that if he says the wrong thing, I will lose it. He's right.
"Because… because there are people who love you Kyo. If you do something stupid like this, you're only going to hurt them."
"Stop bullshitting me!" I scream. Now that makes me angry. How dare he say stupid lies like that? "No one fucking loves me, and no one is going to fucking miss me!" I would have pulled the trigger right then had I not been tackled to the ground and the gun knocked out of my hand. I squirm trying to get out of his grip, but his body is pressed firmly on mine. "Get off me you stupid rat!" I scream in frustration.
I feel his warm breath on my ear. "Look idiot!" he growls in my ear. "It was bad enough dealing with the loss of Honda-san, if we… if I lose you too, I don't know what I'll do."
I spit in his face. He doesn't move to wipe it off; he only stares down at me with sadness in his eyes. To be honest, it's hard to think straight when you have someone looking at you that way. My breath starts coming in short, quick gasps and his face blurs before my eyes. No, I can't cry at a time like this. I just can't. I haven't cried since her funeral, I can't give in now. Not with him watching.
"Kyo," he whispers gently, "we all loved her. None of us wanted this to happen." He takes his finger and wipes away the one tear that had managed to spill out. I practically growl and he pulls his hand back sensing my anger.
He doesn't understand and I know he never will. He hadn't been there, he hadn't witnessed it. He hadn't heard her screams.
"Tohru, I'll be right back. I just forgot something."
She smiled, grabbing my hand pulling me close, but not close enough to make me transform. She placed a soft kiss on my lips before pulling away, blushing. "I love you," she whispered.
"Yeah, yeah," I grinned, waving good-bye as I turned away. I'd been in a hurry that night. The truth was, I had forgotten the ring I'd bought Tohru back at the restaurant and I was in a hurry to get it back. She'd soon forgive me for the quick good-bye once I'd given it to her.
The restaurant had just been a block away. I thought she'd be fine and I didn't want her to know why I was going back in the first place. When I arrived at the restaurant, the ring was right where I left it. I thanked all the gods in existence for my luck.
But my luck changed the moment I took a step out the door. I heard a piercing scream in the distance that I knew in an instant belonged to Tohru. My heart nearly stopped and my blood froze in my veins. No, something couldn't have happened, it was impossible! I ran as fast as I could to the spot where I had left her.
But of course I couldn't be lucky two times in one night… she was no longer there.
That's when I noticed the thin trail of blood leading into the alley.
From that moment on, I knew I was screwed. Nothing I'd ever experienced in my life could have prepared me for what was about to come. I didn't have any thoughts about my own life as I flew around the corner into the alley way, screaming Tohru's name.
There were five of them. Four with knives drawn and as I later found out, the leader had a gun. They were huddled around her and she was screaming and begging for them to stop. I realized with a sick feeling that she was being raped. The men didn't seem to notice me yet and as I took a step forward, Tohru's eyes locked with mine. "Kyo," she whimpered.
One of the men holding her down began to laugh. It was an unpleasant sound and it filled my body with a deep, sick rush of fear. "Is that your little boyfriend?" he asked, slapping her across the face. She cried out, the tears streaming down her face. "Well, sorry to break it to you honey, but he won't be coming to save you." He laughed again, sticking his hand down her shirt…
I don't remember much after that. Everything from then on, is now just a blur of color, sound and feeling.
The sound of bone cracking against stone.
The shot of the gun.
The color red.
The sear of pain.
The scream.
Blackness.
The smell of the hospital.
The tears on their faces.
The blue of her skin.
The memories they never go away. Every night, it's the same thing… over and over again.
My eyes focus on Yuki again. He's still holding me down, afraid to let go, even for a second. I still don't understand why he's trying to stop me. It makes no sense to me, but then again, nothing seems to make sense anymore.
"What gives you the right?" I ask him quietly.
"W-What?"
He doesn't understand, but I didn't expect him to. "What gives you the right, to decide whether I should live or not?"
His eyes widen and his nails dig into my shoulders. "Idiot," he mutters. "You stupid, idiot." I try to protest, but his hand moves, covering my mouth. "Do you really think you were the only one affected by this?"
I don't answer; only continue to glare at the stupid rat. Suddenly, the hand moves from my mouth and instead I feel something warm and moist covering my lips.
His lips.
They move against mine soft and unsure. I freeze because it feels all wrong. I don't want this. I don't want this at all.
End chapter one.
Honestly, I didn't mean to turn this into yaoi, but it just sort of happened.
So guys help me, I'm faced with a tough decision. Should Kyo still commit suicide? Or should Yuki manage to actually save Kyo? Or maybe they should both die. Any thoughts?