It had all been a matter of time before Draco Malfoy would wake up with full body bindings in the passenger seat of Ferrari driven by Bellatrix Lestrange, but he was still shocked.

"What the fluff?" he screamed.

"Oh, you're alive," said Bellatrix sarcastically. "Guten tag, Draco."

"Where are we going?" asked Draco wearily.

"Road trip," said Bellatrix, turning up the volume on the radio. "There's a mother/son food extravaganza going on, and I couldn't miss the opportunity of waffles."

"But I'm not your son!"

Bellatrix smiled evilly. "The Muggles don't know that."

Draco sighed. "Can you at least take off the bindings?"

"Shut up! I'm trying to drive!"

"About that…when did you learn how to drive?"

"Snape."

"!"

They drove for about ten minutes without speaking. It was then Draco realized that something was very wrong with the setting.

"Um, Aunt Bella?"

"That's Mom, emo!"

"Okay then…" said Draco. "Er, Mom? Why are we driving through the desert?"

"Oh, the extravaganza is in Texas," said Bellatrix casually. "But we must get there first!"

"Don't you think the people that actually live in Texas will get there before us?"

Bellatrix looked at him like he was mad. "What sort of screwy idea is that?"

Draco sighed and stared out of the window. "Does Mom know that I'm gone?"

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"I mean my real mom. You know…the one that was pregnant with me for nine months?"

"Idiot. I was pregnant for two months."

"What? That doesn't make any sense! I wouldn't be alive if that was true!"

"Of course my daughter isn't alive. That's why I'm taking you."

Draco decided to drop the subject and glanced at the cactus outside of his—

"STOP CALLIN', STOP CALLIN', I DON"T WANNA TALK ANYMORE!" sang Bellatrix. "I LEFT MY HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOR!"

"Did you steal Dad's Lady Gaga CDs again?" asked Draco.

"Only the Fame Monster."

"You really are nuts—"

"OOOOOO! We're here!" screamed Bellatrix, making a spot in the parking lot.

"TRAMP!" screamed a prostitute. "That's my customer's spot!"

"FLUFF YOU!" shouted Bellatrix, dragging Draco by the hand. "Come on, love. I smell…nachos!"

They ran into the crappy, somewhat crammed building, and Bellatrix gasped.

"You," she whispered menacingly.

Marge Dursley stared at her, also holding her nephew's hand and a bucket of popcorn chicken. "Hello, mad woman."

"How the fluff are you still alive?" demanded Bellatrix. "The last time I saw you, you got sucked into an engine and got ground up into a bloody mess!"

"Like you, I'm a witch," said Marge, showing her wand. "And my good friend helped me…TOMMY!"

Bellatrix screamed in horror as Lord Voldemort stepped out of the shadows.

"Hello, Bella," he said quickly. "This isn't what it looks like—"

"How could you?" sobbed Bellatrix, grabbing his leg. "I thought I was your mistress!"

"Not anymore!" cackled Marge.

"Well, this is weird," said Draco to Dudley.

"I know, right?" asked Dudley. "She does this every other week…"

"YOU WILL NOT HAVE SEXYMORT!" screamed Bellatrix, throwing her Pokéball. "Pikachu! THUNDERBOLT!"

"Dumpalog, dumpalog!"

"We need something more sophisticated!" cried Bellatrix. "More refined! So now, me go stabby-stabby!"

She threw her one and only favorite knife. It hit Marge— but she didn't die. Rather, she deflated.

"What the fluff?" screamed everyone but Marge, who laughed sadistically at her new Barbie body.

"Hasta lavista, baby!" shouted Marge, her Terminator eyes glowing. "I-mrawwww."

She jittered and fell to the floor, wires bursting out of her skull.

Draco stood triumphantly behind her, bowl of water in hand. "Technology," he said. "Go Apple! Dell, suck it!"

Bellatrix got her food and continued to be Voldemort's mistress.

Dudley joined a dude ranch.

Draco became the next Lady Gaga.

As for Aunt Marge, she was never seen again.