Author's Note: Mentions of character death and depression. – Jess.
Chapter One – The Breakdown.
Rachel had been in therapy for a while now, it had been six months since Finn's passing and every Friday at ten in the morning she sat in the same chair overlooking the same city skyline with the same blank expression on her face. However, this Friday was different. This time she was talking, she was spilling all the questions that had been swirling in her mind for so long now, ones that plagued her at night when she couldn't sleep or when she woke from the nightmares of that phonecall once more. Never getting to see the man that she loved again was tearing her heart to pieces, shattering her bit by bit, more than what she was the second she heard those words the ones voicing her absolute worst fears before they got the chance to have their happily ever after.
"You know I've been asking why me? Why us? Why him? Why her? Why them? Why now? Why like that? I've been asking all these question but there isn't a single person who can answer them and I have to accept that I'll never have answers to why someone would shoot him, I'll never know what his final moments were like or what he was thinking or if there was anyone holding him telling him it will be okay. I'll never get the chance to tell him I love him and how proud I am of him and people can say that he's watching over me but that doesn't change the fact that we can't have another conversation. Is that so much to ask for? One more hour together to, is that so much to ask for?" She said while angrily pacing the room. No one other than Burt, Carole, Puck and even Kurt understood what she felt. They all shared such different and strong connections with Finn and there wasn't a single thing anyone could do to bring him back. He was gone and he wasn't coming back, it was a forever kind of thing and she wasn't prepared to live the rest of her life without Finn but now she had no choice. She was being forced to live her life without the one person who gave her unconditional love.
"No one so young should die, he's this amazing person who was so so giving and so loving and special and now, now he's gone. He's not here and he's the one person who always pushed me." She said as she stood at the window staring out at the city and everyone living their busy seemingly untouched lives out in the heart of New York. "Everyone here, they're so caught up in their lives that they just don't notice that anything's wrong. Kurt.. it feels like he's moved on, he doesn't speak Finn's name, it feels like he's forgotten now. Santana is handling things in her own way but I've never felt more alone. The man I love was ripped away, he's not coming back and I just can't accept that." She said as tears spilled from her eyes and her palm pressed flat against the cool glass. How was she possibly meant to push forward with her life when it's core was missing? She simply didn't know anymore and she wasn't sure she could ever recover from something so heart wrenching and painful.
She didn't look back at the man sitting behind the oak desk, she couldn't look him in the eye much like she couldn't really look anyone in the eye. All confidence seemed to have had disappeared when she knew her reason for everything she did, her biggest inspiration, her greatest fan and most importantly her lifelong love was gone. Something changed in Rachel that night and she wasn't sure that she could ever get it back. "I don't know who I can talk to anymore, I speak to Carole every week and my dads obviously but none of them have ever been let in to what I'm actually feeling. I'm not even sure who I am anymore, am I still the Rachel Berry I was before or am I someone entirely different?" She asked, of course it wasn't a question she really wanted answered because she already knew, she wasn't the same girl anymore and she had changed more than anyone else knew.
"Grief and loss changes people, Rachel. How we deal with our grief is something that differs between each person. I'm sure you're aware of the seven stages of grief but it has appeared to me that you may be suffering from denial right now. You don't want to believe he's gone yet at the same time you want someone to notice that something isn't right but you don't feel as though you can reach out to those closest to you." The therapist said while taking down some notes in her file. He was genuinely shocked that she was speaking so much when she usually didn't give him much to go off other than the subtle signs of her anguish and despair and signs of her devotion to the tall awkward teenage boy she lost in the blink of an eye. Of course she wasn't the only one who lost him, an entire community had but she often felt completely alone in her grief and struggled so hard to move through it while everyone else was beginning to seem perfectly fine.
Fiddling with the engagement ring hanging around her neck she was fighting an inner battle, a battle that she still hadn't won and wasn't sure that she could ever win. "Have you ever lost someone earlier than you should have? Or said goodbye to someone who you promised forever to?" She asked. She hadn't moved from her position at the window staring down at the ant like people down on the streets below them. Her voice never wavered, it was almost Luna Lovegood sounding as she got lost in the memories flooding through her mind. "Our story wasn't meant to end like this. I was meant to go back to Lima after a successful Broadway career, walk into his choir room and say 'I'm home,' from there we would announce our engagement, get married in Central Park and raise our family in Lima. A little boy and a little girl, maybe more if we thought we could handle it. Our lives were all mapped out for us. He would come to the opening night of my very first show and we would grow old together, sitting on our porch watching our grandchildren and telling them stories of our love and how no amount of fame would tear us apart because when you meet the one you just know."
She had reached her breaking point by then, everything in her world came crashing down on her like a tonne of bricks and she couldn't breathe. She was genuinely winded as she stood there with both of her hands pressed firmly to the glass. "It's not fair!" She cried as she slowly fell to the floor. "I needed him! I needed my Finn, I still do. I need him back, I need him now. I can't face life without him, it all hurts too much." It had taken her six months, six months of putting on a brave face and smiling for everyone and trying to be strong for them all for her to finally break down the way she needed. From there she knew she would have to build herself back up but in those moments she was just a fragile girl falling to pieces in the middle of a city so busy and so full of life and love and adventure. She was lost to the city and until she had the chance to break there wasn't any way she could embrace it fully. Curled in on herself on the floor of the therapists office she cried, she mourned the loss of the love of her life, mourned the life they never got to share together and let the immense fear and sadness consume her completely for the first time since he died. Nothing was said, no one moved, the grey haired man behind the desk made a note that this was good, she was making progress. But Rachel, Rachel was a mess, she felt so lost and so alone and acutely aware of the small sense of security that washed over her. A part of her wondered if it was Finn telling her he was there with her but there was no way she could be sure. "I miss you." She whispered into the tense air of the quiet room, her chest felt tight and her breathing felt labored but somewhere deep down she knew that breaking down was exactly what she needed to help her find herself in the darkness again. "I love you." She said while grasping the ring around her neck, Finn would as he always had been be in her heart even if she didn't get her dream life with him. She got the four years they were together and the friendship they shared and his selfless act of letting her go just so she could pursue her dreams in New York.
Essentially she was on a journey of self discovery, one that could either bring the old Rachel back or allow her to embrace a new and better version of herself. One that wasn't afraid to chase what she was after, to take risks and to open herself up bit by bit to the experiences the world held for her. Whether she was capable of doing it or not was a whole other thing and as she gathered up her strength and her courage she stood from her spot, raising her eyes to meet the therapists and thanked him, thanked him for listening and for not psychoanalyzing her too much. After another moment she left and went straight to Bow Bridge where she traced their initials and spent a good hour reflecting on her life so far and how much of a significant impact Finn had had on her life. "I'll always love you, Finn Christopher Hudson." As the sun set that day Rachel Barbra Berry had found a new sense of peace, she was coming to terms with the cards life had dealt her and and was slowly coming to accept that her happily ever after wasn't going to be like she imagined but Finn would be there watching over her, protecting her and encouraging her even if it wasn't in the physical sense anymore.