Songfic 'inspired by' Asleep, by The Smiths.
If you'd like to read this fic, with lyrics included, go ahead and visit this right here, art/Asleep-mittensandpoppy-366948991?q=gallery%3Acrazywolfgirl&qo=0
(Which I highly recommend.)
So this is just one of the songs requested by mittensandpoppy back on deviantart, one of six awesome songs. The idea for this one came immediately, and I started work on it, though I must say that there were at least three other ideas I had for this, and I kind of wanted to do all three ; -;
But this one came out the most developed, as in I had an ending for it. So, I went with this one.
But I'm going to warn you right now… I cried when I wrote this…
(BLD)
Tears began to run down the tip of Rochelle's nose as she began to softly cry. It seemed no matter what she did, Nick's wound only kept bleeding. The best she could do was wrap his naked torso with a towel and hope for the best, though hoping seemed futile.
Nick slowly reached up and brushed away a few tears, his fingers didn't want to cooperate, so he wound up brushing them away with knuckles instead. When his hand came back down to the mattress, Rochelle looked into his darkened eyes.
The small trail of blood that had trailed from his lips had been attempted to be wiped away, and but only made it a smear that made his condition look worse. A small smile graced those blood stained lips anyway, a shadow of his former confident smirk.
"Rochelle…" it was almost as if he were whispering, but she knew that's all he could manage anymore, "Thank you."
Her hands that still tried to fumble with stitching wire were lightly brushed away, the wire tumbling from her fingers and fell to the floor. She bit her lip tightly, closing her eyes, her tears only worsening.
She then looked back to Nick, her fingers clutching at the bed sheets, "Nick…I'm so sorry…" her words came out strangled, forced. Not being able to do anything for the gambler ate away at her like acid to skin. She felt useless, when they needed her the most, she couldn't do anything.
Nick only shook his head, the motion looking tired, dazed, "It's not your fault, Ro… No one saw that Hunter coming." If he tried talking over the tone he used now, he'd start coughing, and that would only make him worse.
Rochelle sniffed back a sob, her lips curling back as her face contorted into something agonized. She didn't want to see this, not what was to come next.
Nick's brows furrowed harshly, sudden pain making him grip the sheets. He grit his teeth as a low groan left him, his eyes shutting tightly. Rochelle had started to panic, her hands flying up to hover over his body, as if primed to do something, anything to help him.
He shook his head firmly, uttering a command that Rochelle quickly left to obey, "Get Ellis."
She slowly closed the bedroom door as she left it, trying to compose herself somewhat to face Ellis. Oh, God… Ellis.
She couldn't do this, it was all too much… She cracked, just a bit, a small squeak leaving her as she tried to stifle it with a clenching throat. She swallowed, wiping at her eyes for the thousandth time. She had to suck it up, at least for a moment.
She slowly made her way to the living room, where Coach and Ellis sat, one more calm than the other.
Ellis' head immediately snapped up to look at her, worry mixed in with the hopeful eyes he'd given her, panicked, work worn hands wringing at his hat. He looked about ready to puke, or cry… or both.
"Nick wants you." She didn't know how she managed for her words not to come out choppy, or shaky.
Ellis' brows came together, confused, "Is he…gonna be alright, though?" he slowly stood, his hat still clutched in one hand.
Rochelle had to look away, biting against her lip hard. She couldn't tell him. She couldn't, the words would never be able to leave her coherently. She couldn't look the boy in the eyes and tell him there was nothing she could do to keep her lover alive for more than an hour, tops.
Ellis seemed to understand, though, and he didn't waste any time in leaving the living room, his head shaking frustratedly, almost angrily. Rochelle sent one hand up to cover her mouth as she began to sob once again, her shoulders shaking.
Coach wordlessly stood and wrapped his large supporting arms around the woman who he'd considered family for these past couple months of hell. She fell into his shoulder, her sobs gaining momentum.
This wasn't happening.
It couldn't be. Rochelle was supposed to make him better, like she always did, not give him that look.
Ellis refused it, he wasn't going to accept it. This wasn't happening.
He entered the room, his heart sinking at what he saw.
When Nick's head turned loosely on his shoulders to see who'd entered, a smile spread across his lips… It almost didn't make it look that bad…
"…N-Nick?" Ellis quietly called out to him, his head only peeking through the threshold of the door, confused and angry… he was on the verge of doing something. What? He didn't know…
Nick only made a small gesture, patting the bed next to him, beckoning him over to sit. Ellis swallowed, though it barely helped keep down his growing fears.
He shuffled closer, slowly sitting on the edge of the bed as not to jostle Nick. The gambler smirked though, his arms coming up as he grabbed Ellis, pulling him down to lay with him, bring him close to his chest where Ellis automatically wrapped his arms around his neck in return.
He'd adopted a frown, a sad little disfigurement of his lips that made him look so young, like a child watching their pet be put down.
As Ellis was now only inches away from him, Nick could brush his fingers along his face, tracing the dip of the mechanic's nose with his thumb, graze his knuckles over his cheek… lightly kiss his lips as he watched him get only sadder.
"Nick…tell me you're gonna be alright…" it was quiet, whispered, almost like he hadn't wanted Nick to hear, so if he did have bad news to tell, he couldn't have answered anyway.
Nick's smile faded, slowly, but he didn't answer. He just kept stroking his cheek.
"I love you, Ellis." He finally answered, keeping his tone just as quiet as Ellis had made it. The words ghosted over Ellis' face, the stale smell of blood mixing in and making him cringe, not in disgust, but in the fact that it was a confirmation.
Though he hadn't outright said it, he knew Nick was going to die. He wasn't making it out of this one.
His hands were suddenly on Nick's cheeks, pulling him close, while he began to cry, "Nick, no…No…" his tears ran sideways, falling to the pillow his head rested on.
"I love you…" Nick only repeated, a small tear rolling from his own eyes.
Ellis began to sob, his eyes tinged red as he planted firm little kisses along Nick's face, leaving trails of glistening wetness. When he finally came to Nick's lips, he uttered first, "I love'ya, Nick." His sentence was broken, spoken through wobbling lips that could hardly stop their sobbing to form the words.
"I love you so m-much." He continued, kissing him again, a slight hiccup making him stutter.
After he pulled away, he nuzzled their faces together as his sobs would not allow him to do anything other than let it out. He became almost hysteric in his tears, opening his wet eyes to gaze upon Nick's pale face, his hands stroking along whatever they could touch of the gambler. Nick had begun to try and sooth him, but it wouldn't work. His tired hands finally stopped in their demand to silence the grieving boy somewhat and settled on a firm grip of the mechanic's body, pulling him into an embrace.
As his ear was tucked under Ellis' mouth, he heard him try and stop his sobbing to speak again, "I-I don't wan-want'chu to go, Nick…" he sobbed, clenching at the gambler, pulling him into himself in return.
He didn't want these to be their last memories of each other. He didn't want this to be the end. Not for their relationship, not for Nick… Without Nick… He didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to imagine life without the man he'd grown to love more than life itself. What was his life anymore without him?
That simple sentence was what broke Nick of his calm, his body starting to shake, as if stricken with cold, "Ellis…" he spoke softly, nudging his chin upward to kiss him again.
"I don't want'chu to lea-leave me, Nick…please…" he spoke against Nick's lips, muffling his words a bit, but they still rang clear.
"I don't want'chu to go…"
Ellis' pleading was breaking his heart. He didn't have it in him to stop him, to tell him that there was no use.
"I don't ever want to leave you, Sweetheart." Tears now fell more freely, "But…God, Ellis." He lost his nerve, and shut his eyes tight against the pain, his physical pain and his emotional. He gripped at the back of the mechanic's neck, crashing their lips together as he tried to stifle his own pained sob.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
They were supposed to make it out of this together, so they could live with each other, and Nick would propose, and Ellis would say yes… Then they would get married… and live out the rest of forever with one another.
But his dreams all crumbled and turned to dust that would be blown away by his despair.
It wasn't even the fact that he, himself, was about to die… It was the fact that he wouldn't be there to give Ellis the happiness he deserved so much…
"Ellis…we wouldn't have gone far, anyway…" he spoke through his tears, hoping he was still comprehending.
Ellis slowly shook his head, but Nick continued, "I'm not a good guy, Ellis… I would've screwed it up somehow." He came down and kissed Ellis for what seemed like the millionth time, and let their lips slowly part from one another.
"You would've changed." was Ellis' quiet response. He opened one eye to peek out at Nick. He didn't need his answer, he knew.
But Nick couldn't even answer if he had wanted, he got too choked up, his throat tightening painfully. Yes, he would've changed; he would've gone vegetarian and walked around bare foot everywhere if it would've made Ellis happy. And he would've made damn sure that they worked out, that they would've gotten their happy ending together…
He just wanted it to be less painful for Ellis…
But he realized no sort of comfort would sooth his agony.
"I'm sorry, Ellis…" he truly didn't know what else to say. He felt so terrible for leaving him like this, for not having the right words to make it all better.
Ellis' lamenting worsened, his forehead connecting with Nick's. What made the situation so bitter sweet was that Nick wasn't dying quickly. He was going to suffer until the end. But Ellis didn't have it in him to give him the last handful of sleeping medication that they had left. He didn't want him to go yet… Not yet…
Ellis' teeth bared as his face contorted painfully, "Nick…" he uttered. If he could've called the Devil himself out from the depths of hell to make a deal, he would've.
But he was only making it worse for himself, trying to come up with ways to keep Nick on Earth with him… Even as Nick's death was literally staring him in the face, he still wasn't willing to accept it.
Just then, Ellis pulled away from Nick. He became very serious, his sobbing almost ceasing completely.
Nick looked to him, confused, "…Ellis?" he asked gently, but then Ellis was untangling himself from Nick, and all he could help but to think was that he was about to leave him to die alone… A very pessimistic thought, his pessimism wouldn't even leave him alone as he was dying.
But it seemed all Ellis was doing was rifling through their med-kit bag.
"Ellis?" he repeated more firmly. When he came out of the bag with a bottle of pills, his brows furrowed. And it clicked.
"Ellis…I know what you're thinking…" he was starting to choke up again, was he really about to do what he think he is? Christ, why? Not Ellis, he was stronger than this, he couldn't do it.
"But you can't, Sweetheart…" he spoke softly, "You just can't…"
Ellis glanced behind himself at his dying lover, tears streaming from his eyes. He shook his head slowly, "You can't stop me Nick…" he didn't sound conflicted, or confused… he was prepared to die with Nick.
And Nick didn't know how to feel about it…
"Ellis…"
The young mechanic opened the pill bottle and dropped the remaining pills into his open palm, counting them in his head. There should be just enough.
He came back over to the bed, nestling back into it with Nick, still clutching the pills in a closed fist. He wasn't sure when he wanted to take them, but he wanted to spend as much time with Nick as he had left.
"I love'ya too much, Nick… I can't do this without'chu…" he sniffed, and wiped underneath his nose with his closed hand. Then his voice fell back into a whisper as he brushed his nose against Nick's, "There's nothin you can say that'll stop me." He said matter of factly, and came down the inch to kiss him.
"Ellis…" Nick then repeated, but words didn't come. He wanted to believe that Ellis would move on, start over in his life and meet someone who could make him just as happy, if not more so.
But he had a feeling Ellis would just stubbornly let his depression hang over him, and wouldn't allow anyone else into his heart, too afraid to feel this same pain again.
He had no words of protest… and he didn't know if that made him selfish, for wanting Ellis to do it? No, he couldn't want Ellis to do it…
But for some reason, he wasn't objecting to the idea…
Ellis broke his train of thought as he whispered again, "I love you."
He'd never get enough of that, those soft petaled lips uttering that intimate sentence to him and only him… In a second, he was gripping at Ellis once more, pulling him closely as if he knew no other object to clutch to as he was drowning in the open sea.
"I know I can't stop you… I just want you to think rationally." He whispered, keeping his eyes shut. He couldn't look at Ellis, because if he did, his words would catch in his throat and he wouldn't be able to say them.
Ellis shook his head as he spoke, "I a-am thinkin ra-ration-nally…" he growled slightly in his effort to stop his crying so he could speak, "I don't want to be without'chu… Not for one second, God damn it…" his body shook violently as he fell back into sobs, unable to contain them a moment longer. He didn't want to start thinking about the consequences of his decisions, or the ones he'd be leaving behind, because if he did, he might very well talk himself out of it.
Nick shook his head, he was being so childish about it… Or maybe he was being rational… he couldn't tell anything from left to right anymore, and he hated it. What if he could talk Ellis out of it? What if he could be happy someday in the future?
And what if by being silent like he was, he was killing that future for him…?
He couldn't handle all this, and another shiver of pain sent him into a whimper, and he curled himself inward a bit.
Ellis eye's shot wide open at the sound and he began to pet and sooth the best he could, running his hands through his dark hair as he only shivered worse.
He was getting weaker, he could feel it. His body was cold, and no amount of body warmth from the mechanic would help.
Ellis pulled Nick's head till it lay on his shoulder, where he could kiss his temple repeatedly, "It's gonna be alright baby, it's gonna be over real soon." As he finished the sentence, the reality of it hit, and his tears came back in full force, and he buried his mouth against the older man's face as he tried to stifle them.
Nick in turn ran his hands down Ellis' chest, wanting so badly for this to be a nightmare, and when he inevitably went into his forever sleep, he'd wake up in the arms of his lover, and everything would be ok. They could get out of this, and they would have their happy ending…
But then it struck him… that this could still be their happy ending…
This a-way, neither of them would have to watch the other die… And they would never have to live a second without the other, so they'd never feel the grief.
It was all so perfect just then.
Their journey had taken them all the way into December, and if he had been keeping track of the dates right… tonight was supposed to be New Years…
How fucking depressing.
"Ellis…" he'd lost more of his voice, and he felt like his fingers were made of ice, "I love you…" it seemed like that was the only thing he could say now. He didn't know what else there was to be said, Ellis already knew it all.
The mechanic chose now to take the pills, popping them in one at a time as not to choke and swallowed each dry, a few tears falling in past his lips, creating a salty taste in his mouth.
Once they were all gone, he situated himself again, how they'd been before and had to manually wrap Nick's arms around him. A fact he didn't let himself register.
Once they were face to face again, he suddenly smiled. Though it was a small, sad smile, it was a smile none the less. This was the happiest decision he's made in a long time…
Nick cleared his throat just a bit, finally having something worth saying, "If I asked you to move in with me, what would you say?" he wanted to know, before he died, could they have?
Ellis smiled broadly, his eyes swelling with tears of bitter sweet joy, "Yes, Nick, I would've…" he bit his bottom lip, nuzzling into Nick's face, and the gambler smiled.
"And if we got a car together, what would you want?" he asked, one of his hands weakly petting at Ellis curly locks.
Ellis suddenly laughed, the sound like a puppies whimper, but yet still made Nick melt on the inside, "I w-would suggest a truck, actually."
Nick laughed too, though it was much more subdued. This is how he wanted it, the both of them smiling and laughing… this is how he wanted it to end.
"What if I asked for a dog?" Ellis suddenly asked, pecking Nick on the lips once, the motion much less sad and more affectionate, as if he were actually trying to butter him up to the idea of owning a dog.
That's when Nick's eyebrow quirked, his old demeanor resurfacing, "Well, we'd talk about it, but no guaranties." That made Ellis chuckle, shaking his head a bit.
Nick had smiled again, but it faded just a bit… for only a second, until it turned to a taut line. He could see how the medication was already taking affect, Ellis' eyes were slow to re-open every time he blinked, and he looked to be stifling a yawn just now with a deep inhale.
"And if I asked you to marry me…" it'd been more a statement than a question, and he waited, patiently, for his reaction.
It'd been like lighting a match, fire igniting like wild all along his features, setting a warmth in between them that was almost tangible, Ellis' hands suddenly going flat against Nick's bare, cool chest.
"Oh my God, Nick…Yes…" he'd answered, bringing their lips together for an intimate kiss, opening his mouth so they could mold together like they did so perfectly. Their tongues danced, each of them trying their best to keep in control of themselves, but it was growing apparent that it was difficult for them both.
But that didn't mean it was any less enjoyable.
As they kissed, Nick had flashbacks, of when he'd finally confessed to Ellis, and how Ellis practically cried he was so happy because he'd felt the same way… when they'd first made love with one another, knowing it was Ellis' first time, with any gender, so Nick had been the gentlest he'd ever been with another person… how Ellis said he'd loved him for the first time…
As these images replayed through his head, he wondered if they went through Ellis'. He wondered what his fondest memory of one another was, and if he thought about it when things had gotten tough when they were fighting the infected.
He finally pulled away from their kiss, though he could've kept kissing him to his end, and he knew Ellis wouldn't have had any objections.
"You were what kept me sane, Ellis… This whole time, even when we first met…" Ellis had mostly stopped crying a few moments ago, but a single tear leaked from an eye just then, "If I seemed like I knew what I was doing… I only did it to keep you calm, or I braved through it because I knew you needed my reassurance… You were what drove me to keep going, Sweetheart… I just wanted you to know that." He finished, his head tilting sideways a bit as he looked to Ellis lips, and his chin, and the light stubble that ghosted along his jawline.
Ellis smiled then, his eyes slowly shutting, he set a kiss on Nick's forehead, "Thank you, Nick." It felt so good to hear that, Nick didn't even know.
As their time became even few, they nestled close, both gazing upon one another, both unable to close their eyes despite the nagging tug of eternal exhaustion, their forever sleep.
They kissed once again, almost having expected it from one another, the motion so synchronized. "This might sound weird, but… I'm so happy right now, Nick…" Ellis confided in Nick, like he'd done so many times before.
Nick couldn't deny that he felt the same.
Ellis yawned then, one hand rising to cover his mouth as he did so. As he came back to rest his head close to Nick's, it looked as though he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. And when they would stay closed for too long, he'd snap them back open, and tried to keep them that way only for them to droop once again.
Nick smiled softly, though his eyes began to get teary once again as he kissed his lover's temple, "Go to sleep, Sweetheart… I'll be here when you wake up." He murmured.
Ellis looked to Nick, a slow smiling spreading across his lips. He wasn't sure if he'd even comprehended what he'd said properly, but Ellis kissed Nick, slowly and when he pulled away, it was like he knew it'd be the last time he'd be saying the words, "I love you."
His tears suddenly over flowed and he lost that good feeling, his next sentence coming out heart broken, "I love you, too." As his bottom lip quivered, he watched as his young lover smiled once again, and closed his eyes, for the last time.
Nick then laid his head next to Ellis' bringing their foreheads together as he let his aching body settle, letting one of his hands come between them as he clasped the mechanic's unresponsive one. He held his hand tightly as he felt another stab of pain, just wanting it to be over already. As he glanced off to his side, he couldn't help but to have the fleeting thought…
Rochelle will be so broken when she found them, lifeless in the morning. She should've really stayed in the room.
It was only a fleeting thought. He knew she would forgive Ellis, what else could she do? She knew the boy was drowning when it came to being in love with Nick. She could understand.
Only a few minutes later, as they both slipped into their sleep, entwined with one another, the clock struck twelve, and in came the new year.
Though, instead of Auld Lang Syne that greeted the year, there was complete and utter silence.
They had missed the new year by only minutes.
The only miracle was that they hadn't been mangled out in some field and left to die. When the others came to drag Ellis away from Nick's lifeless body, like they would be expecting to do, they would only find them asleep.
And this time, instead of waking them to fight for another day, they would decide to let them get their rest.