From The Mouth of Madness:
(Possible spoilers)
"The acrid air is heavy
With hate
And a question hangs in the haze,
'When will you rage?'"
He goes to see her.
Levi is reluctant, moreover confused at such an earnest request, but eventually after countless nagging ("If I let you see her, will you stop being such a whiny shit?") allows Eren visitation privileges. Armin tries to be understanding, but the cynical part of him clearly disapproves, and while he smiles sympathetically, the authenticity does not quite reach his blue eyes. Mikasa doesn't bother hiding her disdain, looking at him in shock when he attempts to explain, her full lips deepening into a scowl.
They don't understand.
He needs to do this.
Everyone always tell him doubtlessly how brave he is, how loyal, how dedicated, how compassionate. In the beginning, he appreciated these compliments. Even when they called him suicidal and reckless, Eren liked that they viewed him in such a manner. As time went past, things changed. The sad truth is, Eren Jeager is none of those things. Maybe he never was. The point is that Eren is never in control. He's a spectrum of flailing emotions, uncontrollable and irrefutable. Even when the Titan side of him isn't threatening to devour what little humanity he contains left, he's spiraling into the brink of insanity. Always has been. Even before the events of Trost, he was always malicious, remorseless, and frothing with vengeance. All he has left is to win or to lose, to fight or to die, and it's because of this epiphany that he realizes they weren't so different after all.
So he goes. Perhaps to prove himself wrong (because that's what he's been hoping) or to grant himself some soft of closure that he hasn't received yet. Mostly to walk into that room and have his shoulders sag with relief when he notes contently that they're nothing alike.
Eren can't be a monster like her, but he's ruthless like her. He dismisses emotions like her. He murdered like her. Worst of all, what contrived this very theory in the first place, is that he did it in cold blood. Just like her. These conflicting thoughts mash and clash until they turn to mush in his head.
He can't understand her- he hates her. He can't be like her- he hates her.
He can't hate her- she cried.
And now he wonders if he hadn't seen those silvery lines of tears, would he have swallowed her? Would he have bitten into her skin until her blood scattered like red rain across the sunset? Would he have stomped on her, again and again, his humanity slipping from his fingertips like sand? Was it her tears that had saved him from that ruthless fate? Despite all his analyzing, he never did manage to figure out why. He understands she's done evil things, but does that make her evil?
Flashes of their bloodied, lifeless bodies splash on the canvas of his mind. Petra's unblinking eyes and bent back are enough to make hatred fuel in his veins. He hates her, he hates her, he hates her, he hates her-
She's his friend.
He walks past the guards, heart pounding too fiercely and far to bewildered to bother with a passing salute.
His breath catches once he steps into the room.
She's like sleeping beauty.
A story once spoken by Armin has suddenly come to life.
She's like sleeping beauty, only he can't wake her up with a kiss, or anything else for that matter. It's a look and not touch situation, and Eren finds irony with that. Bitter, half-hearted amusement is the only thing that seems to keep him going. Even when Annie hadn't been encased in a hardened crystal- timeless, peaceful, eyes closed and lips parted- no one bothered with approaching her. It simply wasn't allowed. She would glower at them, her silence like a brought down dagger, and her blue eyes icy with frost. Everything you were about to say would cease upon that vexed look, and you would falter as her hostility engulfed you. And then she would stalk away, and your shoulders would sag with the relief that came with the dissipating tension.
Look and not touch.
Annie's there.
His fist quivers. Eren expects rage, but it never comes. Just sadness. Different emotions wash over him- anger is definitely one of them, but it's potent and vague, and Eren can't feed off of it like he usually does- and he allows himself to drown in them. He staggers back, ready to leave, because this isn't what he prepared himself for. He can feel judgment radiating off her in waves, and this irritates him. He's not supposed to feel guilty, she is! She's the one that murdered his friends in front of him, but she's also the one that spared Armin's life. His life.
"You're a coward," he finally says. Maybe she can hear him, maybe she can't. "A fucking coward." He settles into his annoyance, something that's comfortable and familiar. Murderous anger, passionate rage; he was the very definition of it. Something he can comprehend. This new feeling isn't decipherable, and the idea only surges on his frustration. "We could've talked it out." They both know that's not the truth. Eren steps forward and places a hand on the flat surface. It's burning, but it's cold. If only he could touch her. Hit her. Hug her. "You betrayed us all!" He's raging now, the flames lapping at his sides. "For absolutely nothing."
He takes a deep breath.
If her eyes flashed open now, what kind of emotion would they convey? Amusement? Sorrow? Nothing?
"Are you a monster?"
The crystal glimmers, almost mockingly. He sees his reflection in it beside her hand. His green eyes are sharper, narrowed, full of unanswered questions and an underlying oblivion he's scared to look too closely into. He's afraid of what he'll see.
Are you? That's what she would respond with if she could. He actually thinks she's a shitty liar, so of course she would prolong the question with another.
"No." There's a lingering uncertainty that echoes around the room.
He sees her smug (and cruel) smirk before he can thrust the image from his mind. They hadn't been particularly close- not like he is with Armin and Mikasa- but they were friends. He likes to think they were, even after the revelation. Friends. Acquaintances isn't personal enough, and he most certainly took it personally when Armin announced his theory that later was truth. So friends. He'll leave it at that. Enemies now, but friends before.
They sparred before. Annie taught him how to fight better. Eren told himself that it was only because she was the most experienced, the most skilled. His past enthusiasm made her smile, a genuine one. An excited one. Her grey-blue eyes had lit up upon his quip ("Did I do it right? Can you teach me?") and she grinned, nodding with acceptance.
Was she a monster?
Did monster's cry?
What makes someone a monster?
He's not thinking about mythical creatures, nor is he thinking about the distilled black and white villain character's in Armin's collection of books. Eren's not thinking of the Titans, he's envisioning real people in real life with all their own complexities. Annie Leonhardt was sad and complicated. Did she have full understanding of the harm she would cause? Did she commit her actions for no "greater good", but rather selfish wants?
Eren's voice sounds raspy, "Why?"
Why indeed.
"I should hate you."
But you see me in you.
"Yes."
Do you think I'm evil?
"I think there was a time when you were good," he admits, blinking back the rapid tears that were beginning to cloud his vision. He only offers this answer. He's not sure yet. He doesn't know the whole story, but does he need to?
You've killed. Did you enjoy it?
"They deserved it."
That doesn't answer my question.
"Yes. Do you think I'm a monster?"
Down here, the air is acrid. Hate spreads throughout the small room, and questions hang in the haze.
When will you rage?
This is the last time Eren visits Annie.
I just finished this anime, and while I can't actually see Eren/Annie happening, I do realize the potential. I tried to keep this more Eren-centric, so hopefully you enjoyed it. This is my first Attack On Titan fanfiction, so reviews on your thoughts make me happy and less uncertain.