Severus Snape's Advice Column
AN: Hello! Nice to see you all again after my incredibly long hiatus. This little idea popped into my head the other night and wouldn't die. The basic plot premise is that you, the readers, will write in to the 'Severus Snipes' column for Witch Weekly, and Dear Old Snapey will reply with his trademark snark. Feel free to ask anything! Whether it is about your life or his (especially his romantic one, you shippers!), the wonderful contract I wrote up will force him to answer it one-hundred percent honestly. Be aware, however, that the author is not responsible for permanent emotional injury caused by Snape's creative answers.
Dear Dunderheads,
Due to the premature death of the previous columnist for this trashy rag, I have been forced by Headmaster Dumbledore to step in for him until a "quality replacement" can be found. That means that I must spend my time listening to you sniveling cowards whine about how life isn't fair. Unfortunately, part 423-b of my contract specifies that I am not allowed to 'murder, torture, and/or maim in any fashion' any of you. How unfortunate. Anyone who subscribes to this junk deserves to be fed to an Acromantula.
I am also under a magical oath to truthfully answer any question given to me as long as it isn't completely asinine or pointless. Example: 'Who is Harry Potter?' If you have not heard of Harry Potter, then I suggest you refer to St. Mungo's, not Witch Weekly, for answers to your problems. And, rest assured, if anyone mentions my personal life, I will search unceasingly for a legal loophole that would allow me to flay them alive and use them for potion ingredients.
Send your inane questions to the Editor via Private Message or Review, and I will give my uncensored opinion in the next issue.
Sincerely,
Prof. Severus Snape, Potions Master