(Present day- an entry in Emma's journal)

xxxx

"A settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up; habit. We create these patterns for ourselves, sometimes without the knowledge of even doing so. The first time we bite our nails, we don't think of it, really. It's usually brought on by something; stress, anxiety, or maybe extreme fear, although we don't realize that it's become a reoccurring habit until maybe the third time of biting our nails. We realize, and then we try to correct. We try to catch ourselves in the act of the bad habit that we've nonchalantly been practicing. Sometimes, however, we create these patterns, with full knowledge of what we're doing. We can tell from the start that what we're about to do won't be good to keep repeating but we do so anyways. Why? We're human. We have this tendency to do things even if we know the consequences more than likely won't be in our favor. Sometimes we get so comfortable wrapped in our habits that we wouldn't dream of correcting them, because we fool ourselves into believing there's nothing to correct. Though, what we fail to realize, is that while, yes, being wrapped up in something is cozy and comforting, when what we're wrapped in gets too tight, it can be suffocating.

I've worn your sweatshirt every night to sleep in for the past month. After the first week, it started to lose your smell, so I rummaged through the bottom cabinet in the bathroom and found your favorite perfume to spray on it. At first, it was nice having something, one thing of yours, to wrap around me and make me feel safe and warm. But now it's June and wearing it makes me feel like I'm suffocating and it's not just because of the weather. I no longer feel safety in its hold because it's not you. It's not you holding me. I can reapply your scent to it as much as I want to but that won't change the fact that it's a worn out Storybrooke elementary jacket that I bought you at a soccer game of Henry's on our first date; not you. We were eating hotdogs, I, loving them, you, not so much, and it had gotten chilly. I saw a stand across the field that was selling school spirit merchandise and saw the sweatshirt hanging up. I knew I had to get it for you, so I did. There's a mustard stain on the sleeve from you wiping it off the corner of my mouth before you kissed me. This happened right as Henry scored a goal that just so happened to be the winning score.

I knew when I started wearing the jacket to bed that it would never be able to replace you. I knew that all it would bring is painful nostalgia, yet I did it anyway. I started the pattern, with full knowledge of it eventually becoming an unhealthy habit. Why did I do it?

I miss you so much, Regina. I want you back. Every day since your death hasn't felt real. I need you here to hold my hand and tell me everything's going to be okay. I can't give up on you, I can't believe that there's no way to get you back. I know it sounds crazy, but I just can't. I'll find a way to bring you back to me, to Henry. Maybe wearing your sweatshirt to bed is an unhealthy habit, but my love for you never will be; it's not 'hard' to give up it's impossible to, and I won't. I love you with all I am, Regina.

Yours,

Emma Swan"

xxxx

(A month before)

"Regina, please! Regina, please, please, please, wake up! I love you, I love you, I love you!" Emma shouted, between sobs.

She cried for a minute more before speaking back up, nothing above a soft whisper.

"Please, Regina, don't leave me here alone. You're my whole world, how am I going to make it without you?"

Emma stared sadly at the lifeless body of Regina, her Regina, her everything.

It had been two months. Two short months Regina had been sick. All the while she knew she wasn't going to make it, all powerful as she might be, there was no getting rid of the terrible sickness that clung in her body. The sickness she found out, came from when she cast the curse, to take her to Storybrooke. She of course didn't know it at the time, but Gold had tricked her. When the savior came to the small town, Gold knew she wouldn't just un-curse the people who had been brought there, she would also be Regina's undoing. When Regina cast the curse, she became bound to it. So if it was to be ridden of, so was she.

Emma sat still for many moments, just gently caressing her lovers small, soft hands. She studied them closely and noticed how they had changed so much, become so frail, since Regina had gotten sick. She then dragged her eyes across the woman's tiny figure, regarding how much lively color had also drained from her once beautiful olive complexion. She then thought of Regina's smile, and how she would never be able to see it again. More tears burst forth, as Emma yearned just to see her smile once more. But to her major disappointment, Regina's lips were in a thin straight line, forevermore.

"Emma, darling" a deep, concerned voice spoke from behind her.

Emma quickly jolted around, previously thinking she were the only one in the room. She then realized the voice came from her father, whom she had no interest in speaking to as of now. As of ever. She didn't want to speak to anyone but Regina, the only person she wasn't able to.

"Dad, I am so not in the mood for talking right now, nor will I ever be, so could you please just leave me the hell alone?"

"Emma, please calm down darling, things will be alri-"

Emma cut him off abruptly, "Don't you dare say alright! Things will never be alright without her! Don't even think of giving me some shitty hope speech! The only thing you could say to make me feel better is that there's a way to get Regina back, which of course you can't because it's not possible! She's gone and I'll never get her back."

David was taken aback a bit by Emma's outburst and could only stare at her. Emma unsteadily stood up, but quickly balanced herself. She took one last glance at Regina, and then began to walk to the door of the drab hospital room. The last thing she heard was the shout of her name echoing behind her.

xxxx

(That night)

"She didn't make it, did she?" the young boy asked from across the dinner table to his mother.

"Henry-"

Emma started but he cut her off,

"No! Just don't say anything! I don't want to hear it, Mom can't be dead, she just can't be!" Henry skidded his chair back, causing it to make a harsh noise against the floor, then got up and ran off to his mother's room.

Emma cringed, while getting up herself, to go after him. "Henry, please, let me talk with you!"

When she got to the room she saw him sprawled out across Regina's bed, weeping. It broke her heart.

"Oh Henry." she whispered, walking over to him and gently sitting down beside him.

She placed a hand on his back and started to rub it soothingly. He sniffled and then wriggled himself over into her arms.

Emma gently kissed his temple.

"Henry, I love you. Your mother did too, so much. I know you don't want to talk about this right now, and that's fine because I don't either. I just want you to know that I'm here. Please don't shut me out, we need each other, kid."

"I love you too, Mom" he muffled into her hair, he looked up to Emma's face and proceeded with saying, "And I'm here for you too, I won't shut you out."

Emma smiled sadly but stayed silent.

xxxx

AN- Don't hate me please! It's gonna get better, its gonna get better! I posted a bit of this chapter about a year ago, but stopped writing on it due to not knowing where I was going with it haha. However, now I'm back and pretty much have a good standing of where I want this story to go, so I'm starting over with this. I hope you will all enjoy! Please review if you would like me to continue and your opinions of the story so far! It would mean a lot! Much love, babes!