Title: What if you
Author: curse_of_avalon
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Jack, Sarah, Sam
Spoilers: Stargate (movie) ,Children of the gods
Word count: 1517
Summary: One sound is all it takes.
Author's notes: Critique appreciated!
Song from Joshua Radin – What if you.
Disclaimer: All characters, names etc. belong to SciFi channel. Not making money with this.
What if you,
Could wish me away?
What if you,
Spoke those words today?
BANG
One sound.
A loud crack splitting the air around them.
One sound.
His feet moving without him realizing, towards the smell of burnt gunpowder.
One sound.
His world ended the moment he ran into the bedroom, blood spattered on walls, door and bed.
One sound.
A rattling breath the only sign that your baby boy is still alive. One little shaky breath, eyes wide open in shock, arms limb in your embrace.
One sound.
Your screams mingle with hers as your precious boy's life light fades in his eyes.
One sound.
It was all it took to take your son away. One sound made your world end. One mistake. Yours.
I wonder if you'd miss me
When I'm gone?
It's come to this, release me
I'll leave before the dawn.
Everything had changed. Nothing could be taken back. It had ended before it had begun.
You realize now what your mother had meant, when you held her hand as she died and begged her to stay, as she said that no parent should live longer than their own child.
The hate in you grows each day that you sit in your sons room, the gun that had killed him clutched in your hand and thoughts of following him in your mind. Because what was there to live for now? Come home to? Your wife? The hatred in her eyes when she looks at you bigger than that in your own.
Nobody stops to tell you that it wasn't your fault at your precious' boys wake. Nobody says a word to you, nobody hugs you, nobody cares that you lost your son too. They pass in blurs of black, heads hanging and shaking.
There sits the man that killed his son.
Nobody hears you scream at night at his grave. Sounds of anguish torn from your chest as you kneel before the tombstone that shouldn't be there. You'd do everything to get your little baby boy back. You'd give your own life in exchange.
Your hands clawed at the wet ground, screams wracking your chest, intensifying the pain that's tearing at your heart.
But for tonight
I'll stay here with you.
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you.
If you let her go the memory of him will fade with her.
But you can't leave. Even if you know it'd be the best for both of you. You could die and she could finally move on.
Each day when you wake you promise yourself you'll go. You'll take the pain from her with you leaving. Because how can she live when she has to look at you each new day, realizing that next to her lies the man that killed her baby?
Each day you stay.
Because leaving her means leaving him finally, letting him go a little more.
But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do.
You can't cope. No matter how often she begs you to come out of his room, lay away the gun. You simply can't get out. In here it still smells like your son and when you close your eyes, just for a second you can imagine him standing in the doorway, asking you to play catch with him, and for a second you can believe it's real. But then the cold metal, the heavy weight of your service gun jolts you back.
'Jack? Please....come down. Please put the gun away. Don't do this to me again.'
You hated how she begged you. Hated that she was trying to forgive you. All you needed to finally go was her hate. Why wouldn't they just let you go?
I might not be leaving
Oh so soon.
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight.
But you always found an out, didn't you?
This time it wasn't any different. Just that you didn't find it, but it found you. One last mission, then it'd be over and the pain would fade with you. You would be with your boy.
The first and last time you sleep with your wife after what happened to your son. The last time she begs you to stay with her and not go. She knows you won't come back. She knows you'll do your damnedest to die. She couldn't stop you though. You left her in the middle of the night. One last kiss to her forehead, one last apology. Then you go, never to come back.
I could've treated you better
Better than this.
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter
Can't stay in one place.
But things don't always work out in your favor. You lived and for the first time in months you actually looked forward to drawing a new breath.
You would never forget your baby but you'd honor his memory for as long as fate decided to let you be. You'd make things better. You'd be there for his mom. Together you'd be able to deal. Never forget, but at least deal with the gaping whole your son left the day he found your gun. The day you ran into your own bedroom to find your boy with a cavity in his head, blood oozing out of him.
That being the only thing having made you fight. The thought of your wife needing you like these aliens needed you to fight for them. They lost their families to in a senseless act, but they went on because there were others that needed them.
Your wife still needed you.
But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do.
Sometimes you have to lose everything before you can realize how precious life really is. How important it is to fight for it, no matter what cruelties it presents to you. You had given up fighting and your wife had given you up. The last thing you have from her is the divorce papers, one single tear drop marring the paper next to her signature.
You had fought so hard to let her leave you be, let you go so you could go without turning back. She had heard you. She had given up on you to safe the rest that was left of her own life. And you don't have to wonder when it all went so bad.
BANG.
One sound.
Everything had changed. Your baby boy was dead. You held him when he drew his last breath, you held him still as the paramedic tried to pry him from your arms.
Your precious boy, his life seeping from him. Everything you had ever valued in life leaving with the life in his eyes as he blew out his last raspy breath.
"Jack?!"
You wake with a start, your skin feeling clammy from the cold sweat running over it.
"Jack...hey!"
Gentle arms enclose you in a warm embrace, soft skin rubbing against your rough planes, holding you tenderly, swaying you both.
"Nightmare again?"
"Charlie... . "
Her eyes soften as she strokes your cheek soothingly. Her eyes tear up a little, like they always do when you're in pain over your lost son.
You wipe the first tear that falls from her eyes and then lean in to kiss her softly, thank her with this gesture for the mutual pain over your child, that she had never met. But she understands, she knows the pain in you. She doesn't fight it, doesn't say it'll be better with time, because it will never be. But she cries with you, holds you.
You had to lose everything you loved to find her. And each night you wake from the painful memories and she holds you, you know that maybe the pain of losing your boy will never leave you. The gaping chasm will always be. But it will reside next to new memories. And that won't make it smaller, but it will make it bearable.
And each night the nightmare wakes you she stands up and retrieves your daughter, laying the girl between you two, your wife's arms and yours entwined over the little body, blanketing it securely.
And the last thing you see is blue eyes locking on yours and the last thing you hear is her whispered declaration of love.
Your boy is still gone. But you didn't give up, you fought and you know that is what Charlie would've wanted you to do. And you are quiet sure that Sam could've only been sent by an angel to you. Maybe, just maybe Charlie had send her to finally safe you from the abyss you had slowly fallen into.
"I love you Charlie."