Mastering The Sith
Inspired by a particular line in chapter 23 of My Immortal (as well as one especially amusing flame for that same chapter). Enjoy, and if you wanna flame, I'll understand.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, a creation of one George Lucas. I also do not own Harry Potter or any crap penned by "Tara".
Everything was normal in Emperor Palpatine's throne room on that day. The red-armored bodyguards stood at their posts with the usual amount of vigil that they always had. The windows gave a spectacular view of an infinite dark space, dotted by many stars. However, there was one unusual sight: outside, a great battle was breaking out. Its outcome would decide the course of history; the preservation of the Empire, or the rise of a new intergalactic union.
The elevator door leading into the throne room opened. Emperor Palpatine (or Darth Sidious, as he was also known) expected this. Through it stepped his apprentice, Darth Vader, with the young Luke Skywalker at his mercy. Palpatine grinned.
Their initial greetings revealed no surprises. The boy would not willingly submit to the dark side of the force, even as his friends got blown to fragments in the intense battle outside. Clearly, this Jedi would need the dark side beat into him.
Vader fought valiantly against the boy, but moments later, the Jedi stood over the Sith Lord, having severed Vader's mechanical hand and draining his stamina.
But still the young man would not side with the Sith. So be it – he must die.
Before Sidious could zap Luke with his force-lightning, however, the elevator door opened and a figure stepped through. His visit was not expected.
Indeed, the intruder looked very much inhuman. There was almost nothing between his skin and bones, his eyes glowed a pale white, and his nose was missing. He wore a simple grey robe. In his belt, he had not a lightsabre, but instead a stick-like object.
"…And who are you?" Sidious demanded, momentarily forgetting Luke.
"Soft! Who art thou?" the figure replied.
"No, you tell me who you are!"
A long silence was held.
"Milord?" One of the bodyguards said. "I think he fell asleep!"
"So he did…" Sidious seethed, before awakening the rude visitor with a little bit of strangulation.
"Ack!"
"I'll ask you again: who are you?!"
"…I'm Darth Valer. I hath telekinesis!"
With his remaining hand, Va-der facefaulted. This was not only the first person foolish enough to try to impersonate him, but also the worst. How many people knew about him? Cripes, this was awful.
"Very well. Guards…kill him!"
The four guards jumped at the ready and began shooting their weapons at their master's target. However, the laser beams of their weaponry didn't seem to harm him.
"Oh crap, what now?" one guard asked.
"Keep shooting?" said another.
"No, we get out the ion cannon!" declared a third.
"Idiot!! The Emperor isn't supposed to know about the ion cannon!" the fourth shouted angrily.
"…What ion cannon?" a confused Sidious asked.
"The one we had built into the wall panels near the elevator doorway!"
"The one you weren't supposed to know about!"
"Shut up, doofuses!"
While the guards fought each other and tried to open the panel containing the cannon, Luke pondered about whether or not this would be a good time to attempt an escape. It might work – the Emperor was trying to make sense of the guards' arguments, Vader was catching his breath still, and the Vader-imposter stood in a meditative state. However, this idea was short-lived.
After much fighting to open the panel (while the fourth guard, who was also the strongest, fought to keep it closed), the enthusiasm was mixed.
"Aha! The ion cannon!"
"Sweetness!"
"Back to hell with you," said guard number four, taking his blaster rifle and shooting the cannon. With a small explosion, the cannon was reduced to sparking wires and smoldering metal.
"Oh, nice going, douche! What're we going to use now?!"
"Fear not, dudes! We have the forbidden weapons!!"
"Are you stupid?! The Emperor isn't supposed to know about that, either!"
Another scuffle ensued, ending with the opening of a large panel to reveal several plasma-based weapons.
"I'm not paying you bozos to keep secrets from me!" Sidious shouted. "How many weapons are in those panels?!"
"Um…fourty-seven…thousand?"
"Which you weren't supposed to know about!"
"How many times do I have to say 'Shut up!'?!"
Clearly, the guards were useless. Sidious would just take care of the upstart himself, then go back to the boy. He began walking over to the rather pitiful creature.
Suddenly, Valer seemed to wake up and pulled out the stick thing, pointing it at Sidious. Sidious ignited his own red lightsabre.
"I'm going to kill you, Valer, for you are no true Sith."
"Actually, it's Vollymore."
"…I thought you said five minutes ago it was Valer!"
"Nope, I said Voldemint."
Whoever he was, he was starting to greatly vex Sidious. Who the hell can't remember their own name?!
"CROOKSHANKS!" the now-impossible-to-identify Vader impersonator shouted. But nothing happened. Because anyone familiar with the Harry Potter line of work knows that Crookshanks is Hermione Granger's cat and not the Cruciatius curse. Essentially, Vader Impersonator, as he'll now be known, made a fool of himself.
"The horrors of this creature are still no match for the dark side of the force," Vader said, breaking his long silence.
"No, father, I can sense some goodness in him!" Luke shouted.
Vader faced his son. "Luke…what good ever came out of My Immortal? Thanks to that, I have an imposter to deal with! And I shall!"
Slowly climbing to his feet, Vader began strangling his imposter with the force. Luke joined in too, after realizing what his father said was true. And even the dimwitted bodyguards finally armed themselves and began pumping Vader Imposter with plasma. But it didn't seem to work.
Sidious sighed. "You all suck. Let me at him!"
The force came through his fingertips as lightning, which gained full manipulation of Vader Imposter. Sidious flung his victim around the air several times before finally ending his pitiful existence by flinging him down the chasm.
Everyone rejoiced with cries along the lines of "Long live the Emperor! Hooray for the Empire!" Everyone, that is, except for Luke. Who disappeared in the not-so-climatic battle earlier.
Right at that moment, the Death Star blew up.
Yup, this was crack for the most part. Hope you liked!