Until You Lose What You Have Won:
Author's note: I have been working on this story for a really long time now, and finally I am satisfied and ready to post. It started off just because I had a few ideas and quotes relating the married Lily and James that Ineeded to jolt down somewhere. But it actually took shape, and now I have a story planned and half-written.
This is not a fluffy perfect Lily/James love story. I don't make their lives heaven, they are in trouble and will end up dying... SoI'm trying to be realistic.There is (I hope) a balance between happy moments and sad moments.And also somefocuson the breaking of the Marauders as friends.
Please comment!
Disclaimer: Any characters, places and events that take place in the Harry Potter series belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros and Scholatic, I do not claim them and I thank JKR for allowing me to use her ideas. Characters, places and events that are not in the HP series belong to me, so please ask if you'd like to borrow them.
Chapter 1- Strengths and Weaknesses:
Lily sat in the grass, tears falling gently down her cheeks. All her choices, all the things she'd endured... Had she been wrong? What was the point of all this? It no longer mattered, nothing mattered anymore. She felt her baby move inside her, she pressed her hand on her belly, tears streaming from her eyes. She felt rather then saw James appear behind her.
She shook her head desperately, wanting to be left alone. Buthe sat next to her, slowly running his fingers through her hair.
"There's no point." He muttered staring ahead; his fingers still on Lily's hair
"No point?" She asked, fixing him with a perplexed look. James finally turned to stare at her, he shook his head and wiped the tears from her face, before turninghis face awayonce more.
Lily frowned. Of course. This was James, after all,the man who never cried, who never showed any sign of weakness. He could be facing Lord Voldemort at the age of seventeen, surrounded by a dozen death eaters, enduring taunts about the murder of his family but he'd still keep his head up high. Why would James despair about the prophecy? She found herself growing angry, angry at his cool; angry at his decision not to so much as voice a single worry about the news they had just been given.
"Of course, James," she said derisively, her voice uneven, "Let me guess. There's not point in me crying, is there? No point in being scared! Just be like James, expecting to brave your way through it –" She paused mid-sentence at the look on James' face, she had been expecting to see him look determined, sad, angry, she would expect to see James look anything but... weak.
"You think I'm never scared?" He asked quietly.
"I –" Lily began, not knowing what to say, "James, you are always so...so strong" she finished lamely.
James snorted ."Well, I'm glad I'm convincing"
"Oh come off it!" Lily snapped. "Are you honestly trying to tell me that you are weak?"
He smiled sadly. "Are you weak?"
Lily stared. This conversation had taken a surprising turn.
James let out a hollow laugh. "See? Weakness has nothing to do with it."
"People who are weak get scared." Lily muttered.
"People who love get scared," he corrected, "We are always going to be vulnerable targets, Lily, because we care, we can't let them see through us, we can't let them know how much we care."
"I can't hold things in like you can."
"It's not like that, Lily -" James said getting closer to her.
She drew back. "You risk your life every day! You always face it like there is nothing holding you back!"
"Of course there is something holding me back! There will always be something holding me back."
" Yeah? Like what?"
He looke incredulous now. "You! Our baby! My friends!"
" I'm just a Mudblood who didn't deserve you! And they were right in the end, weren't they?"
James stared at her in disbelief. "Who are you? You – Lily!" He backed away from her.
Lily didn't answer. The seriousness of what she had said was starting to sink in. " I just – I wanted to be with you..." She said more to herself then to him.
"And there was me thinking that'd be enough." James said bitterly.
"Oh come on, James! You know I didn't mean it." She reached out to him, but he winced and moved further away from her.
For a minute there was silence – and then.
"I don't know what to do!" James burst out desperately.
Lily felt her insides squirm unpleasantly. She had grown up with James, the popular boy, always self-assured, always determinedly asking her out, convinced that she'd one day say yes. She'd watched him face Voldemort three times. She had seen him tragically lose his family... and always, always James had been strong and proud, refusing to give in, resisting. And yet here he was, small and feeble. It was only as she once again attempted to move closer that she realised he was shaking.
"Oh James!" She said softly, pulling him toward her. James showed no resistance. He collapsed onto her, laying his head on her lap and placing on hand on her belly, he kissed it gently.
"We need to start looking at baby names." He muttered as Lily tenderly ran her fingers through his hair.