Beneath the Memory Stamp - Part 1

Sam put on a kettle of water to boil and turned her music up, in the hopes of drowning out her own thoughts. She hoped a cup of tea might help her relax. She was annoyed that the guys were getting their memories back faster than her. Brenna had suggested it could be because Sam was used to taking orders or because she liked something about the mind stamp. Neither of those suggestions had improved Sam's sour mood. She took her tea and curled up on her sofa with a magazine that she opened but didn't read.

Several SG teams were being led by Majors. Those teams were all research teams, none of them were responsible for first contact and they weren't considered front line teams, but they were still being led by men who had the same command title she held. Was she still second in command of SG-1 because General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill felt she was best suited to taking commands not giving them? Is that how most of her colleagues saw her, as a follower?

Of course, one of those research teams might be exactly what her future held, but not as a commander. Colonel O'Neill would be well within his rights to have her transferred, based on her actions over the last two weeks. She drank the last of her tea, which had only helped a little, cleaned up the kitchen, turned off the lights and headed to the bathroom. She'd been so anxious to leave the mountain that she'd skipped her shower, deciding she'd rather take a bath when she got home.

She avoided looking at herself when she entered the bathroom. She knew she'd lost weight and was covered in bruises from working on the generators. She ran a tub of hot water and added some lavender oil. She changed the music to some smooth jazz before sliding into the tub. She forced herself to relax as she began scrubbing away the layer of dirt that she'd collected over the last two weeks. Once she felt marginally clean, she filled her hand with shampoo and reached up, getting a sudden reminder of the haircut she'd been given to better facilitate the mind stamping process.

"Your hair has gotten a bit longer." He reached up and slowly tucked a lock behind her ear.

"That happens when you haven't been able to make an appointment to see your beautician for far too long." The waves crashed on the beach in front of them as two moons show their light down upon on them. They were both leaning back against a log a few feet in front of their campfire on P3X-234. Teal'c was in a deep state of kelnoream and Jack had decided to stay up for part of Sam's watch. They'd been stuck here for three days so far, waiting for Earth to get the second gate up and running.

"I like it." Their eyes met. "It suits you."

Her eyes flew open. Their feelings weren't part of the memory stamp. They'd been playing with fire before being held captive. Sam shook off the memory, refusing to think about how she'd kept her hair long because she knew he liked it. She stood up, opened the tub drain, and turned on the shower to rinse off before getting out. She toweled off before brushing the short locks, putting on her pajamas, and then brushing her teeth. She climbed in bed, hoping the bath had relaxed her enough to let her get some much-needed sleep.

Two hours later she jerked awake from a too realistic dream that she wished wasn't based on the reality of how his lips felt against hers, the taste of his tongue, what he could do with his hands, and the sounds he made as she touched him. Her body was a mass of tingles but she stopped her hand from progressing across her hip, since pleasuring herself with thoughts of him in her head wouldn't help. She closed her eyes and let the building tears roll down the sides of her face. She's been the instigator, drawing him to her as they hid together after dinner. They didn't know they were breaking Air Force regulations, but they knew workers weren't allowed to have relationships, unless they had applied for and been moved to the breeding unit. Sam assumed the concept of a breeding unit had been a lie, told to workers so they would think there was hope they might get to have children and to support the idea that they were keeping the population alive. She doubted they allowed workers to reproduce, that was probably a privilege reserved only for the above ground citizens. Sam briefly wondered what happened to workers who did become pregnant, since telling people they couldn't fall in love wouldn't stop them.

Love, was that what he meant by feeling feelings. He'd brought it up, but she'd been the one to act on it. She rubbed her face. There was no going back to the easy comradery they'd had before, that had been clear in the infirmary, and it was her fault. She thought back over the last few months, the laughs, small touches, and eye contact that were all too close to the line. She rolled over, wiped the tears from her face, and tried to remember how she'd gotten into this predicament. It was 1969, when he walked out of the used clothing store, she remembered her heart literally skipping a beat. It was the first time she'd thought of him that way and she hadn't been able to stop. He'd been sitting on the bus with his arm along the back on the seats and she sat down next to him, so his arm was behind her. She'd put her head on his shoulder as it had gotten late. She'd been egging him on and trying to see how close to the line they could play it without crossing it. This was all her fault. She pulled a pillow close to her chest and closed her eyes, even more convinced she would be on a new team when she got back to the mountain.

It was a little after 0930 when Sam's doorbell rang. She'd been up for over two hours, working on her mission report, but she hadn't gotten dressed yet. She looked through the peep hole, surprised to see Janet smiling and holding up a cup of gourmet coffee. Sam opened the door.

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

Janet held out the coffee. "I took the day off."

Sam took he coffee. "Thank you. Why?"

"Because you have an appointment with Jacqueline at 1300 and I thought we could go get some lunch before."

"You made me a hair appointment?"

"I can cancel it if you want, but whoever did that to you wasn't a professional."

Sam touched her short locks. "No, they weren't. Jacqueline will hate to see it but hopefully she can do something with it."

Janet successfully kept Sam distracted all day with shopping, lunch, and a hair appointment. She made no mention of Sam's recent time in captivity or the awkwardness Janet felt when she was examining the team in the infirmary. Sam enjoyed dinner with Janet and Cassie, staying long enough to watch a movie with them, even though it was a school night. The day of normalcy helped, and Sam slept better. She tackled her mission report the next day and then spent the weekend driving her bike along some of her favorite scenic routes, the Golden Loop Historic Park Drive and Pikes Peak Highway. Having the wind in her face and concentrating on the curves helped keep her mind clear.

Her stomach was twisted into a knot when she drove back to base on Monday. She wasn't looking forward to facing Colonel O'Neill and she was worried she'd find a transfer notice on her desk. She'd checked her emails twice a day, expecting to see the transfer notice, but it hadn't come yet, so maybe he'd done it the old-fashioned way, so she wouldn't know it until she got back. She swallowed as she opened her lab door, turned on the lights, and looked around the room. There was a blue folder on her desk, one she had not left there. Her throat burned as she picked it up and opened it. It was Colonel O'Neill's mission report. She let out the breath she'd been holding as she sat down and started reading. He left out everything about their time together in the evenings between dinner and lights out. She'd done the same in her report, but she hadn't submitted it yet, in case she needed to go back and add details. This was his way of letting her know it was ok to keep it just between them.

"Hey, Sam. How are you doing?" Daniel was in her doorway with a big grin on his face and a mug of coffee in his hand.

"I'm fine. Did you enjoy your weekend?"

"I worked on some translations."

"Of course you did."

"I was surprised you didn't come in."

"I took the General at his word when he said he didn't want to see me for the rest of the week."

"Speaking of the General, he wants to meet with us at 1000."

"All of us?"

"That's what he said."

"I'll be there." Sam's stomach twisted again as Daniel left her lab. Perhaps she was going to be told about her transfer with the whole team there. That would be worse than seeing it in print or being called in alone. She fretted for another twenty minutes before heading to the conference room. She was the first to arrive and luckily Colonel O'Neill entered along with General Hammond, so there was no awkwardness between them before the meeting started.

"Thank you all for meeting with me this morning. In light of your recent captivity I've decided to take SG-1 off the current mission roster."

"Sir, there's no need to do that. We're fine."

"I'm sure that's exactly what the psychiatrists will tell me over the next week but until then I have various assignments for each of you." General Hammond handed out the four folders he'd brought with him.

"Shrinks? Seriously?"

"Yes, Colonel, really." Everyone but Sam opened their folders. "I expect reports by the end of the week." General Hammond pushed back from the table just as Sam opened her folder. She hastily stood as he stood, not having yet processed the words on the pages inside her blue folder. She read it again after he left the room, it wasn't a transfer order.

"You ok, Carter?"

"Sir? Yes? Yes, sir. I'm fine, thank you Sir." That was a lot of sirs, even for her. Daniel gave her an odd look as she rushed out of the room, holding her assignment folder against her chest.

Seeing him had caused pain to flare in her chest and spread. If he could ignore it happened so could she, hopefully. She dove into her assignment. When she saw Colonel O'Neill in the commissary eating lunch, she felt that sting in her chest bloom, so she got her sandwich to go. She decided the best thing she could do, for her own sanity, was avoid him, at least for now. Hopefully a little distance was all she needed to get this all into perspective.

As part of her avoidance plan, she spent the afternoon working in Bill's lab and left work earlier than usual. She used the extra time to buy groceries and cook herself a real dinner. She made up for it by getting to work early the next morning. She'd been working for an hour when she felt his presence on the other side of her lab bench. She glanced up at him.

"Morning, Carter."

"Good morning, sir."

"How're you doing?"

"Fine."

"Good." He reached out towards her. "You had your hair done."

Sam pulled back from him and he took the hint, putting his hand down on the bench. "Yeah."

"Are you going to grow it back out?"

Sam shook her head and met his eyes for the first time in days. "No, this is easier. I was wasting too much time on it when it was longer."

"Wasting time, huh, well, I'm glad this is easier."

"Thanks." She looked away. She thought he understood.

"It looks like you're busy, so I'll let you get back to it."

"Thanks, sir."