Chapter One

I'm being watched. He's been trailing me for days now. Not sure how many days though. They all seem to bleed into each other. After days of waiting to be attacked, I know what to do. I'm going to kill myself. It's not the rash decision of someone who's given up hope. No. I've been thinking about it all year. The Virus wiped out most of the population three years ago. The lack of food, medical care, law enforcement, blah blah blah killed most everybody else. It's been bad. Real bad. For a real long time. But I was a fighter. A fool. I believed that all we had to do was stick together. Be smart. Watch each other's back. And most of all not lose hope. I truly believed that if we did all these things we'd survive. Like I said, I was a fool. There were six of us. All girls. We went to school together. Hell, we barely knew one another in the beginning. We were thrown together by circumstance. In the end, we became a family. Each one willing to die for the other. And we did. We died. Some got sick. Some got hurt. Some were caught by the gangs. One by one we fell. Each death whittling away our hope. And then suddenly it was just me. I lived when all my friends died. So, this is not just some rash decision of someone that's giving up on fighting. I had hope, I had faith. But they all died. And now, now someone's following me. To get caught by someone is to die. And die badly. And if I am to finally die, today, then I die by my own hand. I've been thinking about it for a while anyway. It's time.

I stop at a huge tree. It's beautiful. It's been in the forest a hundred years. It'll live a hundred more. I stand in its shade a moment looking up into the sky through its leaves, then I put my back to its trunk and slide down to the ground. The bark lifts up my shirt and scratches my back on the way down. I wince at the pain. This is it. I pull the knife out of my sock. It's a nice pocket knife. My dad bought it for me. It's pink. Hello Kitty. And, it's very, very, sharp. I roll up my sleeves, and lay the blade along my right wrist. About an inch down from my hand, there's a line already there for me to follow. The world goes bleary and I realize that I'm crying. I put the knife between my teeth and swipe my eyes with my rolled up sleeves. I don't want to cry. I don't want to die crying in woods. I may be outta hope but I still have pride. I pull myself together. I take the knife to my wrist again and start to hum. It's a jaunty little tune and seems vastly inappropriate. So, I hum it louder. Before I can reflect on how my humming has taken on an hysterical edge, I forcefully drag the blade across my wrist. And then, quickly, the other one. It hurts a lot. Shit! It really hurts. Where's a hot bath when you need one. Well…spilt milk I suppose.

I lean my head back and watch the sky through the leaves again. It's summer time. I guess. Or spring. It's warm. The birds aren't singing. But they haven't sung in long time. I almost wish they would. Sing. It's getting cold. I'm getting cold. I cough. It's getting darker and darker. I suddenly think of Bugs Bunny and laugh. I'm still laughing as the world goes black.

When I come to, it's dark. I'm lying in my sleeping bag. Propped up on something , so i'm sorta sitting up but not. There's a fire. It's huge. I haven't sat by a fire in so long. You don't build fires anymore. They attract people. My mouth is dry. I look down at my wrist and they're wrapped in bandages. I feel dizzy and thirsty. And I feel very much living. It seems my little stalker has saved me. That son of a bitch.

Chapter Two

When I come to again, it's morning. I think. It's light out, but it's not hot yet. So…morning. I sit up. My stomach cramps immediately. I've not been this hungry in a long time. I reach to the left for my backpack but instead I pull back to inspect my wrists. It takes some time to get the bandage off but when I do I'm speechless. My wrist is almost healed. I mean it still has a gash in it, but its scabbed over. And with no stitches that I can see that means I've been out longer than one night. A look around tells me I'm not at my suicide tree. But, that's all it tells me. I don't really know this forest well. I could be ten yards away from where I was. I could be miles away. I've got to get out of here. I stand up and the world tries to spin me off it. I put my hands to my head, squeeze my eyes shut, and wait for the spinning to stop. It takes a while. I make it maybe four glorious steps forward, before my legs give out from under me and I go down. The ground is racing up to meet me, and there's not a thing I can do to stop it. I'm inches away from face planting on the forest floor when I'm grabbed from behind. The last words I hear before it all goes black…again, are, "I've got you".

Not comforting.

When I come to again my savior is sitting across from me. It's daytime. The sun is bright even in this clearing and it's warm out. It's the same clearing. If I'm lucky it's the same day. The man sitting across from me is my age. Twenty something…? He has brown hair, cut very short, like army short. He has a dark grey shirt and jeans on. Giant army boots. He's tall, even sitting I can tell. He's built like an athlete, a swimmer, but broad across the shoulders. This more than anything frightens me. You see, there are no more guns. They took care of that in the beginning. At first, they just confiscated them. But, everyone knew people still had guns. They destroyed all the guns on the market too. Then when it got worse, they traded guns for food and gas and medicine. In the end, everyone gave up their guns. What was the point anyway. 83% of the world population was gone. No one wanted to fight anymore they just wanted to survive. In the end, we answered the worlds' oldest question. How do you stop the world from fighting? Take away everything worth fighting for. No guns mean the strongest rule. I'm strong. I had to be. But, I'm strong for a girl. This guy has 50 pounds on me easily. Solid muscle. In this world men are bad, all of them, as a rule, are bad. I've stayed alive this long because I haven't come across any. And now here I am, injured, weak, and all alone with a man twice my size. Huh, so this is what terror feels like. Nasty.

Chapter Three

"I'm not going to hurt you".

I give him the look that comment deserves. I mean come on. This is the apocalypse. What does he have in mind, a nice game of Scrabble with the last vagina in London. Not likely. I read.

"I saved your life."

Yes he did. I punch him in the face as hard as I can. I think I break my hand in the process.

His nose isn't even bleeding. I don't even think he'll bruise. He gives me a look I probably deserve. Then we just sit in silence. I don't really have anything to say.

"I have a place that's safe. My mates and I have been working on it for years. It's totally safe. There's plenty of food and water too. It's just the four of us. I was sent to find others. Good people. Sane people. That's why I had to follow you. Had to make sure I could bring you back with me."

"And this utopia is where?"

"About four days walk from here, in Epping."

"Tell me about this place?"

"I can't. I've told you all I can. I still don't know if I can trust you. Come with me. I'll show you. If you don't like it, you can kill yourself again."

"Asshole"

"You punched me in the face"

We sit in silence so more. What he says sounds good. Too good. A safe place, fortified. Stocked with food and water. Safety. Real safety after all this time. If it wasn't four guys and I wasn't alone I might consider going with him. I know the answer already but I ask anyway.

"What would I be expected to do, if I went with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're being an asshole again"

"It'd be a partnership. We take care of you, you take care of us. We hunt in these woods. We keep our home, and surrounding lands safe. We have a huge garden. We work all day long. Everyday. But, for what. To what end. We realized we had everything and nothing. Then one day this girl wanders onto our land. She's half dead. Starved. Out of her mind with fever. We brought her home. We worked to save her day and night. After four days she died. It was horrible. But, for four days, for four days we had purpose. We brought her food, read to her, took care of her. When she died it was, like a hundred times worse. We just sort of stopped doing anything. We were going to burn the whole place down. Go our separate ways. But then Simon, he says, let's find women to bring back. We have everything a person could want. They'd be safe. Happy. We'd be happy. Jay was the one who came up with the sex stuff. He figured that if we did all the manly shit, stuff, sorry, the girls would want to, you know thank us. Now, don't look at me like that. I didn't say I agreed. But he had a point, sorta. Why couldn't we find women, make them an offer and see where it goes. I'm not saying sex slave here. I'm saying, come check out our set-up. See that its safe and permanent like. And then, if you like it, if you like it, think about our offer. Look, we were hoping to find four girls. But, it's been months and you're the first one I've seen that wasn't ape shit crazy or half dead. Seriously, is what we offer so bad. We're four good, normal, healthy blokes, looking for someone to take care of. This is humanity at it's basest. Just come with me, check it out."

"please…"

"I saved your life…"

As I sit here, I realize that what he said isn't entirely horrible. Right? I mean it is the apocalypse. But could I do it. Sleep with guy I didn't know, didn't love, all for safety. I look across from me to the young man again. He's not what I would call attractive. He's way too big for one. I was never one for the jock types. His skin is clear. His clothes are clean. He smells kinda nice actually. His hands are big. Placed on his lap as he waits my answer. His nails are clean.

"Smile" I command.

He does, without question. He just grins ear to ear. His teeth are straight and clean and white and perfect. He has a stupid smile. Like a dim chimp, and I cant help but smile back. He isn't so bad. Maybe the others aren't either. I must be crazy. That's it. In my attempt to kill myself I've lost my faculties.

"I'll come with you"

He grins like a moron again.

"But if I can't do it, you'll let me leave?"

"Yes, totally, we wouldn't kill you or nothin"

"That's reassuring, thanks"

He turns around and starts taking stuff out of a bag I hadn't seen till he grabbed it.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm fixing you lunch"

Oh.

Chapter Four

"What's your name?"

"Neil"

What's yours?"

"Kimber"

"You mean Kimberly?"

"No my name is Kimber!"

"What an awful name"

"What?!"

"Look…I'm…no…that's an awful name. Seriously"

"I can't believe you. I tell you my name…"

"A ridiculous name…"

"I tell you my name…trying to be civilized…make a connection…"

"It's got to be the most shit name ever…I mean seriously…did your parents not realize you were going to grow up…and be, like, a grown woman named…named Kimber!"

"I hate you right now"

"It's the apocalypse and your name's Kimber"

"Fuck you"

"Kiiimmmber"

"Seriously go fuck yourself"

"Kimber wants me to go fuck myself."

Chapter Five

It's been two days since I met up with Neil. We're working our way through this forest. It's gotten more overgrown. Growing more wild, and dangerous as we go along. He's assured me that that's why they built on this land. He says no one in their right mind would bother coming this far out, not now. The land is thick with huge trees, giant roots, rolling hills, and valleys. There's potential danger in every step. We have to move slowly or risk twisting an ankle on the uneven ground. It's about midafternoon. The sun is high, and despite the tree coverage it horribly hot, growing more humid by the hour. We have two more days of hiking to go before we reach our destination.

Our destination being an abandon rehabilitation center, secretly located in the Epping Forest. Neil says that before the Virus, the Rehab place was one of the most exclusive in the country. Totally secluded. Celebrities and wealthy people adored it for is offered discretion. They could come, get sober, in totally luxury, and move on, without the public knowing a thing. Apparently, Jay's dad was a contractor there. When the virus hit, and the place shut down, Jay's dad brought his son and his son's now orphaned friends to hideout there. He figured they had a better chance of survival away from civilization. He was right. But about two years ago Jay's dad died. He got sick, he died. That's how it happens now. Without doctors and hospitals, without diagnosis and treatment, x-rays and chemo, you get sick in this world, real sick, you die. So he died and left them to continue the work of making what was once a rehab center for the rich into a fortified survival compound. Neil says it has independent water sources, gardens, and is completely secure. There's more, but that's all I've been able to get out of him so far. I'm certain by the time we arrive at "Clover Hills", I'll know everything there is to know about it.

As I trudge after Neil, I can't help but reflect on what I've learned about him so far. He's twenty five, one year older than me. He was raised in the suburbs. He's funny. And Sweet. And knows the name of every tree in this forest. He always holds my hand when we come to particularly dangerous walking or climbing. He asks me how I'm doing at least once an hour. He does all the cooking and setting up camp. Entertains me with stories from his childhood or funny problems his friends have encountered at their new home. The more time I spend with him the more I grow to like him.

But, I don't trust him? Not yet. There are times that Neil makes me feel uneasy. When his touch is too intimate. When his gaze is too heated. Moments when, suddenly I'm aware that Neil is a very lonely and possibly desperate man. And not only am I all alone with him, but I'm one my way to meet three others like him. That's what it boils down to, I'm here to assess if I can sleep with Neil and when I meet them, his friends, Jay, Will, and Simon. In trade for a safe haven. It's an odd and strained situation to say the least.

Am I attracted to him? I don't know? I think I am. I wasn't at first that's for sure. He's too tall. Too broad. Too…too…overwhelming. He's loud. And strong. And very, very, male. I always went for the quiet small guys. The smart tiny bloke. The artist, the thinker. Neil's a hunter. A hunter, gatherer, all the way. There was a time when I would have meant that as an insult. Not now. Watching him, watching his eyes dart around our surroundings, taking everything in, reaching his hand back to help me across some uneven path, his muscles corded and straining under his clean white t-shirt, no, hunter-gatherer-protector, is a worthy title. With my hand in his callused one, climbing up a hill, I wander, could I make love to this man? What would it be like? Would he be gentle like now, or would he treat me like an object. I guess that's my biggest fear. If I do this, give myself to him, to the others, will it be mutual or will it become something else. Would they let me keep my pride? I mean, how strong will my power over them be, having what they want/need so desperately? Let's face it, I know that if he so decided he could just turn around and take me, by force, right here, on the forest floor. And he knows it to. But. But! I also know that I could make him beg for my love, my attention, my sexually favors. I somehow know this with complete certainty. And so does he. And so…we continue on. Both of us pretending. Both of us knowing. Both of us afraid.

Chapter Six

We've just cleared the hill. He turns to me, his lopsided smile beaming. And for just a moment, he's beautiful.

"It's going to rain"

"Oh?"

"We can shower"

"What?"

"You don't shower when it rains?"

"No. I don't strip naked in the woods and shower in the rain"

"…?"

"Female. Woods. Alone. Unsafe."

It takes way too long for comprehension to dawn on his face.

"OOOOh. Yeah. Right."

"Well, I'm here now, you're safe."

Oh my god. He's so sincere I could cry. It's so hot. The humidity so oppressive. I'd love to shower in what will no doubt be cool crisp rain. But I hesitate. I can't risk pushing my boundaries with Neil. I think nudity would push his tightly held control too far. What would I do if he snaps. He senses my hesitation.

"Look, I'm cool. I'm not a caveman. We can shower together and I'm not gonna pounce you"

There's hurt in his voice. I'd feel worse if he hadn't voiced my exact fears.

"How 'bout I go over there and you stay here?"

"No. Don't want you that far away from me. We aren't safe till we get home"

"Well I'm not taking a shower in front of you. Sorry"

He ponders this. Once again it strikes me how hard he's working to work this out. His face is all scrunched up. He's thinking so hard. I don't think he's capable of nefarious thoughts. Literally. In fact I'm pondering what Neil's IQ might be when he suddenly jerks up. He snaps his fingers as an idea hits him. Wow.

"I've got it."

"You do?"

"Look, you stand here, and face this way…and I'll stand over here and face this way. We both promise not to look."

He takes four paces back from me. It's about three yards. It seems like a good idea. Simple. Just don't look. This is my chance to see if I can trust him.

"OK"

"Really?"

"Yeah"

It's the lopsided grin again. He digs in his backpack and produces two bars of soap. Real life soap. Oh my. I haven't had soap in…I don't really know how long. I just scrub in a river or stream when I find one. But soap. I grab hold of the soap and press my nose into the bar, breathing as deep as I can. Oh god it's fancy. FANCY SOAP! It smells like flowers and oranges. And it's got bits of petals and stuff in it.

"Where did you get this?"

"The soap? From the house. Told you, it was a high-end resort slash rehab. We've got lots of stuff like that. The center has storage rooms full of fancy stuff like that for women."

I just gape at him. Storage rooms full of soap. Shampoo. Lotion. Tampons. Sweet Mary and Joseph. I could be a girl again. I could feel pretty again. The full weight of what they have to offer settles on my shoulders. They're not just offering me safety and food. They have beds with clean sheets, running water, baths, routine, comfort. They offer me…home. And in that moment I decide I'm going to do it. I'm going to except their offer. I will be a companion to them. I will take care of four lonely men as they take care of me. No more over thinking it. It's simple. We both have what the other needs. So simple.

My moment of clarity is interrupted by the first raindrops of the storm. And it is going to be a storm. The clouds have turned dark grey. The forest floor has darkened. The air is still humid and hot though. Without hesitation, Neil spins around and starts undressing. He's shirtless, shoeless, and pulling down his jeans, no underwear, before I realize that I'm staring. I turn around, face burning and begin to disrobe.

I ball my clothes up into a tight ball and tuck them under my backpack that I've sat on top of a falling log a few steps away. I risk a look over my shoulder to insure I have privacy before turning in circles with my arms raised to get wet. The rain feels amazing. It's cool to my overheated skin. The forest around me smells so clean like wet earth and pine. I lather up my body as I wait for my hair to get wet enough to wash. It feels so good to scrub the sweat and dirt from my limbs. I wash my hair. Working in the soap, foam falling in my face. I scratch at my scalp. Scrubbing it clean. My head feels two pounds lighter. I rinse in the rain and scrub my body a second time. I hate the hair under my arms. My legs. But I bet they have razors at Neil's home. I wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes and raise my head to the sky. I revel I the feel of the rain washing it all away. I realize that my stomach is flat. Soft and curved but no longer round. I run my hands along my thighs, there smooth and muscled now. I used to be bigger. My body has changed. Being in the woods for months, hiking, foraging, has honed it into something different. I'm in awe of my new physique. I look down at myself and have to hold back a laugh. I'm kinda freakin hot now. I almost wish Neil would turn around and see me. I'd like to see his reaction to my body. Would he find It pleasing. I look over my shoulder again to find Neil is facing me, full on, mouth agape.

I turn toward him, angry.

"What are you doing?"

"You promised you wouldn't look"

He says nothing. His right shoulder has soap cascading down it, being washed away by the rain. The soap is at his feet on the ground. Forgotten. His hand still poised over his heart like he just dropped it. His body is nothing but taunt skin over muscle. I've never seen the like. His build, is like that of a swimmer, just like I thought when I first saw him. But different. His shoulders are impossibly wide without a shirt on. His stomach just ripples of bulges. His belly buttons a slight outty. And his…Oh MY God! His penis! I've seen exactly three adult penises in my lifetime. Two were models I had to sketch in an art class I took right before the Virus and the other was my last boyfriend. Also before the Virus. After months of begging I finally agreed to give him a blow job. It was my first. He said I was terrible. I promised myself I'd never do it again. Out of my vast penis knowledge I've never seen anything like his. It must be twice the size of my exes'. It's pointing straight up towards his odd little belly button. It's bobbing, flexing up slightly. It's dark red. It looks angry and…and…painful. Looking at it, somehow I know it's got to hurt. My eyes go to his face. The emotions flitting across it are too much. Lust I was ready for, but his face is raw need. He takes a step towards me. Pure "want" personified. I'm like a deer caught in headlights. Can't move. Need to move. NEED to run. Shit. But, he only takes two steps then stops.

"Please. Don't run"

Perceptive.

"Neil!?"

"Please"

His face is pleading. His hand outstretched. I know what he's asking. But..I'm afraid. I'm not ready. I had no idea…I thought It would just be sex. But looking at his face, not his body, his face, what he wants from me is soooo much more.

"Pleeeaase"

All I have to do it take his hand. He's standing in the rain, water pouring down his perfect body, pleading for me to come the final step to him, and I can't. I'm so scared. I can't even begin to name my fears.

There are just too many.

"Pleeeaaase"

He hisses the word. So softly. So desperate. And I do nothing. My arms wrapped around myself. My eyes on his twitching member. Carefully avoiding the raw emotions on his face. He starts to lower his hand and I look up at his face. There are tears in his eyes. I know it raining, but I know those are tears, and It's not just that his eyes are rimmed in red, it's that I'm crying too. My pulse is in my throat. There's no turning back. This is where I decide. Decide for real. Once I take this step, I know there's no going back.

I take his hand and take a step forward.

Chapter Seven

I step into his arms. He pulls me in tight and just holds me. I can feel his heart slamming into my chest. It's beating as fast and as hard as mine.

"Say yes"

I nod.

"No. I have to hear you say it. Say it out loud. And mean it. Tell me yes, and mean it. You can't chicken out. Or change your mind later. "

I pull back and look him in the eyes. Nothing but naked emotion in his gaze.

"Yes"

"Yes?"

"Yes!"

"Are you sure? Cuz I swear I won't be able to stop once I start."

"I said yes! Geez!"

"I Kimber, swear, to let you, Neil, make love to me here in the forest, in the rain, hopefully before I get pneumonia."

"Please don't say your name again. I might lose my erection"

"And…I'm putting back on my clothes"

"No. Wait"

He drops to the floor and starts going through his bag. He pulls out the blanket we use to eat on during meals, and spreads it on the forest floor. He continues to fish around in his bag for something. Getting more agitated as he digs.

"What are you looking for?"

"Huh? Oh. Condoms"

Oh. Reality. My heart kicks up a notch.

"You don't have to. Remember. I have two more years.

"Ohhh"

I can tell he'd forgotten. When the Virus was starting to take its toll on the population the scientist figured out just how many people would die, they decided to make this huge survival/rebuild plan. All women were to get one of those birth control shots that last five years. That way, in theory, none of us surviving women would be pregnant while we tried to rebuild society . Whatever. I had two more years of infertility.

"Kimber's a beautiful name, dick. And besides, nothing could get rid of that monster between your legs."

The change of subjects was too fast for him, I wait for him to catch up. Understanding lights his face. He smiles that dumb smile I'm growing to love.

"Yeah, it's pretty bad huh?"

"Is it as painful as it looks?"

"Haha. Yeah"

He kneels on the blanket and pulls me down to my knees before him.

"No turning back"

I bite my lip and look at the giant erection between us. Now or never. I nod my head.

"No turning back. I promise"

Chapter Eight

I lay back on the blanket. The soft grass underneath making it very comfortable. The blanket is heavy plaid, too thick for the wet grass to soak through. Neil is leaning over me, his open hand a cradle for my head. His other hand resting on my hip. It's just drizzling now, the sun coming back out. I still have to blink away the odd raindrop as I gaze up at him. He notices and shifts so his face is directly above mine. And, that small act makes me want to love him all the more.

He leans in to kiss me and I realize this will be our first kiss…