Air Gear: Minna no Gravity
We have always been together…
Always?
"I worry about you, you know." He looked down, tucked his chin between his knees and looked down at his shoes. The soles lay flush against the cracked asphalt, and the feeling of that, of being tied to the ground surprised me. I wonder at it sometimes. Why do we have to be tied to anything to feel safe? But to move, to soar the sky like Ikki does, well, it doesn't feel like anything at all. Freedom is to lose oneself and some people find the idea scary.
It was exhilerating.
Sometimes. Right now, though, I knew that he was just afraid. It's a normal state with him. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be here, but sometimes I get tired of it. Like I have to babysit him forever. And he was scared that I would go away, leave him before he was ready. This kid, I knew, would always be afraid of losing himself.
But right now, so am I.
"Don't," I said. "You should just think about yourself. I'm perfectly fine."
"You say that just to make me feel better," he said. "But I know how you get tired sometimes. I'm asking too much of you."
"I wouldn't do anything I don't want to. I'm not like you."
He looked up and smiled. But the smile was just a fleeting thing, like the flare of a cigarette in a dark room. I closed my eyes, telling myself that I don't want to go there, think about that again. But I knew it was because he was thinking of it, and my mind wasn't so separate that he couldn't lead me on where he wants to. It started like we were just roommates in this body. Now I'm not so sure.
"He can make you," he pointed out, stressing the 'he'.
"You're feeling cocky because he's not here," I said, copying his tone.
"Yes." He smiled again. "But you… it's you I don't understand. That's why I said I was worried."
"Don't be," I said again. "This is our road. Everyone has a path to take. That much I know. That much he understands."
He lowered his head, burying his face against his thighs so that his voice came out muffled. "I'm scared."
"Hell, I am, too."
"I thought nothing scared you," he whispered.
"Well, you can't let fear rule your life. In the end it's always your choice." I looked up at the night sky. It was too cloudy to see the stars, but thinking of them made me feel happier, pin pricks of light hiding behind the darkness. They were always there, even if I can't see them. Freedom can only be so exhilirating, but you need something to tie you down, too, or you'd just lose yourself entirely.
A part of me calls to you, but I know better.
I have to stay away or I'd lose myself into you. Your brightness that would sear me, swallow me whole. Your darkness for mine. We feed on each other…
But you would always be stronger.
"You don't hate it, when I'm with Ikki?" he said.
I laughed. That was the last thing I'd expected him to say. I shrugged.
"But you don't like him that way," he went on.
"No," I said. "Thank God. I can't commend your taste in men, but no, I don't hate it. He's interesting, at least. It's amusing."
"You sound a bit like him."
I didn't have to ask him whom he meant. I said nothing.
"What are you going to do?"
"Who knows?" I said. His other questions hung heavily in the air and he tried to figure out what to say first, and what to keep to himself. There were things that we had to keep private, even among the both of us, just to maintain the feeling of being whole.
He settled for the easiest thing to say. "Why?"
I laughed again. Really, this kid should do a one-man show. It would be a kick, especially since it wouldn't exactly be one-man. "Because he's beautiful, for one. Isn't that reason enough?"
"You see yourself in him, maybe that's why," he said, softly because he was afraid to make me angry. "This is weird. I never thought of him that way."
"Because you're a kid."
"And you're not?" he said, justifiably.
"I'm more mature than you," I pointed out.
"So you say." This time he smiled almost patronizingly, but it was better than the first one.
"You think different?"
"I think it's because he can keep you in check. Because he's crazier than you. He can overpower you, I think that's also why."
"You're saying that he's a sadist, and I'm a masochist? Me?"
"But you said so yourself, you like Ikki kun because you find him interesting. You like to amuse yourself. People like Ikki-kun, there's not a lot of them, are there? And people like Onii-chan, well I don't think people like those exist."
I wish I could go away. If I don't say anything the conversation would be over. He'd never been the kind the kind to pursue anything where he wasn't wanted, at least until Ikki. But how can I say nothing to that?And I knew what he really wanted to say, what this conversation was really about. Why he was worried about me.
"This is fine," I began, searching for the right words. I never rationalized all of it in my mind, like in a blueprint but I guess all the information were just there, waiting for me to make use of them. "We can't be with him. He's not good for you. He loves you too much. We have to away."
"But you—"
"I'm good like this. When he's around I lose control of the situation. Big time. I kind of like the feeling of being free to do what I want right now." I tried to smile. But it was a weak thing, with too many teeth.
"But you want to see him."
"I do see him once in a while. The I remember why I wanted to go away in the first place. It's funny but we're not really good for each other." I stood up. The ATs were just beside me but I didn't put them on. For now I could go with what he wanted, at his pace. "He knows that. That's why he's scared of me. Because we know each other."
"So you know he's scared of you." He laughed.
"Of course he is."