The fifth time he read the second line of Gwen's latest (most overdue, not most recent…) report without understanding a word of what she meant, Jack gave up.

"Ianto!"

Maybe it was written in Welsh cleverly disguised as English. He wouldn't put it passed them!

"Ianto!"

And, besides, he really needed coffee. And a biscuit. And Ianto's hot bottom.

"Iant-" Jack sighed, and pulled his earpiece out of the desk. No amount of shouting would raise Ianto if he was deep in the archives. "Hey, gorgeous, I could really use some room service up here," Jack said.

He waited for the pause, during which he knew from experience Ianto would be sighing and rolling his eyes before unmuting his mic to respond, probably with some unreasonably accurate ETA and the merest wisp of snark, detectable only to the expert listener.

Ok, the pause was running a little longer than normal. Jack quickly ran through a mental list of all the things he might have done in the last few days to annoy Ianto into delayed responses. He was sure Ianto was over that bloodied Weevil that ended up in the passenger seat of the SUV….

"Ianto?"

Nothing.

"Shit." Jack flipped open his wrist strap and called up Ianto's tracker. Boardroom. That probably meant dusting. Jack detoured on the way down there to Ianto's coffee station for a box of Jaffa Cakes… he knew how to meet a man half way!

Except, when he got there, the boardroom was dark and silent. Jack flipped on the lights to see if he'd just missed Ianto and heard something between a groan and a whimper from the corner.

"Ianto? What the hell happened?" Jack hurried over, trying to keep quiet in case whatever had done it was still lurking around.

"Turn it off," Ianto pleaded, barely able to whisper.

"Turn what off?" The adrenaline was already coursing, Jack could practically feel it suffusing his muscles, steeling for a fight.

"The lights. Please."

"It can't see us in the dark?" Jack asked, using his strap to kill the lights.

"What do you want, Jack?" Ianto croaked after a quiet moment, seemingly relieved by the dark.

"What do I want? I want to keep you safe… all of us -"

"No, why did you come looking for me?"

"Oh…. Uh, I just wanted a coffee break, and I, uh…. That doesn't matter now. What happened here? Are you ok?" It didn't look like there was any blood, but he'd trust Ianto Jones to clean up after his own dripping before passing out in the corner.

"I'll be fine. But I recommend Starbucks in the short term."

Jack wasn't sure if Ianto was joking. He seemed dead serious, even for Ianto. "I don't care about the coffee. What happened, Ianto? Is it still here? What was it?"

"Please shut up," Ianto begged. "You aren't making sense."

Jack was getting worried. Was Ianto delirious? Pain could do that, but Ianto had been through a lot of pain, Jack knew, and still kept focused.

"What hurt you?" Jack asked slowly. If there was something dangerous running loose in the Hub, he needed to contain it immediately. "Are you able to move? Although, this is probably a good place to stay if you can't…. What did this, Ianto?" Jack repeated.

Ianto looked up at him in confusion. "Serotonin levels?"

"Huh?"

"I don't know, Jack," Ianto whispered. "I'm not a doctor. Please don't ask me to move yet. And please stop talking."

"Ok, I won't ask you to move, but I need to know if there's something in the Hub that I need to stop," Jack whispered urgently.

Ianto stared at Jack through squinted eyes for a long moment before sighing and closing his eyes. "Bloody hell, Jack Harkness. It's a fucking headache."

"A head-… you mean, you weren't attacked?"

"No, Jack. No aliens. Just my head. Sorry to disappoint."

Jack felt the adrenaline ebbing away again and for a moment he almost did feel disappointed, until he looked at his stricken lover. "Did you take anything yet?" he asked softly.

"No. I won't be able to function once -"

Jack pressed a finger to Ianto's lips. "I've got someplace a lot more comfortable than this. Dark, cool, and quiet. And you're going to take something. I don't care if it knocks you out for the next 24 hours." Jack used his wrist strap to dim all the lights in the Hub to their lowest settings, then carefully lifted Ianto off the floor.

As soon as he got Ianto into his bunker, Jack insisted he take a strong pain pill and then got Ianto undressed and tucked in.

"Wnest ti moyn coffi," Ianto murmured thickly as the drugs kicked in.

Jack snickered silently. "Shh. Cysgu, cariad," he said, kissing Ianto's forehead before quietly climbing up the ladder and pulling the hatch closed. Jack sighed and resigned himself to going out for coffee. On the bright side, Ianto would never know he'd devoured an entire box of Jaffa Cakes by himself in one sitting….