Author's Note: Part One in "The Forever Series."

So That I Can Live

Buffy's living her life. I'm not.

I remember the way he stood when he'd been angry with me. How he'd attacked me to protect Buffy's honor. How we'd been comfortable talking about next to nothing, smoking a cigarette before Buffy came downstairs, hot under the collar about our closeness.

I remember the night before it all went down. That he left Buffy's arms for a few minutes. To talk. To me. And made me feel special. Better than Buffy. And something I'd never felt before came over me. Something I never let myself feel, that hit me in the chest. Poured over me like a bucket of ice-cold water. It's not like it was something I planned. It was something I thought I'd never say. To anyone. To myself, even.

I told him that I love him. It had just come out. I told him that I didn't exactly know where that'd come from, because it wasn't my kind of thing, telling someone I love them. Hell, I didn't even know him that long. And I told him that it was okay that he loved Buffy. That I needed to tell him, just in case. And, you know, it felt right.

So, it was an awkward moment, you know. I mean, the one thing he wanted to hear from Buffy comes out my mouth. And, let's face it; I'm no Buffy. And…the surprising thin? He kissed me and in that one moment, everything seemed alright and okay. There was no First. I had no past trouble. There was just him, me and our attached lips.

"Everybody out, now!" I had yelled the day of the battle. The cavern was collapsing and I searched desperately for a spot of platinum hair in the group passing me to get out. He had to get out. Because we had to see what that kiss meant. What it could lead to.

"Buffy!" He didn't exactly call out to me, but something made me turn to look. There he was. Pinned to a wall. Sunlight beaming down on him. The amulet doing its thing. He's never looked more handsome, beautiful, whatever, than in this moment. I knew he had something to tell me. What's more is that I knew what it was. And I was glad I knew.

Buffy ran over to him and they talked.

"Buffy, come on!" I knew it than. His time had come to an end. I backed to the top step in time to hear Buffy tell him she loved him and hear his reply.

"No, you don't. But thanks for saying it."

I had run out of there as fast as my legs would carry me and got on the bus as it tore off down the street. I kept turning back, hoping against hope to see Buffy and a blanketed figure run out the school, screaming for Wood to stop.

When the bus stopped and there was only Buffy, I knew. He was dead. Gone. Dust. He saved the world and not himself. Spike was dead. It hit me after the victorious feeling faded away, all the talk about finding slayers. I cried-not that sobbing, heart wrenching stuff-quiet tears that streaked my face. They went unnoticed, and that was fine with me.

I tried to move on, give Wood a chance. Thing was, he hated the man I still love, even more than I could love him. I understand Buffy's thing with Angel now. How no one could ever reach his place. It might have been quick, but I loved Spike. I still do. And Wood's gone because he got the hint.

Buffy-she'd living. Dating. Working. Laughing. Talking. Being normal.

Me…well, I'm just not. I'm alone. I'm not trying to do the normal girl thin Buffy's so fond of. I'm working on finding the slayers, hoping to God, or whoever plans these things, that his sacrifice was worth heaven. Or, if it wasn't, that he could be sent back to me. So that I can live.