Tu-Fira

Disclaimer: I don't own the ME franchise, or else Thane would've lived and he and Shepard would've had a happily ever after.

A/N: This is a one-shot! Please don't ask for future chapters, and yes, this Shepard and Thane were romantically involved. Liara is not her new love interest, merely acting as a confident and trusting friend in this little story. Please don't take it the wrong way. I have no problems with LiaraxShep, but that's not what's happening here. And also, I ask to please review and favorite!

She sighed, barely keeping her head from slamming the desk by supporting it with her hands. Dark brown hair fell around her in an uneven, growing bob. She felt like shit. Her eyes were still red and puffy, nose stuffed with gross snot she kept having
to clog with tissues.

All Tess Shepard wanted to do was focus on the Reapers and somehow come up with a plan to save the entire fucking galaxy from imminent destruction. But nooo, her damn human emotions just had to get in the way of that. Maybe if she'd been born a Turian she'd be able to hold it in better. Or a Krogan. Or a Salarian.

Just anything not human, basically. Sure, she and her crew were doing all they could, and the alliance between the Turians and Krogan was successful, allowing Palaven to be reclaimed, but she felt like she wasn't pushing hard enough to defeat the Reapers.

Not quite.

Her stereo was off. The music no longer soothed, it jarred. The silence was more understanding. More relaxing, somehow. Not solace, but less anxiety-inducing.

There was a ping, notifying her of a new email on her private messages. There were also some reports to finish filing, meetings to schedule, and leads to follow. But today, on the Normandy crew's last day of shore leave at the Citadel, Tess Shepard wasn't feeling it.

She was tempted to ignore the email and mope in silence for at least another ten minutes before putting on her Commander bravado, then decided against it. Usually, the emails were important and needed a response ASAP.

Shepard was surprised to see it was from Liara, who requested permission to speak with her in her cabin.

"Guess now's as good a time as any to get it together…" she muttered, heading to the bathroom behind her to splash water in her face, take some meds to reduce the swelling of her eyes, and glance at her reflection one last time.

Sorrowful, rich brown eyes stared back at her, accentuated by the dark circles under her lids. Her reddish-pink lips were chapped, pressed in a neutral line across her grief-stricken face. Wearing no makeup made her expression even rawer, forcing her to look away. Ugh, the life she chose…

"EDI, tell Liara she has permission to come up and talk to me."

The husky robotic voice of EDI replied promptly. "Affirmative, Shepard. She is on her way now."

"Thanks, EDI."

"You're welcome, Shepard."

The warmth behind her reply caused a bit of a smile to return to Shepard's face. It'd been a long, hellish couple of weeks, and everyone needed a break. They were docked getting the Normandy SR-2 cleaned up and fine-tuned at EDI's suggestion. Shepard had been out and about, but today she just wanted alone time. To grieve.

No sooner than when the Commander tossed the last of her tissues into her bathroom trash did she hear the gentle swoosh of her door open. The blue-skinned Asari faced her with complete seriousness.

"Shepard."

"Hey, Liara. So…what'd you wanna talk about?"

God, it was so hard to be the fearless, tough, decisive Commander-especially in front of one of her closest friends.

"Oh, nothing too serious. I just wanted to know how you're holding up."

"I'm fine."

Liara quirked a brow, not believing her half-assed lie. "Really. Then do you mind explaining why I can see a trail of tissues leading to the bathroom?"

Spinning around to follow her gaze, Shepard cursed under her breath when she realized she must have dropped some in her haste to dump them all into the trash, out of sight.

"Shepard, you don't have to pretend. Just… let it all out."

Hearing those words was the final push Tess Shepard needed, plopping down onto the bed with a shocking lack of energy. It worried Liara, she could tell, but she was so damn tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of missing him. Tired of winning but losing.
So tired.

The tears built up the familiar pressure behind her eyes as Shepard held her head in her hands, her elbows propped up on her knees.

"I loved him, Liara," she could barely say it clearly, her voice choking up with sobs.

Immediately the Shadow Broker was at her side, a comforting arm around her shoulders. "I know."

"Being with him was… was probably some of the happiest moments I've had in a while. He grounded me, I think. Now I just… I just don't know if I can…"

Tess never finished. Her silent sobs wracked her body, causing Liara to hold her tighter. "How can I keep going? I've never loved anyone like him before. I don't think it'll ever happen again. He was my person. And somehow I've gotta keep pushing forward even though he's gone and-"

"Shh," Liara rubbed her arm in comfort, doing her best to be there for her best friend, "I have never been that deep in love before, but I have had the opportunity these past few years to get to know you, Shepard. I know you are strong and unyielding. You will be able to move past this. It just takes time."

"But it doesn't even make any sense!" Shepard cried, trying to stop her waterworks to no avail. "I was only with him for a span of months! I just… I wish I could've had more time with him."

Liara tensed as if recoiling from her claim. "You don't have to know someone for years to miss them, or love them for that matter."

The brunette Commander finally met her bright blue eyes, her face wet with tears. "You think?"

Smiling, the Asari nodded, continuing to hug her. Shepard returned the embrace, feeling a bit better after sharing some of her turbulent, grief-fueled thoughts with her best friend and information broker.

"… Thanks, Liara. Don't know what I'd do without you."

"Go insane, I imagine. And be at a severe disadvantage in terms of information." The blue-skinned Shadow Broker grinned, nudging her playfully.

Shepard let out a heavy sigh, pulling away from her friend to fall back on her bed. Liara glanced back at her, her smile remaining.

"How can I keep it together and finally get rid of the Reapers if I can't get a grip on my own feelings? I'm the sappiest, worst Commander ever," Tess groaned, pushing her palms against her eyes.

It typically wasn't like her to complain at all or feel insecure, but it was Liara and she was grieving. Grief made people do strange things. So did love.

"Stop that," Liara frowned, her voice stern. "Even the great Commander Shepard is susceptible to emotions. It is what sets us apart from the Reapers. I'm sure Thane would understand why you are finding things difficult to manage right now."

Hearing his name physically hurt. It felt like her heart, yet not. Shepard always believed there was a greater power, so why not believe people had souls? Yes, that's what hurt. Her soul. Something with her but intangible. Like her love for the green-scaled Drell who valiantly gave up his life to protect the Salarian councilor.

At first, she was so panicked and pissed. She wanted to yell at him, ask him why he was always ready to accept death when he could've fought for a lung transplant or gotten Mordin to combine his brains with Cerberus tech. Order him to hang on if he really loved her. Ask him why he decided to choose death over her. Something.

Instead, she went into full Commander mode, because if she took the time to assess his injuries and let it sink in, she would've stood no chance in pursuing Kai Leng. Who got away anyway. Damn it, she should've just stayed with him instead of letting her desire for revenge take over.

"Yeah, he would. But he's not here anymore, Liara. And not being able to talk to him, or feel his hand in mine, or just sit next to him in the morning and have some coffee, is the worst part. I thought when I was there standing next to his deathbed, I could handle it. But then I woke up the next day and it just… God, it was like it hit me all of a sudden. I felt like I was suffocating in space all over again."

Liara lied back on her bed to look directly at her, one of her hands pillowing her hairless head. She sighed through her nose, shadows moving behind her eyes.

"It does get easier, Shepard. But as I said, it takes time."

"I don't have time."

The Asari rolled her eyes, turning to face her. "… after we defeated my mother, I didn't think I would recover, either."

Tess shifted, propping her head up on one hand. Dark brown hair fell into her face. She didn't care.

"Really? I thought you were estranged."

Liara glanced away, appearing guilty. "Yes, we were. But I still loved her. I should have spent more time with her. Perhaps then she never would have become indoctrinated."

"Hey, don't go blaming yourself for that. It was her choice to try and take Saren down on her own."

"I know. But just as you wonder if you could have prevented Thane's death, I wondered the same for my mother. Could I have saved her if I'd just bothered to reach out to her? But… I came to realize as time passed that asking those questions wasn't solving anything. I know I said I was fine at the time, but she was my mother. I suppose it hadn't sunken in yet. And obviously, back then, none of us really had time to grieve for anyone. So I did the next thing I could think of: I focused on the good memories of my mother and me."

"Did it help?"

"Somewhat. Once I got into the habit of doing it, the pain lessened. It never fully leaves you, Shepard, but it does fade. I know you of all people have gone through more than most could stand and remain sane, but we need you to pull through. Remember that you are not alone in this fight. Thane is with you in spirit, and I am sure you will reunite when your time comes to meet him across the sea. But for now, believe he is by your side in this war. And the rest of us are all here, ready to take a bullet for you if needed."

The brunette eyed her seriously, in an almost deadly fashion. Liara didn't flinch. "Don't go that far; you'll just piss me off with your recklessness."

"Oh, like you have with us so many times before?"

"Hey, I always come out on top in the end."

"You died!"

Tess waved a hand dismissively. "Minor setback. Besides, it was an ambush."

"I can't believe you sometimes."

Shepard chuckled, wiping at stray tears. "Thanks for listening. Is it too weird to see me like this?"

Puzzled, Liara cocked her head to the side, her inquisitive cobalt blues locked on her. "Like what?"

She shrugged. "Vulnerable?"

"Shepard, just because you are grieving doesn't make you weak. If anything, it shows how much you loved him. I am not disgusted by this side of you, nor do I feel uncomfortable. You're my friend, and I will always be here for you."

Feeling her eyes water again, Tess looked away with a slight smile. "That means a lot, Liara."

The blue-skinned alien got up, heading towards the door. Shepard followed to see her out. "I need to return to my research and information management. Let me know whenever you need a listening ear. I can always find the time."

"Yeah, sure. Thanks again for stopping by."

She smiled at the Commander, pulling her in for another hug. "You would do the same for me. You've already done so much for all of us. Sometimes, I think you need to be reminded there are people who will do anything for you."

Tess sighed, patting her friend's back before stepping away. "Maybe you're right. Sorry, I'm probably keeping you. See you later."

"See you later. And keep in mind what I said earlier."

"Will do," the Commander replied with a nod.

The door closed, and she was once again alone with her thoughts. It still hurt just as much as before speaking to Liara, but at least she felt stronger. She felt like she could last a little longer. Tess headed over to her desk, picking up the picture frame of her beloved Thane.

"I miss you so much, Thane. I don't know if I can do this. But I'll try my damnest. For you. For my crew. For the galaxy. And whatever happens, whenever my time comes, I won't be in peace until Kalahira guides me to you."

Large eyes with screens of black hiding beautiful emerald pupils stared back at her, frozen in the moment. She'd taken it on a whim, but now it was one of the few things she had left of him. Funny how things turn out.

She remembered the rare moments he laughed, usually whenever she accidentally did something stupid he deemed "amusing". The recollection of his raspy, baritone voice and that beautiful laugh were near, painfully tangible. She could almost feel his scaled hands roaming her body, holding her hands, cupping her face. They were big and scarred. His lips against hers, passionate. Loving. He treated her like he would the gods.

It didn't heal the hole in her heart, but something felt a little lighter; like her soul was touched in that instance.

It'd have to be enough; until she could end things.

What did Thane call this? It started with a T.

Tu-fira, she believed. "Lost in another". Fitting to describe her current state. She was lost in him, so deeply and completely she'd forgotten what life was like before loving him. Now, she was lost without him and his presence, wondering how to bottle it up.

Tu-fira. Thane failed to mention how utterly torturous such a state could be.