Note: This is about one of Dean's memories, (mentioned in season 2, No Exit).
Dad's job was hard. Dean knew that. They moved a lot, and that was okay with Dean. It was hard, new schools, with new teachers and new kids. But Dean knew Dad had to go. Dad helped people, and sometimes he and Sam had to share their Dad. Dad was brave and fought monsters, so Dean was brave too. Some times Dad would leave, never for really long, a few hours, five or six at the most, and Dean would stay with Sammy. Dean missed his Dad, but someone had to be in charge of Sammy. Sometimes if Dad knew he was going to be gone longer, he would make them stay with someone, Pastor Jim, or Uncle Bobby, and then they were in charge. But always Dean looked out for Sammy. That was his job; Dad had said.
Always though, when Dad came home, he was tired. Sometimes he was sad. Dean would always try to help. He would try to put Sammy to bed; make sure things were put away and he would tell his Dad it was going to be alright. It would have been easier for Dean if Sammy knew why his Dad had to leave, and why Dad was so tired. But Dad said Sammy was too little to understand.
So when Dad picked them up at Pastor Jim's that afternoon, he was tired and mad. He had a cut on his face and chest and Pastor Jim gave Dad stitches. Dean quickly packed his and Sammy's things. He dragged Sammy to the car to put him in the car seat that was getting to small. Sam was chewing on his fingers because Dad wasn't there, and Dad didn't like Sam putting his hands in his mouth.
"Stop that Sammy," Dean told him. He knew that when Dad was done talking to Pastor Jim they would be going back to the house in Indiana. That was a long way away. Dad would be mad if he saw Sammy chewing on his fingers.
Dean was right. When Dad got in the Impala, he asked, and he was right. They would go to back to Indiana. Not right away. They would drive for awhile and stop. Dean liked driving. There was stuff to see and he and Dad played loud music when he was happy. Sometimes Dad would sing along. Sammy didn't like driving, sometimes Dad would tell Dean to sit in the back and talk to Sammy. Lots of times Sammy would sleep when they were driving. That was good. Dad and Dean had important talks when Sammy was sleeping. Sammy was too little to hear the talks; he is only three. Dean is seven and a half.
Dad didn't talk much after Dean asked where they were going. Sammy fell asleep. Dad's eyes were red, and he was doing the thing with his lips that he did when he came home sad. Dean looked in his new book from Pastor Jim and Dad turned on the music, but really quiet and he didn't sing along.
They stopped for the night in a motel. It had two beds and they had dark blue bedspreads. Dad had bought burgers before they stopped, but he said that they had to wait until they got to the motel. Dean figured it was good that Sammy was asleep. Sometimes Sammy didn't really understand that he had to wait. They ate their supper, well Dean did any how. Sammy decided he didn't want his. That made Dad mad. Dad told him he would be hungry and Sammy cried. Dad said he had to go to bed now. And he said it in his mean voice, so he was serious. Sammy was little, sometimes he didn't understand the mean voice, Dean thought.
Dean helped put Sammy's PJ's on, after Dad got them from the trunk. Then he put his own on. He helped Sammy brush his teeth too, and he brushed his own. Sammy was still mad at Dad, Dean told Sammy what he always did, "Dad can't be nice all the time Sammy."
Sammy didn't understand how to tell that Dad was tired. For that matter, Sammy didn't understand how to tell when Sammy was tired. Even though Dean tried to tell him, Sammy was just too little.
Sammy got in bed, glaring at Dad. Dad wasn't even looking at Sammy. He was looking in his book. The book he wrote about monsters in, the one he and Sam weren't allowed to touch. Dean and Sammy looked through Dean's new book until Sammy closed his eyes and fell asleep.
Dad was still at the table with his book drinking adult drinks. Dean didn't really understand what made them adult drinks, but he knew he wasn't allowed to touch them either. Dad was allowed, so were Uncle Bobby, and Pastor Jim, even though Pastor Jim didn't like drink them as much as Dad and Uncle Bobby. Dean knew that drinking them made you feel funny, Dad had told him that. And he knew they helped you sleep, Dean knew sometimes when you are sad you need help going to sleep, like how Sammy needs his stuffed bear, or Dean needs Sammy.
Dean went over to Dad and put his head on his shoulder. He could smell smoke and deodorant and earth. Mommy used to smell good, Dean could barely remember, but on Sunday at church with Pastor Jim, there was a lady named Monica, she had long blond hair like Mommy's, and Pastor Jim had made Dean and Sammy sit with her. She smelled like he remembered his Mom. Warm and like flowers, maybe. Dean tried not to think of Mommy, because it made knots in his throat and stomach, and he couldn't talk.
Dad put one arm around his back, and rubbed his beard with the other hand. His eyes were really red.
"Does it hurt?" Dean asked.
"What hurt?" Dad's voice sounded funny.
"Where Pastor Jim had to sew it together," Dean pointed to Dad's chest where he knew the bandage was, even though it was covered by the shirt.
"Nah," Dad said.
"Sammy won't be mad tomorrow."
"I know."
Sometimes when Sammy was asleep, Dad and Dean would talk about things, like what Dad was fixing on the Impala, or school, or guns. Dad taught him about cleaning guns, and that they were very dangerous and that was another thing he and Sammy were never allowed to touch. But Dean knew how they worked because Dad showed him.
Sometimes, Dad and Dean would play cards, and back at the house in Indiana, Dean had a Memory Game that he won at school. But tonight Dean knew that probably wouldn't happen.
"I'm still hungry," Dean said. He was always hungry lately. Dad had told him it was because he was growing. Sometimes Dean's legs would hurt, and when it hurt really bad, Dean would tell Dad and he would rub cool stuff from the first aid kit on Dean's legs. Dad told him it was because his legs were growing, Dean was glad Dad knew stuff like that.
Dad looked over at Sammy, who was still asleep and then at his watch. "You can have what your brother didn't want."
Dad took out his knife and cut Sam's burger in half. "Then you have to sleep too."
Dean didn't really want to go to bed, he was going to tell his Dad that, but he decided not to and ate his burger instead. Then he got in bed with Sammy. Dad didn't go to bed, not for a long time. Dean woke up and saw his Dad walk across the room, stumbling, and then the room went dark.
Dean was right again. Sam wasn't mad when he woke up. It was early when he woke up though, even Dean was tired. But Sammy was saying his name, over and over, so Dean got up.
"Breakfast?" Sammy wanted to know.
Dad was still asleep, Dean could wake him up, but maybe he shouldn't. But Sammy was hungry and so was Dean. Dean remembered that Pastor Jim had given him a granola bar the other day, actually he had given both he and Sammy two, but Dean had saved one, because they were the chocolate kind and they were his favourite. Dean gave Sam his bar, which was still in his jacket pocket and told Sam they could colour for a while, just till Dad was awake. Dad woke up an hour later, his eyes were still really red and he took a pain killer from the first aid kit in his bag.
Sammy told Dad he was hungry, and Dean did too. Dad told Dean to get a bath and take Sammy with him. When Sammy and Dean were dressed Dad took them to a restaurant, and Dean got bacon and eggs and toast. Dad let Sammy have pancakes, which Dean thought was a mistake because Sammy got very covered in the syrup and Dad had to wash him off. Dad had coffee, another adult drink that helped you stay awake, and made Dad's eyes less red. After that they got in the Impala and drove toward Indiana, with both Sammy and Dean in the back of the car playing.
At lunch time Dad stopped the car and they got sandwiches and cokes from the gas station, and Dad let them play tag around the picnic tables that were there, while he read the newspaper. Sam got mad when Dean wins again, and Dean got mad that Sam punched him, Dad got mad and tells them it is time to go.
Dad told Dean to sit up front, and then he put Sammy in his car seat and found the colouring book and a red and blue crayon for him. That didn't really matter because Sammy fell asleep a little after the car started moving.
Dean and Dad talked, not about important stuff. Dad asked Dean about school, and Dean asked Dad what the different cars they passed were. Dad had the music on and he was tapping his hands on the steering wheel, when he turned and pulled off onto a woods road. They drove until they came to a clearing, there was nobody around. Dad stopped the car and got out, and Dean didn't understand. But he waited as Dad looked in the truck and Sam woke up. Sammy rubbed his eyes and looks around for Dad and looked at Dean for answers. Dad shut the trunk and came back and opened Dean's door.
"You want to learn how to shoot?"
Dean nods slowly.
"All right," Dad says. He has the Coke cans from lunch in his hands and he and Dean walk to the fence at the edge of the clearing and Dad balances the cans on the fence posts in different places. Sammy is still in his car seat the doors of the Impala open wide.
Dean is excited. Dad shows him the gun. Dean knows about the safety and putting the bullets in. But Dad tells him again twice, in his slow voice.
"Make sure you look at the can when you pull the trigger. Don't close your eyes Dean," Dad is standing behind Dean showing him how to hold it and where.
"It is going to kick back a little, okay?"
"Okay," Dean tries really hard to concentrate. Dad gets Sam and holds him in his arms while he watches Dean load the bullets. Dad tells Sammy there is going to be a really loud noise and he needs to cover his ears.
Dean pulls the trigger and hits the first can, then the second one and the third. All three knocked backwards off the fence.
"Watch Sam," Dad takes the gun from Dean. Dean even remembered to put the safety on himself. Dad looks for the cans while Dean and Sammy wait and when he comes back, Dean can see him grinning from where he is sitting by the car.
"All three Deano, all three!"
Dad is excited, Dean can tell. More than that, he is proud. Like the day Sam started talking, or the day that Dean got every word on his spelling test right. Dad's eyes aren't red anymore; they are crunched together, and shining, like Dean did something really important. Even Sammy is excited, though Dean knows he doesn't understand. Dad shows Dean the holes in the cans.
"Want to try again?"
Dean does and he hits them all again. Dad is really happy. After they get in the car and Dad turns the music on loud and sings along.