Magnus brought his mug up to his lips and flipped the page of the enchantment book he was reading. Currently, the topic was immortality. He glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner of his study; it was 4:36 AM. He set the mug down, realizing that drinking caffeinated tea this late was not the greatest idea. He brought his fingers up to massage his temples as he closed his eyes.
From experience, I knew that there were several things that the book had wrong about immortality. The book mentions the statistics, making it seem like immortals undergo a solid progression of time that just seems slower. This is untrue. Its just like living, like mortals do, only it doesn't end. The aging process is extremely slow, just like the earth turning, so immortals don't notice changes in their appearance straight away.
The chapter starts with the statement "Everything you need to know about immortality" but this is false. The book doesn't say anything about the loved ones you have to watch grow old and die. It says nothing of the people who think you have no emotions, and decide to take advantage of you. Not one mention of how you need to gain someone's trust before they even try to reason with you; that is, if they don't kill you first. It says nothing about how people use you for your advanced knowledge. Only graphs and technicalities as if all immortals are just machines.
Magnus's fists clenched, his eye lids squeezed tight. He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts but it didn't work.
Old friends, family members, lovers, they all pass away and you have to sit through all of it. You have to build a box in your mind and store away your affection, so no one can hurt you. The book does not mention the weight you have to carry, the guilt of the past haunting you everywhere you go.
Immortals, over time, become agonizingly aware of their faults, and have to live with them forever, glaring at them when they look in the mirror.
Magnus's eyes shot open, the cat like pupils constricted into thin slits and the green of his irises illuminated. He stood up and thrust his hands outward. Red sparks shot from his fingertips to the other side of the room, shattering a vase and knocking down a painting. His breathing was heavy and labored as he struggled to regain his temper. Magnus slammed his hands on his desk and hung his head down between his shoulders.
He heard the ruffle of bedsheets come from the other room and the sound of light footsteps get closer.
"Magnus?" Alec's sleep deprived and confused voice called out to him, as he stepped through the doorway. Alec looked disheveled in his rumpled grey pajamas. His raven colored hair was tousled, his blue eyes squinting and tired. He put one hand on the doorway and the other over his eyes, shielding him from the dim candle light of Magnus's study. "Magnus, is everything alright?" Alec croaked, his voice thick with sleep.
As his head lifted, Magnus's eyes softened at the sight of his Shadowhunter. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep, Alec." He whispered, but there was a dangerous edge to his voice.
Alec stood in the doorway, his toes clenching and unclenching on the icy, wooden hallway floor. "Well, what was that noise-" Alec stopped when he saw the vase in pieces and the painting scorched. "By the angel, Magnus!" He exclaimed. "what did you-" He stopped himself again when he saw the tears welling up in Magnus's eyes. Strands of the warlock's long dark hair fell in his face.
Alec's face fell when he saw Magnus's pained expression. He took a few strides towards Magnus's desk, but stopped short when he saw the feral look in his eyes. "Magnus, please tell me whats wrong." Alec's gaze was steady but his voice portrayed his nervousness. He wasn't usually nervous around Magnus, but Magnus never acted this way.
Magnus strained to calm himself, for Alec's sake, but he couldn't. His knuckles were white from clenching them and he found that it was taking all his willpower not to destroy everything in the room; Including Alec. He had a nagging feeling that maybe he wouldn't be burdened by pain if he didn't have anything left to lose, but he recoiled at the mere thought.
No, those things that you are afraid to lose make life worth living.
"Alec, I-" his voice broke mid-sentence. "Just go back to bed, okay?" Alec stood his ground. His stance was shifting to a defensive one on instinct and he was biting his lip. "Will you be joining me?" He asked bluntly, as if he already knew the answer. Magnus sighed, "I.. I don't know." He said, his eyes dropping to the floor. Alec nodded once. "Maybe you should take a day off of this work. I know that this is an urgent matter, but I think Clary can wait an extra day if it means you getting some sleep." Alec said briskly, his voice no longer gruff.
Magnus just slowly shook his head, ignoring the Shadowhunter's comment. "You don't understand how painful it is to be immortal, Alec. You think it would affect you more, since you have to live your life while I don't age, but its harder for me. I'm going to have to live without you someday." Magnus's voice dropped to a faint whisper on the last sentence and he clenched his jaw, trying not to cry.
Alec's eyes widened in surprise. "Is that what this is about? Oh angel, Magnus. Don't beat yourself up over that. It isn't your fault that you're immortal."
Magnus continued shaking his head. "Go, Alec, I can't do this right now. I need some time to think."
Alec glanced anxiously at the clock. "Magnus, you need rest, you look exhausted. Just come to-"
Magnus's temper flared. "Don't say, 'come to bed,' Alec! I don't want to be around you right now, don't you understand that?"
Alec stepped back like he'd been slapped. His expression was wounded and his eyes were more vulnerable then Magnus had ever seen them. Magnus clamped his mouth shut quickly as if he would breathe fire if he opened it again.
Alec paused for a second before replying, "Fine." He said, trying to sound angry but it came out broken instead. "I'll be in our-Your room if you feel like you 'want to be around me' again." He turned his back to Magnus and walked to the doorway.
He paused and turned around again, "Maybe you should take your own advice on something you once taught me. Focus on the present, because it is worth more to be happy now then to be sad about something in the future." Red lightning flickered between Magnus's fingertips, but Alec seemed unfazed. "Alec, please-" Alec refused to be silenced, and announced, "We almost broke up because of that and I really don't want that to be the case again." He shut his mouth in a tight line and walked down the hall to their bedroom.
Magnus choked back a sob that was threatening to escape from his lips. Alec was right. How stupid and hypocritical of him to be so horrible towards Alec for the same reason he broke up with him before.
Magnus breathed in a sharp breath when he realized that his sparks had never been red before. He was momentarily horrified, staring down at his hands in disbelief. There was something in him, something... dark inside of him that wants to be free. Maybe, he thought, It was the part of him that was a demon. Maybe it had to do with his father-No, he refused to think about his father. Maybe this thing inside of him was what lashed out at Alec.
He hadn't realized he was still standing until his legs threatened to give out. He sunk back into his chair, finally feeling the effects of exhaustion. He looked at the clock; it read 4:59. Magnus came to the conclusion that he was overthinking everything and he just really needed to sleep.
Alec was right, he decided, I need to sleep in tomorrow and spend the day making things right with my amazing partner.
Magnus realized suddenly how much he must have hurt Alec and his heart sank. He mentally scolded himself for saying something that harsh to Alec.
He didn't intend to lose the love of his life again.
He closed the book he had been reading, without putting in the bookmark, and got ready for bed. After a few minutes (to remove his daily cosmetics and apply moisturizer) he tiptoed into the bedroom, trying to be silent and not wake Alec. He slid under the large blanket, which had been warmed by Alec's body heat. He wrapped one arm around Alec and snuggled closer.
"You were right you know. You were right." Magnus mumbled sleepily.
A few seconds later, Alec stirred in his sleep. Magnus heard a faint grumble that sounded like, "I usually am."
Magnus gave a drowsy chuckle before pressing a kiss to the back of Alec's head and drifting to sleep.