[A/N: Another Nonsense story. Is there a point? With me... there never is a point ^_^. But surprisingly this is kind of a serious story. Hope you enjoy it. Oh and no, don't worry there isn't anything to do with wars.]

The Five Stages - Chapter one: Denial

Seeing the door to my shared apartment after a day of work was always the highest point of my day. About a year ago I would have said entering was the best part but now that Demyx, my roommate and my boyfriend of five years, was no longer sharing the small house the charm of entering seemed to deplete to an astounding zero. But every time my hand reach for the doorknob, after unlocking the door, I felt a bolt of energy fill me as if I expect Demyx to be standing there with his huge goofy grin. Yet, of course, he never was.

Demyx hadn't had a choice, but he never complained about it. Yet I never heard him talk about it as if it were something he looked forward to and gave him pride. He used to say, ' Its just some obstacle in my life, once its over I'll get to be with my love forever on.' He is such an optimistic romantic unlike me, the pessimistic realist. Demyx's father had been what you would call a 'war hero', even earning himself a Purple Heart. Because of this, it was only natural for Demyx to enlist in the army once he reached the age eighteen. When I asked why he did it he only shrugged and said 'I don't want dad to think of me as even more of a disappointment.' Ever since Demyx came out of the so-called closet his dad hadn't been the same towards him. Not exactly cold, just aloof. It was obvious his father had planned out something different and had been looking forward to grandchildren and a huge marriage ceremony, but instead got me, Zexion. I completely understood why a man with as much pride as him would be upset over his son being gay. But at least he took it as a man and was still friendly towards me.

I had been fine with Demyx enlisting, because when we were eighteen all the worlds around us seemed so peaceful. All I had to deal with was Demyx's pains from boot camp and I had no problem playing nurse for the blond. (Thankfully they never shaved his locks.) That was until war broke out in Hallow Bastion and he was called to fight. He had told me it was going to be okay and that he refused to die before seeing me hit the age of one hundred, since we are only twenty-two we both have a ways to go. I'd always jokingly reply, 'What if I die before then?' And he'd shake his head and laugh lines would form under his eyes as he said 'Then I guess I'll never die huh?' He promised that he'd not die in any fight even if he were the only one standing. A foolish promise, but I took it to heart.

Today, I yet again opened my door to a Demyx-less space, which, as always, depressed me. The mail sat on the floor in front of the door from being pushed through the mail slot by either the mailman or our landlord. I picked it up idly flipping through the junk mail. Then my heart dropped. A bulky letter sat at the bottom of the stack tearing a hole through my heart. It was addressed from the army and without even opening the letter I knew for a fact, it was bad news. I had only gotten letters addressed from Demyx's himself, still being the helpless romantic he always was, never the actual army.

Half of me wanted to rip open the letter as fast as I could while the other half of me wanted to discard it and forget about it. Either way I knew the news wouldn't change. Knowing I probably couldn't open it myself, me being the foolish person who always needed to lean on someone, I unpocketed my cell and speed dialed Riku's number. Riku had always been there for me and was my only friend (not counting Demyx). We were best friends for as long as I could remember and he was the first one to find out I was gay, so he introduced me to Demyx. Luckily, unlike most best friends, we still were there for each other and never grew apart. In fact, he lived just down the street making hanging out incredibly easy, and ever since Demyx left he visited a lot because I was always 'lonely'.

Riku picked up almost instantly, he always worried about me. "Hey Kid."

"Hi…" I answered hesitantly, I was trying to act like it was nothing. He didn't need to worry so much about me.

"You okay?" it was no use, like always he had picked out the real emotions from the monotony voice.

Since my cover was already blown I saw no reason to keep up the act. Frantically I spoke at alarming speeds," Riku, I'm scared. Please come over."

He sounded anxious as he said ' I'll be there in a flash' and then hung up. I sat down on the coach and stared at the golden print on the unopened envelope. The weight of the mail disgusted me but I couldn't seem to put it down even for even a second. It was as if the longer I held it the better the report would be. It didn't take long before the door of the apartment burst open and the silver haired man came almost sprinting inside my house.

Looking back at the paper in my hands I informed him, "You didn't have to hurry."

Catching his breath he smiled," It's no biggy. What's that?" He asked tapping the note that was pressed furiously between my two fingers.

I found it hard to form words as I looked up at him. "I... I don't know."

"Shit..." he said. His eyes grew wide as he saw whom the letter was from. "Zexion... do you know what it says?"

"I'm afraid to open it."

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "Just do it. It could be something good! Maybe he won an award like his old man."

"Or maybe he died." I shot back a little too harshly, but Riku didn't even flinch. He only nodded and then took the letter from my shaking hands. I let him have it knowing there was no way I could open it myself but everything seemed to move so slow as he opened the envelope and unfolded the multiple papers inside. I watched him read it hoping to find a smile on his face but instead a mask of cool distance formed. After shuffling through a few of the papers he handed over the note with a worried expression written all over his once masked face. I knew it had to be bad if he couldn't even hide his emotion. Taking a deep breath, a failed attempt to calm myself, I looked down at the paper. The deep breath wasn't enough to help me through the next few minutes. In fact, it felt like I had gotten the wind knocked out of me and I tried helplessly to keep my face dry as I gasped for air. I threw the letter away from me and it fluttered in slow motion to the ground. Riku hugged me tightly to him in what could only be called less than a second nature action and we stayed like that for a few forevers.

Once I finish crying I meekly picked up the letter, with Riku's arm still around my shoulder, and began to re-read it. It was one of those letters where you knew that the person who wrote it didn't even give a damn about who they wrote it about. It was one where you knew for a fact that they just changed the name and the problem to match the person. Of course the army meant none of the sorry's that were typed mindlessly in the letter. They couldn't give a damn Demyx was Missing in Action. He was just another fucking foot solider to them.

"This isn't fair." I said between sobs," He didn't deserve something like this."

"Kid…" He trailed off, I could tell he was feeling awkward about the current situation. But I understood, what would you say to someone who'd just lost their boyfriend to a war? Lie and say that everything will be all right? Of course not, Riku wasn't stupid. I knew if Demyx wasn't around nothing would be okay for me and so did he. It was common knowledge that after loving someone for so long that if they disappeared one could die of heartbreak. And that was my plan. "Just because he is missing.... It doesn't mean he is..." he trailed off again. I put my head in my hands as I began to involuntarily shake uncontrollably and repeating ' Demyx you promised, you promised' over and over.

As soon as Riku's warmth left me when he got up from the couch, I felt with every passing second as if the time not knowing if Demyx was alive would crush me. I knew it wasn't long before he came back but it seemed like a century to me.

"Here. I thought you might want it." his voiced softly sounded as he held something to me. I looked up at it, a bottle of Jack Daniels was in his hands. I couldn't ever remembering it being in the house, but at the moment I couldn't remember much else other than pointless heartbreaking memories of Demyx at his sweetest. "Why don't you come to my house. It's better than being here alone." he said when I didn't take it. I nodded still staring at the liquid in the bottle before me as if I had never seen something like it before. With his free hand he helped me up, then led me out the door to his place.

I didn't even care if anyone was staring at Riku, whom was basically dragging me over to his house. His house was a lot nicer than Demyx and mine's because his parents had been rich and lent him as much money has he wanted. Riku always thought it was so that he'd leave the parents' house as soon as he possibly could. But I couldn't blame his parents for that, he was always quite the troublemaker. The sliver haired man shifted me as he unlocked his door and led me inside. The coolness of the house hit me as soon as we walked in, his air conditioner was on no matter what the weather was like outside. Therefore Demyx and I referred to his house as 'the icebox'.

"Cold as always. What is this a morgue?" I said, attempting to lighten the mood, but it only came out bitter.

"Hey! No complaining." He laughed but I could easily tell it was fake. Suddenly, I was ashamed of myself I shouldn't be so sullen, Demyx was a part of his life too. "You okay?" His voice brought my out of my thoughts. I nodded mindlessly as I sit down on the usual love seat that I seemed to occupy every time I came over. He set the alcohol on the glass coffee table in front of me and then turn to the kitchen to get us glasses or at least that was what I assumed. As Riku left the room to get them I noted the little things I neglected to notice before, anything to keep my mind off Demyx. I hadn't realized 'til now how muscular Riku actually was until now. Though, he was more lean than muscular, cat-like seemed to describe him the best out of anything I could think off. Riku's frame was basically opposite from mine. I faintly remembered Demyx at one time comparing me to a music box ballerina. Soon after I had half playfully half with anger tackled him to the floor. He compared everything to ridiculous objects and people, it was funny when it wasn't you.

I spaced out until I was brought back to reality by weigh settling next to me. I glanced over to see Riku slumped forward pouring a drink. I noticed there was only one cup and I stared at it confused.

"Why-"

He interrupted me, "I have work tomorrow, It'd be best for me not to drink." He handed over the amber colored liquid and I held it in my hand for a second just gazing at the color it gave off. The fair-haired man tapped at the glass as if to remind me that it was still there. I nodded then briskly threw all down my throat in one drink. Riku laughed," Don't be so quick about it. It's been awhile since you last had something like that, hasn't it?"

Setting the cup down I leaned onto the back of the leather sofa, "Yeah, maybe a year or so. It's a nice feeling though, being numb, I think I missed it." I admitted catching glances at the bottle hoping my friend would pour me more. Thinking back I had two reason why I didn't drink. One was because I used to not have to when Demyx was around. Instead of getting 'numbed' by the endless cups of alcohol I could just reach up, get a kiss and things would seem better. And now I couldn't do that I felt it was best to go back to my old ways, even though I knew Demyx wouldn't like it. The other reason I couldn't quite remember nor at the moment did I care. "Riku... I miss him so much, he has been gone for so long."

He made a small noise from his throat that I couldn't really identify but I took it as an agreement to my comment. My eyes lit up as an idea came to mind. "Riku! I bet they just sent the letter to the wrong person, you know? That they meant to give it to someone else with someone else's name right? It makes sense. Someone could have the same name or close right?" I was basically bouncing on the couch with this idea. If what I thought was true Demyx, my lover, could walk into the door at any minute! "Riku. I gotta get home! He might come home any minute! And as always he probably lost his key and I-" I had started to stand as I said this trying to hurry back to my house but Riku caught a hold of my hoodie and pulled me back to the sofa.

"Zexy, that letter was meant for you." He said staring at me intensely, "The army doesn't make mistakes like that."

"Sure they do! And of they haven't before there is always a first time right?" I said nodding. I knew what I was talking about.

"Kid…", was all he said. I knew he meant it seriously, he only called me that when he wanted me to listen or he was worried about me.

"What... You think I could be wrong? You think he's never coming home?" I asked in spite of myself.

He shook his head fiercely, "No! That's not what I meant."

"You're just saying all this because you don't want him back. You don't want me to be happy." I said glaring at him with disbelief.

He sighed," Don't be like this, you're not thinking straight. Here have another drink, it will calm you." He tried to hand me another glassful but I knocked it out of his hand. It fell to the ground and shattered into almost invisible pieces of glass.

Instantly I felt bad about it. "I'm sorry. That got out of hand." With my eyes still on the glass I heard Riku inhale a deep breath and then let it out a few seconds later. I peered up at him just in time to see his head shaking slowly.

"No, it's my fault. I'll go get another glass and clean that up." he said getting up from his spot and making another trip to the kitchen.

"Umm. You don't need to get another glass." I informed him. He turned confused, but once he saw that I had the bottle in my hand he nodded thoughtfully then turned back to the door to get a broom. It was going to be a long night.

xXx

When I awoke I didn't open my eyes, I knew it would hurt too much for me to do so. My head was throbbing more than I could ever remember. In fact, I felt bloody horrible. The second I became conscious it took everything I had not to scream out in pain like my body wanted me too. It felt like a train had just unexpectedly hit me. Every bone, muscle and joint hurt in my body hurt, if that was even possible. Not only that, my mouth was dry to the point of having a cottonmouth and had the worst taste I had ever experienced in my life. And although the temperature outside my casing of blankets was extremely cold I was hot and sweaty. I hated being this hot, eyes still closed I attempted to kick off the blankets surrounding me, but my legs ceased to work well. With each movement it felt like the train had backed up and hit me again. But worse of all I couldn't remember anything that happened last night.

"Zexion?" a voice asked close by.

"Yeah?" I answered uneasy about last night.

"You can open your eyes, I made it so that it's dark enough in here for you to do so. You... over did the alcohol I think..." he said again. I listened to him and opened my eyes to see a concerned looking Riku standing over me. At the sight of him flash of incoherent happenings from last night came flashing by in random clips. It was like a whirlwind of overwhelming information as I sat up and tried to regain my mind from the unusual blast of thoughts. At first I tried to calm myself by telling myself 'we were both drunk, it happens'. That was until I remembered Riku hadn't even been tipsy.

I glared at Riku," How could you?"

"How... could I what?" He asked staring at me right back.

"You know." I said frustrated," My God, and the day after Demyx disappears you sex up his drunken boyfriend. You're quite the friend."

Then Riku's face crumbled from its perfectly refined mask to a pained expression. "Zexion, you asked for it. I only did it because you begged me to. I don't want to hurt you anymore than you already are hurt."

My head snapped up at his words," I was drunk Riku. You should know better, you should KNOW I get like that when I'm drunk. You should have known better than to give that to me. I hadn't been thinking right. Riku, what you did was basically raping me. If I had been in the right mind this would have never happened." I was to angry to even think my words over they just came spilling out my mouth.

"It's not my fucking fault Zexion. Don't you DARE blame all this on me. It takes two to tango you know."

"Sure it takes two. But it takes one to lead, and I sure as hell wasn't that one." I said my hand clutching into fists. I had betrayed Demyx only a few hours after his disappearance letter had shown up at my house. I didn't know who I hated more, Riku or myself. My eyes started to burn as tears started to form as I swung my legs over the side of the bed, getting ready to leave. Suddenly Riku grabbed for my hand and I tried to pull away but his grip was too tight.

"Let go of me Riku."

"No, not until you hear me out." Riku said, eyes blazing, "Damn it Zexion. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. Yes, I should have known better but emotions took over and it was too late to stop once I realized I shouldn't have gone that far." His hold lessened and his face softened as he said. "Zexion, I love you. God do I love you. I always have."

I yanked my arm away, "Riku, I'm not that foolish. I was just part of your sadist little game. But you know what, I'm done. I'm done with everything." I then threw on my clothes and ran out of the house ignoring the continuous stream of 'I'm sorry' 'Don't leave' and the attempts to grab me and put me back on the bed to ' think about everything'. I was done, as I said. This was too much for me to bear. The could-be death of my boyfriend of five years and then I cheat. What kind of person am I?

The next thing I know I am kneeling on the abandoned beach, since it's still early in the morning, crying uncontrollably. All thoughts, feelings, and wants all mesh together into a mass of confusion. In other words I am a total mess. I can hear the endless stream of 'I'm sorry Demyx, please forgive me' but it took me too long to understand I was the one saying it. A pair of hands touch my shoulder and I shrugged them off. I knew it wouldn't be so easy for me to get him to leave but I didn't think he'd do what he did next. Because I was as close to the water without getting wet as I could possibly be I didn't expect him to come around to my face. I didn't want him to see how badly I was crying, but unfortunately he didn't care anymore. In fact not only did he come around the front but he knelt before me, half submerged in water.

"Your getting wet." I pointed out.

He just shook his head. "Kid..."

"Yeah... What do you want?" I asked pulling my head in the other direction from him. But he took a long finger and pulled my head back so it was impossible for me to look away.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never do that. You know that. I was an insincere bastard with too many emotions. But one fact doesn't change." he said wiping a tear from my face. I closed my eyes as he leaned in and whispered, "I still love you.." He kissed my forehead before pulling me into a tight embrace. "My stupid mistake, and I'll take all the blame, all off it. I'll do anything, anything at all if you would just forgive me."

"Go kill yourself?" I asked.

"Anything."

I laid my head on his shoulders as I said, "Don't do that though. Because there is no need for me to forgive you." Nestling in his hair I breathed, "Because I already have." I never did find out how I could forgive him so fast. Maybe it was because he understood how I felt and could help me through the days that would seem endless without anyone. Either way I did, and felt no need to push him away from me as he held me in his arms and I finished wiping my tears.

After a few more minutes we let go of each other and sat staring out at the endless ocean in front of us.

Smiling sadly I said," Did you know this is where Demyx and I had out first date? I guess it's a good way to end, with the beginning."

Rubbing my back to comfort me the silver haired man cooed," Don't be so negative, he could come back."

"Yes. That's true." I glanced up at Riku and smiled, "I shouldn't lose hope yet should I?"

He grinned back, "No. You know him. He'll come running back just like a lost puppy." I imagined Demyx with his silly little smile running up the apartment stairs at full speed and plowing into the door and laughed. "And then, you guys will make the perfect couple again." as he said that his happy tone fumbled a little. Although he wanted Demyx back, as he said 'he loved me'.

Uncomfortable by his tone I hid it by brushing off sand that had found its way onto my clothes. "Well. Zexion, only time will tell."