This is pure crack. Sorry if the characters are oc, this is my first MCU story I ever wrote and Tony's snark is really hard to write. Anyway happy Valentine's Day!

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Steve, as long as he lived, will never accept a present from Tony ever again.

"Oh come on gramps, stop being a stick in the mud and just enjoy it."

Steve glared over at Tony, whose hands were on… Oh Lord… If possible Steve's face got even redder.

"So innocent," a sultry voice said in front of him.

He felt something soft on his lap, causing him to stiffen. Maybe if he held very still, this would all go away. A hand grabbed his chin and turned his head forward.

"Don't be scared Steve. You're going to get the best experience ever."

Steve really did try to keep his eyes on her face, it wasn't polite to stare, but he felt his eyes drift down the woman's body. Huge creamy naked breasts with pink pointy nipples were in his face, her crotch was very close to where his groin area was though that part of her was covered with a flimsy black thong that he could see through. His eyes snapped back to her pretty face, before looking away,

"Please ladies, I don't need a lap dance."

The super solider heard Bruce's voice and craned his neck over the woman's shoulder to see the doctor trying to fight off three exotic naked looking females that was grinding on him. He had a green tint to him, which seem to excite the woman even more. If Steve wasn't so annoyed, he would've found the site funny.

He felt a hand scratch his scalp, causing him to jump.

"So Captain, are you a breast man or an ass man?" another female whispered in his ear from behind.

"Uh…" His brain short circuited when he felt the woman's breasts cradle his head between them.

"I say he's a breast man Desiree, right Stevie?" the woman in front of him said, jiggling her breasts in his face.

The woman behind him, Desiree, snorted. "Please, London. He's an ass man, right Captain?" she cooned, ghosting her finger around his neck.

This was torture.

Pure torture.

The worst thing about this "party" was the fact that he couldn't leave, He was shacked to the chair he was sitting on. Whatever material Tony used to keep him was working. It was working on Bruce too. They tried to break free of their cuffs earlier, but it didn't work. When this was over, he was going to kill the genius.

Slowly and painfully.

"He's an ass man ladies." Tony said, distracted. He was busy looking at the stripper in front of him dance, but wasn't too busy to hear the conversation the two ladies were having.

London glared at Desiree smug smirk.

"Blondie, come over here and entertain me for a while." The genius said, cocking his finger and motioning her over, all without taking his eyes off the dancer in front of him.

London huffed, flick her platinum blond hair behind her and got off the soldier's lap. She felt a little disappointed that she didn't get a rise out of the Avenger, but then again Tony Stark was calling her over and she wouldn't miss that for the world. She blew a kiss at Steve before sashaying her way over to the Billionaire.

Before the blond could relax his guard, the other stripper, Desiree, was in front of him. She was just as beautiful as the last one; dark chocolate color skin, curly afro and she had on some blue see through thing that had Steve averting his eyes.

"No, no, no Captain. Eyes on me." She said seductively.

He kept his eyes stubbornly averted.

She chuckled. "Fine, be that way, you'll look soon enough."

At the corner of his eye, he saw her take off the bottom half of her outfit, turn around and bended over so he could see everything.

Dear Lord in heaven.

"I know you're looking on the sly. Don't be shy and just enjoy it."

Steve was really tired of hearing that. Ever since this farce started, people have been telling him to relax, enjoy; it was getting annoying.

Desiree started shaking her ass right in front of his face. His eyes snapped to the opposite wall and stayed there. He was not going to look. Really.

But then she started grinding on his lap; he could latterly feel the heat of her core right over him.

"You're enjoying this more than I thought." Came her husky voice as she moved over his semi-hardness.

Well he has been aroused since the beginning, but he's been controlling it… mostly. He cursed himself as his eyes rested back on the woman. Her ass cheeks were going up and down, one cheek at a time. He was fascinated, in spite of himself. Despite what Tony said earlier, he really didn't have a preference on a female.

His hands flexed, he wanted to touch-

He stopped that thought in place and thought of Howard naked. And Tony. That always turned him off. He wasn't as good as hiding his earlier fantasy as Tony called out, "That's the sprite Capsicle. You're finally warming up."

Steve snapped his eyes away from the dancer's ass with a guiltily look just as JARVIS spoke.

"Sir, Nick Fury is on the line. He says it's urgent."

The robotic voice made the girls jump.

Tony cursed as Steve inwardly cheered. He's never been so happy to receive a call from Nick.

"Sorry ladies, party's over."

There were whines of protest.

"Do we have to go?" one of them asked with a pout.

"Yes. This is an important call with you know saving the world and all." Tony said as he put a crisp hundred dollar bill in the thong of the stripper on his lap before he set her aside. His hair was messier than usually, lip stick stains smeared all over his face and neck and his shirt was unbutton.

The woman reluctantly put back on their clothes. Desiree got up from Steve's lap with a disappointed sigh. It was just getting fun. Instead of putting back on her bottom half of her outfit, she took it inside the super soldier's pants pocket with a wink. "Something to remember me by. Happy birthday." She walked over towards the other girls who were gathering their coats. She felt the blond's eyes on her back, but she didn't turn around.

As soon as the girls cleared out, Steve's cuffs came undone and Nick Fury's face appeared on one of the screens Tony has around the house.

He took in the scene; Steve with underwear hanging from his pocket and lipstick on his cheeks. Banner's shirt was gone and he had bite and scratch marks all over him. Tony was Tony as he greeted SHIELD director casually.

"Hey there Nickie. What's up?"

Fury sniffed. "I don't even want to know what happen."

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The End!

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