How Brian and Glenn's Rivalry Should Have Begun

an alternate take on two scenes from "Jerome is the New Black"

by LDEJRuff

At the Quahog Steakhouse, Brian has tried many attempts to get Glenn to like him, but with unsuccessful results, as Glenn was eating his steak.

"So..." Brian began. Pause. "Whose leg do you have to hump To get a dry martini around here?" he continued with a chuckle.

Glenn said nothing, eating his steak.

"God, look at the size of these steak knives," Brian said, inspecting a knife. "What are they serving us? Tyrannosaurus rex?"

"Not likely," Glenn simply replied.

Brian put his knife down, then grabbed a ketchup bottle. "Hey, what if I just drank this whole bottle of ketchup?" He acted as if he would, but actually didn't, then put it down. "Can you imagine? You dare me?"

"Kind of ruins it for the next person who might want some ketchup," Glenn simply replied.

Brian put down the bottle and looked at his steak. Pause. "So, how's the flying business?"

"Not so great," Glenn answered, cutting his steak. "The economy's sort of taken its toll, Lot of salary cuts, lot of layoffs."

"Yeah?"

"That's pretty much it," Glenn continued. "I mean, you want to learn more, read the papers, go on the internet, I don't know."
"Boy, that's got to be an interesting job," Brian replied. "I'll bet you got... How do those things work?"

"What, planes? How does a plane work?"

"Yeah."

"You want me to sit here and explain to you how a plane works?"

"I don't know," Brian answerd, cringing. "Yeah."

Glenn had pretty much enough of Brian trying to like him. "You want to maybe just go?"

"Quagmire, come on, I'm really trying hard here."

"Who asked you to try hard?"

"Nobody, but all... I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?"

"Okay. I'll tell you," Glenn responded. "You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife..."

"Like you do sometimes," Holden Caufeild interrupted, pointing at him.

"Hey, I don't need some intellectual butting in my conversation between someone I don't like!" Glenn shouted back before turning to Brian. "Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you From certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, 'oh, I'll get you later,' but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend You're this deep guy who loves women for their souls When all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it."

"But at least some of the women you date try to avoid you," Holden interrupted again.

"Butt out!" Glenn shouted back before turning to Brian. "And about the women I date, Brian? I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretatioon f how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat." This stung the person in question emotionally. "And that's why you like him so much- he's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some Great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no 'a' in the word 'definite'. And I think what I hate most about you Is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," How big business is crushing the underclass, How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle! And, by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh, wait, you don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots'! Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see?"

"What about the four children you never get to see?" Holden interrupted again. That time prompted Glenn to get on his last nerve, as he was about to blow his stack.

"All right, that's it!" Glenn shouted, completely losing it. "I have had it with you!"

"And I didn't appreciate you calling me a spoiled brat, you phony!" Holden replied.

"Just sit down and shut the hell up!" Glenn shouted back.

Brian was emotionally hurt by all this, but after hearing what Holden said, he lowered his eyebrows. "You know what, Glenn?" he responded, getting his attention. "I was going to ask you to be part of your group. But now, you can just forget that, just scratch it off, because Holden Caulfeild is right about you. You're a cheating pervert, you're a registered sex offender, and you're a neglectful father!" Brian pointed at Glenn at this. "Add it all up, and what do you get? A phony! And that's just how I'll remember you now, Glenn. As a phony." With that, Brian walked away, regretting ever inviting him.

"Hey," Glenn gloated, getting Brian's attention. Flipping Brian off, he continued, "Thanks for the ******* steak."

Brian scoffed and continued to walk away, not looking back.

"Wow," Holden said, crossing his arms. "That dog took the words right out of my mouth."

"Oh, shut up," Glenn regarded.

Later that night, when Brian came home, he entered Stewie's room, still wearing an angry expression.

"Hey, Brian," Stewie greeted from inside his crib. "How'd it go?"

"Not so good," Brian replied.

"What happened?"

"After learning from Holden Caufeild, I realize that Quagmire's nothing but a jerk, and he still doesn't like me."

"You want to know something?" Stewie began. "You don't need him to like you. You only need one person to like you. And that person is you. And I'll tell you something else, I like you."

What Stewie said to Brian felt heartwarming to him. "Thanks."

"You want to sleep in my room?" Stewie requested.

"Yeah," Brian answered, "that'd be nice."

With that, Brian nestled himself by the crib as Stewie was about to turn off the light.

"Good night, Brian," Stewie said.

"Good night, Stewie," Brian replied as Stewie turned off the light. Pause. Afterwards, there was the sound of breaking wind.

"Oh, come on, man," Stewie said, annoyed.

The End