I always knew
"It's way beyond partnership, bigger than friendship and much more than sex."
That's what my mum told me once and from then on I knew that's what I'm going to look for all my life.
Ever since I was a little girl I knew. Maybe I couldn't put it into words but I could feel it. I knew. And dad knew. And Charlie and Sully and everybody who ever saw the two of them together. That is everybody except for the two of them.
I expected mum and dad's divorce long before it actually happened. I listened to their fights and watched the resentment grow in their eyes. I can't blame dad for being jealous of mum's job and Bosco. And I never blamed mum for being in love with her partner. Especially since she didn't even realize it. And I know-knew even then-she would never act on it if she did know. She would never cheat on dad and never hurt her kids on purpose.
But that doesn't mean I wasn't angry and sad when they actually told us they are getting a divorce. I was a kid, a teenager after all and I wanted mummy and daddy to have their happily ever after. I yelled and cursed and blamed and slammed the front door behind me. I went to Bosco's apartment to give him a peace of my mind for breaking my family apart.
But in the end I never got to do that. I almost broke down his door by slamming my fist as hard as I could, putting all my anger in it and hoping that the next thing my fist comes in contact with is his face.
When he opened the door and his anger at the unknown attacker of his door melted into a look of worry for his partner's furious and disheveled daughter, I realized for the first time in my life how much of a mother's daughter I really am. One look into his blue-gray eyes and I forgot all about how angry I was supposed to have been with him. It was always like that with the Yokas's women.
A young handsome Officer with an infectious grin was every six year old girl's crush. And when I grew older he was sort of an older brother letting me get away with things mum never would have allowed. And through the years, without even me noticing he became a friend, uncle and a father all in one to a confused teenager.
Still, I thought a bit of yelling, getting it out of my system wouldn't hurt anybody.
"Emily? What're you doing here? Is something wrong with your mum? Is she hurt?" he asked frantically, fearing the worst.
And that was the end of my murderous thoughts about his slow and painful death. He cared about my mum so much I could forgive him anything.
"No, no. Mum's alright. Can I just talk to you for awhile?"
And we talked about the divorce and his parents divorce, school, friends, even boys. Everything but mum.
When I was finally leaving, I had to say something.
"Now that they're getting a divorce, are you…" I trailed off, not knowing how or even what to say. Live together? Date? Kiss? Have sex? Admit your love for each other? I knew I couldn't say anything. I wasn't the right person to point it out to them. They had to realize it themselves, so I just asked him to take care of her.
"Of course, Emmy. Like always." I nodded. Like always. I didn't know if I should be satisfied or disappointed.
I came home and mum and dad were still sitting on the couch, waiting for me to return. I expected a lecture for going out without telling where but I only got two pairs of knowing eyes and a bittersweet smile on my dad's lips.
"So, how's Bosco doing?" Dad asked. I rolled my eyes.
"He just had to call you didn't he?" Mum shook her head.
"He didn't call us."
"You have the same expression on your face your mother has." Dad smiled at me sadly and it made me feel so guilty.
"Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-" I wanted to apologize and tell him he'll never lose me.
"It's okay, Emily. I always said you and your mum are very much alike." He hugged me close and whispered into my ear. "I understand. I really do. More than you know." And I knew he's telling me the truth. He knew all along.
As I walked towards my room I heard the phone ringing and smiled because I knew Bosco was making sure I came back safely. So predictable.
After dad moved out Bosco hung around our apartment a lot more than before. Not just after a hard shift, but almost every day and even on weekends and sometimes he spent the night at our couch. It was like that for months and I was becoming restless, because the whole thing was ridiculous.
They loved each other and you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. But nothing was moving forward. No accidental little touches, no secret smiles, no noises from the bedroom, no clothes scattered around the apartment, no surprising them in only a towel. I saw no indicators of a love affair.
But since I was not a full-time detective I thought maybe I just didn't notice them or they are keeping their hands to themselves because of me and Charlie. Although I just didn't see Bosco keeping his hands to himself for any reason.
Anyway, I decided I'm in need of a professional opinion which could only mean a trip to the precinct.
The lobby was lively as ever and I felt a rush of adrenalin surge through my veins as I was sneaking around the corners and receptionist's table, trying to avoid mum and Bosco and catch the attention of Officers Sullivan and Davies.
In the end Sully noticed me, got suspicious and tried to drag me over to my mum. With a lot of trouble I convinced him I'm not in any kind of trouble, not doing anything illegal and only want to talk with him and Davies without mum knowing. Or Bosco for that matter. I think that the only thing that convinced him to listen to me was the mention of mum and Bosco in the same sentence and tone.
Sully motioned to Davies and we walked out of the precinct, me hiding behind Sully's bulky form. They put me in the car, took me to the small café, sat me down and bought me a hot chocolate.
"Now tell us what this is all about, Little Yokas." Sully, always to the point. Wish I could do that too.
"I… em… How does mum seem to you? Does she look happy?" I asked awkwardly, suddenly very self-conscious and at the loss of words. They looked at each other in worry.
"She seems fine to me," Sully answered with a frown. "Why? Do you think she isn't happy?"
"What about her and Bosco?" I asked ignoring his question. "Are they like before? Or are they fighting? Seem strange anyhow? Maybe disappearing from time to time? Talking about something strange?" I inquired hopefully. The Officers were both staring at me like I have sprouted another head.
"Emily," Davies started patiently. "Why don't you tell us what is wrong? Maybe we can help." He smiled encouragely and I bit my lip trying to think about how to put this in words.
"Are you suspecting drugs?" Sully interjected gruffly and my forehead thumped on the table in defeat. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry but I definitely needed to explain.
"No, Sully, I don't suspect drugs," I said with a patronizing voice and he hung his head in shame. I breathed deeply. "Look, first we have to clear something up. You know mum and dad divorced few months ago, right? And this isn't some stunt to get them back together. They are much happier apart. They get along so well as they never had before, actually." Now that we cleared this up we came to the more complicated part and they were already staring at me in astonishment.
"I see," Sully muttered. I rubbed my hands together nervously.
"What I really wanted to talk about is her relationship with Bosco." By the way they were avoiding my eyes I knew they know what I was talking about and probably thought I was against it. I huffed, annoyed at their actions.
"What about it?"
"Oh, stop acting even more stupid than you two already are!" I exclaimed frustrated. Their eyes snapped to me immediately. "I know it. You know it. Dad knows it. Hell, probably even their Lieutenant knows! They are fucking crazy about each other! They would die and kill for each other!" Oh, god and there I was, with tears in my eyes!
"Em-"
"No, no. Look, Bosco spends a lot of time at our place. He cooks pasta at least once a week, orders pizza when mum's not home, puts his dirty socks with mum's laundry, has a Sports magazine on our coffee table, helps Charlie with his homework and hell, he gives me twenty bucks every time I go to the movies without me even asking him! The only thing left to do is for him to finally move his arse off our couch to mum's bedroom!"
I was breathing heavily after this little monolog while Sully looked worried and Davies somewhere between shock and amusement.
"I just want mum to be happy," I said gently. "And Bosco, too. All of us actually, because we won't have a peaceful night's sleep until they do something about that. I want to know, what the two of you think, because I know there's no action at home. Believe me, I would know. I have been watching them very carefully for months now. But maybe they are just hiding it from me, so I wouldn't get upset. So, what do you think?"
Sully rolled his eyes scowling.
"There's nothing going on at the precinct either, Em. They just continue to be Dumb and Dumber and not see what's right in front of them," he growled. I smiled, happy with myself to have found two men who were getting equally frustrated with mum and Bosco but I was also disappointed because of Sully's words. But not really surprised.
"Although," Davies started and I perked up hopefully. "Air around them seems to be filled with so much sexual tension that everybody around them just waits to explode." I grimaced.
"Try living with them." They laughed at my misery and I glared back. "Nothing funny about that."
After that we said our goodbyes and they promised to contact me if anything moves forward. I felt like James Bond on a mission, except I was doing nothing but waiting for them to stop this stupid game.
I was frustrated and I wasn't the only one. Even Charlie was starting to roll his eyes at the absurdity of the entire situation. I really think he just wanted Bosco of the couch at the night so he could sneak to the living room to play play-station.
Also, when dad came to get me and Charlie one day we had an interesting chat. Dad was waiting for me and my brother in the living room where Bosco was sprawled on the couch with a beer in his hand and a sports channel on TV, while mum was just finishing doing the dishes. If I didn't know better I would say they were married. Dad obviously had the same idea since he was smirking at Bosco who was looking back rather agitated.
Once outside the apartment, dad looked at me.
"So, they finally getting it on?" Dad asked. Both, me and Charlie rolled our eyes, getting quite familiar with the gesture in the last months.
"No," I half snapped half moaned. "They are acting ridicules. Either totally stupid or completely clueless both of them," I huffed annoyed. Even dad looked exasperated.
"What about at work?"
"Nothing. My sources tell me it's the same as home." Dad lifted his eyebrows at me having sources but just muttered something about being "my mother's daughter". Only less stupid I'd say!
The day they realized they love each other Bosco got shot. Nothing mayor, just a bullet in the shoulder but usually mum would sit with him all through the night, fussing even when it wasn't necessary. That's just the way they worked. Bosco getting in trouble and mum helping him out after a lengthy lecture.
So, it is to say I was surprised to see my mum come home in the evening just a few hours after calling me Bosco got shot.
"Mum, what are you doing home?" I asked worried. "Did something happen? Is he actually more injured that they thought?"
"No, no. He's fine. Just has to spend the night at the hospital," she calmed me down. I frowned at her.
"He's at the hospital? What are you doing home then?" I asked confused. Bosco hates hospitals. She looked away in something, I knew was guilt.
"Well, he's not injured badly, so there's no point staying there. He doesn't need me, so I thought I'll go and make you two dinner," she said in a rush, avoiding my eyes still. That was the point I knew I had to step in.
"Mom," I said sternly, finally making her look at me. "What the hell are you doing? Bosco hates hospitals and you know it. That's why you always stay with him while he's there. Even if it's just a scratch you always take care of him. You stay with him until he's discharged. Then you call home saying you won't be coming home and you take him to his place and fuss like a worried mother although you know he just needs a Tylenol and a good night's sleep. That's how it always was and I see no reason why it would be any different today. Certainly not because you need to cook us dinner we ate hours ago anyway as you knew we would?"
Mom was looking at me like she never saw me before.
"Emily, I'm so sorry. I know I sometimes put Bosco ahead…" She started to apologize.
"Mom, I'm not accusing you of anything!" I exclaimed. "And I'm not berating you for taking care for him. I understand that. I really do. I'm berating you for leaving him alone tonight! What happened, Ma?"
"When did you become so grown up, Em?" she asked me tenderly. I knew my mum was having a hard time about everything and I could see she was feeling guilty but I was having none of that.
"And when did you become so stupid?" I shot at her. "What are you doing here? That's not where you're supposed to be!"
"You don't understand, Emily!" she cried, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Then explain it to me! What don't I understand, mum?"
"Just… I… Him… How much I…" she stuttered, breathing heavily.
"How much you love him?" I asked finally and she just stared at me, tears slipping down her cheeks. I smiled at her. "Of course I understand mum. I always did. I always knew."
"Wh… What do you mean always?" I kept smiling at her, while gently helping her into her jacket.
"Why do you think dad was always so jealous of him, huh? He could see what you two didn't. He could feel you love each other even when you two didn't. I knew it. Charlie did, your co-workers did. Everybody, expect for the two of you. Sully affectionately calls you Dumb and Dumber, you know?" I put a hat on her head and winked at her. "Don't worry. I think you are the Dumb."
She barely smiled at me through her shock.
"Sully?" I pushed a purse into her hands and started leading her to the front door.
"Yes, Sully. See, even the grumpy old man sees you're in love. And for you to realize it, he has to get shot. Really mum, do you always have to take the hard road?" I joked and pushed her lightly to the hall. She shot a gentle and proud smile at me.
"I guess that's just what I do, make my life as difficult as possible. And not just for myself either. Oh, Emily! I'm so sorry you had to live with that! Your dad and-"
"Mom, stop it!" I broke her triad, holding my tears at bay. "I never ever blamed you for falling in love with Bosco! My dad loved you and you loved him. Just not the way you love him. The thing, you and Bosco have is so amazing, so deep, so great-" And then she said it.
"It's way beyond partnership, bigger than friendship and much more than sex."
She said it in an astonished whisper, just realizing it herself. We stared at each other, she processing the new found realization and me knowing I'll never settle for anything less than what the two of them have. I blinked away my tears.
"Yes. Now go to him. He needs you, mum. Don't wait for another shooting!" I said lightly.
"If that kiss he gave me before in the hospital is anything to go by, there won't be no waiting," she admitted, blushing slightly, probably not comfortable talking about this with me. It made me wanna squeal but I restrained myself and only hugged her in relief.
"Finally!" I couldn't help but exclaim. "I thought I was going to have to do something drastic." She laughed and then looked at me uncertainly.
"Go!" I shooed her. "Stay as long as you have to and don't come back without him!" I yelled behind her.
And she didn't come back without him ever again. I never asked what they talked about that night, much less what they did. It was bad enough that it had been confirmed very soon I was right about Officer Boscorelli not being able to keep his hands away from my mum for any reason at all. But mum was happy so I gladly forgave him his wandering hands.
I can't say we lived a fairytale life from then on. It was nothing like that. Me and mum still fought about my friends, boys, clothes and almost everything under the sun. And mum and Bosco were still cops, living under a lot of stress every single day, so it was inevitable that he did something stupid from time to time, which meant a lot of lectures and a lot of hospital visits and a lot of tears. But at the end of the day, when I watched their light banter or conversations without words I would always remember her words.
"It's way beyond partnership, bigger than friendship and much more than sex."
This one sentence was filling my heart with hope and dread and happiness and fear all at once. I hoped to have this and dreaded not ever feeling it. I was happy for them to have it and frightened to death of living my life in average.
So, when Josh Minnelli asked me to marry him and it wasn't even close to partnership, hardly a friendship and nothing more then sex, I filled in an application for Police Academy.
I knew my parents won't be happy. I knew that probably even Bosco is going to try to talk me out of it because of danger and emotional damage and I was right.
Surprisingly dad was the easiest to talk to.
"Wouldn't you rather marry a nice man and work as an accountant?" he asked without hope. I smiled at him sadly and he knew right away I will go all the way to get this. "Your mother's daughter," he muttered affectionately.
Bosco and mum didn't take it so well. Mum raged and yelled and pleaded and threatened and cried all in a time period of a few minutes. Bosco was trying to reason with me.
"Emmy, what are you doing? This job scares you for life. Some things you never forget. You could get shot, Emmy! It's dangerous and it gets to you no matter how hard you try not to."
"Everything lets a mark on you, a cop or not," I said firmly. "This is a way for me to let a mark on someone." This is where I almost had Bosco.
"God, so young and optimistic," he sighed with a smile.
"Boz!" mum yelled exasperated. "Don't you dare side with her!" she warned, feeling his resolve weakening. "Emily, your father-"
"-is already informed of my decision and knows he can't do anything to change my mind since the rumor has it I'm my mother's daughter."
I knew I had Bosco with that comment and his chuckle only confirmed my suspicion. Mum groaned.
"Boooz!"
"Give it a rest, Faith. Don't you remember how stubborn and determent you were when you decided to go to the Academy? Nobody could convince you otherwise and neither are you going to convince Emily to not go. Come no, Faith," he calmed her and I gave him a grateful smile while mum continued pouting at both of us. I knew then that mum will accept my decision under Bosco's patient goading, but I desperately needed her to understand.
"Mum." I was looking into her eyes willing her to understand. "I've been around you and Boz my entire life. Just being able to see and feel this bond of trust and love between the two of you makes me happy. And I want it too, mum! I want this feeling of complete and utter trust in someone! I want to know that someone has my back no matter what! That someone is willing to die for me! And I want someone to have that trust in me! I want to love someone so much that I would die for them, never hesitating a second! You remember what you said to me that night? It's way beyond partnership, bigger than friendship and much more than sex. I can't forget your words, mum. Or the expression on your face when you said it. I need to have this! I can't take anything that's less than that! I just can't! Maybe I won't ever find all of that or maybe I won't find it all in one person, but I won't ever stop looking, mum. And I feel in my heart that becoming a cop is a step in the right direction."
Tears were flowing down both of our cheeks when mum smothered me in a tight hug and Bosco was smiling at me with suspiciously glossy eyes.
"Oh, baby! Do what you feel you have to do. Who am I to stop you after all?" she sniffled.
"My mum?" I said questionly. She laughed.
"Em, we already established, you're my daughter and no daughter of mine would allow anything to stand between her and what she wants even if that anything is her mother. I'm proud of you, Emily. Always were, always will be."
So, I went to the Police Academy next semester full of hope and youthful idealism determined like everyone else to change the world, find a partner and maybe a friend. Anything else could wait.