I guess this just hit me all of a sudden one day like a ton of emus…anyway, I need someone to go ahead and do the disclaimer….HEY TENALKI!
Tenalki: Huh?
Do the disclaimer for me, please. *Poorly imitated chibi eyes are batted at him*
Tenalki: Ow! Those things hit my face that kinda hurt, but anyway SSH doesn't own any of DBZ or any other shows involved in this particular fic.
Thanks, and on with the fic!
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A slam echoed throughout the crumbling house as a young man sat at a make shift desk. At it he started to write down the feelings he had in a letter of sorts, and this is what could be found in it:
To whomever may read this:
Please don't think less of me, but I can't handle it anymore. I've tried and I need to tell you something before I go, I'm so sorry.
It's so hard to keep up the lies I lead, and I don't think I can do it anymore, it's too damn hard. All these people think I'm just so careless and free, and probably self-centered; but that's their opinion and it's true. I do talk and think about myself more than others, I don't try to change, I just say I am and then I don't. Or if I do it's only for a day or a week, not very long.
I'm only hurting them and using them to help me in some way, it's this continuous cycle that I can't break. That's the reason why people are leaving me, and I'm stupid enough to believe myself when I say it's not my fault. I keep hiding the truth under the piles of lies to keep myself feeling good. I keep telling myself that it's not my fault that he died, it was his, I wasn't to blame; but the fact is that I lie and everything else to get attention and sympathy. Sometimes I wonder what is true and what's not; I just get lost in all the damn lies I've told.
I want to change, or tell myself I want to change, but if I really wanted to change I would. This war rages inside of me daily, but no one sees it. I try to hide it, try to break it, try to lose it, try to lie about it, all in attempt to escape it. Never do I want to face this directly, but daily it brings up the lies and deceit, my failures. I scream and cry and bleed all wanting the pain to go away; but nothing works, nothing helps. This pain gnaws at my soul; all I want is for it to go away. But that won't happen, not even if I die, it will only be worse. The thought of death has crossed my mind, almost have I acted on it. Running away has seemed like an option at times. I would make the lives of others better if I was gone. Yet again I'm afraid, so I never acted on that.
Eternal damnation scares me, and I don't want that, but I'm probably going to get it anyway. So why am I so afraid? Is it the few seconds of consciousness before death or the eternal hell I'll face when I do die? I know that he left somewhat of his own free will and that he wanted to get away from me and my deceit. Also because I take what I can and not think of how it hurts another person.
I should start to cut the ties that bind me here. I need to start growing distant from the people I believe are close to me, so that I no longer have to hurt them. I need more time alone anyway; what will happen I don't know, but at least people I love will no longer be hurt by me. Every time I think of my life I know I'm a failure. Now instead of being less self-centered I've become more, if that's even possible. I lie more often and lie to myself more, among the countless other people. I can stop it, but I don't. I keep running from this nameless, faceless emptiness that always threatens to consume me and plunge me into the darkness know as my soul. How can I be salvaged if I don't even know how to save myself?
I'm getting too tired of the deceit that I tell daily, I'm so far in that I can't see out. What can I do? I need help, but I don't wan to ask for it; I don't need even more people to talk and spread rumors behind my back. What is it with me? I just wallow in my own self pity and try to be better than everyone in my whole so-called "circle" of friends. I know they can't stand me, but they hang around me anyway. They shouldn't, but they do; maybe they just stay because they hope and silently pled that I will change, but they should know by now that this is the way I am and I can't change like they want me to.
What is it with me and my stupidity that won't let me tell others how I really fell and that I can't tear down the wall that surrounds me but allow others to come in. Sometimes it seems that I'm puling people into my web of deceit and as soon as they're in they struggle like hell to get out and get away; but they don't know how and therefore they can't. What is this nameless "it" that I fear and struggle with daily to escape? What makes me not wanted by anyone?
Why do I put on a different personality each time I meet someone; can I not just show the real me? No, I can't, I know the answer because I once shared the true me and got burned bad. The real me was too self-centered I was told, and yes it's true, but it was a real shock to me that this person that I gave myself to absolutely couldn't stand me as I really was, it hurt so goddamned much.
I want to cry, but I can't for I have no more tears left; I wasted all of them on petty things. There's nothing left for me here, so why do I stay? Is it so that I can further mask the illusion that there are people that care for me? I guess it is because there are no other reasons I can think of. Now death seems the only escape from the suffocations of life; the pressure is too much I can't keep my pretenses up much longer, I'm losing my grip on reality and sanity. I can't do this much longer, this life has lost all meaning. There's nothing here that keeps me interested in anything. God, I'm so damned confused. I wish I could see through this cloud of haze, but I can't seem to. The process of death is taking too long, I can't wait much longer, it hurts too goddamn much.
I would give anything for this pain to go away. God, why am I so screwed up? Too many people that I've pulled into this web I've created for myself to get people to like me. But when I finally feel it's safe to show the real me, I make people hate me because I'm too damned self-centered. This pain is becoming too much for me, it bears down on me every day, getting heavier with each passing moment.
What is my problem? Can I not for once think of someone besides myself for one freakin' minute? Or is my selfishness telling me that I can't and 'I've thought of others for so long and now it's my turn?' If it's that I laugh, because I've thought of no one but myself. This is the reason that everyone would rather be with someone else that me, I can see that now I have my blinders off. God, I was so naïve, sometimes I'm amazed by my own stupidity. I'm so scared that my pretenses are just going to come crashing down around me one day and I will lose everyone that I love because my lies are more trustworthy than that of my truth. I just don't know anymore, I don't know what to do; I feel so lost and I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to get better when everything is collapsing around me. But I guess this is it; I'll just see what happens.
I'm sorry it had to end this way but I have to leave, it's no longer safe for anyone to know me, please forgive me. I'm so sorry for doing this to all of you.
Sincerely,
The name became smudged as a petite water drop fell from the ceiling, but the young man never noticed for he had already folded the letter and stuffed it into an envelope. Slowly he sealed the sachet as his future actions swirled in his mind along with those of his past mistakes. The only markings on the front of the letter were that of 'to whom it may concern'. With that he shook his head as he raced down the stairs, praying no one would be there to confront him.
The message was clutched in his worn hands tightly as he found the final resting place of this vital piece of paper. Gently he laid the letter on the counter propped up against the toaster in plain view. After securing the letter he then proceeded to the back door where he opened it for the final time and stared back at his familiar surroundings taking it all in for the last moment he was there, for he would never see it again, and then stepped out into the thrashing rain gently closing the door on everything that he knew forever.
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So how did y'all like it? Please review and tell me who it makes you think of. It was a crappy one-shot fic that wouldn't go away until I wrote it and posted it I-
Father: *roar* GET OFF THE COMPUTER!! *roar*
Eeeeehhhh….please go and review and tell me what you think of it, I must go now because I have to.