REALIZATIONS
So now Bianca knows about the DNA test. I couldn't talk to her about how I feel about Miranda's death. My feelings over the loss of Miranda have taken me to some very bad and scary places. I told Ryan that to talk about it might just push me over the edge. This past year has not been the greatest for me. I never really knew how much I was capable of handling, or to what lengths I would go to for my sister. But I am coming to the end of what I am able to endure. At least it sure feels like it.
My revenge over what I considered Ryan's betrayal was by far the most outlandish. What was I thinking about when I slept with Jonathan? Ryan told me my grief or should I say my lack of dealing with my grief was getting in the way of getting on with my life. He may have been right, but to deal with Miranda's death would definitely make me crazy or crazier than I already am.
Ethan, in him I see myself when I first came to Pine Valley. Angry and alone, with no one to turn to. I ended up being very hateful. I wanted revenge against my mother for abandoning me and against Bianca for having her love. Thankfully, we are all beyond that and we love and accept one another. I am trying to move on and be happy and I think that helping Ethan before he evolves into what I had become will do that. Or is this just another thing to hold on to, to obsess over?
Anything so that I have no time to deal. Where is the hand to reach out to me, to save me from drowning in all this sorrow? I can not burden Bianca with my feelings, because for her it would be to painful. Mom, I don't know if I could share this with her either, so I am trying to keep my head above water. Keeping busy with Ethan's problems rather than dealing with my own. If I don't keep busy I just know that I will drown.
Fusion
I noticed you and Kendall talking, is everything all right? You know Hockett that she apologized for everything. But can you believe her, yes, yes I think I can. Why Ryan she has had it out for you for so long, she was willing to shoot you, even if it was with blanks. Even though I don't want to admit it, and it doesn't take anything away from my marriage we will always be connected. Just what do you mean bro? No matter where our lives take us or with whomever there will always be this special connection. It's really quite strange when you think about it. Ryan don't tell me that you think she is your soulmate, what about Greenlee. I didn't say that, only that we are connected and will always be.