Title: Abjure
Summary: He looked away and kept walking, his heart splintering a tiny bit more as she walked silently by.
Characters: John, Carter & Teyla
Pairing: John/Teyla, Teyla/Kanan.
Rating: K
Spoilers: Missing through Kindred

"Do you know what you're asking for?"

John nodded his head slowly, his eyes falling from Carter's. He'd debated coming here and asking her this for well over a week; had paced about in his room for hours before coming to her office and then spent a good half hour - at least - in the control room watching her as she read mission reports, wondering if this was really what he wanted to do.

"Yeah."

He saw her nod and he flinched slightly at her pinched expression. He felt both relieved and guilty now that he'd voiced his request and he wanted both to jump for joy and retract his statement. He gulped in a breath of air and felt it soothe the aching in his muscles. He felt the stillness in the room creeping up on him but it couldn't quite subtract from his quickly soothing body.

"I understand that you're team – you – has been through a lot recently but... are you sure this is what you want to do?"

He raised his eyes to hers at the sceptical tone of her voice and nodded his head solemnly.

"Yeah. I just need to get away for a while."

And it was no lie. So much had happened to him since he'd joined the Atlantis expedition that it was no wonder he had gone a little mad and needed to go home to Earth for a while to try and get himself together. It sounded cliché even to him but he needed some time alone to think and sort through everything that was going through his mind and he couldn't do that on Atlantis; not when there was a crisis at every corner, not when everything seemed to be going wrong... not when he saw her every day.

And that was it, really, the reason why he was running away. He'd thought he'd come to terms with everything that had happened in the past two years with what had happened with Carson, Elizabeth, Ford, Nancy, Michael, the Replicators and even what had been going on with Teyla.

And then she'd shown up at his door that night and everything went so unbelievably wrong that he wasn't sure he knew exactly what had started it.

What had happened hadn't really changed anything because no one knew but it put them in a position that they needn't be in and he just couldn't handle it anymore. He'd had a small reprieve when she'd gone to the mainland after Doran – he felt his chest tighten at the thought of the name – was born with Kanan – he felt his throat dry at the thought of that name – but it was short lived and he knew the only way he'd be able to get over it... get over her would be to go back to Earth and bury his head so far in the sand that even his butt would be covered.

"I..." He looked up at her and saw her heave a sigh, uncertainty lacing her features. "You know, you're not that only one affected by what happened... we were all affected in some way because Teyla is an integral part of this unit now..." John nodded, his throat drying, his eyes clouding over with tears that he'd yet to shed for any of it. He could see Carter examining him, trying to read him and he looked away, glanced to the hands that were fisted up in his lap, grasping a small piece of paper he couldn't even remember picking up. "I know everyone needs to get away for a while but..." She trailed off, and her faced changed. She nodded. "All right; I will still need to clear it with the SGC but I will put a strong recommendation through for you." He sighed in relief, the smile not quite making it to his face. He felt a sudden lump in the back of his throat and he gulped it down. "How long will you need?"

He looked up at her again and shook his head slightly.

"I don't know."

She nodded.

"Okay." She didn't question him and he was glad. He shifted in his seat, suddenly uncomfortable under her gaze. "I'll contact you once I've spoken with General Landry."

He smiled slightly in gratitude and swept a hand through his hair, and stood up.

He made it to the door, had a foot over it before she spoke his name and he paused but did not turn around.

"Whatever you're looking for... I hope you find it."

He nodded almost imperceptibly and walked away, without looking up. He made it to the corridor outside the control room before he looked up and his eyes found her instantly. Brown met hazel and it seemed like time stopped, his heart beat slowed down until he was sure it had stopped in his chest.

Then he looked away and kept walking, his heart splintering a little more as she walked silently by.