"These are the kind of things you cannot talk about.

These are things remain a secret even if they are unveiled in detail.

All we can do is to live through them and to evoke them

so they live inside me forever."

Sándor Márai

Chapter 1

Since I was a kid acting was my everything. I wanted to become an actress ever since I can remember. I always played; I wanted to become someone else, sometimes because my life didn't offer enough excitement another time because I want to express how much I feel inside. I wanted to be in the spotlight, I wanted to shine, to be adored. I wanted the light go on for me. Standing in the light enjoying the applause with my eyes closed…. how many times have I dreamed about all this.

Theater was more for me, than simple distraction, or a good program. Theater had its own smell and unimaginable feeling. My teenage years were guided by these colors, smells and faces.

So nobody was surprised when I started to study acting. I was 17. I've learned to act; to play to use my body. As I had more and more appearance I've received more and more offers. When I was 25 I've caught myself playing in a theatre, leading roles. Finally, I'm standing there, with my eyes closed enjoying the applause. My life is about theatre, rehearsal in the morning, performance in the evening after them having beer with Krisz until dawn. Like peas and carrots ...

It's Friday night. The schedule is the same. Krisz, beer.. a perfect combo. But tonight we aren't playing but him. The new star of the theatre, girls' dream and mine as well. We watched the performance, God knows how many times; it was fantastic again and sexy. Like his girlfriend. She waited for him after the performance in the Arts Café.

-They are together again –Krisz looks at me with resignation.

Not if this matter for Tom, it is known he is always ready for a bang. From everyone… except for me.

It was never about moral, neither in my case. I'm hopelessly in love again, and I believe I will be the WOMAN in his life to tame him. Ok, ok I don't believe this either, but if felt good to think about it, even just for a second.

I desire love. Love, which is deep, passionate and sweeps away everything. For me, sex was never that important, it didn't really concern me, probably because I was never able to live it through. But I always had the feeling deep inside of me, that this should be different, like get lost with someone, get lost in someone, be lustful, sexy, get and give pleasure. Is this a dream too? Or a role? I have no one to play with.

The beer is bittersweet in my mouth, Krisz, friends, smoky place. We saved the world again, many times today. We were talking about theatre, role, dreams, we are loud and shocking. But we don't care, because we have secrets.

Our laugh was interrupted by my phone's ringing. A strange female voice spoke.

-Katy Stevens?

-Yes, it's me-I answered hesitating. Two years ago, when my mother's English husband died, I've changed my name and took his to honor him. I considered him always as my father, not the first husband of my mother, who lived with us till I was 5. Then he took off with a younger girl.

-Greetings, I'm Laura from SP casting. I'm searching in my head fast after names, places… yes, there it is. I've applied by them for a job; they have made a portfolio about me.

-Your portfolio has been selected Katy – Laure gabbles further, as someone who says the same for the thousand time. You should go for a casting. Can you take a job now?

-Of course -I said without hesitation.

-The casting is tomorrow in London.

-London? – I discredited.

-Yes, unfortunately we were told also only now. But all the cost are covered of course. Can you go anyway?

-What is to know about the casting?

-This is an American feature film, with the title Memory. The casting is for the female leading role, you are selected to cast for that.

Damn it, leading role of a US movie…. My legs tremble, I'm dizzy. I need to concentrate to hear what she says. I make fast notes about the important date, tomorrow morning at the airport, then in London they wait for me, and take to the place via cab.

I'm overjoyed, my friends are happy for me. What an opportunity, unique experiences, it doesn't matter whether I win the role or not. Only the fact, that I can be there is enough. I say goodbye, I need to rest. Certainly I can't sleep, I'm too excited. I have the feeling it will be a wonderful unique day!