Very short one-shot. It tickled my funny bone so I thought you might enjoy as well.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Harry Potter do not belong to me. They belong to Joss Whedon and JK Rowling, respectively...
I saw a guy with a "Joss Whedon is my God" t-shirt the other day. I'm kinda wondering where he got it...
As the man walked down the hill he took out a pen and clicked it open. He wasn't really watching where he was going while he checked off various boxes on the forms he held. They connected to a thick stack of papers using a paperclip that had been bent out of its original shape just from the sheer amount of information it was expected to hold. He shook his head a bit to get his hair away from his eyes, reminding himself that he was due for a haircut. Still he didn't look around, even when the sounds of furious fighting started to echo behind him.
He'd grown up with those sounds, the dull thwack of a hand/fist to the cheekbone, the higher wail of a scream as something (bone or skin) either broke or was split open. Of course, he maybe should have tuned in as the screaming spells rang out and the brilliant bursts of light started to dot the sky, but they were all on his blind side, he could be excused for missing this one. Though the girls probably wouldn't feel that way.
Especially after Willow would inspect the shields she set up for him.
The man had just taken a curse to the back that was supposed to rip open your skin and make your skeleton jump out. It wasn't instant death, but it was pretty damn close. Bellatrix had to duck out of the way as the red light that indicated the spell reversed and flung itself right back at her. She ducked, pity the minion behind her didn't.
Oops.
The man paused, looked up from his sheaf of papers and turned around to face the wizards who had been flinging spells at each other in a furious battle. He didn't look shocked at seeing them there, though obviously they'd just popped in from out of nowhere. He didn't ask if the circus was in town, though most of them were wearing masks over their faces. He sighed as he took in the wands, and the dead bodys that now littered the ground.
"You know, my job was to check these little boxes," he shook his head, tapping the pen against the stack of paper. "Check these little boxes that say this land is unspoiled and perfect for a Wiccan circle." He took a moment to look down at a body that had rolled down the hill and stopped near his feet. It had been a Death Eater, as evidenced by it's mask. "And it was. Perfect, that is," he cleared his throat and kicked the body at his feet with every evidence in enjoying it. "It was until you fucker's got here and started killing each other! I mean really? Did you have to go and do that? And then, of course, you try to off me… and let me tell you, many have tried, all have failed… and all that's gonna do is bring one pissed off Wiccan to my side faster than I can say, Twinkie."
Harry blinked, looked around, his finger's tightening on his wand in anticipation of the next attack.
"Twinkie," the man sighed, dropped the papers and rubbed his fingers over his eye, then plucked it out of his head. "I put in the wrong damn eye this morning." He shrugged and replaced it, then smiled. "Sorry, forgot, new code word. Twinkie was making her pop up all the time. I told her that she shouldn't choose my favorite snack food as an emergency word." He looked over at Harry and pointed to Bella.
"Bad Guy?" he asked. Harry could only nod. "I'm only asking because I have to verify storys before I cut people up," he was very pleasant about it. But then he turned to Bella and pointed at Harry.
"Bad Guy?" he asked.
"Bite me Muggle." She replied with a surprisingly correct muggle insult.
"Now that wasn't nice," he unclicked his pen, which Harry now noticed hadn't left the mans hand when he dropped the paper, and tossed it at the snarl-haired Death Eater.
It dropped to the ground at her feet; then it exploded. Harry though he saw her wand hand flying over his head before he realized that all of the ground in a good thirty meter circle had been blown, while he and his friends were untouched.
"Name's Xander," the man bent to pick up his papers and grimaced at the amount of work he'd done for no good goddamn reason. "There's gotta be a faster way to do this," he muttered before approaching Harry with his hand out to shake.
"Harry," he shook.
"Did we get everyone?" Ron asked as he opened his eyes. The flash on detonation had been bright, and he'd been looking right at it.
"Yeah Ron. If you want we could spend the next three days putting all the pieces back together, or we could just grab the damn locket and go."
"It didn't explode?" Xander asked. He was pretty sure the amount of magical explosive in that pen had been enough to obliterate everyone and everything not in the protection charm he'd set up as he dropped the paper earlier as a distraction.
"It's an evil piece of soul. It's not that easy to destroy," Hermione glared.
Xander couldn't help himself.
"Have you tried an active volcano?"