WARNING: Contains spoilers for S4E4 'Indifference'. This is my take on how Daryl handled the news of Carol's banishment. This piece was written last year before the episode screened in which Rick told Daryl about what happened to Carol on that run, so it's a safe bet to consider this fic AU at this point. Even though I wrote this oneshot a long time ago, I've still decided to submit it to the USS Caryl's 'Letters to You' challenge. I hope you enjoy my reimagining of the situation. I've left the original A/N at the end because of stuff...things...
Red. All he saw was red.
There was no way to tell if the crimson staining his vision was brought on by blind rage or if it was a result of the fresh blood spurting up into the air like some sort of flowing fountain pumping skywards. Whether real or imagined it didn't matter.
Everywhere he saw red.
He wanted to make someone pay.
He wanted to make Rick pay.
Daryl's fist was set on a collision course with Rick's jaw before the younger Dixon even thought about what he was doing. The rage coursing through his mind was distracting to the point of being all-consuming. The searing fire of anger spread over every square inch of his body, invading his every cell until the man throwing the punches was no longer in control of his own actions. He growled and snarled and leapt like a rabid dog defending its turf, showering the lawman with blow after crushing blow in a desperate bid to make someone else feel the same agonising pain he was feeling at that moment.
The redneck was intimately acquainted with anger. The powerful emotion had been a constant bedfellow of his for longer as he cared to remember. Considering his upbringing it wasn't surprising he automatically responded to any situation with a fury of venomous words or barrage of flying punches. But that was before. Daryl was a different man now from what he'd been then. He had changed over the past year since the world went to shit. Well, he thought he'd changed. Apparently he hadn't covered as much ground as he originally believed. The bedfellow he thought he'd kicked out into the cold world was back with a vengeance with just two words from Rick's mouth.
He hadn't felt overpowering rage like that since he'd found out Merle was left behind on a rooftop in Atlanta. That same person who had been responsible for abandoning Merle was also responsible for leaving another member of Daryl's family alone in the world to fend for herself.
Daryl was sick of losing people to an unforgiving world. He'd already lost too many members of his family to the shithole they lived in now, he wasn't prepared to lose anyone else but that hadn't mattered to the Sherriff's Deputy.
Carol was gone and it was all Rick's fault.
One moment Daryl was standing in the yard talking to Rick, asking the man where Carol was at. Words had started coming from Rick's mouth but the only two that had registered with the redneck was the ominous phrase 'She's gone'. Those two words echoed through Daryl's mind as panic started swirling through his veins. What the fuck did 'She's gone' mean anyway? Too focused on the fear gripping his heart to even listen to what else Rick was saying Daryl had started ticking off the assorted scenarios that would constitute those words coming from his friend's mouth. Had Carol succumbed to the illness sweeping the prison? Had she been bit and subsequently put down? Had she taken it upon herself to go out on a run? The questions screamed inside Daryl's mind until he'd demanded answers, bellowing his request at the lawman standing between him and the truth of what had happened to Carol.
It wasn't until Rick elaborated on the conditions of her disappearing act that the redneck heard a dull roar in his ears that effectively tuned out the rest of Rick's little speech. That's when the punches had started flying. Everything after that point was lost amongst the sea of red that drowned Daryl's vision.
Somewhere in the distance he heard a distraught voice screaming the mantra, "You left her like you left Merle!" The voice had been filled with more anguish than he'd ever thought possible- like the owner's heart was breaking with the revelation of Carol's departure.
It wasn't until much later Daryl realized the voice he had heard screaming was his own.
The next thing Daryl knew Rick lying on the ground groaning and covered in his own blood. At least the younger Dixon thought it was Rick's blood. His knuckles had gotten so busted during the scuffle that some of the blood decorating the prison yard might very well have been his own.
Later he'd been told it had taken three people to pry him off the injured former leader curled up on the ground. The addition of Michonne's katana pressed against his throat had been the only thing that deterred the enraged redneck from trying to kill the injured man with his bare hands. He hadn't been that berserk that a sensation of a blade held against his throat didn't register. The sharp edge bit into the skin of his neck and sliced through the fog clouding his vision, effectively snapping him back from the cusp of insanity he'd been skirting the boundary of.
Daryl barely remembered how many times he'd swung at Rick when they were in the yard. The only thought that had echoed through his mind was an insatiable desire to kill the man who had exiled Carol.
In that moment Daryl felt like a carbon copy of his old man. Daddy Dixon was famous for his ability to let the punches fly and swear black and blue the next morning he didn't remember doing it. Daryl had spent a large portion of his adult life working to not become the man his father was, but apparently being a violent asshole was a genetic trait passed down from father to son. Daryl hadn't needed to work so hard to try and escape the life sentence he'd inherited courtesy of his Pa. Given the right trigger he'd proven to be just as destructive as the old bastard had ever been.
Daryl never would have thought the woman he'd grown so close to since the world went to shit would turn out to be the trigger that send him spiralling down into the abyss he was lost in now. He was drowning in a sea of rage and there was no life raft in sight to cling to.
He had trusted Rick completely up to the moment the lawman informed him that Carol had been given a ride and explicit instructions not to darken the doorway of the prison again. The words coming from his friends' mouth had been the ultimate betrayal. None of them were innocent anymore but Carol was not a serial killer. She might have killed Karen and David but the act would not have been in cold blood. It would have been a mercy killing. That's how she was. That's who she was.
As soon as he'd been wrenched clear of Rick Daryl had made a beeline for Carol's cell. He didn't know why he went there of all places. He stormed off needing time by himself and the next thing he realized he was standing at her doorway. Now Daryl stomped back and forth across the small room, too strung out to even think straight. Judging by the changing light filtering into through the open door he'd been in self-imposed isolation for a few hours at least. He still had enough wits about him to stay away from the rest of the group. He knew he'd likely kill anyone fool enough to approach him now.
No-one else deserved his wrath. He blamed Carol's departure on one man and one man alone.
It felt like mere seconds ago he'd been beating Rick to a pulp outside in the harsh midday sunshine. But even after taking that time to try and cool down, to try and get his head together, it still wasn't enough.
All Daryl wanted to do was beat the shit out of the man responsible for breaking up their family.
He wanted all the pain and anger inside him gone and the best way he could think of doing that was to hit something. Rick wasn't currently available so Daryl settled for the next best thing. He needed to find an outlet for his uncontrollable anger and the wall in Carol's cell had been deemed the lucky winner. His knuckles were bloody and stung like a bitch but that barely registered. The bones in his hand felt like they were shattered but he couldn't focus on that pain. Either Daryl took his frustrations out on the wall or he went back outside and finish what he started with Rick's face.
As tempting as that thought sounded Daryl kept himself tucked away in her cell, pacing back and forth like a caged animal instead of going outside and committing murder.
Every fibre of his being was screaming at Daryl to kill; to focus his rage on something external so he wouldn't have to feel the pain that was building inside of him with every passing minute. Even though Daryl was still seething with rage he knew he couldn't set foot outside until he got his shit locked down tight. Killing Rick was not an option. Daryl wanted to make the other man hurt for sending Carol away but he knew that murdering his friend was not going to help the situation any.
One killer had already been banished from the prison. If Daryl followed the path his anger was leading him down then he'd be joining Carol in the ranks of people voted off the island real soon.
He stopped pacing and dropped to the floor in a crouched position, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was the only thing he could think of to try and contain his anger from boiling over again. He focused on his breathing.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
With each exhale he felt more rage ebb away from his body. If he had any chance of locating her he couldn't go off half-cocked and do something stupid that would jeopardise the chances of finding where she'd disappeared to. There was no doubt in his mind he was going after her. She couldn't have gotten that far yet. Carol belonged at the prison and that was all there was too it. There was no way in hell Daryl was letting Rick send her away forever.
Daryl was resolved in his next course of action. He would find Carol and he would bring her back to where she belonged. He would bring her home.
His eyes darted around the cell she had formally inhabited, searching for a clue as to which direction she might be headed. Rick had sent her away but it was still her choice in which direction she moved towards.
The sound of boots clanging on the nearby stairwell alerted Daryl to an incoming headed his way. The rhythmic thumping of steps combined with the jangling of keys identified the person heading in his direction. Didn't take too much to work out he'd be to one to approach first. The only other person who would normally be checking on him was out there in the middle of God knows where.
A shadow fell over his shoulder, eclipsing what little light had managed to filter through the small doorway. Daryl rose from his position on the floor, bringing himself to his full height. The threatening action would hopefully deter the man standing behind him from coming any closer. After the stunt Rick had pulled today Daryl no longer trusted the guy. There was no way in hell he was staying in a vulnerable position on the floor where the Sherriff's Deputy could easily get the drop on him. Carol had blindly trusted Rick and look where that got her.
Daryl stared at the at blood he'd left on Carol's cell wall, focusing on the red smear there instead of turning to face the man standing behind him. The rough sound of a throat being cleared begged for the younger Dixon's attention but he refused to budge from his examination of the grey wall.
"Keep walking," Daryl ordered, the tone of his voice coming out more animal than man; a predator warning another male not to dare enter his territory.
"I ain't looking for another fight," Rick said from his position at the doorway. "This was my decision Daryl. I did it for her own protection."
"Her own protection?" Daryl mimicked, feeling that familiar rage building within him once more with every word spoken by Rick. "You sent her out alone for her own protection?!" he spat, spinning around to face the man responsible for fucking everything up in the space of one day.
Rick looked like he'd had his ass handed to him with the amount of blood and dirt covering his clothing. He'd been clean up some judging by the number of stitches now located above his right eye. Daryl smirked with satisfaction when his gaze raked over the damage he'd done to the man. 'Good,' he thought. 'Asshole had it coming for what he did.'
Daryl took a menacing step forward towards the man still poised at the threshold of the cell. "That's bullshit and you know it Rick! People can't survive on their own no more." The searing pain of his busted hand didn't seem so bad anymore as he balled it into a fist again, preparing to deliver another well-earned blow to the man playing judge, jury and executioner all rolled into one. "You leaving Carol out there like that's as good as handing her a death sentence!"
Rick took a step backwards and held out his left hand in a placating gesture. His right hand gravitating to the python strapped to his thigh. "Daryl, you gotta understand. What Carol did…there's no coming back from that. There wasn't a place for her with us anymore."
The blood in Daryl's veins started boiling again. "The entire council agree with you 'cause I don't remember voting on abandoning one of our own like that!"
"One of our own took two lives in cold blood. Carol did this to herself the moment she decided who lived and who died," Rick answered.
"Ain't like you never made that call before, is it?" Daryl countered sarcastically. Rick had no right to throw Carol out on her ass. There wasn't one of them alive anymore that didn't have blood on their hands and Rick damn-near knew it.
"I did it to save Carol-" Rick started, sounding weary.
"Got a funny way of showin' it," Daryl cut the other man off. He was done listening. It didn't matter which way Rick tried justifying it, the man had still abandoned one of their own out there. No matter what Carol had done, Daryl didn't think he'd ever be able to forgive Rick for this. You didn't turn your back on family just 'cause they'd dirtied their hands. Merle would have been cut loose decades ago if that was the case.
"Hear me out Daryl," Rick pleaded, placing his hands on his hips. "Tyreese is out for blood and he's not in the mood to listen to reason. If Carol had of come back here to face the music she would have been dead the moment she walked through that gate. What I did out there," Rick threw his hand out gestured towards the outside of the prison, "the choice I made, it kept her alive. I wasn't willing to bring her back here and condemn her to death."
"Nah man," Daryl started, narrowing his eyes, "you didn't condemn her to death at all by leaving her stranded out there alone on the road with no backup, did you?"
Rick shook his head in objection. "It ain't like that. Carol's a survivor. She'll make it through this."
Daryl snorted at the flimsy response. It seemed the man had an answer for everything today. It wasn't that the hunter doubted Carol's ability to survive; she'd proven that fact when she endured years of marriage to a bastard who beat her senseless. In this new world she did nothing but flourish, growing stronger and more confident with every passing day. But despite his confidence in her new-found abilities something about Carol being out there all alone didn't sit right with Daryl.
The thought of never seeing Carol again gnawed at Daryl's mind. He didn't know how to explain it but he knew that they needed her at the prison. He needed her to be at the prison. The desire to punch something until he drew blood was returning with a vengeance.
"Unless you got something else to say man you best get the hell outta here. I'm done with your bullshit." Daryl turned his back and focused on the opposite wall, willing the other man to get the fuck out before he lost his cool again.
Rick sighed heavily before speaking again. "I got something for you." The sound of Rick stepping through the threshold and into Carol's cell caught Daryl's attention, causing the hunter to turn and face the other man.
At first glance all Daryl could make out was a flash of white waving in front of his face. He snorted, thinking that this was Rick's attempt at waving a white flag and trying to call a truce. It didn't take Daryl long to realize it wasn't a flag Rick was brandishing his way…it was a folded scrap of paper. A white piece of paper with his name written neatly on the centre of it. Daryl recognised the handwriting instantly. He'd read it enough from the lists she would draw up whenever he was headed out on a run.
"She asked me to bring it to you. She said everything you'll need's in there." Rick nodded towards the paper still in his hand.
Daryl eyed Rick apprehensively. His upper body swayed towards Rick and the letter he held but he redneck's feet refused to move forward and cooperate. He wanted that letter but he'd be damned if he was going to cross the room for it. He couldn't risk getting close to Rick again lest he finished what he started out in the yard earlier. The rhythmic breathing had managed to calm the hunter some but the rage that fuelled him still simmered just below the surface, waiting for a chance to spring forth once more.
Rick extended his arm further towards Daryl, trying to prompt the other man to reach forward and take the item he was holding. Shrugging slightly the lawman finally gave up and placed the letter the small metal table Carol left resting next to the doorway. He gave Daryl one last glance before walking out of the cell doorway.
"I'm sorry brother," Rick paused at the exit, throwing the words over his shoulder on the way out. "I never wanted this." Rick nodded his head curtly towards Daryl before retracing his steps out of the cell. The thumping of boot heals on the metal staircase reverberated across the cellblock as he retreated.
Daryl stared at the scrap of blue-lined notebook paper mocking him from across the room. He was a grown man, he shouldn't be afraid of something written on a piece of paper. But as Daryl glared at the letter he realized that's what he was; scared. He was torn between devouring its contents and leaving it folded and pretending that it simply didn't exist. Carol could have put anything down on paper. Rick said everything he needed to know was inside that letter.
What exactly could Carol possibly think Daryl needed to know?
"You read it?" Daryl called out the now-empty doorway. He didn't want the answer but he had to know. Whatever Carol had jotted down was for his eyes and his eyes only. She wouldn't have addressed it to him if the rest of the group were privy to the information it contained.
"It wasn't my place," the lawman's answer drifted up from the vicinity of the staircase before the clanging of boots on metal resumed, carrying the man to the lower level.
"It wasn't your place to kick her out but that didn't stop you neither," Daryl muttered under his breath, crossing the room and finally picking up the folded note.
The paper she'd written the letter on was thin and lined with blue. Perforated edges ran down one side indicating she'd torn the page from some sort of notebook. Daryl sunk down onto her mattress and studied the folded scrap of paper in his hands for the longest time. He turned the sheet over and over, tracing the soft folds with a calloused finger. He wanted to read the words she'd taken the time to leave him with but he was afraid.
Anything could be inside that letter. Daryl wasn't sure if he was ready for what Carol had to tell him.
"Stop being such a pussy," he muttered, letting curiosity win out as he unfolded the notepaper hurriedly. The force he used to open the letter threatened to tear the paper apart. His hands were shaking as he finally managed to open the page fully, smoothing out the paper against the threadbare sheets covering the bunk beneath his body.
Daryl,
I'm sorry it has to be like this. I wish I could change what I've done but it's too late for that now. I have to live with the consequences of my actions. I have to live with the guilt of taking two lives. I didn't kill them in cold blood, you have to know that. They were dying and I gave them a quick end to the pain. It was the only way I could help them.
Mika and Lizzie will need someone to look after them. Rick said they'd be taken care of but I need you to watch out for them. Please do this for me. They need to survive this world Daryl. They need someone strong like you to teach them how to survive. I can't let any more children die because I wasn't there to protect them.
Thank you for being there for me, for everything you've given me really. I wouldn't be alive today if you hadn't made it a habit to save my life all the time. I'll never forget what you did for Sophia…what you did for me. You're a good man Daryl, a man of honour. Don't ever forget that.
Please don't come looking for me. Your place is at the prison and I've overstayed my welcome there as far as Rick's concerned. I don't belong there anymore. I'll be fine on my own. I'm not afraid to be alone anymore.
I always thought I'd have more time, that we'd have more time. Your friendship has become one of the most important elements in my life. There are things I've wanted to say for the longest time but now it's too late. I missed my chance. I should have said something to you before you left on that run. Oh well, maybe it's better for us this way. I didn't make a fool of myself professing something I doubt you'd want to hear.
Take care of yourself Daryl. You need to survive this world. I need you to survive this world.
I'll miss you Pookie.
Always yours,
Carol.
P.S. Don't kick Rick's ass over this. He's doing what he thinks is best to protect Carl and Judith. I can't fault him for that. I don't want you and Rick at odds over this decision he's made. I know you Daryl. I know how you'll react. Hopefully Rick has the good sense to give this to you before he tells you I've been given my marching orders.
Daryl read and re-read the note in his hands over and over until what little sunlight was previously in the room faded into night. He couldn't believe she didn't want to be found. She didn't want him to come for her. She didn't want him with her. That cut Daryl the deepest.
The rage that had previously burned inside him was replaced by a consuming black sorrow that rivalled the darkness of night now blanketing her cell. He wished for the rage to return but the sorrow kept it at bay. The anger was preferable to the loss. He could deal with anger. Anything would feel better than this blackness taking residency in his mind now.
Carol was gone. She was alive but she was gone and she wasn't planning on coming back.
The red Daryl saw earlier in the day was replaced by a wall of darkness that consumed him, crashing down like a violent wave smashing against the shoreline. The next morning when he'd pried himself away from her bunk the redneck realized it hadn't been darkness that had blinded him after reading the letter- it had been tears. He had cried himself to sleep clutching her letter to his chest.
The last time he'd cried like that had been the day he'd put Merle down.
She was gone and her last wish was for him not to look for her. Knowing that she didn't want to be found hurt the most. Every fibre of his being was demanding for him to leave the prison and pick up her trail but Daryl knew it was pointless. If Carol didn't want to be found there was no point trying. In her letter she had called him a man of honour and as much as it pained him Daryl intended to honour her wishes.
He would watch over Mika and Lizzie. He would keep them alive and protect them with his last breath just as Carol would have done. He would focus on keeping the rage and the sorrow at bay.
He hadn't succeeded at not kicking Rick's ass per Carol's request. He would honour the other requests she made of him though.
It was the only way he could honour her now.
Extremely Long A/N: Basically I wanted to write my interpretation of Daryl's reaction to the news of Carol's banishment. The reason I put the letter in at the end was simply because I was disappointed Carol didn't ask Rick to pass along a goodbye message on her behalf. Considering the pain of Daryl's leaving last season I don't believe Carol would leave without saying goodbye to him, hence the idea of the letter came to me. Basically I tried a thing here. Everyone's exploring the scenario of Daryl's reaction when he finds out Rick has banished Carol and I thought I'd throw my hat into the ring and give it a shot.
As much as I'd like to watch Daryl's taillights fade away into the horizon as he flees the prison on a relentless search to bring Carol home I don't think this will happen. That would be predictable and let's face it predictability went out the window this season. That being said, I don't think Daryl will take this latest development lying down. My head canon is that the only way he wouldn't charge after Carol was if she expressly requested him not to.
I'm actually looking forward to watching Carol fend for herself for a while. She has grown and developed so much as a character over the last four seasons that I have no doubt Carol will survive without her family at the prison. She isn't stuck in some ivory tower awaiting rescue this time. Our girl doesn't need Daryl to swoop in and save her ass like Daphne did in every episode of Scooby Doo. Carol's got a knuckleduster blade, kickass boots and a no-nonsense attitude.
This time, she doesn't need saving. She's got this all on her own.