The Capitol. A massive city, home to the highest class of people in the world. Home to the viewers of the Hunger Games. Or in this case, the ultimate Hunger Games.
A crowd of eager, gayly dressed men and women sat below a long stage hidden in darkness. Then, like a strike of lightning, the stage lights turned on and illuminated the set.
In front of the crowd sat a circular platform. It was bright orange. On the opposite wall, a massive screen sat, large enough for all of the audience to see as well as the hosts of the show.
A wooden desk similar to one used on the news sat in the middle of the stage, and the hosts ran out from behind tall, red curtains.
The crowd clapped happily as Ron Burgundy, Seth Rogen, and Conan O'brien took their seats.
"Why hello, ladies and gentlemen," Ron Burgundy cooed.
The crowd exploded, roaring with excitement. Ron smiled and nodded at his co-stars.
"A-huh-huh-huh. I still can't believe I'm not high right now," Seth Rogen giggled.
Again, the crowd clapped.
Conan hopped up out of his chair and stepped towards the audience. His spit-shined shoes stood on the very edge of the platform, and he smiled slyly at the anxious crowd.
"The Ultimate Hunger Games were a real challenge for us. We did all we could to survive, and we had to get our hands dirty to be here today. And, although it was horrible, I have to admit it made one hell of a show," he said.
The crowd laughed.
"So after making it out of Candy Land alive, Ron, Seth, and I decided to make our own little production. We call it, 'The Ultimate Hunger Games: The Squeakuel.' We've gathered an elite group to fight in a unique battleground unlike anything you've ever scene. So let's fire this baby up!"
The screen burst to life, and Conan took his seat. Ron Burgundy stood up, and acknowledged his applause happily.
The screen showed a wide shot of a barren wasteland. A red sun beamed through a bleached, seeminly endless expanse of sand and dead seaplants. A rotten pineapple sat in the middle of it all.
Ron said, "We have successfully created a post-apocalyptic Bikini Bottom as one of our arenas. This new, horrifying world will present surprising challenges for our competitors as well as provide the maximum entertainment for you folks at home."
Ron swept his hand through his neat, brown hair as the screen showed a slowly rotating image of a young man in a leather jacket.
"Our first competitor has lead many fights for a revolution for mutant kind. He's got killer magnetic powers and a personality just as venomous. You can call him Magneto."
A clip played of Magneto hanging from a blackbird jet, his hand extended in front of him. From the ocean below, an entire Russian submarine was being lifted by Magneto's epic power.
The crowd cheered.
Ron Burgundy said, "Then we have a man as significant to American culture as myself... Movie star Bruce Willis!"
A squinty bald man crossed his arms and nodded confidently on-screen. A whole montage played of him shooting things and blowing them up.
The crowd roared.
"Then we decided to throw in a machine so game-changing that it's considered a competitor itself. It may not have a mind of its own, but Gypsy Danger is a weapon of mass destruction. There's a catch, however... The hundred foot mech needs two, count 'em! Two pilots to control. That means whoever uses Gypsy will need to form an alliance with another competitor in order to use him!"
The screen showed a massive blue robot being lowered by helicopter into the sands of bikini bottom.
Then a clip played of it smashing a monster over the head, using a boat as a sword.
"Next we have another actor, Will Smith!"
On screen, Will Smith nodded toward the audience.
The women wooed.
"Then we've got a true warrior. He used to work for Mung Daal's food service, but now he lives as a mercenary. The rock monster himself, SCHNITZEL!"
A furious, gray beast showed on screen. His head and neck were part of one, long tube. His arms were like tree trunks, and stretched from his scrunched shoulders to his short, stubby legs.
"Rada rada," he said on video while cooking up a meal.
"And if you thought that was cool, we also threw in the most beloved 'bot of all time! R2-D2!"
A clip of a round, trash-can like robot bumping into a wall played.
"After R2 we've got the director of SHIELD himself... NICK FURY!"
A furious man in a trench coat glared at the audience with his one eye. The other was covered by an eye patch.
"A nemesis of one of our fellow competitors, the Doctor, is next. Give it up for the Dalek!"
The crowd booed at the sight of a wide robot with a domed head. It had short arms that looked like cooking utensils.
"He knows everything that needs to be known: Sheldon Cooper!"
A tall, skinny nerd smiled awkwardly at the crowd.
"Live long and prosper... SPOCK!"
A clip of Spock doing the Vulcan hand gesture made the nerds in the audience whoop.
"He hates the world as much as it hates him. His name is Darth Maul!"
A horned, devilish Sith lord grinned with yellow teeth. A clip showed him standing in a crowd of Republic soldiers, lopping off heads with the two red blades on his double-sided lightsaber.
The crowd was speechless.
"He's not a real fun guy, is he? But our next competitor, DUMBO, is sure to bring some cheer!"
The crowd cheered as a delightful little flying elephant smiled on screen.
"The boy who lived, HARRY POTTER!"
Tweens in the crowd clapped the loudest, smiling up at a black-haired boy with glasses. He held a wand in his hand, and a confident smiler rested below a lightning shaped scar on the top of his face.
"Gamers know him and love him... MASTER CHIEF!"
A man in a green space marine suit nodded as clips of himself blowing up aliens played.
"Then we have Chef, the horrific cook from Total Drama Island!"
A ludicrous man glared at the crowd, a meat cleaver in his hand. Clips showed of his victims vomiting and rushing to the bathroom after each and every one of his twisted meals.
"A rapper and supporter of pot legalization... Snoop Dogg!"
Snoop danced to his music on screen, his dreadlocks brought back in a pony tail. He wore a pair of expensive glasses that sparkled.
"Another American actor and hero... Chuck Norris!"
Chuck Norris winked at the crowd, and they said nothing. He would more than likely be the victor of the games.
"He's not a rapper, he's an adapter! Eminem!"
The crowd applauded as an angry man glared at them from on screen.
"And his evil twin! Sliiiiiiim Shaaaaaady!"
The song "Slim Shady" played as a more ornery version of Eminem chuckled.
"He hates humans and that's why we chose him: Megatron!"
A beastly gray behemoth smiled with sharp teeth. His red eyes glared at the crowd, as clips played of him brutally demolishing Opimus Prime and his Autobots.
"Genius inventor and the man beneath Iron Man's armor... Tony Stark!"
A clever man held his chin thoughtfully. He winked at the camera, to the crowd's joyful amusement.
"She'll whine her way through these games and make songs about her relationships along the way! Miss Taylor Swift!"
A blonde girl smiled and played guitar on screen.
A collective, "Meh" rose from the crowd.
"She's supercalifragulisticexpialidocious... Mary Poppins!"
A bizarre, unseen clip of the beloved disney character played on screen. Neatly dressed and friendly as always, Poppins slowly descended from the sky, using her umbrella for transportation. She landed in the middle of a gang, and folded down her umbrella. One of the gang members, obviously an enemy of Poppins, lunged with a knife.
But Poppins held up her umbrella and it fired shots like a gun. Easily, she dispatched the entire gang and then took back into the skies.
The crowd clapped awkwardly.
"And the greatest kid ever... Numbah One!"
A bald, football-headed kid from the K.I.D.S. Next Door program frowned at the camera indifferently. He wore a red sweater too large for him and a pair of khaki shorts. Clips showed of him piloting home-made vehicles and battling evil scientists.
The crowd roared.
"This is gonna be a good one, folks! Enjoy the ride!" Conan shouted.