I promise
I've been staring at the ceiling for about an hour. One hand on my stomach, one hanging off the side of the mattress. I hadn't dared wake Nick, besides, he was going to need all the energy he had to put up with me in that delivery room.
My attempts fail however, when the baby starts to kick again and I let out a quiet whimper of surprise. I only had a month to go and I felt like she was going to break out of my stomach. They had reassured me that I was only carrying the one baby, thank God. I must just be one of those unfortunate mothers who was going to have to birth a large baby, which trust me, I was not looking forward to.
"You ok?" Nick sits up suddenly, hearing me restless next to him. "Is it the baby?"
"She's just kicking, that's all." I reassure him, as he breathes a sigh of relief, placing his hand gently over mine and feeling our daughter wriggling around. "Thank God she's healthy." I tell him, although it was mainly to remind myself. I had been devastated when I miscarried with my first daughter several years back. I had never wanted children, but as soon as I had felt her growing inside of me, I loved her. I loved her so much yet I never even got the chance to say hello... Or goodbye.
I had been determined to bring this child into the world, happy and healthy for both Nick and I. We had both lost children in the past and it had broke our hearts. Now, finally, it was possibly my last chance and so I was not going to let anything happen to her, not this time.
"I have to pee." I inform him, although I'm sure he didn't need to know the full details. Despite the fact I was carrying an eight month child, I still acted like a little kid around him. But that was because for once I could be the one dependent on my partner, rather than vice-versa and I loved it.
"Nice to know but ok." He smiles, hauling himself out of bed and placing his hands out for me to grab onto. He pulls me up and I rest a hand on my back to support myself, making my way into the bathroom. "What do you want for breakfast?" He yells from the kitchen as I hear him stick the kettle on.
"...Pancakes." I try to decipher between my very confusing cravings that I was currently getting. At least it was an excuse to eat chocolate, pickles and cheese balls. Else I would never get away with it.
"Ok I'm popping to the shop then." He calls as I flush the chain and open the door.
"Oh no, you don't have to." I sigh, making my way over to him. "I'll just have what's in."
"Erm, no you won't." He taps me on the nose. "I'm spoiling this baby before it's even born and if you want pancakes, you will have pancakes my darling." He says in a slightly sarcastic tone before grabbing his coat. "You want anything else?"
"...Get us a bacon butty from Roy's will you?" I grin. I could ask him to travel to Italy to get me a pasta dish and he probably would. He rolls his eyes but nods, coming over to give me a quick peck on the lips before walking towards the door. "Oh and don't forget-"
"Brown sauce. I know." He replies before closing the door. I'm left with a stupid grin on my face, collapsing on the sofa and clicking the TV on.
"Four buttermilk pancakes and a bacon butty." He announces as he enters the room, dropping them onto the table next to me. "Oh and a bottle of apple juice."
"You read my mind!" I exclaim, grabbing it off him rudely and twisting the cap off.
"Well you drank an entire carton yesterday so..." He pours himself a brew before coming to sit down next to me.
"Sorry." I pull a face and he shakes his head. I kick my legs up so that they are laying over his lap and he brushes his hand against them softly. He just watches me, laughing whilst I scoff my breakfast, waiting until I have finished to wipe away the traces of brown sauce that coat my upper lip.
"What do you want to do today?" He asks, as I flick through the channels, pulling faces at all the birthing programmes. I was on maternity leave now, that was the upshot of being a boss of your own factory. So I had left Aidan to hold the fort, along with Michelle, my best friend who was covering my maternity leave. Nick was taking quite a few days off too as he also owned his own restaurant up the road, so we could spend some time together before the birth.
"Well I want to lie here all day." I sigh. "However, we've got to go shopping at some point haven't we?"
"Well yes that was going to be my next point." He nods. "Because I tell you what, if you're exhausted now, you won't be in a fit state to go shopping for nappies and bottles in a months time... I tell you what, I need to pop back to the bistro to give Steph the keys as Andy's taken the van to the suppliers. So, I'll go do that, you get ready and I'll meet you back here in twenty minutes?"
"You think it's only gonna take me twenty minutes to get ready?" I raise my eyebrows at him. "My name is Carla Connor."
"Well what's there to do?" He shrugs, standing up and collecting some things.
"Hair, make-up, picking an outfit that will make me look half decent." I stand up and he holds out his arms for me as I walk into them.
"You could go out in anything and still look stunning so don't say that again." He kisses me on the forehead and I beam up at him.
"Aww." I kiss him lightly and he rests his hands on my stomach.
"You be good for mummy." He puts on his best daddy voice and I laugh. "I'll see you in a bit." He places another kiss on my forehead and then on my tummy before exiting out of the door.
*
I get butterflies when we pull up outside Mothercare and I see all the women with pushchairs and toddlers hanging off their arms. That would be me, in a matter of weeks. I pull myself out the vehicle and Nick reaches for my hand, clasping it in his and swinging it softly in the breeze as we head towards the building.
"Never did I think I would be setting foot in this place." I admit to him, the shop a mystery to me. "It was all Gucci and Kate Spade until this little one came along."
"Yeah well, I much prefer this." He rolls his eyes and I giggle.
"Ugh..." I cast my eyes around the interior, it was like a maze to me; high chairs here and baby grows there and all sorts of objects I'd never seen before. "Where do we start?" Nick grabs a basket with his spare hand and leads me towards the furniture section.
"Well let's go in order of priority." He suggests. "First we need some sort of cot don't we?"
"Aww!" I let go of his hand and run forward the best I can in my condition. I lay my hand down on a white wooden crib with blue bunnies painted on it. "Nicholas, look how cute it is."
"Well I'm guessing we're having that one then..." He raises his eyebrows at me and I grin at him like a little girl in a sweet shop. Ok, I take it back. Being here was making me extremely excited and nervous about what was to happen in one months time.
*
We park up outside Victoria Court and I pull myself out of the passenger seat, heading to open the boot.
"Uh, no you don't." He stops me from picking up a bag. "You're not carrying anything."
"Why?" I frown.
"Because I don't want you lifting heavy bags." He tells me before placing a kiss on my forehead. "If you want to make yourself useful, go and open up."
I take the keys off him, enter the code to our building and make my way upstairs. A minute later and he has appeared in the doorway, several bags in both his hands, whilst I am slumped on the sofa.
"I think we went a bit overboard." I pull a face when he dumps the bags on the floor.
"I think you went a bit overboard... This isn't even everything. The large items have to be delivered." He chuckles and the buzzer sounds loudly, making me jump slightly. "I'll get it, you stay there... It's Michelle, Carla."
"Ooh, good." I beam as he buzzes her up. He quickly tidies away the bags as she steps through our open doorway.
"Been doing some shopping have we?" Michelle greets us, coming over to lean down and hug me.
"Last minute preparations." Nick nods
"Meaning everything." I add and she laughs. "Do you want a brew?"
"Love one if it's no trouble." She smiles before sitting down in the armchair.
"I'll make those then." Nick raises his voice from the kitchen and I turn to look at him.
"Well you did say you didn't want me to get up." I remind him, sweetly and he sticks his tongue out at me before putting the kettle on.
"So, eight months ay?" My best friend exclaims once I have turned back to her. "How you feeling?"
"Like I'm about to explode." I roll my eyes, shifting uncomfortably.
"Yeah well I suppose it's alright having someone waiting on you hand and foot." She winks at me.
"He's been amazing." I lean in and whisper to her, not wanting to give Nick the satisfaction of knowing how much I needed him. "Handling everything so much better than me."
"Yeah well it's a big thing." Chelle shrugs. "Plus you're new to it all."
"Yeah and don't I know it." I sigh, receiving a mug of steaming tea off Nick before he sits down on the arm of the sofa, his arm around me. "...Oh and I meant to ask you." I begin and look at Nick for approval. "I was just wondering if... You and Steve wanted to be Godparents? I mean, you don't have to if it's too much responsibility and obviously the Christening won't be ages from now and it's all a bit-"
"Are you serious?" Michelle stops me, gasping and I nod, slowly, concerned about what her response would be. "Carla, we would love to!"
I breathe a sigh of relief as she places her mug down and sits next to me, wrapping me in a warm hug.
"Well who else was I going to ask really?" I grin. "Nick wants Bethany to be the other God mother but you're my best friend and practically my sister so I thought who better to do the job?"
"I'm honoured." She wells up. "Thank you."
*
"Well at least that's done with now." I lean up against the cooker, relief washing through my body once Chelle had gone and we had packed everything away.
"That's not the hard part sweetheart." He assures me. "Labour, six am feeds, the next eighteen years of our lives."
"...Thanks for that little reminder." I grimace at him.
"We'll get through it." He tells me. "Hey and remember what Dr Hughes said; the most important part is to enjoy it. That's why we're doing this isn't it? Because we want a baby."
I nod and he places a finger lightly under my chin, to meet my eyes.
"Carla?" He says and kisses me before I head back to the sofa, I sit down on it carefully and stare into space.
It doesn't take him long to join me, leaving a relative amount of distance between us so that I don't feel pressurised. He knows there is something on my mind and so he just waits until I am ready to talk, not pushing me, not persisting or interrogating.
"...I'm just scared." I virtually whisper and he exhales slowly, holding out his arms for me. I shuffle along the sofa and rest my head against his chest, his arms around me protectively, hands resting on my bump.
"I'll let you into a secret." He mumbles into my hair, breathing in its scent. "I'm scared too."
"Really?" I raise my voice slightly, tilting my head to look at him.
"Yeah." He laughs, looking into my eyes. "Neither of us have done this before have we?"
I shake my head and then rest it back on his chest. We sit there in silence for a while until he adds; "but it'll all be ok, I promise."
And that's all I need, because when he says those two words I believe him. I trust him. I know he is going to be there for me, for us and that I could depend on him no matter what.
"Do you think I'll be a good mother?" I ask.
"I think you'll be the best mother." He tells me and for once I believe every word. I had always doubted my parenting skills because of my upbringing and when I lost my first baby I thought maybe it was a sign. Maybe this was fate's way of telling me I wasn't allowed to have children.
Nick had changed that. He had made me understand a completely new side to me. A side I had never met before. I could be myself with him. I breathe a sigh of relief as he plays with my hair, twirling it around his fingers as I close my eyes contently.
"Nick?" I whisper. "I love you."
He doesn't hesitate before saying the words that matter to me the most. "I love you too."