The clock was ticking. The two mercenaries Engie and Pyro were sitting in an office. Little did their 6 other coworkers knew, that when they weren't fighting for RED Team and killing BLU Mercenaries, they were also gay fart pornstars. Actually, perhaps Spy knew but there was no way he'd have the balls to tell those idiots about their secret, fart fueled adventures.
The office itself was actually a small cubicle, with Engineer and Pyro sitting on two red chairs. Pyro was reading a newspaper while the Engineer was upgrading a body cam for later use, he was an Engineer after all.
"So Pyro, where are we gonna film our next shoot? Money's getting kinda dry, and we can't just keep killing BLUs forever, as much as being a mercenary keeps me as fit as a fiddle." The Engineer said with his deep, Texan accent.
"Hmmm..." Pyro hummed, his eyes scanning through the paper.
When suddenly, a miracle.
The article was short, but it had everything Pyro wanted to see. On it, appeared to be an animatronic bear standing on a stage, holding a microphone and looking directly at the camera.
"HELP WANTED!" Pyro read the title.
Pyro went silent, trying to explain in as few words as he could as to what he was reading.
"Hey Engie, have you ever heard of this place called Freddy Fazbear's Pizzaria?" He asked.
"Yeah, I heard 5 kids died there. Kinda fucked up how the place is still running, but I guess they had the money and the will. I mean I'm paid to kill people so who am I to judge?" Engie said.
"Well it seems they are looking for a new night guard, after the last guy went missing." Pyro explained.
"Yeah I always found that suspicious. I mean don't they have 'Do-Not-Say' contracts or whatever? I mean you don't have to kill the guy." The Engineer shrugged in confusion.
"Yeah..." Pyro nodded.
The Engineer began to think. Him and Pyro needed an idea for a fart fueled video in just five hours. And it needed to be big. They couldn't just film themselves at 2fort or Turbine, farting in each other's mouths when nobody was watching. Perhaps they could go for something more controversial and edgy.
"Ah-ha!" The Engineer stood up, raising both of his arms with a epiphany!
"We should film ourselves at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza! The shock value of two guys farting on each other's faces in a place where some guy died could bring in some controversy, and therefore, views!"
"But won't that mean the RED team will find out?" Pyro questioned.
"Nah, the only thing they care about is the newest way to kill BLUs! We'll be fine!" The Engineer took the body cam and strapped it onto himself. The 360 degree movement allowed for better angles so viewers could get a better experience, going to areas they've never gone before in a man's anus.
"C'mon pyro, we got some work to do!" The Engineer threw an extra body cam towards Pyro.
Engie and Pyro hopped into a red car, how original, and went to the pizzaria. Which wasn't that far from the office. One quick look around made it seem like that security was relatively low, which seemed unlikely given the many, many legal issues that Fazbear Entertainment has faced. Possibly meaning a shutdown was imminent. Time was of the essence. The two mercenaries walked in. After exchanging pleasantries with the man up front, they were told that a birthday was coming up, so no funny business. That meant everything had to be kid-friendly. But little did they know, that the two mercenaries had something much different planned...
Before sitting down at a table, Pyro stopped and looked up at 3 animatronics standing idly on stage. On the left was a purple rabbit, with a red bow tie, holding what seemed to be a red bass guitar. On the right was a yellow chicken holding a cupcake and wearing a white bib saying "LET'S EAT!" In bold, yellow text. And right at the middle was the star of the show, Freddy Fazbear himself. He was a brown bear, wearing a black top hat, black bow tie, and held a black microphone.
There was something so... off about these animatronics. Even though they were off, Pyro could feel their soulless eyes watching him. And Freddy smelled disgusting, like dried blood, urine, shit, vomit, and rotting flesh all mixed into one.
"Creepy as fuck." Pyro thought for a moment before walking back to their table. Where Engie apparently ordered one pizza for the both of them. Now, it wasn't exactly the best, but the two stars were too goddamn hungry to even care.
Pyro took a bite out of a slice of pizza, and then another. And another. And another. When suddenly he felt a little gassy. He jolted up from his chair as the Engineer was eating his own slice of pizza and rushed straight towards the men's restroom. Yet, all of the stalls were full. Pyro knew this was more than a fart, it felt like a nuke was about to be dropped in his stomach. He didn't know how much time he had.
Then Engie walked in.
"Pyro, what's the matter?" Engie asked.
"Engie! Thank god you're here! That pizza made me feel really gassy, but the stalls are all full! Can you help me out?" Pyro fell on his knees and pleaded his costar.
"Sure thing buddy!" Engie lead Pyro to a more... secure area in the bathroom, Pyro taking off his pants in the progress.
Engineer knelt down and put his face up in between Pyro's butt cheeks. And pyro just let loose.
PHHHHFFFFFFTTTTT!
"Oh baby yes!" Engie moaned in pleasure at the smell of Pyro's farts.
SSSSHHHHLLLLLLFFFFTTTT!
"OHHHHHHHHH YAAAAAAAS MORE GIVE ME MORE!" Engie yelled.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything." Suddenly, a mysterious man's voice called out from outside the bathroom.
Both Engie and Pyro looked towards the door. When in stepped a tall, older skinny man with dark eyes and black hair, wearing what appeared to be an employee outfit. However, his hat and shirt were purple instead of the usual baby blue.
"Ah, Engie and Pyro. I recognize you two." The purple man seemed delighted, giving off a smirk.
"Yup! Just doing a little bathroom scene!" Engie happily chuckled.
"Ah, yes those are my favorite. Great fap material, gets me hard every time. Especially when I'm taking the night shift... I am a fart fetishist like yourself. I must warn you however, you cannot stay for long..."
"Why not?" Pyro asked.
"Things... happen after closing time. Things that would likely scare you. Just... don't stay after 6. Got that?"
"Um... okay. Say, what time is it sir?"
"It's 5:56." The man looked at his watch.
"Ah, okay. Thanks purple man!"
"No problem, just remember to leave by 6. I don't want to be responsible for the death of my two favorite pornstars!" The purple man walked off.
"You think we can risk a few extra farts?" Engie asked.
Pyro let out a little tiny fart, letting Engie know it was go time.
PPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT!
"AAAAAHHHHHHHH~!" Engie let out a loud moan.
When suddenly... the lights went out. It was 6 pm.
"What da hell?!" Engineer looked around amidst the darkness.
"Pyro we better get outta here! It's closing time! And I'm not meaning your butt cheeks! "
Pyro nodded, and Engineer snuck out of the men's bathroom and looked around outside. Though it was darker, there were still some lights on. Engineer looked on stage to see that the bear and the chicken were on stage. But the rabbit was missing. He looked, and it appeared that the rabbit left the stage and was now in the dining area. Engineer could feel his heart sink to his buttocks. But boy, was it a terrible time to not have a gun on him.
"Pyro... come look, you need to see this." Engie whispered.
Pyro came out and Engineer pointed towards the bunny. Who was still standing at the dining area, now looking directly at the two mercenaries. And standing right beside it, was an animatronic fox with one eye covered
"Okay Pyro, here's the plan. I'm gonna carry you on my back and we can get outta here! Now, just in case there was an emergency, I noticed On 3, ready?"
1...
2...
3...
Engie and Pyro started sprinting to the left, down to the east hallway. Pyro turned around and saw the yellow chicken standing down at the other end. On the other side, Freddy was standing up at the east hall corner. Deep laughter bellowed throughout the pizzaria.
When to their left, was a miracle. There was a door that lead to the kitchen, and standing there was Purple Guy. Welcoming them into the room. It was dark, but it could be the only way out of this nightmare infested pizzaria.
"Get in here quick! This room is safe from them!" Purple guy urged.
When the fox suddenly started running down the hallway at a full sprint. They both darted left and Purple man shut the door before the fox could get in.
"Whew! Good thinking Purple guy! Say, what exactly are those things and why were they moving and trying to kill us?" Engie asked.
"They are the souls of dead children attempting to get revenge on the man who killed them. You're safe from them..."
"Oh thank god." Pyro gave a sigh of relief. He wasn't a big fan of running, especially from killer Chuck E. Cheese knockoffs.
"... But not from me." Purple guy suddenly pulled out a revolver, and pointed it at the two mercenaries.
"FUCK!" Pyro yelled in disappointment. And with all this stress, Pyro had a tendency to stress-eat. He reached over to a nearby table and ate whatever he had in his hand. However it wasn't pizza.
"Oh, so you're the guy who killed the night guard!" Engie yelled, feeling betrayed by someone he thought was a fan.
"Yes, and now I must kill you. What a shame, that the world will lose two amazing gay fart porn models..."
When suddenly Pyro shat out a knife directly pointed at purple guy. The knife was covered in feces but stabbed him right through the left eye, killing him instantly. His body fell, and now it was just them and the animatronics.
"How are we gonna get out! We're trapped!" Engie started to panic.
He thought, just for a moment about giving up. Taking the gun, and killing Pyro and himself to spare each other from whatever hell was awaiting them at the other side. He was that desperate. He couldn't believe he didn't come prepared for this. He couldn't believe he didn't have a plan.
But Pyro did.
Pyro looked around and saw there was tons of pizza in the kitchen. He figured, what if they ate the pizza and then used their farts to blast out of the building?
"Quickly engie! Take off your pants and eat as much pizza as you can! We will blast our way out of here!"
Engie nodded and the two suddenly started eating pizza for their lives. As they chowed they could hear the animatronics all banging on the door, ready to bust in at a moment's notice.
"Are you feeling gassy, Engie?"
"Ho, you bet I am!" Engie yelled, his mouth stuffed with pizza.
Engie took off his pants and they both hugged one another, before releasing the biggest fart they can at the same time.
3!
2!
1!
LIFTOFF!
Launching them through the ceiling and then falling to the parking lot outside. Luckily for them,Animatronics couldn't jump, or fly. So, with their asses exposed to the cold, winter elements. They quickly got into their car and drove away. The End.