A/N: Inspiration was "Amazing" by Blue October. Listen to it on Youtube. It is a haunting and desperate song.
For the last week, I had lain awake in bed, night after night, willing sleep to come. It never happened though. Sleep would have been an easy escape though, and one I didn't deserve. Instead, I was permanently alert, pondering the vast crime I had committed and drinking in the form of the woman I loved. The woman I didn't deserve.
Our room was dark except for the small beam of light that was cast through the window by the moon. I watched Bella's chest rise and fall with her deep breathing, so peaceful in her sleep. She was quiet, seemingly un-dreaming as she rested beside me.
My hand moved from my side as we lay there, facing each other. Fingers trembling, I traced her delicate features with a feather light touch; her lips, nose, chin, down her arm and across her waist. All of these things made up Bella, my wife, my world, my love. All of these things were what had drawn me to her, captured me, and made me hers. I closed my eyes as my fingers scratched lightly against her skin and I remembered the light shining in her eyes when she looked at me. I twisted the dark chocolate strands of her hair between fingers for a while, losing myself in them. If I focused on her, my brain would stop racing and I could be numb for a little while.
But like I said, I didn't deserve her, not anymore. Nor was it allowable for me to have even one moment of relief when I had thrown everything away so willingly. Stupid wasn't an apt enough description for me, for my actions. There weren't strong enough words to describe it. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, trying to find relief or some way to fix everything. Maybe a way to undo the harm I had inflicted onto Bella, myself, our life together.
The darkness held no answers for me.
I didn't deserve her anymore, wasn't the amazing man she thought I was. I had thrown everything I needed, lived for, away. Thinking back on my actions, I was consumed with self-hatred and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. If I cared for her as much as I once believed, I would have never hurt her this way. And yet, she remained blind to my infidelity, sleeping happily next to me, not a care in the whole world.
I closed my eyes once more as my memories flooded my senses, haunting me. Seven fateful nights ago, I was drunk in a bar downtown, wallowing in self-pity. Bella was away for work, had been for a month. We didn't know when she was coming home and I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I had come to this bar after getting off of work with the intent of having a few beers to loosen up and then go home. The smoky atmosphere lured me in though and before I knew what had happened, I had spent entirely too much money and the room was spinning around me in a sickening dance. It was pathetic. I just loved her too much to survive this long without her. With no certainty about when I would see her again, I felt like crying. Like I said, I was pathetic. Grown men weren't supposed to act like this or be this weak.
I sat at the dingy bar on a cracked vinyl stool, thoroughly sloshed, when red tipped fingers grasped onto my shoulder. My reaction was slow as my head turned to see who the hand belonged to. I felt my eyes widen slightly when I recognized the dull brown hair and eyes of the girl who was smiling at me grossly. Just who I wanted to see! A lesser version of the woman I loved and longed for, Jessica. Even when I thought her name it came out in a sneer. I had very briefly dated Jessica, before I knew Bella. It was really only something to do and since I had no one else, I figured I should have pity on the girl who was practically stalking me. It didn't last long but she never understood that. Jessica threw herself at me every chance she got, even though she knew I was more than happily married to Bella.
"Edward," she said brightly. "I can't believe I stumbled upon you here! Where's Bella? I haven't seen her in ages!"
I felt myself sobering up a little and motioned to the bartender for a refill. I would need it if I was going to have to put up with this bullshit. Jessica didn't care about where Bella was anymore than she did the dirt on the ground. I turned my head back to face Jessica and fought not to roll my eyes at the fake ass smile on her face.
"Bella is away for work right now," I told her in a cool voice. My words were surprisingly clear, considering my intake of alcohol this evening.
"Oh what a shame," she said, continuing on in her fake fashion. "Do you mind if I sit here with you? It has been too long and you and I need to catch up." Jessica's smile was so big it looked like it hurt and was probably due to the fact that she couldn't believe her luck tonight. I was exactly the prey she wanted to find; alone, drunk, depressed, and an easy target.
"Sure, why not." My tone was now sarcastic but she didn't seem to notice.
When the bartender gave me my refreshed Crown and Coke, Jessica smiled at him and asked for a Cosmo. I took a large gulp of the sweetened whiskey, set my glass down, and focused intently on a knot in the wood of the bar top.
Jessica's unfailing gaze was back on me and she leaned towards me ever so slightly. I shuddered a little internally and wondered why I had agreed to let her sit here with me. I just wanted to dig up thoughts of Bella and be alone.
"How has work been?" She said casually as if we were old friends meeting for a drink. But we weren't friends and I didn't want to be with her.
"Same old shit. Just a means to an end." Though I knew Jessica was looking at me, I focused on my glass, spinning my ice around with my fingertip.
"I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish you were happy. Are you still doing your art though?" I'm so sure she was sorry, but not for the reasons she was talking about.
"Yeah I do it in my spare time, which has been a lot lately. Bella has been gone for a while and the art is all that is keeping me from losing my sanity." Why was I telling her this? My finger continued to push around the contents of my glass as she thanked the bartender.
"That's awful, Edward. You shouldn't have to be alone like that." Her voice had dropped now and she had moved even closer to me, spinning her web to catch me, the prey.
"It's not so bad. She'll be home soon and then everything will be great." I was trying to back pedal, erase the image of my depression from Jessica's mind.
"You don't have to be brave for me you know? I don't mind being a shoulder for you to lean on." I could see her smiling from the corner of my eye, batting her eyes at me.
"I'm not being brave, Jessica." My teeth were gritted as I spoke and I should have just walked away then. I took my finger from my glass, dried it on the napkin, and then downed another large swig of my savior. Maybe if I drank enough, Jessica would be tolerable. I supposed then that it was better than being alone. I was ever so wrong though.
"Alright, I don't want to push," she conceded as she moved away just a little bit. Maybe she was taking a hint this time. But no, I wasn't that lucky. "Well, my work has been great! I just love working at the record label. I have met so many famous people and all of my friends are jealous." I tuned her out as she continued to gush about how many people she knew and how much money she was making. She was so superficial I could have laughed if I cared enough.
I was back to twirling my drink as she wound down from her speech. I was sure she gave the same talk to anyone she was just meeting, trying to impress people with her high school mentality. "Maybe I can introduce you to a few people, your favorites." Her bribes were a feeble attempt to lure me in.
Something about my stoic expression and silence gave Jessica the impression that our chance meeting was going well. When I went to dab my finger on my drink napkin again, she grabbed my hand before the finger in question could make contact with the absorbent paper. I stiffened but my reaction time and mind were so slow at this point, I didn't have a chance to stop her.
Before I knew what had happened, Jessica was sucking the tip of my finger between two very red lips and then releasing it with a pop and a smile. It had been so long since I had held Bella that my cock twitched involuntarily in my pants. I was in deep shit if my body was going to betray me like this. My vision was blurring and although I knew this was Jessica, my mind saw what it wanted. It saw Bella. The brown hair that hung down her back and the small frame that fit into my hands so easily. I needed Bella so bad and she wasn't here.
I don't remember a whole lot after the finger sucking. Just glimpses, pictures and noises. To explain just how desperate and gross Jessica is, we never even left the bar. We locked ourselves in the dingy bathroom at the back of the bar. I remember kissing her, and it tasting like cigarettes. Not like Bella. I shied away from doing that for the rest of our encounter. I can hear her panting my name, even though I tried, so very hard, to block that shit out.
Her breasts were too firm under my hands, not yielding and welcoming like Bella's. I pushed Jessica up against the wall and threw up her skirt. Big shocker here, but she wasn't wearing anything under it. Like I said, desperate and gross. Honestly, at this point, most people would be asking themselves "What the fuck am I doing?" Not me. I just kept right on going, screwing up the life I loved. Screwing over the woman I claimed to love.
I have flashes of thrusting into her, something I wish I could forget. She was up against the wall, legs wrapped around me, and I had my head leaned down and turned away from her. Jessica's perfume was sickening. I basically used her for a release. Such a good reason to throw away your marriage, don't you think? I am pretty sure my hand would have worked just fine if I had just gone home.
Jessica was, shall I say, well used. It wasn't good, at all. Thank God I had a condom on. Mind you, it came from her, but it was better than nothing.
The only other thing I remember is buttoning my pants back up and her being pissed. Jessica wanted to get off, too. Not my problem, bitch. I shouldn't have even let her touch me from the get go. I was weak, drunk, and stupid. I wanted to hate Jessica so much for this, put the blame on her. But I couldn't. It was all me. I was the one who betrayed my love, my life.
So here I lay, next to Bella, not feeling worthy of even her presence. I know that my actions have sold and destroyed everything we had together, our history and future.
Being around here during the day is almost unbearable. I just want her to forgive me and tell me she still loves me. I don't know how to handle myself around her and so I keep myself busy and away. The more I avoid, the more concern I can see, radiating from her eyes and it is all I can do not to throw up. I am so disgusted with myself.
Staring at Bella in the dark, I feel saltwater spill out of my eyes and run sideways down my face. My shoulders shake slightly with the strain of containing my despair. I choke out a whisper through my noiseless sobs, "I'm so sorry, Baby, so sorry. Please, please forgive me."
My eyes close because I can't bear to look at her anymore, to be reminded of what I have done. It feels like my chest is in a vice with the uprising panic that is overwhelming me. All I want is to worship her, love her, and I can't. We haven't made love since her return home and I know she is hurt and confused by it.
Honestly, I feel as if I don't belong to her anymore and that I have no right to want her, let alone have her. I would simply be pretending to be the man she thinks I am and the man she deserves.
My distress has become louder than before and Bella stirs in her sleep, half opening sleepy eyes to take me in. The only light in the room is from behind me and so my face is hidden by the dark.
"Edward?" she quietly rasps.
I swallow thickly and try to compose myself. "Sorry I woke you," I whisper. "Go back to sleep."
She scoots closer and snuggles to my chest, causing me to reluctantly wrap my arm around her waist. Bella's head is tucked up beneath my chin and she lightly kisses me chest. I cringe slightly because I know how unworthy I am.
Her lips trail up my neck and over my jawline. I am faced with a dilemma. Should I turn away from her, discourage her, or should I give in, allowing what she wants? How can I possible deny what she wants from me when I have wronged her in such a desperate display of dishonesty?
So I'll pretend I'm amazing while she unknowingly does the same.
A/N: Let me know what you think! I know it was sad and definitely not what you expect out of Edward. But when inspiration hits, what can you do?