Note: With a character like Carter, she says and expresses so little sometimes, that it's hard to believe that there's not more bubbling under there... This is a future fiction concerning Certain Season 8 spoilers, you have been forewarned… AND looking back on this, it's a bit poetic…. But I'll post it anyway.
FIC NOTES: Future Season…spoilers of Grace.. Mention of Pete…the usual. Angst…you may think it's in relevance to Threads…it could be but it's not… PG, I think…
By the way…you don't have to feed, just enjoy…
Not Beta'd… give it a try, and tell me if the grammer is hideous.
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Once upon a time,
I held, the dirtiest of secrets. In my hand, and in my heart, I kept it. One, such as this, that I could not tell any living soul...
Not to my friends, as close and Faithful as they were.
Not to my family, who knew me more than I knew myself, most days.
I said to him once... 'Dad, there are things that I do, that you've never even heard of.'
I can't even say that now,
Standing in the moist grass, I know that he's aware of what I do now...more than he ever will. And what, pray tell, would have happened, had he died of cancer that day. What if I had worked in deep space telemetry. What if, what if...what if?
Would he have survived?
Would I know him, like I do now?
Would I hurt as much?
Sadistically, I can almost feel him clawing his way from the ground, as if not dead, having slipped down a well, and crawling back out from underneath the darkness. Ready to be on my six again, and fight the good fight. And moan about my husband, and the choices that I had or hadn't made there.
He fought it twice...
Not cancer...not death, but the fight. The ever-present struggle, which now ceases to be in the present.
All conquered, I had my babies, I had my husband, I had my marriage and the little picket fence and plastic pink flamingo in the back yard...I had my life. But the dirty little secret...it's still there. Blundering in its own glory,
It devours me. Shredding my will, and secluding my most inner passions.
I never believed in love before. Young and oddly cynical I believed that feelings could be altered, changed, pushed to the sidelines in favour of duty and honour. I had done this, but, 5 years on; it's hard to miss the holes when they're filled with guilt so potent, it bleeds along with my own blood.
But I've seen and experienced so much now...I can understand why people die under their own hands if you look at the world from an angle and not see a speck of light for days.
Only darkness.
Sometimes, if I don't have three nightmares, it's been a good weekend. And five years on, to the day in fact that I said goodbye, I'm back where I buried my father. His headstone is simple, understated, gracious,
Jacob Carter 'For a man like no other'
And for the man underneath.
We had always joked, about how he wanted to be buried. Originally, he had shocked me,
With the funniest statement that he could come out with.
'I went to a Burlesque House in Amsterdam once. The women there were……great beer. When I die, that's where I want to be. They can just prop me in the corner, I could be the coat stand.'
Not funny 'ha ha', but just as poignant.
I had to battle for his body by the time I had found it, and again to get it back through the gate. But Mark wanted to see his dad. He wanted to say goodbye, and I wanted him to have that, at least. Even if he couldn't know the specifics of how he died.
My knees meet the soggy soil as I place a bunch of Lavender by his stone. He hated Lavender, could stand the stuff. I hope it makes him laugh or push or poke me at the evil sentiment.
"Hey Dad,"
From the word Dad, a little piece of me seems to fall to the floor. Shedding one skin already, I see...
"How are you? Having fun? The kids are good. Meredith is starting school soon...and Jake, is with his father. Pete's cranky today, something about breaking the kettle or something, I just kissed him, made him a sandwich and tried to ignore, you know how he is,"
I searched for reason why I was telling him any of this; it wasn't why I was here. Had to laugh at my lack of conversational direction.
"I uh once said that you didn't know everything about me. A year after that you found out more than you ever knew, and became a part of that cause...a cause that for a moment, spared your life. And a cause, that in affect, ended it."
I suddenly realise how much I miss looking at him...both of them...all them.
"When I buried Daniel, I told him, that he was the second brother I never had,"
I look away from the stone,
"Before we...gave Teal'c his fancy Jaffa funeral, I told him the same. Jonas too. You see, It's funny really, how the men in your life grow on you when you least expect it. How much a part of their lives you become."
Trying to further brim the small tears, I continue
"But I came hear to tell you something that I've wanted to say, for so long. I never told you, because I never knew, I never suspected it to be the case. But it is...it has been for a long time now,"
Fears and pain left buried climb to the tallest towers in my eyes and the sky feel too grey to count for...
"I uh. I..."
My mind is swallowed by time, and I remember what I feel now...
'Carter...' 'General...don't' '...Please...?' 'I can't see you, you know that. I promised him that...he loves me. 'And me?' 'You don't see me, not the way that he sees me, Jack. You never gave yourself the chance...' 'Dammit Sam...If I was blind, I would see you...' 'We were never meant to be. I gotta go.'
"I loved him Dad. I loved him. I loved him for every moment that I watched him die, every fight we had, every time he tried to kiss me and I slapped him. I loved him as danced with him at my wedding, and I loved him without knowing anything else..."
I had to laugh at my own admission. "Pretty God-damned stupid, huh? Some would say I made a mistake...but I don't think I did."
After all, I think that my heart had more intuition than my head could allow for.
"I couldn't hesitate...and in denying myself the love of someone who wasn't mine, and of having someone to share my life with...I found some one. It just so happened that I missed the man in front of me...but I wanted you to know,"
The clouds seemed to fall out of the sky, lower, as it started to rain.
"About my dirty little secret. I'm done now. Take care, old man. Say hi to the boys, and Jack, if you see him."
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If I had the chance, love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late
Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love And I am willing, to give up this fight Sarah Mclachlan's 'Dirty Little Secrets'
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I notice a theme in my writing. It's not SJ…it's Sam-Whump!
Athena -Love to love you baby….