Freedom

by Draic

Quistis' point of view, explaining her relationship with Squall and with Seifer. In the end, she chooses... who?

Squall Leonhart. For years it had seemed my life revolved around that name; that face. I loved him. I desperately wanted him to love me. Yet I could not force him to break down his walls enough to admit any feelings whatsoever. I could not force him, so I had to slip past his defences.

So, upon becoming an instructor, I immediately arranged it so he would be under my tuition. It was easy, then, to pretend I was getting to know the class and letting them get to know me, when I was really only interested in Squall.

This was a big mistake, for a variety of reasons.

My public pouring-out-of-heart-and-soul, intended for Squall, gave rise to a group of students who wanted to fill my life the way I wanted Squall to.

The Trepies.

They listened to my hurts and passions, and wanted to be there to comfort and laugh with me. Had I ever been serious about getting to know the whole class, I would have considered them my friends. But I ignored them for the most part, in public. In private, I encouraged, manipulated and motivated them, through the pretense of being a Trepie. I left notes for Trepies, and from Trepies, using them like tools. If Squall was around, I would run to them, my personal fan club, to try to make Squall jealous. I was under the delusion that Squall would see me as more desirable if so many others did.

It may have driven him away, the idea that he was a lone wolf, and I was so clearly one of the 'in' crowd.

The remainder of the class soon picked up a sort of falseness, I guess. They didn't want to hear my worries and fears. They were there to learn, and, obsessed with my own pursuit, I taught little.

If I had ever stopped to look at what I was doing, it would have been no surprise when I lost my license. Of course, I never did, and so I felt that all my hopes and dreams of Squall were coming crashing down around my head. In reality, it was probably the best thing that could have happened. I think that after all my subtle probing as an Instructor, I had projected to Squall the image of a well-meaning but overbearing mother figure - not exactly a romantic idea.

The night my Instructor's license was revoked - the night of the SeeD ball - I was desperately in need of someone to talk to. But I had no friends. The Trepies thought of me as a friend, more than a friend, but, too wrapped up in myself and my plans, I never realised. There was literally no one I could talk to but Squall.

I knew Squall. I knew where he would be - up at the party, leaning against a wall or a column or the bar, drinking and watching the others dance to their own tunes.

But that was not where I found him.

The very last thing I expected was to see him dancing - Squall Leonhart, dancing! - with a total stranger, a dark-haired girl not even from Balamb.

I could only stand and stare at the one I loved so much, dancing in the arms of another.

I watched his failures, his attempts to walk away.

I watched the girl coerce and encourage him back, bringing him back into the dance. Something, I realised with a pang, I had never done.

I watched as Squall learned, accepted, and danced.

I watched Squall smiling, watching the fireworks in a stranger's arms.

And I watched as the girl walked away, and I saw the hurt in his face.

I followed him out onto the balcony, hoping that he would accept me now. I thought that after his failed fiasco with a stranger, he would welcome a solid, familiar shoulder to lean on.

"You really are an outstanding student. Even that dance was perfect."

Why had I said that? I had reminded him that I still outranked him - at least until midnight - and I had told him that I had witnessed his hurt, his failures. I had fallen once more into the role of the teacher-mother.

"Thank you," he said. The customary response to any sort of compliment from a superior.

There was a silence while I studied his form, studying the stars, wondering what to say.

"Yes?" he sighed. He sighed!

I was a chore to him! Something unpleasant that was best over and done with.

"Oh, so you'll dance with someone you don't even know, but you can't stand being around me?" I snapped.

Not exactly calm and collected. I just hoped he couldn't detect the jealousy in my voice.

I took a deep breath.

Not here. He needs to get away from the experience he just had. He can't be thinking about her when he needs to be thinking about me.

So I dragged him off to the 'Secret' Area, the place every instructor pretended not to know about. With couples all over the place, surely he would feel pressured to conform?

That had never been his strong point.

"Go talk to a wall."

I felt like he'd hit me. For the first time, I realised that maybe, just maybe, Squall was not the problem.

I was.

.

******************

.

I spent the next few days with Seifer, Squall's rival and total opposite. The phrase 'equal but opposite' came to mind. And it was true, too. Seifer and Squall were equally skilled in battle, tactics and the magical arts. They were of a like age, and now they even had mirrored scars, from their twin gunblades, each mark crossing from above one eye to just below and short of the opposite eye.

But they were so dissimilar.

Their attitudes, their beliefs, their personalities were so different.

Seifer, the light-eyed, light-haired 'white knight' was the worst troublemaker we'd had in Garden - ever. He was arrogant and forceful, wanting to be in charge of every situation.

The head of the disciplinary committee, a self-righteous hypocrite who broke the rules at every turn, but punished others for running in the halls.

Squall, on the other hand, was dark-eyed and dark-haired. His usual attire and his newly acquired rank named him a 'black mercenary', yet he played by every rule, never crossing the lines or even violating curfew. Far from forceful, he never trusted anyone to do anything for him. He hated being in command, preferring to follow the rules rather than make them.

He was a total introvert and flatly didn't care either way how others lived their lives, not judging at all.

It should have been expected; I should have expected; after all their great fights and almighty clashes, the jealousy and anger…

We should have known that Seifer would do anything to rescue his girlfriend himself rather than risk Squall being seen as the hero.

Besides, I had not been the only watcher at the dance…

And before I knew it or could do anything to stop it, Seifer had vanished with the sorceress.

Rinoa was a young woman who had lost her boyfriend, perhaps to death. She was upset, and had every right to be. She needed someone to lean on, to talk to.

So I befriended her, having no idea she was the girl who had been dancing with Squall.

Of course, by the time I found out, she had already become my closest friend.

I was afraid of what she meant to Squall, and angry with myself for not seeing it all before. It didn't help that we were about to confront and attempt to kill the sorceress.

The first time I broke was in her father's mansion, in Deling City.

She had turned up with a valuable piece of equipment, a bracelet that could have been used to avoid so much horror. If we had used it…

…Rinoa would not have left on her own, would not have been rescued by Squall, would not have felt so indebted to him…

…might not have fallen in love…

But all I could see was that if Rinoa's plan succeeded, she would look the heroine, and Squall would respect her so much more for it.

I snapped. Totally snapped.

I tore her up and beat her down.

I fueled my anger until it burnt itself out, leaving me feeling empty, hollow, and dead.

Of course she hadn't been planning to steal Squall from me. Especially not through an elaborate ruse involving risking her life to bind a sorceress.

I went to apologise.

Of course, it was too late…

Much, much too late…

.

******************

.

We were in prison, all of us SeeDs and Rinoa. And, of all of us, it was Rinoa who started the ball rolling. So much for intensive SeeD training. And it was Rinoa who got the easy way out - a nice guard to come take you home to Daddy.

Of course, she came back. And without her help, we probably would have died.

I didn't hate her. I was just so jealous…

We escaped in time to see the first missile launch. And of course, we had to go stop the other one - it was important to all of us. We all made Squall the leader again - the position he hates so much - and he chose our fates. It was the right decision, I admit that. He sent the true SeeDs to infiltrate and destroy a Galbadian missile base, and took the one cadet and one non-Garden member to Balamb - it shouldn't have required any particular skills to tell everyone there were missiles coming.

But despite our training, we were trapped in the base moments before it exploded. We all thought our last thoughts - Why me? Why had Squall sent me to die and taken Rinoa with him? It was a stupid question - how could he have known? We survived in the end, and met up with the other three again in FH. But during that time, Rinoa and Squall together had experienced danger, life and death, not to mention flight, and an ocean cruise.

I could see it now, in the way Rinoa always looked at Squall, and occasionally in the way he looked back. Everyone could see it - that's why Rinoa was the one chosen to bring Squall to the concert, while I was up there playing Waltz for the Moon on piano - it was the dance all over again. If there was any comfort, it was that Squall hadn't been very receptive at all, ending with Rinoa running off again.

We spent the trip to Balamb largely in solitude - Squall in his room, Rinoa wandering around by herself… I got into a heated argument with a Trepie and spent most of my days moping in the library.

Squall didn't tell either of us when he left for Balamb - he took Zell and Selphie, the two he felt were easiest to deal with - largely by ignoring them, but dealing with all the same.

I ran into Rinoa after finishing my daily sulk. She was looking for Squall, and asked me if I was all right. I said some things I regretted later. I recall the surprise and hurt in her face as I left her alone.

Squall returned, and we moved on to Trabia, at Selphie's request. Rinoa and I avoided eachother the whole way. Then we were there, and Squall was deciding who to take.

"Selphie." I nodded - it was going to be harder for her if he kept her away.

"And Quistis." I was shocked, though I tried not to show it. Perhaps he was feeling insecure, or stressed, and wanted a friendly face. He still hadn't worked out his feelings for Rinoa, although it was blindingly obvious to the rest of us.

We hiked a short distance through the snow, in silence. Selphie was distressed; fidgeting and chewing her lip whenever we stopped. Squall wouldn't usually speak unless spoken to, but he was starting to flinch every time Selphie looked at him.

"Do you think Selphie's going to be okay?" he eventually asked me.

Surprised at the sudden show of worry, I replied, "I don't know, Squall. I think she's strong enough to get through it if it turns out Trabia was…" I swallowed. "I really don't know."

He didn't speak, just nodded and resumed his silence.

At last, the walls of Trabia rose above the horizon. Blackened, charred walls. Selphie gave a sort of strangled sob and broke away from us. "Selphie!" I cried, and ran after her, Squall close behind.

She scaled the mesh showing through the wall, and fled over the top. Squall immediately followed. We caught up at the square, where she was talking to another girl. It looked like the essence of Trabia Garden had survived.

"Wait for me at the basketball court, okay? I just want to check some things…"

We watched her turn a corner, and, to my surprise, Squall followed her. When we broke into the next clearing, we found Selphie kneeling amid gravestones. Squall had an odd look in his eyes, and I suddenly realised he was going to try to comfort her.

"Squall," I whispered. "I know what you're trying to do…" I didn't know why.

"I understand, but Selphie needs some time to herself now. She needs to work out where things stand for her now."

He still looked like he wanted to do something, but he nodded wordlessly and walked away. Watching his retreating back, I realised how much he had changed - how much Rinoa had changed him, and for the better.

I gave up then. I knew that they were meant to be together, and I no longer wanted to keep them apart. Squall couldn't be mine, but Rinoa would be there for him, to help him and nurture him where I could not. And I would always be there when he needed someone to talk to.

I let go of my dreams.

I didn't hear Selphie come up behind me.

"Quistis? Why are you crying? I'm supposed to be the emotional one."

I just cried harder. Selphie wrapped her arms around me and I welcomed the comfort, leaning on her and making quite a stain on her shoulder. I cried until I was empty. Selphie gave me a handkerchief and I dabbed at my eyes.

"You want a drink? They just dug up a vending machine. But the only thing that works is the orange juice. Is that okay?"

I laughed at Selphie, standing in the ruins of her home and taking time to look after me.

"That would be wonderful."

.

*********************

.

We left that basketball court feeling more closely knit than ever before, but there was still one thing I had to do. I waited while Rinoa and Squall had a quiet moment together, then pulled Rinoa aside as she passed.

"Rinoa, I'm … so sorry for what I've said and for how I've been treating you lately. I know how you and Squall feel for eachother, and…" I took a deep breath. "… and I give you my blessing."

She looked at me solemnly for a moment, then smiled and threw her arms around me.

"Thanks, Quisty. You have no idea how much this means to me. Friends?"

"Friends."

.

********************

.

And Squall and Rinoa had gone on together, crying, laughing, afraid, and saving each other's life more often than anyone cared to remember. The rest of us helped (and sometimes hindered) as best we could.

We defeated Ultimecia and Seifer eventually returned to Garden, a little older and wiser, and carried out his debts without complaint. He was more humble, not so full of himself, and I came to recognise the same in me. After a while, he smiled and joked again, and almost went back to his old self, but managed to keep himself out of trouble this time.

Rinoa and Squall were sharing a room now, and Selphie and Irvine spent a suspiciously large amount of time 'redecorating' theirs. I caught Zell in a corner of the Secret Area with the library girl - I never did catch her name. I spent most of my time supervising Seifer's labours of redemption, since I had been his Instructor. In a way, I felt that I was redeeming myself, as well, finally taking responsibility for one of my students.

I was lonely. Everyone seemed to be pairing up, and leaving me behind. I'm not sure whose idea it was originally, but Seifer seemed to be bumping into me at the strangest places, like in a flower garden in the Quad in the middle of the night while Garden skimmed across the waves. Perhaps I wasn't supposed to have noticed the gang's meddling? But I thought, why not? I went along with their careful planning, and so did Seifer. I found myself spending more and more time with him, although Raijin and especially Fujin seemed to be avoiding us now.

I don't recall our first kiss; the norm was for us to talk deep into the nights. We understood eachother so well. After one such night, I woke to find myself lying next to him in his bed. It wasn't an unpleasant moment, but it somehow didn't seem right, either. I got up and moved into the bathroom to wash my face.

As I rubbed my hands over my face, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I had my hair loose, a little below my shoulders, and in the darkened room, my hair seemed almost brown. I had a light blue top on. Since the days of Ultimecia, I had gotten dark contacts. In the ethereal half-light, I suddenly saw clearly - I was living a lie.

I looked like Rinoa. Staring deep into the mirror, I realised I had even begun acting like her, having dropped all the interests I had only a year ago.

With the droplets trickling down my cheeks, I remembered how I had compared Seifer and Squall, the two equal-but-opposites. Seifer had changed. He now thought and acted more like Squall. They were no longer such opposites. In fact, they were almost…

The same…

All these days, months, years, and I was still obsessed with Squall. I couldn't have him, so I found the man most like him, and changed him to resemble Squall. Meanwhile, I was turning myself into Rinoa.

I broke down over the basin and cried. I rubbed at my eyes, then abruptly looked back at the mirror.

No.

I switched on the lights, revealing my blonde hair. I removed my contacts and flushed them down the toilet. I returned to the bedroom and pulled out the first thing I could find in Seifer's closet.

It was his old trenchcoat, washed and mended. But Seifer never wore it anymore.

I slammed a fist against the closet.

"Damn you! Damn you, Quistis Trepe, you stupid idiot! You mindless bitch! You f--"

"Quistis?"

I turned to face Seifer, tears streaming down my face.

"Quisty, what's wrong?"

"Seifer… I … I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

I gritted my teeth and forced each word out. "I… can't… pretend… to be… someone else."

He sighed. "I think I know what you mean."

That stopped me. "What?"

"Ever since I came back, I've been trying to make up for things… by trying to be Squall."

"No, Seifer, you didn't do anything. I --"

He raised a hand and cut me off. "You were trying to put a brave face on everything, trying to show how strong you were. You didn't need to, Quistis. You were already strong enough."

"Thank you, Seifer, but--"

"Just take the compliment, Quistis."

I smiled.

"You didn't need to change, either, Seifer. You needed to learn, but you never had to change."

He hugged me tight, and I hugged him back.

"So where do we go from here?" he asked.

"Well, first of all, you are going to put on this trenchcoat again."

I threw it at him, and he put it on, stood up straighter and gave a familiar smirk.

"Much better," I said. "And now I have to change this top."

"Be my guest," said Seifer, with wide-eyed innocence.

"Seifer!" I chided, and punched his arm.

I pulled out a red shirt from the wardrobe, and moved to the bathroom. On impulse, I slammed the door. There was a muffled moan from the other side of the door. As I pulled the shirt over my head, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Quistis looked back at me, smiling.

I walked back into the bedroom. Seifer was waiting.

"…What happens now?" he asked.

I took a deep breath. "Now… Now I walk out that door."

Seifer smiled again, understanding. "It was nice to pretend for a while, Quisty."

I opened the door… and there was Fujin.

"ODD NOISES. EXPLAIN."

I smiled at the fierce one-eyed woman.

"Seifer is back, Fujin. And I'm not going to be between you any more."

She stared at me in shock. I stepped around her and walked down the hall. As I did, I felt a huge weight lift from my heart. I was free at last. Free of Squall Leonhart. Free to live my life… as Quistis.

"QUISTIS!"

I turned to the silver-haired woman. She paced towards me. And smiled.

"You are a good person, Quistis"

I smiled, shocked. She returned the smile.

"GOODBYE."

"Goodbye, Fujin."

Free…

Well, this is a big change from what I normally write. I wanted to write something from Quistis' point of view, and I also wanted to have her choose NOT to go out with Seifer, because I was reflecting that the reason everyone IS pairing her off with Seifer is because he's a quick substitute for Squall. (Sorry to the Quifer fans, but I don't think the pairing is too likely.) Since this is a one-chapter story, I would appreciate any comments on how (and if) the story should be changed, added to, or totally mutated. I will use any good ideas and re-post the chapter. Thanks, everyone! Remember: Read, Review, and… Read something else!