AN: Hi guys! so here it is, my very first attempt at a slash fic. I hope that you enjoy! I've got so many people to thank already because without them I probably wouldn't have had the guts to post this - Naelany and WhitlocksGirl who helped me get the ball rolling and MorganaL who is my super duper Beta! Thanks guys (",)
This fic is in Edward's POV and it will be for the whole story.
Now onto the main event...unfortunately I don't own the characters, Stephenie Meyer does...
Alice better appreciate this. I rolled my eyes to myself, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter as I slowed down; the car was practically crawling now at 20 mph. I forgot about morning traffic, it's a bitch. I hate driving slowly; I don't know how these nine-to-fivers do it everyday. I sighed as I came to a complete stop behind an Audi s4 convertible, the driver blaring out the sounds of Flo Rida. I rubbed my temples with my middle and index fingers; Alice BETTER appreciate this, I repeated to myself. It's not every day I'll take the time out of the few hours I get to myself to help out my twin sister in her clothing boutique. But today she's desperate for staff and I just so happened to be a little tired of composing, so I thought 'what the heck'.
Alice and I are very close; typical, non-identical twins. We used to be joined at the hip growing up; well, sort of, considering that I'm nearly a foot taller than she is, which she still complains about practically everyday. But she and I haven't had a chance to spend much quality time together recently, what with her being in love with my ex-best friend and those two now being inseparable.
She doesn't know the real reason why Jasper and I fell out two years ago, and to this day she keeps trying to force our friendship to re-kindle. To be honest I don't know why I never told her. I wasn't ashamed of myself; I was ashamed of him and of the fact that I did once call him my best friend. You think that you know someone when in reality you only know what they intend for you to see.
Jasper and I met in our first year of college; we shared a dorm and became best friends almost instantaneously as we quickly discovered how much we actually had in common. I'd known for a little while by then that I was definitely one hundred percent into guys but had only truly admitted it to myself fairly recently. In my mind, I had taken a huge step and the only people in the world that knew were my big brother Emmett and my twin sister. They both told me that they already had their suspicions and that as long as I was happy they would always be happy for me.
They gave me the confidence to go after what I really wanted in my life. The only problem was, at that moment in time what – or mainly who - I really wanted was unobtainable…Jasper.
It didn't take long for me to realise that I'd fallen in love with him, but with all those late nights being drinking partners and him telling me about his previous and current conquests it didn't take long for me to realise that I would never have him. Jasper was one hundred percent straight. End of discussion. Never had been and never would be with another man.
I didn't actually get the chance to ever sit down and tell him about my sexual preferences; it was something that he kind of just walked in on.
It was a Friday night and instead of having my usual night out at the student bar with Jazz I was in the dorm by myself while he was out on a date. I felt that familiar pinch in my heart as the thought that I could never be with the one that I loved played across my mind, knowing that he was out at that very moment, probably 'loving' that girl. I tried not to think about all that he could be doing with her and thought about the 'what-ifs'; like: What if he was with me? What if he loved me too? What if he wanted to fuck me as much as I wanted him? What if he dreamed of me filling his virgin hole at night while I lay across the room from him?
Ok, it was thoughts like that which continuously got me into trouble around him. The number of times that I had to hide my boner from him was beyond inconceivable. It was practically a full time job; I should have been used to that uncomfortable feeling of my dick straining against my thick jeans by now. But I wasn't; just thinking of him got me so hard, my body literally ached for him.
Deciding not to fight it that night, I sat on the edge of my bed after stripping myself of all my clothes. Jasper had warned me that he wasn't planning on coming home so there was no need for me to be discreet.
I let my hand ghost along the shaft from base to tip before slowly circling my index finger around the head of my dick. My mind started to wander: images of Jasper walking around in only his boxers, sporting his morning wood, entered my mind; his hair so messy that it could be mistaken for sex hair. God I wanted him, so bad. I let those images develop in my imagination.
I saw myself kissing up and down his body, licking and biting him in places that he never knew would create the reaction he was giving me. He'd be squirming beneath me and begging me to give my full attention to his engorged member. I could imagine the noises he'd make as I sucked it deep into my throat, giving him the best head that he's ever experienced while preparing him with my lubricated fingers, slowly massaging him. I'd carefully slip a finger inside of his tight hole and as I continued to both stretch and stimulate him he'd become more and more vocal, making it almost impossible for me to hold back any longer.
I'd crawl in between his open legs and pull them to rest over my shoulders. As I carefully slipped the head of my penis into his hole we'd both groan, revelling in the immense pleasure, knowing that this was where we were supposed to be. I'd slowly pump in and out as he became used to my size and soon we'd both be panting and grunting as the pace quickened.
As my imagination was overflowing, my hand was moving furiously along my length, my wrist circling as it reached the tip.Soon I could feel the familiar energy charging through my abdomen. I thought about how Jasper might look and sound while he was coming undone and was rewarded with my own release. My body shook as I exploded into my hand, grunting out Jasper's name as I had in my imagination. As I stood to get cleaned up, I was met with the shocked eyes of the star of my fantasy.
I groaned as I remembered that day -- the day that I found out that my best friend, the person that I loved from afar, was a homophobic prick. I understand that it must have been quite shocking to walk in on your best friend jacking off while repeatedly moaning your name but the things that he said to me that night were so hurtful and damaging to my self-esteem that I don't think that I can forgive him. We haven't spoken since that day. I moved out as soon as I could and crashed at Emmett's until I could get my own place.
I've never repeated what happened to anyone and I don't think that he did either. I hid the pain of losing my best friend and love from everyone; no one knew how much pain it caused me. Things became even worse for me when he and Alice started seeing each other. Was he trying to fuck with me?
Both Alice and Emmett could see that something was wrong at that stage and just assumed that I was having trouble in love and didn't want to talk about it. Emmett even offered to go to a gay bar with me to get me out of my rut much, to my amusement. I didn't take him up on his offer; I wasn't ready to put myself out there yet. Any confidence that I had built up in myself had quickly been cut down to size with the cruel words that had poured from Jasper's mouth. I just needed some more time.
And that is what I gave myself. After a few months I was able to come to terms with the fact that my sister and Jasper were a happy couple. It didn't mean that I was happy to see them together, but I could at least act civil towards him when we were forced to be within a two mile radius at family gatherings instead of letting him know that his words had made me hate him in a way that I never knew possible.
--------
Finally pulling up outside of Alice's store, I put the car in park and lazily stalked towards the front entrance. It wasn't opening time for another two hours and so I knocked and waited for her to let me in. She greeted me with the biggest smile on her face. How can she be such a morning person and me such a night owl? Sometimes it really doesn't make sense how different we are.
"Hi Edward! Thanks so much for doing this for me. You have NO idea how much you are helping me out today, it's ridiculous. Tanya told me that she would be back no later than yesterday and totally bailed on me with her shift last night. I'm going to have to fire her, I'm going to hate to do it but it has to be done. I can't keep covering her shifts like this and I know you're not going to be able to do this everyday but really--"
Okay, I had to stop her there. That's another difference between Alice and I; she didn't know when to shut up. I have to admit that I did love that about her, she could talk to anyone and be their friend instantly whereas I needed to warm up to most people before having a full on conversation.
"Alice…listen, no problem. I would say 'anytime', but I don't want you to take me too literally. But seriously, it's no problem."
Her smile brightened even more as she replied her thanks softly, beckoning for me to follow her.
"Okay, so I really need you to help with some of the new stock before we open up. We just got a delivery last night and I need the paperwork to be finished in the back office. Do you think you can do that for me while I run into town for my meeting?"
I rolled my eyes "Alice, you're acting as though I've never worked in the store before. Come on, drop me some slack."
She bit her lip and played with her hands; she was up to something. What, I had no idea, but I know that look anywhere. She seemed to relax as she let out the breath she was holding and led me to her office to show me exactly what she wanted done.
"Alright, so you're sure that you're going to be ok with everything, right?" I sighed exasperatedly before ruffling her hair and physically pushing her out of the office. "HEY, hey, watch the hair" she exclaimed, running away from me as I laughed.
"Alice, just leave, I've done this so many times that it's insulting that you're worried." This time, she rolled her eyes at me.
"Jeez, I was just making sure. I got someone coming in a little while to straighten out the front of the store before opening time and then they'll deal with the front until I get back so you won't need to worry…about…all of that…" She trailed off, biting her lip again. I shook my head, ignoring her weird behaviour.
"Ok ok, just get going. You're slowing me down…." She laughed as she made her way out of the store "Good luck at the meeting," I called after her.
"Thanks! Good luck to you, too!" She replied. Why on earth would I need good luck? I shook my head, thinking 'short little crazy lady' as I sat down at her desk.
----
I was a little way through my work for Alice when I heard the front door of the store open up. Guessing that it was her other helper, I didn't let that distract me from what I was doing. The quicker I got finished the quicker I could effectively be out of here.
I heard them lock the door behind them before moving on to straightening up around the front. I only took my eyes off of my work as they made their way into the office, speaking as they rounded the corner. As I came eye to eye with Jasper, only one word was able to pierce through my subconscious being – shit!
"Good morning Tan--" He spoke before he saw me. My breath caught in my throat as my mind registered that Jasper was standing in front of me. We both froze; his mouth was half open as he was in the middle of saying good morning to whom I assume he thought was Tanya.
He quickly recovered and straightened up, swallowing before greeting me with a simple "Edward". I lifted one eyebrow and nodded my greeting, waiting for him to leave the same way that he entered. He didn't; he just stood there and so we stayed in a staring match.
"Uh, what are you doing here?" His eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"If you haven't noticed, this is my sister's store. I don't need to explain myself to you…" He looked taken aback with my hostility. He was used to me being civil, but Alice wasn't here so there was no need to keep the peace to spare her feelings at this point in time.
"Yeah…There are a lot of things you don't feel the need to explain, am I right?" He crossed his arms over his chest. I could now tell that this was not only a bad idea, but it was Alice's bad idea. It was the reason she was acting all weirdish earlier on, she'd planned for us to be here at the same time conning us both into sharing this space. Another one of her 'Get Edward and Jasper talking again' schemes.
I really didn't have the emotional or physical strength for this right now. I was tired, tired of hating him and tired of how he still made me feel after all this time. I hated the fact that after everything that had happened, my body still reacted to him as it did when we were in college.
He was still staring at me, standing assertively and ready for a showdown of sorts. I came to the conclusion that this might be my one chance to get everything off of my chest and so decided to run with it. I started off cool and collected, trying to show a confidence that I didn't truly own. Hopefully he wouldn't see right through my façade and reduce me to tears as he did all those years ago.
"Jasper, I've never needed to explain anything, least of all to you. There are probably a million and one things that I could have explained but I am so glad that I didn't waste my trust on someone like you."
I looked at him with what I hoped looked like disgust, when in reality my stomach was clenching with so many nerves I couldn't feel much else. I could see my words processing as he took them in. "Someone like me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"What do you think it means? Swallow a fucking clue…" He looked at me incredulously before instantly replying.
"From you? Nah, I wouldn't know where it's been." Immediately, he closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his face as I recovered from what he'd said; trying not to read into it too deeply. He sighed, seemingly in resignation, before continuing. "Listen, Edward, I didn't mean that…"
"Really…" I feigned boredom as I attempted to get back to work. Hopefully he'd take the hint and just leave me the fuck alone. I seriously can't deal with this…with him… and not just right now, but ever. I never fully got over what went down that night and I just wasn't ready for this.
Instead of leaving he sat himself down in the computer chair on the other side of the room. What the hell was he doing? I stared at him in disbelief as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, looking down to the floor. As he was no longer looking at me I used this time to get a real look at him.
He'd filled out over the years. Jasper had always had a great body but I could tell that he'd put on a good few pounds in muscle since we were friends. His hair was slightly shorter, now reaching his ears, but was the same wavy texture that I used to dream of running my fingers through. His baby face was long gone with the arrival of a new chiseled jaw line covered with a small amount of stubble which made him look very distinguished. Realising that he still hadn't spoken or moved, I decided to speak up.
"What are you doing?" He looked at me through his lashes without lifting his head and started playing with his hands; a trait that he must have picked up from Alice.
"Edward, I owe you an apology. I don't want to fight with you…I never did." I stared at him dumbly, feeling as though I was in a parallel universe
"So…what? You just say homophobic remarks for the sake of it?" He closed his eyes and hung his head in what – if I didn't know any better- looked like shame.
"I didn't mean it," he whispered without moving. Now I was truly confused. I leaned back in my chair, trying to piece together what he was actually saying. I didn't get it.
"What?" I didn't particularly want to have this conversation and the fact that he was beating around the bush was starting to grate on my nerves.
"I didn't mean those things that I said to you…any of them." He spoke a little louder now staring me straight in the eye. It felt unnerving. The look that he was giving me held so much fire and emotion that I couldn't hold it for long. I straightened up in my chair and tried to get comfortable. I suddenly felt very out of place.
"…so why did you say them?" He shrugged, just fucking shrugged like we were in elementary school. I growled in annoyance and started to get back to my work.
"I was in shock…I was…scared, I guess." My pen stopped immediately.
"Scared? You were fucking scared?" I laughed. "You were scared and so you decided to verbally abuse your best friend. Your best friend who was petrified of coming out because of assholes like you." I was livid -- how dare he pull the 'scared' card? There was no way he was going to get away with that one but it seemed my shouting at him got his back up again, his vulnerable pose a thing of the past.
"How the fuck was I supposed to react? What would you do if you walked in on someone jacking off, fantasizing about you? I was confused enough; I didn't need you adding fuel to the fire!" He was standing up, looking down at me with blaming eyes.
"Wait, what? What do mean, you were confused?" I stood slowly, watching his reaction to my words as he realised what he had said. When it became obvious that he wasn't going to say anything I repeated my question. He abruptly turned and headed towards the office door. There was no way that this conversation was ending now; I needed to find out what he was talking about. I dashed in front of him and slammed the door before he had a chance to go through it.
"Edward, back off!" He spoke through his teeth aggressively, but I didn't move from the door. I needed to know what he meant.
"Fuck no, what are you talking about?" I spoke with conviction, trying to show him that I wasn't backing down. I wanted answers, but it seemed he wasn't prepared to give them without a fight. He pushed me away from the door but I quickly found my footing and pushed him back with a little more force, causing him to stumble back a couple of steps.
He retaliated with a swift punch to my cheekbone, leaving me seeing stars for a split second. As he tried to make a run for the door I pulled him back by the waist. I swung him to the floor before diving on top of him to stop him from moving. I was straddled over his waist, pinning his shoulders to the floor as he struggled to get free.
"Get the fuck off of me, Edward!" he shouted, still trying to get free; I was a little taller than he was and probably a little heavier because he couldn't move me.
"Not until you tell me what you're talking about. This is important. I need to know."
"I'm Bisexual!" he shouted, and I froze. "I'm fucking Bi, you happy now?" I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. I was literally frozen in shock and Jasper was panting heavily due to adrenaline beneath me. "No one knows, so…please, just…don't tell anyone."
This woke me from my haze. "Alice?" My voice croaked as I finally got off of him and sat opposite on the floor. He shook his head to my question.
"She doesn't know. No one knows" he repeated, staring at me pleadingly. We sat in silence for a few minutes, each of us thinking about the enormity of what had just been said and what it now meant for my sister and Jasper. He sighed before continuing.
"Edward, I really didn't mean anything that I said to you that night and I've regretted it ever since. Believe it or not, I've really missed you over the years." I looked at him disbelievingly. "I said them because I was scared and I felt alone. I was hiding from myself for so long, keeping my secret from everyone and I had no idea that you were gay. It was a shock to know that…"
He stopped, and realising that he was about to say something that he might not want to share, I egged him on. "It was a shock to know that what?" He hung his head so that we were no longer making eye contact.
"To know that we were sharing the same fantasies about each other…" he looked at me tentatively as my mouth dropped open in shock. "Edward, I wanted you from the first day that I saw you. I had to say those things to push you away. I was scared of what would happen if I didn't."
I stood up, not knowing what to do, where to look. My mind was running in overload; I was confused. I started to pace the room. "So, you mean to tell me that after all this time, you…" I couldn't even form the words to express what I wanted to say. He stood up also and took a few steps towards me.
"Edward, listen to me. I know that you don't owe me anything, but I'm begging you. Please don't tell Alice." That stopped me in my tracks.
"Alice, you're with Alice…but you said you wanted me? Why?"
"I love Alice, I do. I'm just not in love with her. But she was the only way that I'd be able to still see you…"
I ran my hand through my hair before closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. This was all too much for me, it was just too overwhelming. "Why didn't you just say something when you had the chance?" I whispered ."You have no idea what your words did to me…I...I loved you"
He froze and stared at me in repentance "Oh Edward…" he took a few more steps towards me and stopped a foot away, not knowing what to do now. "I'm so…" He reached for my face.
"Please don't touch me." I took a step backwards away from him and he nodded in acceptance.
"Edward, I'm not going to say that if I knew that, things would have been different back then but I do want you to know that it does make a difference to me now. I need to know ... do you think that you can forgive me?"
I cast my eyes downward, not knowing whether I was coming or going. He took this opportunity to close the remaining gap between us and successfully reached for my face, caressing it sweetly
"Edward, I'd really like to start again. Please give me a chance…" I couldn't take this; I turned to the desk and picked up my stuff, calling to him over my shoulder as I made my way out of the office.
"Tell Alice I'm sorry for not finishing the work but I'll call her later…" I dashed out of the store without a second thought of what I was walking away from.
So how'd I do? Don't feel shy, let me know what you think, whether you love it or hate it I'd really like to know :)
Musique