Sometimes I wonder if she realizes how much I still love her. It gets worse when I wonder if she still loves me. Most of the time I hope she doesn't, but I feel my heart clenching with pain anytime my mind starts playing with her name.

Calliope.

I still don't know what I did to deserve her in my life, but I did. She was there, with those loving eyes, that bright smile… We had everything we wanted. Perfect jobs, perfect lives… Then, I left. She remained here alone, fighting against a love she wished she'd never felt. When I came back, she hated me and she was pregnant. A dream of hers, a dream I couldn't satisfy. I loved her too much to let her go and I regained her in my life. I had a family, a family of my own. A girlfriend and a perfect little girl, waiting to come to this world. Then I wanted more, I wanted her to marry me. We were in a devastating car accident that almost took both my girlfriend and our daughter away from me.

Forever.

They are both fighters, though and made it through something that could have possibly killed them in an instant. I got to hold my daughter. I got to marry the love of my life, she was so stunning I could barely breathe on our wedding day. Then there was the damn plane crash, that took away my leg. For a couple of years, I thought it was her fault. She had promised me she wouldn't let them take my leg but, sometimes, we can't control infections and letting me keep my leg meant leaving me to die. In my mind, she'd done the cut, I never even thought that she couldn't possibly have done it. I stopped talking to her, I thought I'd stopped loving her. And I believe she thought that too. I just wanted to curl up in a ball of miserable pain and die. It felt like her fault and I needed to hate her. Pain was the only thing that I could feel. There was only one person I could bear to see.

Sofia.

Our beautiful daughter was the only thing to keep me from killing myself. Most of the time I didn't want to be with her, because I couldn't take care of her. I couldn't walk. I couldn't pick her up. I couldn't do anything. She couldn't be alone with me and it made me sick. Calliope never left my side, not even for a second. I used to scream a lot, I would yell at her all the time… Mostly for nothing. It was easier for me to have her carry my pain it, somehow, made me feel better. She wasn't even sleeping in the same house, I had forced her to go sleep in her dead best friend's bed because I couldn't bear the thought of having her around. I can't believe how angry I was. It was almost two years ago, but I can still remember the way she made me feel... The kind of rage I was experiencing felt like a thunderstorm.

Cruel.

I was cruel, more than angry. She tried everything she could to make me feel better, but I kept yelling and yelling. Then one night, I believe it was a couple of months after the crash, she came home and found me in the bathroom floor, soaking wet. I'd pissed myself. I think that moment made me realize how much she was suffering, because I saw her crying in front of me for the very first time. She picked me up and dragged me into the shower, where she opened the faucet and water started pouring down my face. I started yelling at her and she was yelling back, for the first time in months. I told her to go away, I was desperate for her to go away... I perfectly remember what she said.

There's nowhere else to go, this is my life now too.

It made me cry. It made me look at her in stunned silence, while tears poured down her face and water soaked the both of us. It made me think a lot, but it didn't make me stop feeling angry. Slowly and painfully, we started being us again. I thought I'd went back to my old life, with my precious daughter and my lovely wife. But it wasn't over, of course it wasn't. There were some days when I felt great, like nothing was bothering me... And other days when everything felt like collapsing and I seemed to forget how loved I was. I thought I'd stopped feeling angry, I thought I'd accepted my life as it was… But the truth was that I was still angry.

Angry.

One day I did something I never thought I'd do. There was this visiting doctor in the hospital who kept flirting with me… I told her off, explaining that I was married and that my wife was everything that I needed, but… I ended up sleeping with her. I thought I could keep it a secret, because I regretted it the second it was over. Calliope eventually found out and we went back on the yelling. It was storming outside and we were screaming at each other and I couldn't believe what I'd done. I felt my anger growing back inside my whole body and something was telling me that cheating on her was the right punishment for taking my leg. I yelled something at her I'll regret for my whole life.

You didn't lose anything. I did.

In that moment I realized that there was no coming back. I didn't even feel like I wanted to go back to being her wife, maybe it was right for me to live a life without her. It was difficult to handle Sofia at the beginning, because Callie couldn't stand me. I saw pain in her eyes anytime they met mine and it made me quiver. It was my fault, completely my fault and I found myself living in a hotel room while my wife and my daughter were sleeping in our house. I knew that it was my fault in our family was broken but... Didn't she start everything by making that call ? Then something happened, she was in a trail for malpractice… At that point, we were broken up, living our separate lives… But she asked me to go back home and I did. Why am I alone now, then ?

Why ?

Because she tried and tried again, but nothing worked. We went on therapy and it broke us. I thought it might help us, but it didn't. We had to stay thirty days separated and then see if we were actually meant to be… My heart was aching with love the morning we were supposed to be reunited, but… Hers wasn't. She'd felt free without me. She was better off without me.

I want you to feel free too.

It broke me, I felt as if she had hit me with a chair in the face. I felt awful, I felt like nothing mattered anymore. I was so sure about our love it made me feel like I could fly away… But it wasn't mutual. She'd stopped loving me and she didn't want to admit it. She used an excuse, telling me that she wanted me to feel free the way she did… But how could I feel free ? I felt trapped, trapped in a life I didn't want to live. I still do, as a matter of fact. My life is far from what I want it to be. When I was younger, I thought that my life was going to be me focused on my career, with nothing to distract me from it. Now my life does actually revolve around my job, but it feels empty and pointless. My life is supposed to have Calliope in it. I find myself dreading the time I get to spend with Sofia, because she's the only good thing I have left in this world. I remember those love songs that made me constantly think about my sweet Calliope… And now, only sad songs make me think about her. I feel lonely all the time, I feel like nothing matters anymore and the only reason why I'm still alive is Sofia.

"All I want is nothing more to hear you knocking at my door, 'cause if I could see your face once more, I could die a happy man I'm sure. When you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side. But if you loved me, why did you leave me ? Take my body, take my body. All I want is and all I need is to find somebody, I'll find somebody… Like you."