The collector attack
I walk into the lounge to find Kaidan chatting to EDI about his Biotic students from Earth.
"Thanks EDI…Hey Shepard"
"Hey, you find any of them yet?", I walk to the window and lean up against it.
"Not yet, but…"
"EDI will find them" I try to reassure him. He nods "So" he sighs, "you punched Gerrell…"
"yeah, I did. Why? You think I shouldn't have?! Kaidan, he ordered the-!"
"Jin! I know! I was there, remember? And I'm fully behind you putting him on his ass"
I giggle "it felt good, he's an idiot".
Kaidan briefly smiles. There's something off about him…he seems distracted. He looks back at the datapad he's holding.
"Am I interrupting you?"
"I do have…some things on my plate…"
I sit down next to him and peek over his shoulder "am I one of those things on your plate?", he chuckles and puts the pad down. I slide onto his lap straddling him and run my fingers through his hair.
"I thought I'd save you for dessert"
"that's cute Major" he smiles, but looks…uneasy. I frown at him, "alright, what's wrong?"
He sighs and moves me off his lap onto the sofa, stands up and walks to the window with his back to me…yup, something is wrong.
"It's nothing, honestly Jin…I'm just…worried about my students, you know? They're just kids…" he sighs. If he expects me to believe that he must think I'm stupid, there's something bigger than that, but I can't force him to talk…he's too stubborn.
"Right, your students" I sigh standing up, "well, if you want to talk about what's really bugging you, I'll be in the loft" I squeeze his shoulder and leave him to his thoughts.
In the loft I sit staring at my console…but my mind is back downstairs with Kaidan. I wonder what could be wrong. Was it just his students being MIA? Was I reading too much into his mood? No, I know him well enough to know when he's lying to me.
The door opens and he stands looking at me sadly "I'm…you're right, it's not just my students bugging me…" he walks over and stares into the fish tank. I sit patiently and wait for him to open up.
"You know, I never saw you get spaced when the Collectors hit the Normandy, and I'm grateful for that believe me…" he pauses, "when that docking tube broke away…I saw you lose grip…" he still doesn't look at me, "for that split second…"
I get up and go to him "hey…" he lets me turn him around
"I'm sorry Jin. It just, rattled me a little" his fingers run through my hair "I imagine it wasn't pleasant for you either"
"I admit it did…bring…memories back…" We've never really spoke about the attack…an event so full of pain and heartbreak why would we?
"Would you tell me about it…?", oh crap.
I take a deep breath and walk away sitting down on the sofa. No. I want to say no. But I can't…not to Kaidan. I can feel my hands getting clammy already and sit on them. I close my eyes. I search for the memories I try so hard to lock away…I exhale slowly…
"It's so clear in my mind…like it was yesterday. I can still hear the crunch of metal…the shriek of that ship. I can hear Joker screaming at me, the comms going crazy…then nothing. Silence. The Normandy…she- she just, broke away from me…hundreds of shards…fire in front of blackness" I pause and shake my head, it's like I'm back there again…floating through the debris…
"My suit ripped…the oxygen line…I hear it hissing. I tried to reach it, but… I knew then, I knew that I was going to die" I feel tears welling up "every second I fought I knew I was dead…every time I kicked out I knew it was futile…every scream, I knew it wasted oxygen…" my breath catches
"Jin-", Kaidan's voice is soft and close, I open my eyes and look at him as he kneels down in front of me, his expression is pained, but he asked, he wanted me to tell him…
"You" I half accuse him, half beg him "all I can see is you…you're face as I ordered you to evacuate…fuck." I look down shaking my head, "Why did you make me do that?! I knew it was bad, I knew we were hit hard…I just wanted you safe in a pod, away from it all…so stubborn" I close my eyes again...
"I could see your face when I woke up after Eden Prime. I could feel the moment I knew I was in love with you, on Virmire. I remembered our weekend in Vancouver…" I sigh "all I wanted before I died was one last chance tell you I loved you…to tell you I was sorry, and I knew, I was never going to get that chance" I feel silent tears rolling down my cheeks.
"Jin…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have…" he tips my chin up and kisses the tears from my cheeks, his lips are soft and warm, they trace down to my lips and I can taste the saltiness of my tears… " I shouldn't have asked, I… I don't know what to say. I didn't realize... I'm sorry, Jin"
I open my eyes and look at the sadness in his,
"but look, somehow you made it back…you survived. How? I don't care anymore, I just know that you did. And every day I'm with you I'm thankful for that. I love you…so much Jinx" his voice shakes "never, ever forget that…I will always be here, right by your side, whether you want me there or not. Where you go…I go…" a tear rolls down his cheek.
I kiss him.
I kiss him to feel alive; to forget the pain filled memories that have just been brought to the forefront.
I pull him closer to me…I need to feel him, I need to feel his love…
My tongue begs to dance with his…but he pulls away…
He looks at me. He looks sorrowful but his eyes betray a desire he's trying to hide "I-",
I place my finger over his lips "no more talking…just love me Kaidan…please" my eyes search his…and I see a fire in them as his lips crash with mine.
He kisses me till all I can think about is him…he pours his love over me to wash away the pain of the memories…he makes love to me till my senses are overwhelmed with him…