Episode 1: The New Television
If one were to head down Main Street, Toontown and take a sharp left down Iwerks Avenue, before bearing left again down seemingly innocuous yet strangely gloomy passageway, one would be confronted with the sight of a Mansion. Indeed, this is a Mansion worthy of the capitalisation, as its dark spires and looming neo-gothic façade instil a certain degree of reluctant reverence into one's heart. However, if one was still not put off by the looming Mansion, inexplicably surrounded by storm clouds 24/7, its inhabitants are certainly off-putting enough.
*Roll intro, featuring a gaudy homage (read: parody) to the iconic Full House intro, featuring the major Disney Villains*
We open onto the living room of the Mansion; the room is cavernous, with a high Victorian ceiling and large windows. Pinned to the door is a small whiteboard reading 'DAYS WITHOUT VIOLENCE: 4', but the ink stain directly underneath says otherwise. A battered pool table resides in one corner, while in the opposite corner a small television is perched upon a wobbly stand.
Said television is the chief source of conflict today.
The television had been on the fritz for a while now (and let it be known that they had reported it to the Mouse three times in the past month), with problems ranging from a static-laced screen to a dodgy remote control. Hook even claims to have received a moderate electric shock from it.
The Queen of Hearts sits on one of the fading red faux-velvet couches, fumbling with the television remote. Muttering violently under her breath, she jabs a stumpy finger at the object, intent on changing the channel. Let it also be known that the Queen of Hearts has a reputation for being rather bad-tempered. After three more minutes of forceful jabbing, she lets out a savage cry of frustration, and lobs the offending device at the television screen with all her might. The other Villains idling in the room look up to see what the commotion is, and are greeted with the sight of a seething (if not slightly sheepish) Queen of Hearts glaring daggers at the remote, which is now thoroughly embedded in the television screen.
"Why are you like this?" Facilier mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Hearts turns to him sharply, beady eyes zeroing in on him like a hawk's, "That damned remote broke and the TV was stuck on that godawful 'Real Princesses of Disney' show!"
Seeing the woebegone expressions of his fellow Villains, Hans decides to put forward his view of the situation, "Well, I guess we can always get the screen replaced?"
The assembled Villains turn to him, snark at the ready, when the television gives a choked sputtering sound and promptly explodes.
"EVERYBODY DOWN!"
After the television shows no more signs of combusting further, the Villains survey the damage. A blackened scorch mark now occupied the space of their former television, which has been blown clear out of the window.
A collective sigh of despair emanates from the group, with a disgruntled "Oy" coming from Hades' direction.
"Damnit woman, do you know how much that TV cost us?!" Hook rounds on Hearts.
"$35 from Honest John and Gideon!"
Lost for words at the realisation that his argument wasn't exactly compelling, Hook quietly sits down on the sofa.
"Look, we need to buy a new one," Gothel declares, determined to bring some rationality into the situation before it gets out of hand, "We can pool our money and buy a decent one for a change."
"Hey, if the Mouse can't be bothered to get his ass in gear and repair our old one, it should be him who pays for our new one!" Hades (who in actuality was saving his money for a hot tub) exclaims.
This is met by clamours of agreement.
"Well," Gothel begins, "if we want this done properly, we'll need someone diplomatic, someone to make a good case for us getting a decent replacement."
"No one is diplomatic like Gaston!"
Gothel casts a withering look at the hunter, "...that's Gaston ruled out."
"I think I know just the person we're looking for..." Jafar smirks.
o.o.o.o.o
Jafar stumbles backwards, rubbing his nose after its unfortunate contact with Maleficent's door.
"Told ya Mal wouldn't do it. She doesn't even watch TV anyway," Hades smirks at the ex-vizier.
Jafar merely frowns. Straightening his turban, he starts down the corridor again, "I refuse to sit in that waiting room for hours on end before listening to the rodent hum and hah about the budget and all that. The others are all clamouring for an upgrade from the last one. Grimhilde saw an 80 inch screen in an advert the other week, and has somehow managed to convince the others that we need it."
"What we need," Hades declares, "is some sap who will go to the Mouse and demand that we receive said 80 inch television. A total suicide mission, of course, but-"
"What about Kronk?"
"Helping out at the old folks' home"
"Hans?"
"Still recovering from having to fix Ursula's fish tank"
"Cruella, then?"
"Jafar, the Mouse's pet dog already hates us all anyway. What makes you think the fur-obsessed madwoman would be a better choice?"
Jafar turns suddenly to his companion, "What about Frollo?"
Mulling it over for a second, Hades' face splits into a wide, toothy grin.
o.o.o.o.o.o
"No, absolutely not! I refuse to be manipulated into some harebrained scheme to get us some needless extravagance!"
"Claude, Claude, Claude," Hades puts an arm around the judge's padded shoulders, "just think how good those reruns of Baywatch will look on a glorious 80 inch high-definition screen!"
After a brief moment of agonising internal conflict, Frollo reluctantly turns to the pair, "Don't make me regret this."
o.o.o.o.o.o.o
"I throughly regret having ever partaken in one of your ridiculous schemes!"
A sopping wet Frollo slams the living room door open, drips of water from his robe punctuating the silence as his fellow Villains turn to stare at him.
"Claude, what the hell happened to you?" Hook inquired, folding his copy of the Toontown Chronicle.
"It was the Mouse's damned dog!"
"Funny, I always saw Goofy as the peaceful sort," Yzma mocks.
The vein in Frollo's forehead pops out, and for a second the group worry that the judge wishes to join the TV in exploding. "First of all, I arrive at the company reception, where the receptionist witch tries to seduce me-" snickers from some of the other Villains, "before I'm made to sit in the waiting area for three and a half hours, in which time I was screened no less than seven times for concealed weapons or potions. When I finally got called in to see the Mouse, his rabid excuse for a dog Pluto leapt at me before I could even open my mouth, grabbed my chaperon straight off my head and proceeded to chase me straight into the moat! Why in God's name are the offices housed in a castle anyway?!"
Panting heavily, he is met with silence.
"So... no 80 inch TV, then?"
"SHUT UP, HANS!"
o.o.o.o.o.o.o
"Right, so collectively we've amassed $58.38, and an expired discount card for ordering pizza online worth $15." Gothel announces, having finished counting the money for the third time.
"I guess that's the 80 inch screen ruled out then." Queen Grimhilde sulks.
"We'd be lucky if we got an 8 inch screen with that money..." Jafar mutters mutinously.
Cruella tuts, "We're villains, can't we just steal one or something?"
Casting a sardonic eye towards the black-and-white-clad woman, Facilier drawls, "Since we're still trying to get the cops off our back after the Mim incident, I'd say theft is a no-go at the moment,"
"Has anyone tried conjuring one?"
"I would appear that magic and technology don't mix particularly well," Ursula points to the space on her forehead within which her eyebrows formerly resided.
"We've got to have more money than this!" Hook says, despairingly, "Are you sure you asked everyone?"
Gothel rolls her eyes, "Well, everyone I could. Scar says he left his wallet in his other pants and Maleficent hasn't left her room since yesterday."
"This is terrible!" Grimhilde moans, "How am I going to keep up with Toontown's Next Top Model now?"
"Oh, stop being so melodramatic, it's only been a day since the TV broke!"
"Well," Jafar sighs, "the black market is our only choice now. Unfortunately."
"And that's not gonna attract the cops?" Facilier exclaims, eyebrows raised.
Hook puts an arm around Facilier, "Come on, Facilier, we're Villains! Scoundrels! It's in our blood! Since when do we care about getting on the wrong side of the law?"
"Hook, you cried for half an hour and sulked for three days when the cops turned up saying that they'd towed your ship away because it was illegally docked."
"Those buffoons had no right!"
"Anyway," Jafar groans, "getting back on topic. I shall pay Honest John a visit and obtain a new television. Agreed?"
"Wait wait wait, hold on a sec there, Jafar. How do we know this one isn't going to be as crappy as the old one?" Hades asks.
Jafar smirks confidently, gesturing to his staff, "I have my means of persuasion..."
o.o.o.o.o.o.o
"What was that you were saying about your 'means of persuasion', Jaffy?" Hades inquires that evening as a small group of Villains gather to watch the newly-acquired television.
Jafar's eye twitches as he turns his attention back to said television, which in actual fact was their old one, taped and glued back together and by some miracle working again.
"Turns out that Honest John sources 85% of his products from garbage, quite literally. He apparently saw our television lying in the road and thought he could find a loving home for it. He even gave me $10 off just for the sheer enjoyment he received from this cruel irony."
The mood is dangerously calm that evening as they tune into the news, screen flickering with static.
Having developed a headache from the poor quality screen, Jafar departs for his bedroom shortly after this exchange. Trudging up the stairs, he pauses as he hears multiple voices emanating from Maleficent's room. Curiosity getting the better of him, he presses his ear to the door, 'Wait a minute, that sounds like-'
He opens the door suddenly, catching the room's occupant off guard. Maleficent pauses the episode of Game of Thrones that graces the large television mounted on her wall, calmly turning to Jafar, "Yes?"
"B-but you don't-" Jafar babbles, agape.
"I don't what?"
"You don't watch television! All the drama we've been through putting up with the knockoff one downstairs, and you didn't think to tell us about this!"
She smirks wickedly, "You're right, I don't watch television. I watch Netflix on it."