Bard: I'm telling ya, I read it somewhere. Ya just lick the letters of the alphabet.

Hannah: Please, it's a vagina, not a fucking paint by numbers!

*all turn to look at Hannah*

Hannah: Well, it's not.

Alois: You see, this is why I like dick. It's just all out there for you to see. No weird hidden folds or anything. Vaginas are terrifying.

Ciel: Have you actually seen a vagina?

Alois: Well, not like, in the flesh. But Claude gave me a book on puberty. Scarred me for life. *pause* did you know that every month for a week straight women bleed and don't die?

Ciel: …that's not true. It's an old wives' tale or something.

Alois: It's true, Ciel.

Ciel: Well then the women who do that are witches!

*silence*

Alois: *whispering* Lizzy does it too

Ciel: That's not true! Right Lizzy?

Lizzy: He…he...he.

Ciel: Oh my god, my fiancé's a witch

Alois: Ciel, don't you know anything about this shit?

Ciel: I—I have a very busy life and talking about this kind of stuff just hasn't come up yet!

Claude: *to Sebastian* You really haven't taught him anything?

Sebastian: In my defense, I assumed at this age he already knew everything.

Hannah: Well, when you tell him just don't do it like Claude did.

Claude: I did nothing wrong.

Hannah: The first words out of your mouth were "don't have sex because you will get cancer and die"!

Claude: It's called honesty, Hannah!

Hannah: You made Jim cry!

Timber: Cried like a little baby.

Thompson: Kinda ugly when he cries.

Canterbury: But still kinda cute. Like one of those dogs with a squished face.

Alois: Hey, three douche-kateers, did I say you could talk?

Hannah: Well if Sebastian isn't going to have the talk with Ciel, then who will?

Madam Red: I should do it. After all, I am his aunt and it's the least I can do, being his last living relation.

Lizzy: Um, Ciel has me and my fa—

Madam Red: *grabbing Ciel* Oh my poor innocent nephew! So pure and untouched from the filthiness of the world!

Sebastian: *under his breath* If only you knew.

Soma: I will have the talk with Ciel. After all, I am a man and his best friend.

Ciel: Okay, first of all that sentence is only half true. And second of all I am not going to talk to you about that!

Alois: Well look Ciel, you gotta have the talk at some point!

Grell: What talk?

Alois: The sex talk.

Grell: …you're kidding me right? Look, if you all want I can do it. I can knock this whole thing out in like five minutes.

Sebastian: …I don't trust this.

Ciel: Neither do I. How do I know you're not just going to lie to me?

Grell: Look brat, I may be a lot of things, but I am not a liar.

Mey-Rin: Didn't you lie about killing prostitutes?

Grell: HEY! That was not lying, that was just withholding the truth. Alright, now let's do this. Where to begin, where to begin?

Alois: Oh, I have got to watch this.

Grell: Have you had your first erection yet?

Ciel: My first what?

Grell: *sighs and rubs bridge of nose* Has your peepee stood up on its own yet?

Ciel: Oh *blushes* uh, yes.

Grell: Okay, well what did you do about it?

Ciel: Well, I told Sebastian and he said he'd take care of it.

Grell: Well, that's one way to—

*all eyes shift to Sebastian*

Sebastian: …hehehe I'm a demon. I have no morals.

Grell: So you'll touch his dick but you won't fuck me? Well fuck this then! *gets up to leave* I'll just…go find a cucumber or something! *door slams*

*silence*

Claude: Well, that derailed quickly.

Hannah: Well, somebody has to teach him about sex!

Alois: Alright, alright. Claude, go get that book you gave me. *sits by Ciel* Lesson number one: if it's on a girl, it's too confusing and scary to deal with. Just remember "if it's tucked, it won't be fucked. If it's out, it's in my mouth."

Ciel: You realize that last one didn't rhyme, right?

Alois: Do you want to learn about this shit or not?

Ciel: Fine, fine!

Alois; Sebastian, go get us some tea. We have a long night ahead of us!

So, this is my first crack fic, which was (appropriately) written late at night. Hope you guys enjoyed, and please feel free to rate and review